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From your experience, what's happening here?

7K views 40 replies 13 participants last post by  FeministInPink 
#1 · (Edited)
Lately I have felt distance in my marriage. DH doesn't seem to want to talk to me, and it's left me feeling lonely in the relationship. He is incredibly cordial and nice, but is not engaging me in any conversation outside of the day-to-day minutia. For not-so quick background, my husband had shared with me some months ago (during this most recent pregnancy) that he wasn't happy. He had a list of things about both myself and himself that he wanted to see changed. Most of the issues he has with me stem from resentment he has built of the years about my having the more dominant personality in the relationship. Being together for so long, he certainly experienced my stubborn and more independent twenties, and now my more reasonable (but certainly not perfect) thirties.

The big problem for me is that he seemed normal and happy, and only after really forcing relationship conversation did I learn my husband was in an unhappy marriage. I didn't think it was perfect either, but this was the first time I started to really see we might not make it. After a lot of tears I really focused on the changes he needed. Be more affectionate, less critical of the small stuff, more cautious to not interject in his parenting moments, etc.

We were doing great for the weeks leading up to the baby, but like a switch it just flipped to being more like roommates. This morning he brought me coffee and kissed me good morning. You would have thought everything was great. Then when I told him I'd like us to talk more and about how I had been feeling, he told me that he isn't sure why he wants to avoid me at times and that he has come to like me less and less over the years. In my mind I'm thinking that what he is telling me feels insurmountable. I don't know how to be close to someone that I know doesn't like me. More than anything it just made me sad.

When he seemed to think I might be overreacting I asked him to just tell me he was committed to working on it. But he wouldn't say it. As I stood there crying, he wouldn't say a single thing to reassure me that he still wanted to try, other than to say if he was leaving he would've left already. Anything more and and he felt that it would be me dictating the terms of our relationship and telling him what to say when.

I am lost on how to read where we are from one day to the next. I can't help but shutdown and go into bit of self-preservation mode. I fear this resentment is incurable no matter what concessions I make. I don't want to be walked out on by surprise. I would rather start preparing myself now. Am I overreacting? Thank you so much for enduring the length of this post.
 
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#2 ·
I'm so sorry your going through this. Your husband is infuriating me when I read about him because he just doesn't seem sure, which is mean and unproductive. He isn't happy, but he doesn't know what he wants so he doesn't have a solution. He just wants to be a grump and do nothing and your suppose to wait around for him to choose you, or not choose you. It's not fair.

If I were you I would prepare for the worst just in case. This is incredibly hard to do, fight for your marriage but detach mentally and emotionally to protect yourself for the "just in case". He NEEDS to give you direction though. He NEEDS to make a decision.... fight for the marriage and see how it goes or throw in the towel. It's not fair to you. Ask him what he wants and expects you to do? Because it's not fair, sit there broken heart waiting for him to choose you? See what he says.

I hope he doesn't drag this on waiting for you to end it with him because he is too scared and too much of a p*ssy to do it.
 
#6 ·
That's what couples therapy is for. You're both focused on protecting yourselves. An independent person can help get past that. But don't settle for a bad therapist - it may take several to find one who can help
I agree--once people no longer feel emotionally safe in their relationship (which neither of you do right now), they start to build walls to protect themselves. Once those go up, it's very hard to bring them down again... but a good therapist can help with that.

You also need a therapist to work on some very problematic communication issues--which is that the two of you are pretty much not communicating at all, especially your husband. His resentment built up over the years because there were things about the relationship that bothered him, and instead of him coming to you and working out those issues, he kept it to himself and it built up and accumulated over time, so now it's this huge thing.

From what little you've posted, I'm guessing that your husband suffers from Nice Guy Syndrome. He didn't want to rock the boat, so he kept his complaints to himself and handed the reins of the relationship over to you. Like a lot of men, he misunderstood the "happy wife, happy life" adage (or he doesn't understand what really makes a woman happy). He voluntarily gave you all the power in the relationship, and now he resents you--for something of his own doing.

If you both want it, I think the marriage can be saved. I don't think either of you is too far gone. BUT it is going to take some real work, he's going to have to be open to seeing his own flaws and make some big changes, and the dynamics of the relationship will likely change. You'll never again have the marriage you had when you were both happy--but if you work at it, you may find something even better.
 
#4 ·
I appreciate your responses very much.

In the time since this post he has come to me and shared a genuine desire to make things work, to better understand my needs and how to make our marriage a priority. With the new baby, work, etc he has it last on the priority list. We have a difference of opinion there, but we each are trying.

I am not at all convinced that the next argument won't dredge up another round of resentment and anger towards me. You would think one of us cheated, had an addiction or something more obvious to overcome. But we don't. I am cautiously optimistic, while continuing to educate myself on all potential outcomes because regardless of recent words, I am ina marriage with someone who doesnt know why he doesn't want to talk to me or spend time with me sometimes. We are both willing to talk to a third party for perspective. Fingers crossed.
 
#5 ·
I'm sorry but your husband sounds done.

Once a person get there, usually there's no going back.

Sure you could try couples counseling and independent counseling, you can force relationship talk and try to do things differently and hope for change.

But the odds are you're just spinning your wheels.

Even in a relationship where there's no obvious reason for problems and the couple is generally on the same page with most everything, sometimes they just grow apart and the feelings fade.

Best thing you can do for yourself is start to seriously consider that this thing isn't going to go the distance and start mentally and physically preparing for it, that way you'll at least feel some semblence of control.

One thing not to do is to continue pestering/begging/crying to him about it because that will only work against you for so many reasons that are beyond the scope of this particular post.
 
#13 ·
...

We were doing great for the weeks leading up to the baby, but like a switch it just flipped to being more like roommates. This morning he brought me coffee and kissed me good morning. You would have thought everything was great. Then when I told him I'd like us to talk more and about how I had been feeling, he told me that he isn't sure why he wants to avoid me at times and that he has come to like me less and less over the years. In my mind I'm thinking that what he is telling me feels insurmountable. I don't know how to be close to someone that I know doesn't like me. More than anything it just made me sad. ...
I so feel for you Zyria - reading this made me well up. He sounds so cold and out of reach. I hope he will open up in MC and also inbetween MC session with you alone at home. Meanwhile, you need to take extra special care of yourself, 180, work towards solving the issues between you but at the same time prepare for the worse and find ways to help yourself become stronger and more positive in case you ultimately end up splitting.
 
#14 ·
Thanks for this. These words help. Things have been going well in the past few days. He has opened up to say he loves me and is committed to working through it. We are getting along well and moving through the daily routines of kids, jobs, pets, etc.

The thing I find strange is that he has not pursued getting a counselor yet (he will need to do it through his employer). Even just to sit down and us pick one. It's sort of like when things are going well the problem disappears..until they inevitably stop going well. As long as his needs are met, it seems like he finds no additional effort is required. That probably reads more selfish or intentional than the actual situation is. He is back to being his more affectionate and approachable self. But to your points, I want to keep pushing for some change in routine or action taken on his part to address the concerns I had about making our relationship a priority..and keep putting energy into improving and preparing myself for all possibilities.
 
#22 ·
do this immediately- somehow he thinks or picked up a vibe you made towards a non repairable moment he is afraid or too ashamed to bring up, it could be perceived due to a negative childhood coping mechanism he has no clue of, or you made too many love bank withdrawals. It really don't matter, Quick fix to get the dialogue going to get into therapy.
Do and say this...I feel we have both been distant. Maybe it is eveying we've been through. I miss our closeness, Can you let me know how I can learn what your are going through so I can support and love you more. Wait for an answer. He may confide in you right way. just listen. you could comment like. Gee I had no idea what pressure you are on. Please share with me so I can love and support you, or just listen because you work hard for us. I miss our closeness very much, I need to connect with you on an emotional level and if I feel good on that level, I am game for anything romance related. I need you. You just validated his manhood, protector, and appreciated buttons. He will smile internally at this. This is important to a man, just as much a woman needs to bond emotionally with their man to have sex.

When men have orgasms, the stronger they are, the more Oxytocin hormone is released in his blood stream that makes it instantaneously have a boding feeling towards you. It is scientifically proven. When his moodiness feels manipulative keep your boundaries, but lovingly ask questions. with I feel. If you use "you did, or You didn't you just closed off the moment for a loving fixable recovery. If you fudge it, ask for his forgiveness to open a door for a loving repair. Slowly you can reconnect where he has more empathy to your needs and moods. He is just closed off right now.

Finally, This is long but if you read further and do below you got a good excellent chance for a better marriage. I learned from below when it was to late. That is why I am so wordy. I want to help before things get bad..

Here it goes...
Hi,

Both of you do this to renew, commit to working on the relationship, sex, romance, communication, therapy by a trained therapist by John Gottman, Ph.D. If you both decide to give it a go do this too. Go to a Dr. John Gottman Ph.D's marriage seminars, listed to Dr. Gottmans Audio CD book called. "what makes love last." Six Audio CD's and appendixes that you both complete to understand your relationship, communication style, trust and betrayal levels that if you do not attune to will ultimately lead to divorce. He can tell up to 75% accuracy who will divorce. This relationship scientist knows beyond scientific fact how to fix marriages to the pre-marital bliss state for the most part for most couples. Read and do all the book work and self and together practice to bet back that spark, or feeling to begin a new in a trust and safe place together.

In Recap
Give a deadline for her to choose to comeback and start loving.
Listen and be supportive, No you did statements to her, If she does them to you stay neutral, say I hear you, then say is there anything else that I need to hear that I had not asked or in-tune to understand. You just opened a door for a pleasing discussion or peace that she feels heard.
See a therapist
Do read, listen, and practice the stuff from the book I mentioned above. It will list everything you both to learn that you had no clue what both of you were doing wrong. Once you start this book you are not going to believe how you both have been sabotaging real intimacy to love where you leave, separate or divorce from the relationship. I am not talking sex her. That is later in the book.

Work on the tips and master them. Your marriage should become what hoped for and dreamed of.
If you are at a point that you feel that there is no chance. It's o.k. Read, listen, and do the exercises because it will only make you wise, relate better, and understand why we treat a stranger better than our spouses.

Good Luck.

David
 
#23 ·
You need to do some of the things that he enjoys doing. He may feel trapped and a bit stir crazy.

With an infant in the house this is going to be challenging for a couple of years. Some men get resentful when a baby puts them on the back burner. The baby comes first.

It is not a proper response but is a real and common feeling with new fathers. Tell him when the baby gets older you want to share in his activities, give him hope.
 
#24 ·
I do appreciate everyone's posts. Forgive me that I had somehow missed the last two and and now reading your guidance closely.

I've been really trying hard guys....being more intimate and making an effort to do more of the family activities he enjoys. But even though things seem happier and fun, I am still not feeling him really want to be my friend again. I think I may never see a bold action taken on his part to make this work. For example, still no counselor appointment, even after I shared my disappointment about it not being a priority. I think he thinks everything is better because we are physically close. He doesn't know I've called two attorneys.

I'm just really hurt, but want to be careful not to take any legal actions that I know would devastate our family and end in a result I might forever regret.
 
#29 ·
It's been an exhausting 24 hours. To keep it short, he called me and I was terse with him, which is absolutely true I was preoccupied with something else. So then he texted me to tell me that my behaving like that is just one of the reasons why he doesn't like talking to me anymore. And at that point I just told him that I had had enough of hearing all the reasons why he doesn't like me and being the only one working on making changes for the other. I told him I talked to an attorney and that he should be with someone who makes me happy and to stop reminding me that I'm not that person.

He seemed genuinely sad and said that he thought we were doing better. But then it happened....he just said okay and asked what the next steps were. And it was right there that I knew he was never gonna fight for this marriage.

Now I feel like I have no choice I have to go through with it. I'm devastated.
 
#30 ·
Oh, honey, I'm sorry... but you deserve to be with someone who will fight for you and your marriage. And he's not that person. I know it's hard, but it will get better, eventually... and someday, you will say to yourself, why did I wait so long to divorce him? Why did I try so hard and so long for someone who clearly couldn't do the same for me?

He's doing the the thing that my XH did... he's being apathetic and placing all the blame on you to make you miserable, until you get fed up and file yourself. Because he doesn't want to have to be the bad guy, but he doesn't want to do the work to fix the marriage, either.

If the similarities are to be believed, and if this continues in the vein that I think... he's not going to put up a big fight over the divorce. You can use a mediator, and as long as you're fair with him regarding settlement and division of property, he'll likely agree to most anything. A man who is this apathetic about the marriage isn't going to invest all his time and effort with a difficult, litigious divorce, which means if you talk to him about it before he hires an attorney, you can do this peacefully and without a huge financial loss for both of you. And if you can do that, it will be better for both of you in terms of your emotional health, and better for the kids. But I guarantee, you will have to do ALL the legwork. He'll only lift a finger to sign the paperwork, and that's it.
 
#31 ·
This is so sad and so hard Zyria, but at least you know where you stand now instead of years and years to come of bending over backwards to try and make things the way they should be, whilst all the time your H is effectively an unknown sabateur.

It's so painful but try and think of it as the beginning of the end of the pain and if you cannot manage to move forward in leaps and bounds, then inch forward, but do keep moving.

I think it's important you take good care of yourself right now so try and eat, drink and exercise right and in turn this should help you to support yourself emotionally. I don't know if you have anyone close you can confide in right now but, especially if not, try and be your own best friend, and do what's right for you. Be kind to yourself, and it's time to be at least somewhat selfish i would say.
 
#38 · (Edited)
Zyria - I understand your wish for your husband to call the counselor. My wife was very resistant when I told her to call. It wasn't until I said "You need to show me you value our marriage by making an appointment" that she called.

I also to an extent understand talking to attorneys. When I found out my wife had talked to counselor about everything BUT the reason she needed to (high school rape), then I told her "Talk about what happened to you or I will file".

I got crabby earlier because you are sending mixed signals to your husband. He's probably very confused right now.

Let me give you something to print out (without editing) and give to your husband,

To whom it may concern:

Your wife is unhappy. You need to show that you value your marriage by calling a counselor and setup counseling for BOTH of you.

Now, this is not a total "Hang the Husband out to dry" meeting. Before this meeting, you need to read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" . Because you probably want nothing more than your wife to be happy, but by always putting her needs, and your kids first, it is affecting how you interact with your wife.

Your wife will have requests for you. Make her be specific. Don't let her say "I wish he would do more housework" or "I wish he would help more with the kids". These are non-specific terms that allow the bar to be ever raised and you won't be doing enough, EVER.

Also, if there are things she does, such as always calls you to pick up items on the way home, yet she never does the same because she is "too busy", then bring it up.

Your wife has lost respect for you, you can't NICE that back. If she never takes a shower with you or never lets you see her naked with the lights on, bring it up.

Mr. to whom it concerns, if you & I were sitting at a bar I would tell you to do the following.

1. Read No More Mr. Nice Guy
2. Knock over that pedestal that your wife is on. Rainbows & Unicorns do not emanate from her arse!
3. Make sure you take care of the kids, take care of yourself.
4. Own your own sh!t. Deal with your issues.
5. Hit the gym, be the best lookin you YOU can be.
6. Read Married Man Sex Life Primer. Google the term sh!t test.
7. Your marriage comes FIRST, before the kids. 18 years from now, the kids will be gone.
8. Take your wife on dates, spend time with her.
9. Hold her accountable. If you bust your arse meeting her needs, and she gives you continual refusal of intimacy, let her know that she has her own sh!t to deal with.

Mr., what do you have to lose? She doesn't respect you now, and is ripe for some POS sleazeball to talk his way into her panties.

Either you will have a better marriage where both of you are happy, OR, you will be in better shape mentally and physically to meet someone new.

Best of luck!


Added - well , my browser wasn't showing the posts where it sounds like this marriage is over. I'll leave posts for anyone that wants to comment.
 
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