One last try before I give up... - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #16 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 01:19 PM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

Uh, dump him. Find a man that will love your child as his own and want to have more kids with you. There are plenty of good men out there that will do this. Your boyfriend is a LOSER.

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post #17 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 01:28 PM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

I would ask you this: Is this the type of man you want your son to grow into? If so, stay with him and your son will be the same way. Your son should see that relationships are two people working together, part of the same team. As your son gets older his father's rejection will become obvious to him, which will cause a host of self-esteem issues when he refuses to take part in his life. Get out now while he is young enough to not realize what is going on. Trust me on this- the low self-esteem that comes from a parent not wanting you lasts a lifetime.
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post #18 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 05:33 PM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

Honey, he doesn't love you and he won't change. You're wasting your time and energy on a dud. You could redirect that energy toward doing something good for someone who loves you, like your son.

It's really sad to know your boyfriend just doesn't care, but this is just the way he is.

Do you have family or friends - someone trusted you can reach out to?

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #19 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 08:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: One last try before I give up...

You're right, it's not the kind of man I want my son to grow into. I think about that a lot... As long as we are together, he won't be around his dad often. If we break up, his dad could have 50/50 custody. I hate the thought of him having my son half the time. Previously when it came up, he said he would fight for custody. We weren't fighting or anything, it just came up in conversation somehow. I feel like my son is better off with us together so that I'm the main parent. I also don't want my son to see that relationship growing up and again, turn out like that... If his dad went into a new relationship he'd still see it - unless he's just this way to me.

I don't have family to turn to. My mom was killed, my dad's in jail (put two and two together), my mom's parents are in care homes, I don't have any contact with my dads side now, my mom was adopted and had no siblings, I have no siblings. In terms of family, I'm alone. Due to moving often, my close friend count is 0. If I leave I'm totally on my own.

This city is too expensive to live in alone, so we'd both have to move. He would most likely go to his parents for now, which is 1.5 hours north. I'd have to move 1.5 hours south for the cheapest city that is still close to my university and work. So we're looking at a long commute for exchanges. My son's daycare is here and it sounds stupid but he absolutely loves it and thrives there. It took a long time to find one that was this great.

We are renting, and we have to give our landlord 60 days notice before we leave. So what, we live together hating each other for 2 months? We share a car right now, because we could only get one parking space. It's his car so I'd have to buy a new one. All of our belongings, we have to decide who gets what.

The logistics of breaking up are what hold me back... not breaking up with him specifically. I feel like I'm just stuck for the next 16 years.
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post #20 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 08:34 AM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

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Originally Posted by Aurelie View Post

The logistics of breaking up are what hold me back... not breaking up with him specifically. I feel like I'm just stuck for the next 16 years.
This sounds so familiar. When I got married my wife spent everything so before I knew it we had absolutely nothing and she was pregnant. If we got divorced she could conveniently move back with her parents but I had nowhere to go and would be left with nothing. I was told since I had no money I would not be able to see our son unless I could afford a proper two bedroom apartment. So, I was stuck. I had to stay with her. It led to an awful marriage I've been trying to get out of ever since.

I would suggest that you stay together for now but that you save toward being able to leave him and be on your own.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #21 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 11:49 AM
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Feeling limited by the logistics give you a perfect opportunity to live the 180. Detach from him. Start saving money and make a plan to be on your own that starts today. You start by realizing you are on your own...be on your own. Look at him like a roommate. Don't ask him for anything besides financial support. Start to drive this life with training wheels to see what it will be like once you leave him. That is an empowering thing.

I was in a similar situation with my first husband and it turns out he was a serial adulterer. Didn't know until 6 years and 3 kids into an 11-year marriage. So he was my roommate. I broke away emotionally from him and lived my own life until I could support 3 kids on my own. I never looked back and my kids and I became a unit. When we split they didn't even miss him because they were so used to the 4 of us being together.

Channel your inner strength. Live the 180. You can do it!!!
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post #22 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 11:58 AM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aurelie View Post

You're right, it's not the kind of man I want my son to grow into. I think about that a lot... As long as we are together, he won't be around his dad often. If we break up, his dad could have 50/50 custody. I hate the thought of him having my son half the time. Previously when it came up, he said he would fight for custody. We weren't fighting or anything, it just came up in conversation somehow. I feel like my son is better off with us together so that I'm the main parent. I also don't want my son to see that relationship growing up and again, turn out like that... If his dad went into a new relationship he'd still see it - unless he's just this way to me.
He is feeding you bullsh!t, there is no way he will fight you for custody. He didn't want the child to begin with, and will not want to actually have to be responsible for his care on his own. I have a feeling even if you work out visitation, he will eventually drop out of the picture completely. So don't let fear of him fighting hold you back. If he does, you just fight back even harder...after all, you are the MOM, don't take any crap when it comes to your kid.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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