Looks like we're parting ways. - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #76 of 106 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 03:36 AM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

........Because it's easy and considered socially acceptable........That's the story I was given when it happened to me.

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post #77 of 106 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 08:14 AM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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Um sorry. Am I missing something? None of this sounds right. Why are you throwing away your vows again?
Because they no longer want to be together.

It's as good a reason as any.
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post #78 of 106 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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Um sorry. Am I missing something? None of this sounds right. Why are you throwing away your vows again?
Because despite going to marriage counseling multiple times, and despite many attempts to bring the spark back, my husband has decided that he no longer wants to be married to me. He has made it plain for many years that he has been unhappy, and while I have not been happy either, I was content with the status quo of ending up as mere roommates versus having a deeper love that a married couple should have.

We're not throwing away our vows - this decision came after 18+ years of not being happy together. Had we thrown away the vows, it would have been done when the word "divorce" came up on our 2nd anniversary vacation. But we kept trying, and trying, and trying. That's not callously throwing anything away. That's finally admitting we're not good together the way a married couple should be.

Married 20 years, currently working with husband to separate in 2018
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post #79 of 106 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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........Because it's easy and considered socially acceptable........That's the story I was given when it happened to me.
Certainly not an easy decision - we've struggled for years and did our best to make it work. But it just wasn't going to, and I finally had to be the one to agree to let him go when he so clearly WANTED to go but was doing what he felt was the right thing by staying (but making us both unhappy as a result). He just needed my permission, which after 20 years, I finally gave him when I was ready to accept it.

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post #80 of 106 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Last night's meeting with the mediator to discuss financial issues went well. She brought up a couple things we hadn't thought of, so he and I will do some research to get her the answers in the next week or two.

When the subject of my debt came up, she kept mentioning to my husband that it could be considered family debt if any part of the incurred debt was for family vacations or other family expenses. I insisted that maybe only a third of the charges were family expenses, and that I wasn't going to have him be responsible for it since he also charges family expenses but he just happens to pay off his balances every month.

We calculated out a "worst case" scenario on the home sale, and using those numbers, I outlined how I'd be able to pay off my debt, have a 20% down-payment on a new house AND still be able to put a substantial amount of money into an emergency savings account. I also said that I hadn't used my credit cards several months and am paying much more than the minimum payments on them in an effort to get them paid off. In a year, when we plan on begin officially separating, the debt will be reduced by at least a third, if not more, so I'm not too worried it. The mediator accepted that assertion, and she stopped hinting that he should pay for half of it.

And with that, other than the one big issue we need to investigate, the financial stuff is done. We also finalized the parenting plan and calculated the child support based on our salaries today. We added a clause that at the end of each year after we separate/divorce we need to show each other our year-end paystubs to verify whether or not child support should be adjusted due to salary increases/decreases over 5%.

All in all it went REALLY well and with no arguments or disagreements at all. Last night he mentioned the appraisal of our piano, to which the mediator asked if there was anything he wanted in the house that was comparable. He shrugged and said, "Not really," at which point she said, "Your car is worth more. You have more in retirement assets. You won't be responsible at all for her debt. Is that a fair exchange for the piano?" He said, "When you put it like that....sure." *lol* I did mention my engagement and wedding rings, and he without hesitation said that I should keep them.

For our next meeting in April, she's going to write up a draft of the financial plan, and said that she'd only need another hour with us to review the plan together, make any edits, and print a final version of both the financial and parenting plans for an attorney to review on our behalf. At that point we'll be done and will only need to come back to her if we have significant life changes before we move forward on separation next year.

We do not need to file the paperwork when we separate, but can attach the plans to our request for divorce when we submit those forms to the court at the end of our one-year separation. Total cost for mediation, document creation and attorney review will end up being about $1500.

Married 20 years, currently working with husband to separate in 2018
Mom to two young teens
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post #81 of 106 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 08:33 AM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Your marriage sounds like reading Moby ****. It's a long ordeal that is supposed to be great but in reality just drags along and by the end you really don't care too much but there's still 50 pages left.

Maybe after this you should try a few short stories. Even if they're not that great, they'll end quicker


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post #82 of 106 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 09:30 AM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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Your marriage sounds like reading Moby ****. It's a long ordeal that is supposed to be great but in reality just drags along and by the end you really don't care too much but there's still 50 pages left.

Maybe after this you should try a few short stories. Even if they're not that great, they'll end quicker
From what I read they're moving ahead with the divorce (because that's what he wants) and they've already had at least one mediation session.

Divorce tends to be a rather slow process.
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post #83 of 106 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 09:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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Your marriage sounds like reading Moby ****. It's a long ordeal that is supposed to be great but in reality just drags along and by the end you really don't care too much but there's still 50 pages left.

Maybe after this you should try a few short stories. Even if they're not that great, they'll end quicker


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*lol* It has certainly FELT like Moby **** over the years. Doubt I'll be into short stories once we're done - at least, not until the kids are out of secondary school. I wouldn't feel comfortable writing any short stories while they are still under my roof.

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post #84 of 106 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 07:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

This weekend the kids and I went away for the weekend to visit my family and it was a good trip (husband stayed home to take care of the pets so we didn't have to board them). I had lunch with a friend of mine (the one who was devastated when I told her what was happening but now that she knows a bit of what's gone on over the past 20 years she can't WAIT for the separation to begin). We talked briefly about my current state, as well as my potential future state, and I think she's even more excited than I am about my next chapter.

The contractor is finally on the schedule for mid-April to begin working on the house to take care of some long-needed repairs and painting. Of all the projects I'm most excited about the painting of the foyer and second floor.

Recently we found out that several homes in our neighborhood are going on the market in May (about 7 out of the 400 in our subdivision) - which has solidified our decision to put the house on the market in MARCH 2018 to beat the rush next spring. All of the homes I've been following on various real estate sites since January are under contract or have completed their sale process - including ones that needed a lot of renovation or updating. I'll be curious to see how long the homes in our neighborhood take to sell once listed this May - especially those that are the same size as ours.

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post #85 of 106 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:05 AM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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This weekend the kids and I went away for the weekend to visit my family and it was a good trip (husband stayed home to take care of the pets so we didn't have to board them). I had lunch with a friend of mine (the one who was devastated when I told her what was happening but now that she knows a bit of what's gone on over the past 20 years she can't WAIT for the separation to begin). We talked briefly about my current state, as well as my potential future state, and I think she's even more excited than I am about my next chapter.
Maybe she just needed some time to absorb the information? Now that she has had time to think about it and you gave her more background, she's decided to support you. That's good. Good friends are hard to come by; hopefully, you guys can build your friendship for mutual support.


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post #86 of 106 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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Maybe she just needed some time to absorb the information? Now that she has had time to think about it and you gave her more background, she's decided to support you. That's good. Good friends are hard to come by; hopefully, you guys can build your friendship for mutual support.
I agree. She has always been a good friend - but I've always been very private about my very intimate affairs and don't share much more than surface level stuff with anyone (i.e., "Husband and I couldn't agree about which curtains to buy for the living room," or "Husband thinks I should have grounded Son for getting a C in Math, but I helped him study for his next test instead."). That's why it was such a shock to her when I initially told her.

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post #87 of 106 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 01:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Cross your fingers, folks! My husband got a call from a recruiter about a position for which he applied on Friday. The recruiter is a specialized recruiter specifically for my husband's industry, so he/we are very hopeful that even if this particular job doesn't work out, he'll still remain high on their list for other potential opportunities.

That's one of the major hurdles to our impending separation - he REALLY wants to be in a new job so he can have peace of mind in that regard when it comes to 1) buying a new place with solid employment in place, 2) ability to comfortably pay the alloted child support, 3) so much change all at one time (which he's not good with).

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post #88 of 106 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 11:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Update: nothing happened with the recruiter. Husband met with them and heard from them a few days later about one job, but never even got a follow-up call about an interview being set up with the company. But he did meet with another recruiter this past Monday and my husband said he was hopeful they would find something.

We meet with the mediator this Friday to finalize the documentation on the financial plan and received finalized printouts of both that and the parenting plan.

Contractor begins repair work on the house tomorrow.

Family life continues to be okay - Husband was out of town for work most of last week and the kids and I had a nice, easy time together and it was an appreciated small glimpse of what life could be like once Husband and I are separated.

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post #89 of 106 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 06:35 AM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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Update: nothing happened with the recruiter. Husband met with them and heard from them a few days later about one job, but never even got a follow-up call about an interview being set up with the company. But he did meet with another recruiter this past Monday and my husband said he was hopeful they would find something.

We meet with the mediator this Friday to finalize the documentation on the financial plan and received finalized printouts of both that and the parenting plan.

Contractor begins repair work on the house tomorrow.

Family life continues to be okay - Husband was out of town for work most of last week and the kids and I had a nice, easy time together and it was an appreciated small glimpse of what life could be like once Husband and I are separated.
Resignedwife, this all sounds so civilised and clinical almost. I wonder how are YOU actually. You have resigned yourself to this process. Have you already done your grieving? Have you already got past the hurt of rejection, of marriage failure, or your H basically abandoning you? I know these might sound like cruel questions but when you write it is so business like, so functionalist. Who is Resignedwife, what were your dreams, hopes. I guess I am trying to ask, HOW ARE YOU? Will you get IC after this?
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post #90 of 106 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 07:01 AM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Have you told your kids yet? If not, are you worried about them finding out through the grapevine or accidentally overhearing conversation?

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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