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Looks like we're parting ways.

35K views 183 replies 32 participants last post by  ResignedWife 
#1 ·
Husband and I have struggled through a 20-year marriage, and a couple weeks ago decided to bring it to an end. We have two kids, a couple pets, a home, and some modest debt (mostly mine).

Fortunately, we are still friends - we hardly ever fight - and both (sadly) agree it is time to move on. The plan is to go to a mediator to create the legal separation documents. The night we decided to part, we went to dinner for 2+ hours and went through some of the basic logistics.

1) We'll sell the house and split the proceeds equally (I'll use part of my proceeds to pay off my debt and the rest on a downpayment on a new, smaller home).
2) He only wants a few furnishings from the house and the possessions he came into the marriage with (stuff like records, books, some of his parents' furniture).
3) He said I was the "better parent" and that he wanted me to have majority custody (most likely 255/110 day split) and that he'd gladly pay whatever our state deems appropriate for child support.
4) He takes the cat, I take the dog.

The only big decision is WHEN. That's the part we're in limbo about. Because we get along, and there is absolutely NO animosity at all, there's no rush (truly, since we decided to separate we've been more affectionate and friendly with each other - because the stress of "what if" is finally gone).

I'm thinking the mediator can help us set up a long-term timeline for officially separating. Has anyone done this?

Something like:

February - April 2017: go through all house belongings together and get rid of unwanted things, pack up wanted things and store off site in separate storage units for each of us.
May - June 2017: make all house repairs we think would come up as an issue during sale process
July 2017: put the house on the market, assuming we'd be under contract within the end of the month. I'm not worried about selling the house - we're in a good part of town, in a sought-after neighborhood, in a great school district. This past year homes in our 'hood have been selling in under a week for an average of 98% of asking price. Even during the worst of the economic downturn, homes were still selling quickly because we are in a great area that is booming with growth.
September 2017: close on home sale and officially begin separation period.

The other question I'll have the mediator help with is WHEN do we tell the kids in this schedule? When school ends and before we put it on the market? That feels like the best time to me. I doubt they'd ask questions while we are decluttering or fixing up the house - they'll just think we're in "project mode" which happens from time to time.

Did anyone do a long-term timeline? And if so, when did you tell the kids?
 
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#81 ·
Your marriage sounds like reading Moby ****. It's a long ordeal that is supposed to be great but in reality just drags along and by the end you really don't care too much but there's still 50 pages left.

Maybe after this you should try a few short stories. Even if they're not that great, they'll end quicker ;)


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#82 ·
Your marriage sounds like reading Moby ****. It's a long ordeal that is supposed to be great but in reality just drags along and by the end you really don't care too much but there's still 50 pages left.

Maybe after this you should try a few short stories. Even if they're not that great, they'll end quicker ;)
From what I read they're moving ahead with the divorce (because that's what he wants) and they've already had at least one mediation session.

Divorce tends to be a rather slow process.
 
#84 ·
This weekend the kids and I went away for the weekend to visit my family and it was a good trip (husband stayed home to take care of the pets so we didn't have to board them). I had lunch with a friend of mine (the one who was devastated when I told her what was happening but now that she knows a bit of what's gone on over the past 20 years she can't WAIT for the separation to begin). We talked briefly about my current state, as well as my potential future state, and I think she's even more excited than I am about my next chapter.

The contractor is finally on the schedule for mid-April to begin working on the house to take care of some long-needed repairs and painting. Of all the projects I'm most excited about the painting of the foyer and second floor.

Recently we found out that several homes in our neighborhood are going on the market in May (about 7 out of the 400 in our subdivision) - which has solidified our decision to put the house on the market in MARCH 2018 to beat the rush next spring. All of the homes I've been following on various real estate sites since January are under contract or have completed their sale process - including ones that needed a lot of renovation or updating. I'll be curious to see how long the homes in our neighborhood take to sell once listed this May - especially those that are the same size as ours.
 
#85 ·
This weekend the kids and I went away for the weekend to visit my family and it was a good trip (husband stayed home to take care of the pets so we didn't have to board them). I had lunch with a friend of mine (the one who was devastated when I told her what was happening but now that she knows a bit of what's gone on over the past 20 years she can't WAIT for the separation to begin). We talked briefly about my current state, as well as my potential future state, and I think she's even more excited than I am about my next chapter.
Maybe she just needed some time to absorb the information? Now that she has had time to think about it and you gave her more background, she's decided to support you. That's good. Good friends are hard to come by; hopefully, you guys can build your friendship for mutual support.
 
#87 ·
Cross your fingers, folks! My husband got a call from a recruiter about a position for which he applied on Friday. The recruiter is a specialized recruiter specifically for my husband's industry, so he/we are very hopeful that even if this particular job doesn't work out, he'll still remain high on their list for other potential opportunities.

That's one of the major hurdles to our impending separation - he REALLY wants to be in a new job so he can have peace of mind in that regard when it comes to 1) buying a new place with solid employment in place, 2) ability to comfortably pay the alloted child support, 3) so much change all at one time (which he's not good with).
 
#88 ·
Update: nothing happened with the recruiter. Husband met with them and heard from them a few days later about one job, but never even got a follow-up call about an interview being set up with the company. But he did meet with another recruiter this past Monday and my husband said he was hopeful they would find something.

We meet with the mediator this Friday to finalize the documentation on the financial plan and received finalized printouts of both that and the parenting plan.

Contractor begins repair work on the house tomorrow.

Family life continues to be okay - Husband was out of town for work most of last week and the kids and I had a nice, easy time together and it was an appreciated small glimpse of what life could be like once Husband and I are separated.
 
#89 ·
Resignedwife, this all sounds so civilised and clinical almost. I wonder how are YOU actually. You have resigned yourself to this process. Have you already done your grieving? Have you already got past the hurt of rejection, of marriage failure, or your H basically abandoning you? I know these might sound like cruel questions but when you write it is so business like, so functionalist. Who is Resignedwife, what were your dreams, hopes. I guess I am trying to ask, HOW ARE YOU? Will you get IC after this?
 
#93 ·
No, the kids do not know yet. The only time we talk about what's happening is when we are out by ourselves or over email. Never at home.

I'm not worried about the grapevine. The only people who know do not engage with my kids at all - either because they live in another state or because they do not have kids that would overhear THEIR conversation and then tell my kids.

The plan is still to tell the kids next January with a goal of putting the house on the market by late March/early April.
 
#95 ·
Just got back from the final meeting with the mediator. Both plans are approved (but will not be signed until Husband and I actually separate). Just prior to official separation we'll meet with the mediator one more time to update our financials, and possibly recalculate child custody if our salaries have dramatically changed. We'll then sign and notarize our plans the same day we close on the house sale, signifying that the one-year separation period has officially started.

She said that when the separation year is up we'll need to come back to her to get a signed form signifying that we went through mediation as part of our separation agreement. We'll then attach that form to the parenting and financial plans and submit them all to the court with our divorce paperwork.

And just like that we're 90% done with mediation. Grand total spent thus far: ~$1300. We'll pay a bit more next spring when we're ready to actually separate.

Now it's just the waiting game - finding a new job for him and taking our time getting the house and landscaping ready to list the house next spring.
 
#96 ·
Ugh. Bad morning this morning. My husband and I differ in two distinct ways that have always been a source of arguing. This morning they both reared their heads.

I was talking about my job and the discussion moved into talking about his, and his unhappiness. After a brief rant, he said, "It doesn't matter - I'm quitting in 3 months anyway."

"With a job, though," I said.

"I don't care - I just know in three months I will no longer work there."

"But with a new job in place."

He shrugged and said, "Maybe not."

I said, "It doesn't work like that. If you truly want out of there, you need to step up your search and find a new job. THEN quit." (I did not mention at this moment in the discussion that 90% of his job search has been ME doing the searching and networking, not him). I then asked, "Have you followed up with any of the people you've spoken with thus far?" (I already knew the answer - he has not).

At this point he went to get in the shower and saw a glass I had put on the dresser from the night before. He snarled, "Don't forget to take your glass downstairs when you go - I shouldn't have to do everything around here." With that he got in the shower and we didn't speak another word to each other before I left the house for work.

And there are the two things. First, he can be MISERABLE about something (i.e., his job, our marriage) and he does nothing about it. He'd rather wallow in misery. I'm Type A when it comes this kind of stuff, he's Type B. Granted, when it comes to our marriage, I have stayed in it as well, but I found happiness where I could. But when it comes to employment, if I'm unhappy, I find something a new job or figure out a way to make my current employment get better. He was only going to spend a year with his current employer - but he's now been there 10 years (and miserable for 8-9 of those years).

I've tried to hang back to let him be Type A of his own life. But he just isn't. It was only when I finally let my Type A go into action and told him we should end the marriage, that's when things started to move. I can't be Type A for his job hunt - I certainly can't email the recruiters and say, "What are you doing to find my husband a job?" A helicopter wife is even worse than a helicopter parent - and I'm neither.

The second thing was his throwaway comment about doing everything around the house. Now, I'll be the first to admit he does a lot, but that's because when it comes to the house he is a Type A personality. I'm much more Type B. After dinner he wants the dishes done right away, whereas I think it's okay to leave them there for an hour or two and just relax for a bit. If laundry is done, he wants it out of the dryer and folded while it's still warm, whereas I'm okay leaving it in the dryer (or the laundry basket) for a few hours and doing it later. It will always GET DONE, but on a different timeline. As a result, it can look like he does more - but it's only because he feels a need to get it done NOW, versus later. It's almost as though he thinks that if he doesn't do it, it'll never get done. But that's not true. I do them, but at a less rushed pace.

There have been times over the years that he has "tested" me and deliberately left things not done and guess what? They GOT DONE.

So what is this post about? Who knows. I just needed to vent, really. This morning was the first time in a long while that we've sniped at each other. I know he griped about the glass out of defensiveness because he knows I'm right about his job hunt.

Old Me would have gone in and apologized to him in order to make peace (I've been doing that for 20 years), but this morning I did not. He never apologizes for ANYthing, so why should I continue to apologize even when I know I did nothing wrong?
 
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#98 ·
RW:

You are divorcing. What he does or does not do about his job is not your problem.

As to the apologizing, try to do your best to be the bigger person. Not easy with someone like that, but you will build emotional resiliency in yourself while not stirring the pot in the delicate period of negotiation.
 
#100 ·
But it WOULD be my problem if he chooses in three months to quit his job without having a new one because then I am the sole breadwinner - and we certainly cannot afford to live on just my salary alone (I make 30% less than he does). I'd much rather he wait and get laid off (if that's in the cards (he thinks it is)) because at least then he'll get severance pay and be eligible for unemployment, which will help soften the financial blow of being out of work. If he quits, he gets nothing.

Although I suppose a "benefit" would be that we'd separate sooner because we'd have to sell the house because we can't afford the mortgage on my salary alone.

He sent me a half-@ssed apology email saying he's sorry we aren't "on the same page" about his job hunt. But he did thank me for the help I've provided thus far. So that's something, I guess?
 
#99 ·
I cannot help but think that you are doing the right thing and that you are handling the matter in an extremely mature manner!

So sorry to see you going through all of this! My heartfelt wishes go out to both you and the kids!
 
#101 ·
So last night Husband acknowledged he was wrong in the argument we had yesterday morning. He agreed that he needed to take charge of his job hunt and that he would not quit until he either had a new job or was laid off. He emailed all the recruiters and network contacts I found for him to check in and see if they had heard of anything, and to provide a cleaner, updated resume to all of them.

I mentioned to him the possibility of looking in other cities - Chicago, Houston, NYC, Atlanta, Boston, etc. - since their job markets might be more robust than our local metro area. He said he was considering it but wanted to wait another month or two before expanding his search outside our area. I told him that if he ended up having to relocate for a job, we'd figure out a new plan for the separation timeline and child visitation, and not to let that concern him at all.
 
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#102 ·
**Long post ahead - sorry!**

Today I had a doozy of a phone call from my husband at work. He's fallen back into severe depression about his job, with very little hope. But in the midst of that discussion, he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to separate and that he wanted to try marriage counseling again.

I told him that since we weren't planning on separating until January, I would be willing to go to counseling, but only if he went to individual counseling for himself AND got on anti-depressants to help balance himself out. He agreed immediately to both. I then said it was up to him to find a counselor for us to see, and to find another one for his IC, and to go see his doctor to get the meds. He said he would.

I'm not sure how I feel - I suppose my initial thoughts are of the "Wait and see" variety. Wait and see if he finds a counselor (usually I'm the one that researches things and makes appointments). Wait and see if he'll actually go to IC. Wait and see if he not only gets the meds but TAKES them faithfully every day. Wait and see if his actions show that he wants us to become better with each other.

What I suspect is actually happening is that he is still deep in the throes of the lowest chasm of his midlife crisis, and that he's realizing what his post-separation future may look like if he doesn't make a change. To me, his post-separation life looks very lonely. He has no friends in the town where we live (in 10+ years we've lived here he's made NO EFFORT to make friends - no one that he can call and just say, "Wanna hang out and watch a game?"), no connections with anyone, and he has no hobbies to speak of. I've encouraged him MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY times, "Hey, why don't you call Guy A and see if he wants to come over and watch the game?" or "Hey, why not call Guy B and see if he wants to go grab a beer with you." But he does nothing, makes no attempts.

And it's the same with the kids and me. "Hey, the kids and I want to go see 'This Movie' - want to come?" And he'll scrunch up his nose and say, "No, that's not the kind of movie I'd want to see." Or I'll say, "I recorded 'That TV Show' because I know you like This Actor - want to watch it together?" And he'll shake his head and say, "No, not really. You can watch it without me." "Hey, This Singer is coming to town for a concert - I know you love her and have all her CDs - wanna go?" "No, I don't like her enough to pay for tickets to a concert." After a few hundred times over the years, I've stopped asking.

As such, he is very isolated and really only has me to talk to, and his interests have become very narrow: craft beer and sports. I don't drink beer, and I hate sports. I've gone to sporting events over the years because I know he likes them (in fact, we're traveling four hours this June to see his favorite baseball team play), and I've not frowned at all on his desire to go to beer festivals (although I'm not a fan of how inebriated he is when I pick him up at the end).

On the other hand, I have people I can talk to at work, at church, at home; and I have weekly/monthly social events I attend, and I'm much more connected with the kids as well.

But I can't do "life" for him. If he wants a new job, he needs be proactive and do the work to find one - not me. If he wants friends - he needs to engage with people and build relationships - I can't do that for him. If he wants to have a good relationship with the kids - he needs to spend time with them and not just one hour between getting home from work and going to the gym.

If he wants to fix the marriage - well, I'll be honest - I'm not sure if that can be fixed.

Let's say that tonight I instantly lose the weight that bothers him. I'll never feel like I've lost enough to please him. Is 10 pounds enough? 20? Would that suddenly cause him to realize he loves me more than ever? Is he that shallow? What happens if I slowly gain the weight back? Will he suddenly go back to not wanting to be with me?

What if I regain my sexual interest in him (bear in mind, I lost interest a few years ago when he announced he had no physical attraction for me and no longer wanted to have sex (this led to his starting an EA that almost turned physical before I discovered what was happening))? I'll always feel like he's just "settling" by being with me, because of what he has said in the past. I'll always feel like he is just going through the motions versus really WANTING to be intimate with me.

What if we are magically able to be vulnerable and open with each other starting tonight? There may be too much that was said in the past that can be forgiven, but not forgotten. Actions can be forgotten, but words cannot. They are pernicious and stick around for years and years. I can remember where we were standing, and what time of day it was, and the exact words he spoke when he said some pretty harsh words about me and our relationship.

Thoughts?
 
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#104 ·
**Long post ahead - sorry!**

I would be willing to go to counseling, but only if he went to individual counseling for himself AND got on anti-depressants to help balance himself out.

You are a good person to give him a chance to work on himself and the marriage again, not many would.

He has no friends in the town where we live (in 10+ years we've lived here he's made NO EFFORT to make friends - no one that he can call and just say, "Wanna hang out and watch a game?"), no connections with anyone, and he has no hobbies to speak of. I've encouraged him MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY times, "Hey, why don't you call Guy A and see if he wants to come over and watch the game?" or "Hey, why not call Guy B and see if he wants to go grab a beer with you." But he does nothing, makes no attempts.

As such, he is very isolated and really only has me to talk to, and his interests have become very narrow
-

The above was me but the fear and shock of D helped me snap out of it, for me it was two fold it was partially lack of self esteem and confidence which had crept up over the years so did not feel like I had anything to really offer anyone and secondly I worked and wanted to be there for my family all the time but that also resulted in me probably smothering and looking needy and pathetic. My W constantly encouraged me to reach out to people and forced me to multiple social events but I just could not open up at the time, I m in a much better place in that regards have a couple of friends and started some new hobbies finally it started with one and I managed to branch out from there, one thing that has worked is I accepted any social invitation regardless of if i wanted to go or not and once I got out i actually really started to enjoy it again, was your husband social in the past?

I am still a little lonely and still have the urge to isolate myself occasionally but maybe try taking him to some of your social outlets and leaving him with some of the other husbands so he is forced to engage with people and then some follow up meetings after some smaller groups??? i am just throwing out ideas because I have been that lonely Isolated person and it is not nice and is hard to get past it but you obviously have to look after yourself first.

But I can't do "life" for him. - no you cannot at some point he has to take responsibility for himself

If he wants to fix the marriage - well, I'll be honest - I'm not sure if that can be fixed. - the fact you are willing to go and the fact he is willing (we think) to go then I would say it can as long as he works on his issues in IC which I hope he does even if you do still seperate, I would not wish loneliness or isolation on anyone.

What if we are magically able to be vulnerable and open with each other starting tonight? - I would be willing to do anything to have the opportunity to not be getting D and to have kept my family together and built a stronger relationship with my W hopefully if you want that is, he see's this as an opportunity to start again and makes it right so you both get happiness.

There may be too much that was said in the past that can be forgiven, but not forgotten. - That is something you have to decide for yourself, I have said some nasty things to people in the past and have said them while hurt to cause hurt which is an awful thing to do deflecting your pain onto someone else but I have done it and i regret it having never really meant the things i have said.
 
#103 ·
Hm, kinda tough.

So what makes him think that MC can fix this, when he has no physical attraction or desire to have sex with you? What you stated about him telling you that, then almost getting into a physical relationship with someone else, really bothers me. Not only because he may be prompted to cheat, but that its blatant that the lack of desire only pertains to YOU. He doesn't want to spend time with you, doesn't care to have a social life. What kind of life is that for YOU? I hope he does get on some meds and get some help, but even if he does, I hold little hope that suddenly he is going to have interest in and attraction to you. Can you live with him as a roommate only for the rest of your life? Can HE?
 
#105 ·
Ok I totally disagree with your notion that words said have long term power to them. Totally untrue - you empower them. I say **** all the time and forget it. It has no long term meaning - I respond to the world around me and I live and I change. What I said last year? Meh if the circumstances have changed.

Other than that I think you have your head screwed on straight


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#106 · (Edited)
@3Xnocharm - we've lived as "roommates" for the past several years, so it wouldn't be any different. Before we talked in January about getting divorced, I had always thought I'd wait until the kids were 18+ years old and then ask him for a divorce. This way we wouldn't have to worry about a potential custody situation.

@MovingForward - thanks for the responses, especially about your own isolation and loneliness. Perhaps, I think, a lot of men go through this as they get older? Women seem to have besties from childhood, but men - not so much.

@TheTruthHurts - most things I can forget, but in this case, the words he said have effected the last several years of our marriage because circumstances (and his opinions) have not changed. And he and I both know it.
 
#107 ·
I've started and deleted a new update several times over the past couple of days.

My husband had another emotional outburst earlier this week - talking about the futility of it all (looking for a new job), feeling like a failure about our marriage, and a few other things.

After the kids went to bed, we had a two hour talk where I just let him get it all out of his system. He is VERY afraid about the financial future if he is laid off without severance. We'd have to sell the house immediately, and when I gently told him that we'd go ahead and separate at that time, I could see the look of fear in his eyes. He asked, "We wouldn't move together into a new house?" I said, "No, there's no reason to since we are planning to separate ANYway. We'd just move up the timeline." He was not happy to hear that, but I assured him he'd be okay because he would live quite comfortably on his half of the sale proceeds, which would equal more than a year's salary. But I reminded him that we would not be able to afford the mortgage on the current house on just my salary, even if we refinance back into a new 30 year mortgage.

I also told him his depression was spiraling much deeper than is healthy, and I asked him to get into IC immediately, see his doctor to get different meds since the ones she gave him last time do not seem to work, and to lessen his beer drinking since the amount he drinks only makes his depression deeper rather than alleviating it. He agreed about all three. He saw his doctor this morning for new meds, and he has contacted at least one therapist this week (but wasn't able to make an appointment since she is not taking new patients at the moment).

The next day I sent him 32 job listings that I found online, and that night he began applying. He is now willing to take ANY job - even if it pays 30% less than he's currently earning. He is that desperate to find a new job before getting laid off, so that he doesn't have to worry about whether or not he'll get severance. He believes he has at least 2 months before any layoffs occur because they have a major deadline in late June for a project, and they need all hands on deck for it. After that, who knows.

It has been a very stressful week. My husband is the kind of person who bottles up all his stress and fear and then just explodes and dumps it on me unexpectedly.
 
#111 ·
Folks, I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Last night we had another "come to Jesus" conversation - about his job, about our marriage. Very productive because this time instead of holding back and just letting him talk, I took control on the conversation let loose about everything that has made me unhappy in our marriage.

And I mean EVERYTHING. There's a lot of little things that I didn't post about on here, but have taken a toll on our marriage. Last night I finally let it all out. I told him that I didn't want to dump on him while he was already feeling down about his job situation (the company is definitely working to fire him rather than just lay him off so they can avoid giving him severance pay), but that I had some things I needed to say so that all the cards could be on the table.

Among many other things, I told him that I thought the only reason he wanted to stay together was because he was comfortable with me and afraid of what life would be like without me there to handle stuff. He agreed and said that was definitely part of it, but that he was also sad that he didn't love me enough to appreciate me and the things I have done during our marriage, and that he can see now that I bring a lot of positive things to his life that he doesn't want to lose.

In the end, we decided to keep trying to work on our marriage. But this time, instead of just paying lip service to "making it better" - we'd both actively try to make it better. I gave him several "must haves" and that if I didn't get those things from him, we'd be back to talking about separation/divorce. I also agreed to his "must haves" although mine don't make/break a marriage, per se.

I don't know if we'll be successful because there is so much more history than what I've shared here, but we're going to try nonetheless.
 
#112 ·
F
In the end, we decided to keep trying to work on our marriage. But this time, instead of just paying lip service to "making it better" - we'd both actively try to make it better. I gave him several "must haves" and that if I didn't get those things from him, we'd be back to talking about separation/divorce. I also agreed to his "must haves" although mine don't make/break a marriage, per se.
Good for you, if you both want it and both actively work at it then you should be successful and if he does not you can walk away head held high knowing it was not meant to be and you can move on and find happiness again.
 
#118 ·
Another few days have past, and things continue to go well. We're talking and sharing more, and being open about stuff. A complete turnaround from our prior communication which was always "all business." We've both been attempting to be more physically affectionate with each other - something we haven't done in a long time because we've been "all business." He has been more vocal about expressing appreciation for what I do for him, the family and the household, and I've continued to be encouraging of him as well as helping around the house more.

His job hunt is ongoing and his misery at work is at an all-time high, but he did finally get a request for a phone interview this week, which is a positive sign. We're taking steps to reduce our monthly expenses just in case he has to take a lower salary - so far so good on that front.

Since May 10 he has avoided alcohol completely other than the one beer he had over the weekend while watching a baseball game. This week he started drinking a cup of coffee after dinner instead of beer. His general outlook has been improved as a result.

I also think the anti-depression meds are helping - his temperament has been much more leveled out and he seems better able to handle the stress at work. He is still having sleep issues, but I know once he gets a new job that will resolve itself. In the meantime, he manages it by going downstairs and turning on the news, and once he gets tired again he comes back upstairs and falls asleep in bed.

So that's my update - things continue to go well.
 
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#119 ·
Weekly update - my husband's phone interview went well and he is optimistic. They spoke to him for almost 45 minutes, which I felt was a strong positive because if they felt he wasn't a good candidate, they'd have ended the call much sooner rather than drag it on. They told him they'd contact their top two phone candidates next week to set up in-person interviews. We're hoping he gets a call as it seems like a good opportunity based on the phone interview.

His moods continue to be more regulated thanks to the lack of alcohol and continuation of his meds. Since May 10 he has only had 3 beers in total (yes, I'm tracking), and he sold a beer festival ticket he had because he didn't want to go anymore. He has continued to be much more understanding and kind to the kids and me, as well as physically affectionate. Basically, our household has been a pleasure to be in over the past couple weeks because of the open communication and ability to "vent" the small stuff rather than let them build up and explode in a heap of drama and misery.

In other news, I've opted to begin looking for a new job myself, and applied for a GREAT opportunity. I have a friend who is good friends with one of the executives there, and he wrote a glowing recommendation on my behalf when I applied a few days ago, so I'm hopeful that I'll get a call for an interview in the next week or two. I love my current job, but some recent changes among leadership has me worried that in 1-2 years I may be deemed "unnecessary," and I'd rather leave while I'm on top versus being asked to leave. My company is big enough that I could probably transfer to another area, but I'm not sure I want to do that at this point.
 
#121 ·
No, he isn't not an alcoholic, but he does drink when he is depressed, and it effects his personality (he becomes sarcastic, rude, and disengaged). In our conversation a couple weeks ago I told him I thought he was a problem drinker in that he goes to booze to self-soothe his depression, but drinks just enough that his depression gets even worse. He agreed and said he'd cut back.
 
#123 ·
No, he's not a reader so he wouldn't read it, and I'm not a fan of self-help books in general as there is no "one size fits all" to any given situation. Also, I'm not a fan of any book that will make either spouse feel bad for not being in the best physical shape at all times. Not everyone can be a size 8 or less (women) or a 28/30 waist (men).

As I have told my husband, I may lose weight or I might not, but his love for me should not BE BASED on whether or not I lose weight because then it's an unattainable standard for me and even if I reach size 8, I'll still feel like it's not enough FOR HIM. And NO ONE should be put in that position EVER.
 
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#126 ·
And that is why you sit down together and come to an AGREEMENT on which of his needs you can and will meet, and vice versa. It's not a manifesto or something.

The book explains why learning what your spouse's needs are is so important because it opens the communication floodgates and lets BOTH of you come to a place of agreement that is mutually beneficial.

And the beauty is that, when your spouse is aware of your needs and is actively seeking to make you happy, the specific needs' importance tends to fade.
 
#128 ·
@ResignedWife I proposed to my w when she was her max weight - I think even pregnant with twins years later she weighed about the same

Don't assume that your view of attractiveness is the same as your H. We all tend to be self critical and lose sight of our positive qualities

In my case, I read the book and discussed it and did ask my w to improve her appearance. It was fine but not actually attractive from a male / female perspective. She works and is a mom but I also wanted a woman and wife. I pointed out that I see women dressed nicely, wearing makeup, etc all day at work and I would prefer to see my own w that way - I didn't want to look at other women - I'd rather ogle my w a bit. So it was simply asking her to take some time to bring back a little care and show me that I'm worth trying to attract - I'm not just a sure thing. At the same time I work on my appearance as well.

Weight is irrelevant unless it's unhealthy or sloppy (as in not caring about appearance). There are nice clothes for people of all shapes and sizes.



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#130 ·
@ResignedWife I proposed to my w when she was her max weight - I think even pregnant with twins years later she weighed about the same

Don't assume that your view of attractiveness is the same as your H. We all tend to be self critical and lose sight of our positive qualities

...

Weight is irrelevant unless it's unhealthy or sloppy (as in not caring about appearance). There are nice clothes for people of all shapes and sizes.
Weight is relevant when your husband has previously said on more than a few occasions that he is not attracted to you anymore because you are no longer a size 8.
 
#129 ·
So true. My H still wants me all the time, even though I'm 60-80 pounds overweight. What he DOESN'T like is for me to wear sweats or not fix my hair; he's always commenting on women and how they dress. So I know that's his 'weight.'

My best friend has been 250-300 since she was 22. She met her husband around age 35. He seems fine with it.

It sounds like the real person with the weight hangup (or shame, or fear of abandonment, or whatever) is you. it's surely mine; I think about it every.single.day. Yet I don't give up the habits that keep me at this weight.

Have you two really sat down and discussed this?

btw (here's that push again, lol), the questionnaires that go along with HNHN are made precisely BECAUSE they allow and encourage the two of you to sit down and work through how you're really feeling about each other.
 
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