One last try before I give up... - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #1 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 08:18 PM Thread Starter
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One last try before I give up...

For starters, we aren't married but I figured this is the best place to post since he's never going to marry me anyway...

We have been together for 5 years. I'm 24 and he's 29. We have a 2.5 year old son together. Our relationship was perfect for the first 2 years. We never fought, literally never. We were very happy, we moved in together 18 months into the relationship. Then there was an unplanned pregnancy and everything went downhill.

I became pregnant 2 years into the relationship. I was on birth control and used it properly but it failed. My BF wanted me to have an abortion, but that wasn't something that I was comfortable doing (especially because I didn't find out I was pregnant until 16 weeks). That's when he changed, and since then I have only seen glimpses of the man I fell in love with.

He didn't want anything to do with my pregnancy. He didn't want to go to appointments, didn't want to feel the baby move, didn't want to talk about baby names, didn't read anything I wanted him to read, didn't want to do a 3D/4D ultrasound or maternity pictures. Towards the end of my pregnancy my back, hands and feet were extremely painful, rubbing them helped and he would never do that for me. Everyone said it would get better when the baby was here...

I had a long labour, 5 days of non-stop contractions. I laboured at home most of the time and even though he was home the entire time, he wouldn't spend that time with me. I begged him to and all he wanted to do was play video games. When I was finally admitted to the hospital, he slept most of the time I was labouring there (because he didn't sleep at home when I told him too). During the pushing phase he just sat there, I don't think he talked to me or touched me at all though I was in too much pain to remember.

We live in Canada and we were BOTH able to take an entire year off. He was supposed to take that time off to help me and bond with the baby. In reality, he took that time off to play video games. When I was pregnant he told his friends that he would be online more (once the baby came).

He didn't help me at all. He never got up at night, he didn't let me sleep in, he didn't give me a break during the day. I had a really bad tear from the delivery and was in excruciating pain for 12 weeks. I could barely move but he wouldn't help me. I couldn't even pick my son up without crying and ended up just sitting in bed all day everyday so I wouldn't have to move as much (which led to co-sleeping). I breastfed (still am) so there wasn't as much that he could do, but he could have at least given me the baby so I didn't have to hurt as much, or done the diaper. We both took a year off work... there was no excuse. The first day home from the hospital he wouldn't even make dinner.

Everyone said it would get better when the newborn phase was over, then when the baby phase was over, now when the toddler phase is over. It's always suppose to get better but it's not. At least not enough.

Our intimacy went out the window after my son was born. We stopped kissing, stopped cuddling, sex was off the table for almost a year because of my pain, we stopped saying I love you. My son is 2.5 and we've never got that back. It's a little bit better than it was, in the sense that I don't totally loathe him.

He doesn't spend enough time with us, and doesn't care or listen. I have to beg him to spend time with us, when he does he is glued to his phone or the TV. We can never have a real conversation. He doesn't get down on the floor and play with our son, he sits on the couch. He doesn't care about intimacy. We never go on dates and he doesn't want to.

I recently gave it my all. I did everything right, tried to step up my game and intimacy. It worked for a couple weeks, then went back to our new normal.

I can't live like this forever... He isn't who I fell in love with and decided to have a chid with. Had I known how much he would change... I may have made a different choice. I want to feel loved and respected. I want to be able to have intimacy with my partner.

Do I give it one last try before moving on totally? How do I do it? Am I overreacting, does it really get better in time?

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post #2 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 08:48 PM
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Cool Re: One last try before I give up...

Unless there is a miraculous 11th hour change on his part, which I seriously doubt, I think that his true colors have been truly revealed to you! He has shown that he neither loves nor respects you!

Time to move out and see an attorney in getting child support from him for that precious child of yours!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #3 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 11:40 PM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

He doesn't want to be a parent and he resents you for not getting an abortion.

He's repeatedly shown you who he is. Believe him.

Time to move on.
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post #4 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 05:21 AM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

A man's actions tell you all you need to know.

He doesn't care about you.
He doesn't care about your child.
He doesn't care about being a husband or father.
He doesn't care about growing up.

He does care about himself.
He does care about video games.
He does care about his phone.

I'm sorry you had to deal with so many difficult and wonderful things alone.

You should just leave this man-child. It's obviously what he wants, anyway.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #5 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 08:39 AM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

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He doesn't want to be a parent and he resents you for not getting an abortion.

He's repeatedly shown you who he is. Believe him.

Time to move on.
There's nothing more to be said than this.

You traded your boyfriend for your child.
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post #6 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 08:40 AM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

He doesn't spend enough time with us, and doesn't care or listen. I have to beg him to spend time with us, when he does he is glued to his phone or the TV. We can never have a real conversation. He doesn't get down on the floor and play with our son, he sits on the couch. He doesn't care about intimacy. We never go on dates and he doesn't want to.


I think you should give him exactly what he wants. Leave him, which is what you should have done when you were pregnant.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #7 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 09:49 AM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

You need to dump this selfish jerk and be glad you didn't marry him. Make sure he is ordered to pay support.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #8 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 10:06 AM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

what you have described is a prototypical description of the 'man-boy'.

a 13 year old boy in an adult man's body. although on second thought, that's not giving enough credit to most 13 year old boys.

unless he grows up in a big way, he is destined to live a selfish, mostly useless life.
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post #9 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: One last try before I give up...

I feel like I need to give it one final last-ditch effort. Where I try my absolute hardest to salvage the relationship. It's a huge decision for me and I don't want to feel like I didn't do everything that I could... He won't go to relationship counselling. I try to do things that should/could make him happy and it doesn't help. A few days ago I cleaned the main floor of the house until it was spotless, he came home before I had started upstairs and all he did was complain how messy the bathroom was. If I try and rub his shoulders or back he just asks what I'm doing and pushes me away or tells me to go away. A couple days ago I decided to make a large dinner from scratch (basically equivalent to a Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner). I asked him not to use his phone, and he wouldn't put it down. Then after dinner he just complained how messy the kitchen was. Yeah, it was messy and I suck at cleaning as I cook, but I spent literally all day cooking that meal while trying to take care of our 2 year old. He didn't say thank you or acknowledge it at all. He just complained about the messy kitchen, which he didn't have to touch at all I cleaned it all (he was going to, but after that comment I just wanted him gone).

Yesterday I went out and bought new lingerie, prepped my whole body to look good, went to try and initiate sex and he barely even looked at me. He glanced at me then went back to playing some game with his friend (online, his friend wasn't in the room). The rejection physically hurts. If it was once and a while, whatever. It's not though, it's all the time. When we do have sex it's only on his terms, and it lasts a minute or two. He said we needed to try different things in the bedroom so I initiated that and nope, didn't help.

If I try and talk to him about things that I need him to apologize for he just gets defensive and tells me to get over it. My pregnancy, birth, first year is one of those things. It's a very sore spot for me and he has never acknowledged how crappy he was, just says to get over it. Usually I could, but that I can't. He ruined that time of my life and he ruined any chance of me wanting to do it again.

I want to try and nothing I do works... I feel like there has to be something that I can do. I work from home full time, he works from home most of the time (15 hours out of the house). It's not like we don't have time to be with each other.
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post #10 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 12:12 PM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

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Originally Posted by Aurelie View Post
I feel like I need to give it one final last-ditch effort. Where I try my absolute hardest to salvage the relationship. It's a huge decision for me and I don't want to feel like I didn't do everything that I could... He won't go to relationship counselling. I try to do things that should/could make him happy and it doesn't help.
The problem isn't you. You're doing everything you can to make it a happy relationship, but he doesn't give a s**t. He's there for HIS convenience. Through his actions, he's telling you that he doesn't want to be in a relationship. So try one last time, if you must, however I think you should be thankful that you're not married, IMO. You deserve better and the sooner you get out of this sorry excuse for a relationship, the sooner you can find someone that can meet your needs.


"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #11 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 12:26 PM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

It's pretty clear this guy didn't want the baby and is probably upset that you got pregnant and his playtime is over. He didn't want the baby, just the sex. I would dump him. He has shown you so much disrespect and it's so unfair to you and your son.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #12 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 12:27 PM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

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There's nothing more to be said than this.

You traded your boyfriend for your child.
The OP got the better end of the deal with picking the child.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #13 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 12:27 PM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

gtfo
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post #14 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 12:29 PM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

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Originally Posted by Aurelie View Post
I feel like I need to give it one final last-ditch effort.
What you posted thus far it appears to me you have giving it your all. Now time to find an attorney to setup child support and a place to live. Even though your BF does not care about you or the child it does not keep him from the responsibility financially.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #15 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 12:31 PM
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Re: One last try before I give up...

Dump the loser gamer and find a man that doesn't live life through video games.
The father of your child is a child mentally, nothing more.


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