Lately I have felt distance in my marriage. DH doesn't seem to want to talk to me, and it's left me feeling lonely in the relationship. He is incredibly cordial and nice, but is not engaging me in any conversation outside of the day-to-day minutia. For not-so quick background, my husband had shared with me some months ago (during this most recent pregnancy) that he wasn't happy. He had a list of things about both myself and himself that he wanted to see changed. Most of the issues he has with me stem from resentment he has built of the years about my having the more dominant personality in the relationship. Being together for so long, he certainly experienced my stubborn and more independent twenties, and now my more reasonable (but certainly not perfect) thirties.
The big problem for me is that he seemed normal and happy, and only after really forcing relationship conversation did I learn my husband was in an unhappy marriage. I didn't think it was perfect either, but this was the first time I started to really see we might not make it. After a lot of tears I really focused on the changes he needed. Be more affectionate, less critical of the small stuff, more cautious to not interject in his parenting moments, etc.
We were doing great for the weeks leading up to the baby, but like a switch it just flipped to being more like roommates. This morning he brought me coffee and kissed me good morning. You would have thought everything was great. Then when I told him I'd like us to talk more and about how I had been feeling, he told me that he isn't sure why he wants to avoid me at times and that he has come to like me less and less over the years. In my mind I'm thinking that what he is telling me feels insurmountable. I don't know how to be close to someone that I know doesn't like me. More than anything it just made me sad.
When he seemed to think I might be overreacting I asked him to just tell me he was committed to working on it. But he wouldn't say it. As I stood there crying, he wouldn't say a single thing to reassure me that he still wanted to try, other than to say if he was leaving he would've left already. Anything more and and he felt that it would be me dictating the terms of our relationship and telling him what to say when.
I am lost on how to read where we are from one day to the next. I can't help but shutdown and go into bit of self-preservation mode. I fear this resentment is incurable no matter what concessions I make. I don't want to be walked out on by surprise. I would rather start preparing myself now. Am I overreacting? Thank you so much for enduring the length of this post.
The big problem for me is that he seemed normal and happy, and only after really forcing relationship conversation did I learn my husband was in an unhappy marriage. I didn't think it was perfect either, but this was the first time I started to really see we might not make it. After a lot of tears I really focused on the changes he needed. Be more affectionate, less critical of the small stuff, more cautious to not interject in his parenting moments, etc.
We were doing great for the weeks leading up to the baby, but like a switch it just flipped to being more like roommates. This morning he brought me coffee and kissed me good morning. You would have thought everything was great. Then when I told him I'd like us to talk more and about how I had been feeling, he told me that he isn't sure why he wants to avoid me at times and that he has come to like me less and less over the years. In my mind I'm thinking that what he is telling me feels insurmountable. I don't know how to be close to someone that I know doesn't like me. More than anything it just made me sad.
When he seemed to think I might be overreacting I asked him to just tell me he was committed to working on it. But he wouldn't say it. As I stood there crying, he wouldn't say a single thing to reassure me that he still wanted to try, other than to say if he was leaving he would've left already. Anything more and and he felt that it would be me dictating the terms of our relationship and telling him what to say when.
I am lost on how to read where we are from one day to the next. I can't help but shutdown and go into bit of self-preservation mode. I fear this resentment is incurable no matter what concessions I make. I don't want to be walked out on by surprise. I would rather start preparing myself now. Am I overreacting? Thank you so much for enduring the length of this post.