Looks like we're parting ways. - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

User Tag List

 100Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 106 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 01:28 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
ResignedWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 63
Looks like we're parting ways.

Husband and I have struggled through a 20-year marriage, and a couple weeks ago decided to bring it to an end. We have two kids, a couple pets, a home, and some modest debt (mostly mine).

Fortunately, we are still friends - we hardly ever fight - and both (sadly) agree it is time to move on. The plan is to go to a mediator to create the legal separation documents. The night we decided to part, we went to dinner for 2+ hours and went through some of the basic logistics.

1) We'll sell the house and split the proceeds equally (I'll use part of my proceeds to pay off my debt and the rest on a downpayment on a new, smaller home).
2) He only wants a few furnishings from the house and the possessions he came into the marriage with (stuff like records, books, some of his parents' furniture).
3) He said I was the "better parent" and that he wanted me to have majority custody (most likely 255/110 day split) and that he'd gladly pay whatever our state deems appropriate for child support.
4) He takes the cat, I take the dog.

The only big decision is WHEN. That's the part we're in limbo about. Because we get along, and there is absolutely NO animosity at all, there's no rush (truly, since we decided to separate we've been more affectionate and friendly with each other - because the stress of "what if" is finally gone).

I'm thinking the mediator can help us set up a long-term timeline for officially separating. Has anyone done this?

Something like:

February - April 2017: go through all house belongings together and get rid of unwanted things, pack up wanted things and store off site in separate storage units for each of us.
May - June 2017: make all house repairs we think would come up as an issue during sale process
July 2017: put the house on the market, assuming we'd be under contract within the end of the month. I'm not worried about selling the house - we're in a good part of town, in a sought-after neighborhood, in a great school district. This past year homes in our 'hood have been selling in under a week for an average of 98% of asking price. Even during the worst of the economic downturn, homes were still selling quickly because we are in a great area that is booming with growth.
September 2017: close on home sale and officially begin separation period.

The other question I'll have the mediator help with is WHEN do we tell the kids in this schedule? When school ends and before we put it on the market? That feels like the best time to me. I doubt they'd ask questions while we are decluttering or fixing up the house - they'll just think we're in "project mode" which happens from time to time.

Did anyone do a long-term timeline? And if so, when did you tell the kids?

ResignedWife is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 106 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 01:47 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 2,420
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Personally I'd focus mostly on the kids. Do they have any idea? Were you two ever affectionate?

It's most important to give the kids a good role model for their future relationships. So I would think you should talk to a child psychologist or school psychologist and get their take on how to handle it.

IMO sooner rather than later. How old are they?

Can you both talk about it with them while you go through your scheduled plan? It may take a long time to process and they may have questions as they do process things.

Get your stories straight ahead of time. Can you both talk about what was missing and why it didn't work out? This is all they've known - if they should seek more in their relationships, you'll have to spell that out.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
TheTruthHurts is offline  
post #3 of 106 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 08:02 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southeast
Posts: 4,293
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

I did a long-term plan and told my ex-husband in advance in order to have everything settled before the divorce (it still wasn't totally settled but I did try).

When children are younger, one of their biggest concerns about divorce is usually where they're going to live and will they have to change schools and lose friends. Give them as much age-appropriate information as you feel they need (or want).

Like everything else in life, it takes time.

Last edited by Openminded; 01-23-2017 at 08:59 PM.
Openminded is offline  
 
post #4 of 106 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 09:38 PM
Member
 
Betrayedone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 404
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

This is just so sad.........
Betrayedone is offline  
post #5 of 106 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 08:15 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
ResignedWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 63
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Our kid are in middle school. Yes, my husband and I are occasionally affectionate in front of them - kisses after work, random hugs, "date nights" every now and again. In fact, as my husband and I left to go to the 2+ hour dinner to discuss what we were going to do, our kids said, "Are you going out for a date night?" *sigh*

They will not be leaving the school district and, in fact, based on where I can afford to live, they may be able to stay with their friends. As it stands right now, because of re-zoning due to a new school opening, next school year they'd both be going to brand new schools ANYway. So if we are able to sell the house and get settled by September, it's quite possible they'll be able to go to the schools they were originally zoned for, and therefore stay with their middle school friends. Or they'd go to the new schools, which was in the cards ALREADY even if my husband and I were not separating.

Sadly, I think one child in particular will be happy to hear we are divorcing - he and his dad do NOT get along at all, I think both will be relieved not to be around each other as much (they are basically the exact same personality and therefore butt heads ALL the time). The other child may not take it as well, and is the one I'm worried about telling.

My husband and I will be meeting with the mediator in a couple weeks - I've told her the most important subject of that first meeting is the kids. Not only a parenting plan, but how/when to tell the kids.
ResignedWife is offline  
post #6 of 106 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 08:29 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1,456
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ResignedWife View Post
He said I was the "better parent" and that he wanted me to have majority custody (most likely 255/110 day split)
Good but not complete. You need to consider leap years.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ResignedWife View Post
July 2017: put the house on the market, assuming we'd be under contract within the end of the month. I'm not worried about selling the house
As Spring breaks open in mid to late March the real estate market starts to pick up. Regardless of how strong the market is, you don't want to be missing the best few months where you're more likely to get a better price and deal with buyers who won't be so picky about fixing things because they don't have the negotiating power, because they may very well be competing with other buyers.

Also lots of people look for homes much earlier than the summer because they want to be settled in before school starts in September.

Last edited by browser; 01-23-2017 at 08:50 AM.
browser is offline  
post #7 of 106 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 02:10 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
ResignedWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 63
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Our housing market has always been very strong, and has been a seller's market since 2000 with a small brief period in 2009 where it was still a seller's market but homes took two weeks to sell instead of a few days. I'm not worried about people nitpicking the house to try and get a better deal. As such, my husband and I have made a list of things we are going to fix around the house in order to have it be as good as possible. If we can get it on the market sooner than July, we will - but we're in no rush since we know it'll sell the moment it hits the market, and we can always arrange for a 30-day closing if the buyers are worried about getting in before the school year starts. The only houses in our town that don't have bidding wars are those that are in need of a LOT of updates. But even those get snapped up quickly. Houses sell all year long here - there is no "cool" period.
ResignedWife is offline  
post #8 of 106 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 11:58 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
ResignedWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 63
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Husband and I talked real estate and friends last night - and we joked about the possibility that we may end up being neighbors after we separate. We both want to live in the same small subdivision of townhomes in town, and right now there are two for sale that are only a few doors away from each other. I told him I didn't care if we lived that close to one another, and it might be beneficial for the kids to know that he is so close by and available whenever they want to see him.

One of my kids has a friend whose parents did the same thing when they divorced (on good terms). They live in the same apartment complex, in the same building, and even on the same floor. But he's at one end of the hall and she's on the other. Their child goes back and forth freely between the two, even though the mom has primary custody. This may be a good option for my husband and me as well.

Also, he and I have hosted a huge annual party at the end of every year for almost 20 years and it has really become an annual tradition for many people - we agreed a couple days ago that if we are still amicable by the time the party date approaches, we would co-host the party. We share a lot of the same friends and we do not want them to take sides regarding our separation - co-hosting and continuing the party tradition could be a good way to assure our mutual friends that everything will be okay.

Lots to think about.
ResignedWife is offline  
post #9 of 106 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 12:01 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,673
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Just remember that there is a possibility of 2 more people becoming involved in your situation, and often, they struggle in circumstances when the exes are fairly close (in various forms). Not that should be #1 concern, your kids are. But just something to take into consideration.
Herschel is offline  
post #10 of 106 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 12:38 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
ResignedWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 63
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Herschel View Post
Just remember that there is a possibility of 2 more people becoming involved in your situation, and often, they struggle in circumstances when the exes are fairly close (in various forms). Not that should be #1 concern, your kids are. But just something to take into consideration.
I'm not too worried about that on my side. I think I'm the "one and done" type of person, like my grandmother was. I've always been independent - and I think that was one of the main struggles through our marriage. I never RELIED on him for anything, never really PARTNERED with him. And he needed someone that would take care of him - even if his fever was only 99.1 degrees. I'm just not that type of person, and never have been. So I doubt I'd ever enter into a long-term relationship of any kind that would get to the point where I'd bring the other person around my kids.

As for my husband, I hope he does find someone new once we've parted ways. He's a good guy - he deserves to find happiness with someone else. And if it came to the point where his new partner is worried about him and me living near each other, I'd be okay with moving. Besides, at that point I'd hope that I could afford to get an actual HOUSE again instead of staying in a townhouse. I am not a townhouse kind of person - I like not having my neighbors in such close proximity. But I'll do it for now until I can afford something else down the road.


Last edited by ResignedWife; 04-12-2017 at 02:34 PM.
ResignedWife is offline  
post #11 of 106 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 07:52 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
ResignedWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 63
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Hubby and I have made the first appointment with the mediator - she is considered the best one in our area and so we couldn't get on her calendar until early March. We thought we'd be able to see her in early February, but then a calendar conflict arose and now we'll wait until March. She has confirmed the first meeting will solely be about building a parenting plan and how to tell the kids and our extended families.

Between now and that appointment, we're going to each rent storage units and begin going through the garage/attic together, dividing stuff and getting rid of anything neither of us wants, as well as making a list of all the furniture in the house and who gets what. We won't be able to start doing that until mid-February, but if we dedicate two full Saturdays to it, we should be able to get a lot done. The kids will not suspect anything since we've been talking about going through the garage/attic for a long time.

We've also made the complete list of all the repairs/cleanups needed around the house and will begin those immediately rather than wait - starting with all the stuff that we know we can do ourselves.
ResignedWife is offline  
post #12 of 106 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 07:56 AM
Member
 
tropicalbeachiwish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: La La Land
Posts: 1,771
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

It sounds like you both are rational and are going about this very amicably. I applaud you for that.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
tropicalbeachiwish is offline  
post #13 of 106 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 12:34 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 2,420
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Personally I think your "one and done" mentality is defeatist, dismissive, or an attempt to roll into a ball and hide from the world.


My MIL and FIL, as good Catholics, never remarried, meaning 40+ years without a significant other just because they believed the "failed" at marriage.

I sincerely encourage you to seek therapy - your dismissive attitude toward ever wanting a partner is probably a defense mechanism or shame over a failed marriage.

And BTW your current marriage is in no way indicative of life on a new relationship.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
TheTruthHurts is offline  
post #14 of 106 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 08:03 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
ResignedWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 63
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
Personally I think your "one and done" mentality is defeatist, dismissive, or an attempt to roll into a ball and hide from the world.

My MIL and FIL, as good Catholics, never remarried, meaning 40+ years without a significant other just because they believed the "failed" at marriage.

I sincerely encourage you to seek therapy - your dismissive attitude toward ever wanting a partner is probably a defense mechanism or shame over a failed marriage.

And BTW your current marriage is in no way indicative of life on a new relationship.
I certainly don't intend to sound defeatist OR to hide from the world. I just think my social life will revolve around girls' nights out (I get invited to quite a few), book club, dinner club, my kids, and work. Despite being a wife and mother, I have a decent social life with other woman in my sphere. So I don't see myself hiding away because of a marriage coming to an end.

I have no shame over the marriage ending - we gave it a good 20 years, and we both acknowledge that we have a lot of REALLY fond memories (and inside family jokes galore) that we will continue to share with each other. But when I look at myself 8-10 years down the road, when the kids are out of college and/or on their own, I don't see myself being married again. And I'm not depressed at that idea - I think it's a perfectly reasonable outlook for anyone to have.

I'm not anti-relationship, I just think I would be content being single going forward. That could change, but right now, that's what I see (and it doesn't bother me).
ResignedWife is offline  
post #15 of 106 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 08:30 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southeast
Posts: 4,293
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

I agree.

I married young and was in a very long marriage. I love being single. The freedom is wonderful. No way I'd give that up.
Openminded is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
future wife keep saying she hurt after sex, at a loss for ways to fix, please help da86 Sex in Marriage 26 02-17-2017 01:58 PM
Ways to improve yourself without destroying others techmom General Relationship Discussion 24 09-22-2016 07:05 AM
Ways to make my husband more open-minded when it comes to sex? MrsAldi Sex in Marriage 119 05-18-2016 04:00 PM
Stupidest Ways you have been injured? hbk4894 The Social Spot 30 03-07-2016 02:17 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome