Looks like we're parting ways. - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 06:11 AM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Resigned Wife,

May I ask, how do you feel about this decision? It appears that your H has decided he is not attracted to you anymore and therefore you should part ways, though you both enjoy each others company, do things together, there is no animosity, etc. How do you feel about all of this?
Even you name says that you give in without a fight, is this what you wanted too, or did you just simply give in to your H?
You know sometimes people don't know what they want. There are many marriages in a worse state than yours, yet love can be revived.

I get the feeling that you two will go ahead with this and realise that you both made a mistake and that in fact 'far away fields are not really green.' just wondering.

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post #62 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 10:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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Resigned Wife,

May I ask, how do you feel about this decision? It appears that your H has decided he is not attracted to you anymore and therefore you should part ways, though you both enjoy each others company, do things together, there is no animosity, etc. How do you feel about all of this?
Even you name says that you give in without a fight, is this what you wanted too, or did you just simply give in to your H?
You know sometimes people don't know what they want. There are many marriages in a worse state than yours, yet love can be revived.

I get the feeling that you two will go ahead with this and realise that you both made a mistake and that in fact 'far away fields are not really green.' just wondering.
I am fine with the decision, despite my username (which was just something I came up with when my first few choices were already taken).

We have both been unhappy for a while - but for different reasons. When the idea of divorce came up a few years ago, the ONLY reason I said no at the time was finances - I just knew I COULDN'T make it on my own salary, even with child support. Had I been in a better place financially, we'd already be divorced a couple years at this point.

The fact is, that while he is not happy with me, I'm not happy with him either. I can't speak for all of HIS reasons (aside from knowing he doesn't like the weight gain after I had kids that I was never able to lose), but for me, I have issues with:

1) his lack of engagement with the kids (I know this won't necessarily change once we divorce, but at least the kids won't be exposed to it every day, like they are now).

2) his impatience - he's not violent in *any* way, but he is not a patient man and can get annoyed over the smallest thing very easily, which results in a snide attitude along with rude comments. And rather than letting it go, he'll harp on it for days. Not a fun thing to be around day in and day out.

3) his lack of Christian faith - I grew up in a Christian household, and am a Christian myself. He was not religious when we got married, but did claim to have a conversion experience a few years after we got married. But it is clear now he was only going through the motions at the time. And while I'm not super-religious, I do go to church and am active in a ladies Bible study, and wish that my husband would lead the household as a man of faith. But he recently told me that while he believes in God, he doesn't care much about the rest. He doesn't begrudge me my spiritual life (or my decision to take the kids to church), but he won't actively participate himself.

That's just three I can think of right now, but I know there are more. He's a good man in many ways, and I know he'll make someone else very happy someday. But after all this time, it just isn't ME. He doesn't make me happy. And while I do not believe other people have a *responsibility* to make me happy, I do think other people can naturally create happiness just by being around. My kids, for example, bring me GREAT happiness and joy. I love being around them and being involved in their lives and helping them become happy, kind, well-adjusted, responsible and caring people. My husband does not.

So yes, I am a ResignedWife, but I still must stress that it was a MUTUAL decision.
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post #63 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 07:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Just wanted to write down some thoughts I'm having this week.

Part of me has started to think that I DON'T want to wait until next year to separate. I think this summer might be best after all. There are a few things I've thought of over the past few days that make me think this -

1) the real estate market is warming up again (more listings coming on the market) and the houses coming on the market in my price range are wonderful. I fear if we wait a year those types of homes may appreciate in value just enough that I can no longer afford them. Alternatively, if we wait to sell the house - the market could very well TANK in the next 12 months (although it has never dropped in our market - only flattened) and we won't be able to get top dollar for our home like we could now.

2) my husband went out for a drink by himself last Friday night. I'm not a big drinker, but my husband does enjoy his microbrew beer (he likes trying weird, unique brews and we have a beer fridge in the garage where he keeps stuff he has bought to try). He dropped a receipt on the floor over the weekend when he was heading out to the gym, and it was for Friday night at 8 p.m. He had one beer at a brewery in town and then came home. I asked him about it when he got home from the gym (completely non-judging) and he said that yes, after he had gone to the gym he went to get a beer. I said, "Did you meet someone there?" "No," he said, "I just felt like grabbing a beer before coming home." I had two reactions in my head. I thought, "That's what alcoholics do - they drink alone." And then I thought, "But he's not 'mine' anymore, so if he wants to go out for a beer (despite having 40-50 beers in the garage fridge to choose from), then he should be able to go out for a beer." My outside reaction was, "Okay, you dropped your receipt on your way out - can I throw it away?" (he uses his receipts for budgeting)

3) But that got me thinking about his life post-separation. What is he going to do? He has no friends (he has made very little attempt in the years we've lived here to make them), and no social life to speak of. Is he going to sit at home and just drink beer every night? Currently he keeps himself to 2-3 beers over the course of an entire evening - so he doesn't overindulge, really. He has one with dinner, and maybe one (sometimes two) once he's home from the gym. But if we're separated, and he only has the kids every other weekend, is he going to stay at home and say, "Hey, the wife and kids aren't here anymore - I can drink more" which could lead to overindulging? This is a real worry of mine for him since he tends to overdrink when he is depressed (which he may continue to be even after we separate).

4) And that leads me to my last thought. I think him moving back to our hometown (from which we moved away 11 years ago) would be the best choice for him. He'd be back in the town he loves (and misses), with much better job options. He'd be back near his family (who all live there) and some of his friends who still live there. His options for having a social life and NOT staying home every night would vastly improve. The only negative is that our hometown is four states away, so he would not see the kids nearly as much - just summers and school vacations, really.

So as "easy" at it seems to be for our plans, I'm starting to have doubts as to whether we should wait or just go ahead and get it over with, but rather than push to list the house in April, just plan for June, knowing we can do a quick closing if need be in order to get settled into new places by summer's end before school starts.

This weekend I began going through one of my bookcases figuring out what books I can donate and get rid of so that it's that much less for me to pack down the road. And this weekend I'll be doing the rest of the bookcases in the house as well as going through the clothes in my closet to get rid of some of those things that I don't wear anymore.

We meet with the mediator next week. I may bring up during that first meeting the idea of going ahead with the separation now rather than waiting, and see what the mediator has to say (she may recommend against waiting for fear of future breakdown in communication and trust).

Sorry for the long post, but I wanted to write down some of the things I've been thinking since the weekend.
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post #64 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 08:06 AM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

I know you know this, but none of those things are your concern anymore.

I promise you he will figure something out.

Also, speaking as an alcoholic, if your husband wanted to consume excessive amounts of alcohol, neither you talking to him nor your proximity to him would affect his choices to consume more.

I think his evening out was him realizing that he needs to step out of his comfort zone and start to make friends with people.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #65 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 08:37 AM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

I believe that if you've solidified the decision to split then just get it over with. I don't understand the dragging it out over the next year. It sounded like it was just a delay to tell family members which is going to have to happen whether it's now or whether it's in 8 months. It has to be done, so just do it.

Selling the house now is a great time. You're right; you don't know what the housing market is going to be in 1 year.

It sounds like you suspect your husband of having a drinking problem? It could very well be, but there isn't anything that you can do about it. My husband is an alcoholic and I can tell you that alcoholics are known for hiding their drinking and/or downplaying it. At this point, I don't think this should be your focus. Your focus needs to be on moving forward with the split. And as Farside said, he could just be starting to branch out socially.

Continue to prep the house for selling, meet with your mediator, and talk to family/friends about the divorce. You could talk to a realtor and they would be able to give you tips on how to prep your house for the market.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #66 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

I don't think he has a drinking problem, but I do know that when he gets severely depressed he drinks more than a normal person. After the almost-affair was discovered a few years ago, he began drinking 3-4 beers a night, but when I confronted him with my concerns, he completely agreed and went down to only having 1-2 beers per week for a very long time. Then he went back to having one with dinner every night, which I don't mind at all. Then a few months ago I noticed an uptick, which I mentioned to him again, and he agreed that he was drinking more and that it was because of how stressed he is with work.

Is he an alcoholic? Definitely not. I've known alcoholics and he's not even close. But he has a proclivity to overindulge on occasion (at parties) or when he's feeling down.

I agree that it's possible he only went out to get the drink to see if he could be social - he mentioned to me a month or so ago that the beer app he uses can tell him if people that use the app are out at nearby bars/breweries having a drink. It's very possible one popped up on Friday at the place nearby and he decided to stop in after his workout.

As for the delay in separating, it was mainly so that he could find a new job without having TOO much change at one time. But my fear is that the job market is so limited that it will take him FOREVER to find a new job - and I don't want to live in limbo that long the more I think about it!
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post #67 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 12:24 PM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

My ex-husband and I continued living together, but separated, for almost a year after I told him I was divorcing him. There were very good reasons for handling things that way but it was a miserable time. He spent most of that period at his girlfriend's but that didn't make it easier because he still came home. He finally moved out a few months before I filed and I felt like a huge burden had been lifted. Life was good from that point on.
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post #68 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 01:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Since my post this morning I've gone over it again and again in my mind, and I've decided I want to go ahead and move forward now rather than wait. But I'll wait until we're with the mediator to let that subject be brought up.

As far as his job, I think that if we sell this spring and divide the proceeds, he'll get a nice chunk of change from the sale. There's no reason he has to put all of it down as a downpayment on a new place. If he holds back $20K, and then gets laid off (which he is worried about right now), he'll have the $20K in cash reserves, his severance pay (which would be a minimum of 5 months' pay) and his unemployment coverage. He'll be fine until he finds a new job.

As for housing, *my* fear was not finding a house in the right middle school zone, but just today 3 houses in my price range popped up in that school zone - which tells me by the spring I should have no problem finding something in my price range in the right zone.

So I think we'd be better off doing it now, since two huge barriers (his job fears, my housing fears) would most likely turn out okay.
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post #69 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 07:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

This is the week things will start to happen.

Our meeting with the mediator is on Thursday evening. It'll mostly be about the parenting plan, but I plan on bringing up the idea of moving forward now versus next year during that initial session.

Over the past week I've deliberately stopped sending my husband potential job listings, to see if he would take action (considering how much he hates his job) and begin searching himself. He has not. I'm not going to be the one to put in all the work to help him find a new job - he has to do it. But he continues to go into work every day, come home and complain, and take no steps to get out. He had a recruiter call him a couple weeks ago about a possible job, and other than one email to say, "I'm interested," he's done NOTHING to followup with the recruiter to make sure the interview gets scheduled. I'm sure that opportunity is long gone at this point. This just tells me that it is all the more reason to move forward now, so that he'll feel the pressure that *he* has to invest time and energy into getting himself out of his work situation. Not just me.

We close on the HELOC this week, with work to begin two weeks from now. My hope is to tell the kids what is happening sometime between Thursday's first session and the first visit by contractors to begin fixing up the house. I'm convinced more than ever that we'll be able to sell the house quickly once it's on the market - we found out that a house down the block from us sold a couple months ago for about $20K more than we were going to ask - and yet from the pictures, our house is in better shape (even without the intended repairs we're doing), with more going for it. The only negative is they were 200 sq feet larger than our home. But we have an extra room (9) compared to them (8). So we know our intended asking price is viable for the market.

I've been looking at short sale homes in our area - one very cute home popped up on the market last week in a neighborhood I've always liked. And a FSBO that I found over a month ago is still on the market - it is an ugly house (bad 1970s modern) and only has one bath. For those two reasons I think it has not sold, despite the good sale price. I'm not concerned about only having one bath because the house is priced low enough that I could easily afford to have a 3/4-bath put in. And then there's another home in foreclosure in the same area that is also a bit ugly on the outside (this neighbor really loved the bad 1970s modern architecture back in the day) but the inside is beautifully redone - and it's in my price range. The main negative to that house is the backyard is not fenced (which I would need since I have a dog). I am not worried about buying a foreclosure because I can rent a short-term apartment as long as need be while waiting to close. My parents bought a foreclosure a few years ago so I'm familiar with the process as well as all the pitfalls and delays involved (it took them almost A YEAR to close on their house because there were so many complications).

So that's my update. I'll obviously have more on Friday after our first session with the mediator.
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post #70 of 86 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 07:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Tonight we meet with the mediator. I've spent a couple days typing up a *very* lengthy outline of a parenting plan using bits and pieces that I found online and modifying it to fit our needs. My husband is reviewing it to provide his comments or change suggestions, and the plan is to take that agreed-upon plan to the mediator tonight to see if we missed anything, and go over anything for which we may not completely understand the long-term ramifications (notably: what happens if my husband decides to move out of state, what happens if we want to take the children on international travel).

We both continue to be on the same page that we want to do as much as we can BEFORE we meet with the mediator in order to keep costs down. The mediator had said that the parenting plan can take a minimum 2-3 sessions with the mediator - more if the parents cannot agree on everything. Our hope is that we can reach a finalized agreement in one.


Married 20 years, currently working on separating with plan to divorce
Mom to two young teens

Last edited by ResignedWife; 03-02-2017 at 08:48 AM.
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post #71 of 86 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:05 AM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Good luck tonight! I hope this goes as smoothly as possible.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #72 of 86 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 07:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

First session with the mediator went really well. I can tell she has been doing this a long time (over 30 years). She said she is positive we can be done in just 3-4 sessions because we are so agreeable and friendly with each other, and because we already know answers to the majority of the issues she'll be asking about.

Last night we discussed most of the parenting plan outline I had come up with, and she suggested some modifications in language that we both liked and agreed to. She will be creating a formalized version of what we ended up with for our review and change requests, and at the next meeting we'll sign off on it. Then we'll begin work on the financial stuff, for which we told her that we had mostly figured out that stuff as well.

We also decided during last night's meeting to continue with the plan to wait until January 2018 to move forward with the separation, but gave each other the "out" that if things started to get bad then the other spouse could speak up and request we move towards separation sooner. My feeling based on last night's conversation is that once he's able to find a new job, he'll be ready to go ahead and separate - and that's fine with me.

Our next meeting with the mediator is in just under 2 weeks. We'll spent the duration gathering all our financial details to present to her, and outline our intentions.

Married 20 years, currently working on separating with plan to divorce
Mom to two young teens
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post #73 of 86 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 08:36 AM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
It is nice to hear two people working on parting ways amicably on this site for a change.
Yes. Our legal separation was very amicable, too. People thought it was odd how well we settled things and that from filing date to the Final Decree was only 7 weeks. We agreed on everything before I filed. There are some choices of his that really angered me at first, but things are going really well. We get along so much better now that the marriage has ended. Good luck!
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post #74 of 86 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 08:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

This week have been gathering all of our net worth and liability information in preparation for our meeting with the mediator next Monday. The good news is that my husband and I already agree that what's his is his, what's mine is mine (both assets and debts) and what is joint will be divided in half.

We have been very open about finances during our whole marriage - so there is no fear of either of us hiding something from the other. But gathering all the documentation is SUCH a hassle - especially since she wants paper copies of the latest statements.

Yesterday we emailed back and forth about whether one of us can keep the house and after some quick math agreed we'd both be better off selling it and getting smaller places. He can probably afford to buy me out and keep the house, truth be told, but it's a big house for a person to live in full-time. If we were doing a true 50/50 shared custody it would make more sense for him to keep it. But it's not 50/50 - it'll be more like 35/65 when all is said and done. Plus, he hates doing yardwork and HATES our HOA (I do too), so he wants to move to a townhouse in a non-HOA neighborhood.

This morning we received the draft of the Parenting Plan from the mediator - it looks good and only need a few minor edits, which I added and forward on to my husband for his review and comment. But it pretty much looks like we're done with the parenting plan. That was the major hurdle for us to cross, so I'm happy about that being done, and so easily as well.

Married 20 years, currently working on separating with plan to divorce
Mom to two young teens
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post #75 of 86 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 06:07 PM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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I certainly don't intend to sound defeatist OR to hide from the world. I just think my social life will revolve around girls' nights out (I get invited to quite a few), book club, dinner club, my kids, and work. Despite being a wife and mother, I have a decent social life with other woman in my sphere. So I don't see myself hiding away because of a marriage coming to an end.

I have no shame over the marriage ending - we gave it a good 20 years, and we both acknowledge that we have a lot of REALLY fond memories (and inside family jokes galore) that we will continue to share with each other. But when I look at myself 8-10 years down the road, when the kids are out of college and/or on their own, I don't see myself being married again. And I'm not depressed at that idea - I think it's a perfectly reasonable outlook for anyone to have.

I'm not anti-relationship, I just think I would be content being single going forward. That could change, but right now, that's what I see (and it doesn't bother me).
Um sorry. Am I missing something? None of this sounds right. Why are you throwing away your vows again?
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