From your experience, what's happening here? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 41 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 08:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: From your experience, what's happening here?

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The fact that he isn't motivated to find a counselor is discouraging.

Have you told him that you need him to take on more of a leadership role in your relationship? He complains about you being the dominant one in the relationship, and that's only the situation because he hasn't taken up the mantle of being the leader. (You may not want to say it exactly like that.) He needs to grow up, stop following, and start leading.
I have, which is why I am hesitant to keep reminding/asking him about this particular item..because I am the reminder-er and driver of all things.

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post #17 of 41 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 09:24 AM
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Re: From your experience, what's happening here?

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I have, which is why I am hesitant to keep reminding/asking him about this particular item..because I am the reminder-er and driver of all things.
You know what? Then he can't complain that you're the dominant one in the relationship. It's his own fvcking fault for not taking charge. He just wants to play victim.

Men (people) like this drive me crazy!!! They want to be in charge/dominant, but they are PA and won't make an effort in taking the lead.

Your husband needs to read Married Man Sex Love Primer. The author, Athol Kay, is a total scum-of-the-earth PUA douche canoe, but this book is good, and all men should read it.

ETA: I actually read a great article about how many women find themselves being the reminder-er and driver of all things. It's part of the unrecognized emotional work that women put into their lives and relationships on a daily basis, and which mostly goes unrecognized and unacknowledged by the men in their lives. If I can find it, I'll post it.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #18 of 41 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 11:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: From your experience, what's happening here?

You are my spirit animal.
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post #19 of 41 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 11:30 AM
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Re: From your experience, what's happening here?

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You are my spirit animal.
Me? Shucks! I just hope I can give you some good advice

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #20 of 41 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 09:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: From your experience, what's happening here?

Long day but things are looking up.

Last edited by Zyria; 02-03-2017 at 03:41 AM.
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post #21 of 41 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 07:05 AM
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Re: From your experience, what's happening here?

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You know what? Then he can't complain that you're the dominant one in the relationship. It's his own fvcking fault for not taking charge. He just wants to play victim.

Men (people) like this drive me crazy!!! They want to be in charge/dominant, but they are PA and won't make an effort in taking the lead.

...
YES - and seems like even if they want to end a relationship - they have no backbone, so behave unreasonably, in turn leaving it up to the woman to take the lead and end things.
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post #22 of 41 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 08:45 PM
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Re: From your experience, what's happening here?

do this immediately- somehow he thinks or picked up a vibe you made towards a non repairable moment he is afraid or too ashamed to bring up, it could be perceived due to a negative childhood coping mechanism he has no clue of, or you made too many love bank withdrawals. It really don't matter, Quick fix to get the dialogue going to get into therapy.
Do and say this...I feel we have both been distant. Maybe it is eveying we've been through. I miss our closeness, Can you let me know how I can learn what your are going through so I can support and love you more. Wait for an answer. He may confide in you right way. just listen. you could comment like. Gee I had no idea what pressure you are on. Please share with me so I can love and support you, or just listen because you work hard for us. I miss our closeness very much, I need to connect with you on an emotional level and if I feel good on that level, I am game for anything romance related. I need you. You just validated his manhood, protector, and appreciated buttons. He will smile internally at this. This is important to a man, just as much a woman needs to bond emotionally with their man to have sex.

When men have orgasms, the stronger they are, the more Oxytocin hormone is released in his blood stream that makes it instantaneously have a boding feeling towards you. It is scientifically proven. When his moodiness feels manipulative keep your boundaries, but lovingly ask questions. with I feel. If you use "you did, or You didn't you just closed off the moment for a loving fixable recovery. If you fudge it, ask for his forgiveness to open a door for a loving repair. Slowly you can reconnect where he has more empathy to your needs and moods. He is just closed off right now.

Finally, This is long but if you read further and do below you got a good excellent chance for a better marriage. I learned from below when it was to late. That is why I am so wordy. I want to help before things get bad..

Here it goes...
Hi,

Both of you do this to renew, commit to working on the relationship, sex, romance, communication, therapy by a trained therapist by John Gottman, Ph.D. If you both decide to give it a go do this too. Go to a Dr. John Gottman Ph.D's marriage seminars, listed to Dr. Gottmans Audio CD book called. "what makes love last." Six Audio CD's and appendixes that you both complete to understand your relationship, communication style, trust and betrayal levels that if you do not attune to will ultimately lead to divorce. He can tell up to 75% accuracy who will divorce. This relationship scientist knows beyond scientific fact how to fix marriages to the pre-marital bliss state for the most part for most couples. Read and do all the book work and self and together practice to bet back that spark, or feeling to begin a new in a trust and safe place together.

In Recap
Give a deadline for her to choose to comeback and start loving.
Listen and be supportive, No you did statements to her, If she does them to you stay neutral, say I hear you, then say is there anything else that I need to hear that I had not asked or in-tune to understand. You just opened a door for a pleasing discussion or peace that she feels heard.
See a therapist
Do read, listen, and practice the stuff from the book I mentioned above. It will list everything you both to learn that you had no clue what both of you were doing wrong. Once you start this book you are not going to believe how you both have been sabotaging real intimacy to love where you leave, separate or divorce from the relationship. I am not talking sex her. That is later in the book.

Work on the tips and master them. Your marriage should become what hoped for and dreamed of.
If you are at a point that you feel that there is no chance. It's o.k. Read, listen, and do the exercises because it will only make you wise, relate better, and understand why we treat a stranger better than our spouses.

Good Luck.

David
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post #23 of 41 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 09:27 PM
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Re: From your experience, what's happening here?

You need to do some of the things that he enjoys doing. He may feel trapped and a bit stir crazy.

With an infant in the house this is going to be challenging for a couple of years. Some men get resentful when a baby puts them on the back burner. The baby comes first.

It is not a proper response but is a real and common feeling with new fathers. Tell him when the baby gets older you want to share in his activities, give him hope.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #24 of 41 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 09:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: From your experience, what's happening here?

I do appreciate everyone's posts. Forgive me that I had somehow missed the last two and and now reading your guidance closely.

I've been really trying hard guys....being more intimate and making an effort to do more of the family activities he enjoys. But even though things seem happier and fun, I am still not feeling him really want to be my friend again. I think I may never see a bold action taken on his part to make this work. For example, still no counselor appointment, even after I shared my disappointment about it not being a priority. I think he thinks everything is better because we are physically close. He doesn't know I've called two attorneys.

I'm just really hurt, but want to be careful not to take any legal actions that I know would devastate our family and end in a result I might forever regret.
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post #25 of 41 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 10:56 PM
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Re: From your experience, what's happening here?

It's so difficult when you feel you are the one making all/almost all of the effort to keep things going or to take things forward. Especially if you don't know or understand why the person isn't as enthusiastic as you feel they should be. No easy answers for this though.

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post #26 of 41 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 10:18 AM
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Re: From your experience, what's happening here?

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I do appreciate everyone's posts. Forgive me that I had somehow missed the last two and and now reading your guidance closely.

I've been really trying hard guys....being more intimate and making an effort to do more of the family activities he enjoys. But even though things seem happier and fun, I am still not feeling him really want to be my friend again. I think I may never see a bold action taken on his part to make this work. For example, still no counselor appointment, even after I shared my disappointment about it not being a priority. I think he thinks everything is better because we are physically close. He doesn't know I've called two attorneys.

I'm just really hurt, but want to be careful not to take any legal actions that I know would devastate our family and end in a result I might forever regret.
His lack of reaction makes me wonder if there is indeed someone else. It may be time to start doing a little digging.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #27 of 41 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 10:40 AM
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Re: From your experience, what's happening here?

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YES - and seems like even if they want to end a relationship - they have no backbone, so behave unreasonably, in turn leaving it up to the woman to take the lead and end things.
I have a friend who does this to the women he dates. I love him dearly, and he's one of my closest friends, but I hate this one single thing about him, and we've talked about it, but he sees nothing wrong with it.

When he decides he doesn't want to see a woman anymore, he won't break up with her. He just intentionally changes his behavior and becomes the Worst. Boyfriend. Ever. (TM) so the woman will have no choice except to dump him, so he doesn't have to do it himself. He has received some incredible tongue-lashings and amazing, brutal emails detailing all his horrible behavior and why he's a terrible boyfriend, and it all just... rolls right off his back. Taking all of that, and actually plotting his bad behavior, seems like less of an effort to him than just breaking it off with the woman. It's absolutely mind-boggling, especially because it runs completely counter to the rest of his personality and character. It is completely illogical.

Sorry for the slight threadjack, @Zyria. I just had to share. Back to the regularly scheduled programming.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #28 of 41 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 10:42 AM
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Re: From your experience, what's happening here?

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Originally Posted by Zyria View Post
I do appreciate everyone's posts. Forgive me that I had somehow missed the last two and and now reading your guidance closely.

I've been really trying hard guys....being more intimate and making an effort to do more of the family activities he enjoys. But even though things seem happier and fun, I am still not feeling him really want to be my friend again. I think I may never see a bold action taken on his part to make this work. For example, still no counselor appointment, even after I shared my disappointment about it not being a priority. I think he thinks everything is better because we are physically close. He doesn't know I've called two attorneys.

I'm just really hurt, but want to be careful not to take any legal actions that I know would devastate our family and end in a result I might forever regret.
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Originally Posted by release2016 View Post
It's so difficult when you feel you are the one making all/almost all of the effort to keep things going or to take things forward. Especially if you don't know or understand why the person isn't as enthusiastic as you feel they should be. No easy answers for this though.
@Zyria In order to fix a failing/broken relationship, both people need to want to fix it and be willing to put in the effort. It sounds like he just isn't invested in trying.

How long are you willing to be the only one working at it? No matter how hard you try, you can't drag him along into a healthy relationship. (My MC said that to me about my XH, who was similarly apathetic as your H.)

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #29 of 41 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 05:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: From your experience, what's happening here?

It's been an exhausting 24 hours. To keep it short, he called me and I was terse with him, which is absolutely true I was preoccupied with something else. So then he texted me to tell me that my behaving like that is just one of the reasons why he doesn't like talking to me anymore. And at that point I just told him that I had had enough of hearing all the reasons why he doesn't like me and being the only one working on making changes for the other. I told him I talked to an attorney and that he should be with someone who makes me happy and to stop reminding me that I'm not that person.

He seemed genuinely sad and said that he thought we were doing better. But then it happened....he just said okay and asked what the next steps were. And it was right there that I knew he was never gonna fight for this marriage.

Now I feel like I have no choice I have to go through with it. I'm devastated.
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post #30 of 41 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 08:22 PM
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Re: From your experience, what's happening here?

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It's been an exhausting 24 hours. To keep it short, he called me and I was terse with him, which is absolutely true I was preoccupied with something else. So then he texted me to tell me that my behaving like that is just one of the reasons why he doesn't like talking to me anymore. And at that point I just told him that I had had enough of hearing all the reasons why he doesn't like me and being the only one working on making changes for the other. I told him I talked to an attorney and that he should be with someone who makes me happy and to stop reminding me that I'm not that person.

He seemed genuinely sad and said that he thought we were doing better. But then it happened....he just said okay and asked what the next steps were. And it was right there that I knew he was never gonna fight for this marriage.

Now I feel like I have no choice I have to go through with it. I'm devastated.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry... but you deserve to be with someone who will fight for you and your marriage. And he's not that person. I know it's hard, but it will get better, eventually... and someday, you will say to yourself, why did I wait so long to divorce him? Why did I try so hard and so long for someone who clearly couldn't do the same for me?

He's doing the the thing that my XH did... he's being apathetic and placing all the blame on you to make you miserable, until you get fed up and file yourself. Because he doesn't want to have to be the bad guy, but he doesn't want to do the work to fix the marriage, either.

If the similarities are to be believed, and if this continues in the vein that I think... he's not going to put up a big fight over the divorce. You can use a mediator, and as long as you're fair with him regarding settlement and division of property, he'll likely agree to most anything. A man who is this apathetic about the marriage isn't going to invest all his time and effort with a difficult, litigious divorce, which means if you talk to him about it before he hires an attorney, you can do this peacefully and without a huge financial loss for both of you. And if you can do that, it will be better for both of you in terms of your emotional health, and better for the kids. But I guarantee, you will have to do ALL the legwork. He'll only lift a finger to sign the paperwork, and that's it.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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