One last try before I give up... - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 36 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 01:19 PM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

Uh, dump him. Find a man that will love your child as his own and want to have more kids with you. There are plenty of good men out there that will do this. Your boyfriend is a LOSER.

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post #17 of 36 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 01:28 PM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

I would ask you this: Is this the type of man you want your son to grow into? If so, stay with him and your son will be the same way. Your son should see that relationships are two people working together, part of the same team. As your son gets older his father's rejection will become obvious to him, which will cause a host of self-esteem issues when he refuses to take part in his life. Get out now while he is young enough to not realize what is going on. Trust me on this- the low self-esteem that comes from a parent not wanting you lasts a lifetime.
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post #18 of 36 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 05:33 PM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

Honey, he doesn't love you and he won't change. You're wasting your time and energy on a dud. You could redirect that energy toward doing something good for someone who loves you, like your son.

It's really sad to know your boyfriend just doesn't care, but this is just the way he is.

Do you have family or friends - someone trusted you can reach out to?

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #19 of 36 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 08:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: One last try before I give up...

You're right, it's not the kind of man I want my son to grow into. I think about that a lot... As long as we are together, he won't be around his dad often. If we break up, his dad could have 50/50 custody. I hate the thought of him having my son half the time. Previously when it came up, he said he would fight for custody. We weren't fighting or anything, it just came up in conversation somehow. I feel like my son is better off with us together so that I'm the main parent. I also don't want my son to see that relationship growing up and again, turn out like that... If his dad went into a new relationship he'd still see it - unless he's just this way to me.

I don't have family to turn to. My mom was killed, my dad's in jail (put two and two together), my mom's parents are in care homes, I don't have any contact with my dads side now, my mom was adopted and had no siblings, I have no siblings. In terms of family, I'm alone. Due to moving often, my close friend count is 0. If I leave I'm totally on my own.

This city is too expensive to live in alone, so we'd both have to move. He would most likely go to his parents for now, which is 1.5 hours north. I'd have to move 1.5 hours south for the cheapest city that is still close to my university and work. So we're looking at a long commute for exchanges. My son's daycare is here and it sounds stupid but he absolutely loves it and thrives there. It took a long time to find one that was this great.

We are renting, and we have to give our landlord 60 days notice before we leave. So what, we live together hating each other for 2 months? We share a car right now, because we could only get one parking space. It's his car so I'd have to buy a new one. All of our belongings, we have to decide who gets what.

The logistics of breaking up are what hold me back... not breaking up with him specifically. I feel like I'm just stuck for the next 16 years.
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post #20 of 36 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 08:34 AM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

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Originally Posted by Aurelie View Post

The logistics of breaking up are what hold me back... not breaking up with him specifically. I feel like I'm just stuck for the next 16 years.
This sounds so familiar. When I got married my wife spent everything so before I knew it we had absolutely nothing and she was pregnant. If we got divorced she could conveniently move back with her parents but I had nowhere to go and would be left with nothing. I was told since I had no money I would not be able to see our son unless I could afford a proper two bedroom apartment. So, I was stuck. I had to stay with her. It led to an awful marriage I've been trying to get out of ever since.

I would suggest that you stay together for now but that you save toward being able to leave him and be on your own.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #21 of 36 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 11:49 AM
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Feeling limited by the logistics give you a perfect opportunity to live the 180. Detach from him. Start saving money and make a plan to be on your own that starts today. You start by realizing you are on your own...be on your own. Look at him like a roommate. Don't ask him for anything besides financial support. Start to drive this life with training wheels to see what it will be like once you leave him. That is an empowering thing.

I was in a similar situation with my first husband and it turns out he was a serial adulterer. Didn't know until 6 years and 3 kids into an 11-year marriage. So he was my roommate. I broke away emotionally from him and lived my own life until I could support 3 kids on my own. I never looked back and my kids and I became a unit. When we split they didn't even miss him because they were so used to the 4 of us being together.

Channel your inner strength. Live the 180. You can do it!!!
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post #22 of 36 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 11:58 AM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

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Originally Posted by Aurelie View Post

You're right, it's not the kind of man I want my son to grow into. I think about that a lot... As long as we are together, he won't be around his dad often. If we break up, his dad could have 50/50 custody. I hate the thought of him having my son half the time. Previously when it came up, he said he would fight for custody. We weren't fighting or anything, it just came up in conversation somehow. I feel like my son is better off with us together so that I'm the main parent. I also don't want my son to see that relationship growing up and again, turn out like that... If his dad went into a new relationship he'd still see it - unless he's just this way to me.
He is feeding you bullsh!t, there is no way he will fight you for custody. He didn't want the child to begin with, and will not want to actually have to be responsible for his care on his own. I have a feeling even if you work out visitation, he will eventually drop out of the picture completely. So don't let fear of him fighting hold you back. If he does, you just fight back even harder...after all, you are the MOM, don't take any crap when it comes to your kid.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #23 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 11:57 AM Thread Starter
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We're still in the same place that we were and I'm getting more frustrated than ever. I'm just rambling but I don't know what to do anymore.

I can get my boyfriend to watch a 1 hour show with me once a week and that's considered couple time to him. I don't love him anymore. I don't like him. I've lost my attraction. Our sex life sucks because I'm not into it at all. Financially breaking up and moving apart isn't possible. We have had a bunch of expensive things come up and have limited savings. I'm trying to find a new job so I can work more hours and save more.

He isn't abusive, just pays no attention to me. He has gotten a bit better with our child.

I tried doing a 180 and all it did was push him further away. I don't know how that is supposed to help anything. I hoped he'd realize what he was losing but he didn't.

I've started thinking about other men, looking at them more while I'm out. I got a gym membership and I stopped going because I was being hit on and I don't want to do something stupid.

I don't want to lose time with my child. I don't want another woman being in his life and acting like a mother. I don't trust other people with my son. That's the hardest part of leaving. I feel like I'm giving up half of my son's life for my own happiness, but I won't be happy. I feel like I need to stick it out for the next 16 years and then leave. My boyfriend would go for 50/50 and would get into another relationship.

I just wish I knew what the best choice was. Or better, that he'd smarten up.
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post #24 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 12:33 PM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

The best choice is NOT sticking this misery out for another 16 years. Doing the 180 is for YOU, to help you move forward regardless of what happens with him. This is not a healthy environment for either you or your son, and despite what you think you are NOT giving up half his life for your own happiness. Children deserve a peaceful, loving home and they very much pick up on tension and unhappiness between their parents.

This is no way to live.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #25 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 12:56 PM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

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Originally Posted by Aurelie View Post
I feel like I need to give it one final last-ditch effort. Where I try my absolute hardest to salvage the relationship. It's a huge decision for me and I don't want to feel like I didn't do everything that I could... He won't go to relationship counselling. I try to do things that should/could make him happy and it doesn't help. A few days ago I cleaned the main floor of the house until it was spotless, he came home before I had started upstairs and all he did was complain how messy the bathroom was. If I try and rub his shoulders or back he just asks what I'm doing and pushes me away or tells me to go away. A couple days ago I decided to make a large dinner from scratch (basically equivalent to a Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner). I asked him not to use his phone, and he wouldn't put it down. Then after dinner he just complained how messy the kitchen was. Yeah, it was messy and I suck at cleaning as I cook, but I spent literally all day cooking that meal while trying to take care of our 2 year old. He didn't say thank you or acknowledge it at all. He just complained about the messy kitchen, which he didn't have to touch at all I cleaned it all (he was going to, but after that comment I just wanted him gone).

Yesterday I went out and bought new lingerie, prepped my whole body to look good, went to try and initiate sex and he barely even looked at me. He glanced at me then went back to playing some game with his friend (online, his friend wasn't in the room). The rejection physically hurts. If it was once and a while, whatever. It's not though, it's all the time. When we do have sex it's only on his terms, and it lasts a minute or two. He said we needed to try different things in the bedroom so I initiated that and nope, didn't help.

If I try and talk to him about things that I need him to apologize for he just gets defensive and tells me to get over it. My pregnancy, birth, first year is one of those things. It's a very sore spot for me and he has never acknowledged how crappy he was, just says to get over it. Usually I could, but that I can't. He ruined that time of my life and he ruined any chance of me wanting to do it again.

I want to try and nothing I do works... I feel like there has to be something that I can do. I work from home full time, he works from home most of the time (15 hours out of the house). It's not like we don't have time to be with each other.
If you want to give it one last real try than start treating him the way he's been treating you. Focus on you and the things you enjoy and don't include him. Don't speak to him unless he initiates the conversation and even then just answer his questions and leave it at that. Walk around the house naked or in your underwear and make sure he sees it. If he tries to initiate sex, blow it off and tell him you don't feel like it or something like that. STOP catering to him, let him see that you're just fine by yourself and don't need him.

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post #26 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 05:28 PM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

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I feel like I need to give it one final last-ditch effort. Where I try my absolute hardest to salvage the relationship. It's a huge decision for me and I don't want to feel like I didn't do everything that I could... He won't go to relationship counselling. I try to do things that should/could make him happy and it doesn't help. A few days ago I cleaned the main floor of the house until it was spotless, he came home before I had started upstairs and all he did was complain how messy the bathroom was. If I try and rub his shoulders or back he just asks what I'm doing and pushes me away or tells me to go away. A couple days ago I decided to make a large dinner from scratch (basically equivalent to a Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner). I asked him not to use his phone, and he wouldn't put it down. Then after dinner he just complained how messy the kitchen was. Yeah, it was messy and I suck at cleaning as I cook, but I spent literally all day cooking that meal while trying to take care of our 2 year old. He didn't say thank you or acknowledge it at all. He just complained about the messy kitchen, which he didn't have to touch at all I cleaned it all (he was going to, but after that comment I just wanted him gone).

Yesterday I went out and bought new lingerie, prepped my whole body to look good, went to try and initiate sex and he barely even looked at me. He glanced at me then went back to playing some game with his friend (online, his friend wasn't in the room). The rejection physically hurts. If it was once and a while, whatever. It's not though, it's all the time. When we do have sex it's only on his terms, and it lasts a minute or two. He said we needed to try different things in the bedroom so I initiated that and nope, didn't help.

If I try and talk to him about things that I need him to apologize for he just gets defensive and tells me to get over it. My pregnancy, birth, first year is one of those things. It's a very sore spot for me and he has never acknowledged how crappy he was, just says to get over it. Usually I could, but that I can't. He ruined that time of my life and he ruined any chance of me wanting to do it again.

I want to try and nothing I do works... I feel like there has to be something that I can do. I work from home full time, he works from home most of the time (15 hours out of the house). It's not like we don't have time to be with each other.

The problem is that nothing you did made him this way, so nothing you can do will change him into an involved, caring and loving husband and father.

He did not want to be a parent, is not father material and does not have the DNA in him to be a nurturing, loving father or a good coparent with you.

He was a fun, sexy Saturday night date and was good in bed. But that does not make him husband and father material.

I don't want to make this into a Pro Life vs Pro Choice debate, but we have to keep in mind the cold, hard truth - he wanted your child dead.

There is no hope here for him to be a decent parent. There is nothing you can do because there is nothing you did that made him this way. It is out of your control.

What is in your control is the kind of life you can make for yourself and your child without him in it.
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post #27 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 05:57 PM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

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Originally Posted by Aurelie View Post
We're still in the same place that we were and I'm getting more frustrated than ever. I'm just rambling but I don't know what to do anymore.

I can get my boyfriend to watch a 1 hour show with me once a week and that's considered couple time to him. I don't love him anymore. I don't like him. I've lost my attraction. Our sex life sucks because I'm not into it at all. Financially breaking up and moving apart isn't possible. We have had a bunch of expensive things come up and have limited savings. I'm trying to find a new job so I can work more hours and save more.

He isn't abusive, just pays no attention to me. He has gotten a bit better with our child.

I tried doing a 180 and all it did was push him further away. I don't know how that is supposed to help anything. I hoped he'd realize what he was losing but he didn't.

I've started thinking about other men, looking at them more while I'm out. I got a gym membership and I stopped going because I was being hit on and I don't want to do something stupid.

I don't want to lose time with my child. I don't want another woman being in his life and acting like a mother. I don't trust other people with my son. That's the hardest part of leaving. I feel like I'm giving up half of my son's life for my own happiness, but I won't be happy. I feel like I need to stick it out for the next 16 years and then leave. My boyfriend would go for 50/50 and would get into another relationship.

I just wish I knew what the best choice was. Or better, that he'd smarten up.
He isn't going to realize what he is losing because he never wanted a home and family and children to begin with.

He will also not "smarten up" because this is not a issue of intellect, intelligence or smarts. It is an issue of investment. He is simply not invested in you, your son or your home and family life.

When you first announce leaving, he may initially say he wants 50/50 custody, but that is just so he won't have to pay child support. He will not last a weekend of custodial care and will be glad to hand him back over to you.

Remember, he wanted your son to die so I do not believe he will put up much of a fight for custody.

Your best course of action here initially is to meet with a family law attorney and find out what your rights and responsibilities in this situation are.

Normally I would advise seeking child support but with child support comes obligated contact and access to the child. Given your BF's total lack of investment in fatherhood and child rearing, I would fear for the well being and even safety of the child in his care.

If he was offered the opportunity to walk away scot-free in exchange for relinquishing his parental rights, he will probably go for it.

That will place more financial burden on you so you may need to look into moving back in with your parents or friends or relatives or something, but it will be worth the peace of mind and sanity of taking care of your own business.
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post #28 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 08:51 PM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

He said that he would go for 50% custody. But he spends no time with your child and does nothing to help.

So I rather doubt that he will really go for 50% custody. He's have to actually move a finger and take care of his own child if he did that.

In your current situation, your child is learning that he is not a valued person. He's learning that he does not deserve his father's love. And your husband tells him that every moment that he ignores your child. That's a form of emotional abuse and you are helping your husband treat you son this way. You are allowing your son to be mistreated.

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post #29 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 09:21 PM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

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. My boyfriend would go for 50/50 and would get into another relationship.
Having 50/50 custody would really put a damper on him picking up chicks or getting another GF.

He is not going to want any kind of custody.

Stop thinking that he has a paternal cell in his body.

You are projecting your own parental drives onto him.

Accept that he has none.
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post #30 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-23-2017, 06:02 AM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

Nothing has changed. I don't know how much harder you can try, considering you've already tried your hardest and you consistently keep getting shot down.

He not only doesn't love you, he doesn't even like you.
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