Violent Behavior: Grounds for Divorce? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 11:59 AM Thread Starter
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Violent Behavior: Grounds for Divorce?

My husband and I have only been married since August. We had a very short courtship (7 months) before we got married. This reason for this was primarily because he is not a U.S. Citizen so for us to be together for any extended period of time; we needed to get married and begin the immigration process for him to live in the U.S.A. Granted, we were madly in love and wanted to get married regardless.

Prior to getting married; we'd had a few small arguments but nothing out of the ordinary. There were two incidents in which he shouted at me to "Shut the f*ck up" which I told him was completely unacceptable and not the way couples should speak to each other. Since getting married, he has had to return to Northern Ireland while we wait for the immigration process to be complete. During the time that he has been away, I have caught him lying to me a couple times and have had some concerns about him drinking too much - nothing a marriage can't survive and I was confident that we could work through it.

On December 30th he came to visit for 3 weeks. One week into his stay; he told me that he had smoked pot while he was back home. This is an issue for me because I don't do drugs and certainly don't want my husband doing drugs. In addition; part of the immigration process is that he submit to a medical exam including a drug test and if he were to test positive for drugs, our application could be denied. I did not want to argue while he was here visiting so, I very calmly, told him that this upset me and that he was making it really hard for me to trust him. I went to bed. He stayed up, drinking. We never argued. We didn't fight. I had closed and locked the bedroom door to avoid this from happening. Well, he didn't like that very much and after about two to three minutes of him knocking on the bedroom door and asking me to talk to him (I didn't reply at all, didn't say a word); he punched the bedroom door, leaving a fist-sized hole in it. This turned into a complete nightmare. My 21 year old son lives with me. When he heard the sound of my husband hitting the bedroom door, he told him he had to leave, my husband refused (he was extremely drunk at this point) and we had to call the police to have him taken out of the house. After 2 days of my husband staying in a hotel, his family begging and pleading with me to allow him back into the house and my husband promising hundreds of times to never act like that again, my son and I agreed to allow him back in the house.

About 2 weeks later, the night before he was supposed to fly back to Northern Ireland, we had a good evening, watching movies, dinner, etc. It got late and I went to bed. Again, he stayed up, drinking. I was scared that he would repeat old behavior so I went into the living room and asked him "You're not going to stay up all night drinking are you"? He said "No, I'm not". I said "So since you are leaving tomorrow and won't need it, I'm going to get rid of the rest of the beer" and began to gather the 6 or so bottles of beer he still had left to dump them down the sink. Well, he didn't like that very much and came into the kitchen, grabbing at my arms and hands to try to get the beer, he cornered me between the refrigerator and the wall, demanding I give him the beer. I got passed him and as I was dumping the beer down the sink, he continued to reach across me, pushing me and grabbing my arms. When I talked to him about this the next morning, his only response to me was "You were acting like an idiot". I took him to the airport and he is now back in Northern Ireland.

As of right now, I'm 90% sure that I am going to file for divorce. His behavior is indicative of the beginning of domestic violence and from what I've learned; will almost certainly escalate. This is a heavy decision for me because of all the time, effort and money we have put into the immigration process. If I do file for divorce, our immigration case is cancelled and re-applying can be extremely cumbersome so I need to 100% sure that this marriage is not capable of saving.

Is my husband's behavior grounds for divorce?

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post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 12:26 PM
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Yes. But you know this already. He is an abusive drunk and your poor son has to now, as a man, stand and defend his mom against it. Hit repeat on the days you just described....that will be your life. Get rid of him.
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post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 12:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Violent Behavior: Grounds for Divorce?

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Yes. But you know this already. He is an abusive drunk and your poor son has to now, as a man, stand and defend his mom against it. Hit repeat on the days you just described....that will be your life. Get rid of him.
The absolute worst part about that entire evening was seeing my son involved. Oh my gosh, it broke my heart! You are right, and exactly what I've been thinking...it's not just me that I have to take into consideration here. I can't allow this type of behavior in my home and in my family's life. Thank you.
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post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 12:36 PM
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Re: Violent Behavior: Grounds for Divorce?

Ugh...

Bad choice to marry this guy.

Staying with him would be an even worse choice.

He is damn lucky I'm not your son.

I would have called the police but they would have had to scrape him off the floor with a dust pan by the time I was through with him.

Attacking and terrorizing women isn't exactly endearing behavior.
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post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 12:50 PM
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Re: Violent Behavior: Grounds for Divorce?

So he is a violent drunk and you want to control him like a child. Doesn't sounds like a good match to me.
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post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 12:56 PM
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Re: Violent Behavior: Grounds for Divorce?

Violent behavior is absolutely a valid reason for divorce. And yes, you should divorce him.
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post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 02:11 PM
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Re: Violent Behavior: Grounds for Divorce?

Please don't subject your son to this. At some point he will likely feel he needs to physically protect you in whatever way that takes and he could end up in jail. Or worse.

Get a divorce and move on. And next time it would be a good idea to have a long courtship with someone who lives nearby. Fewer surprises that way.
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post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 02:54 PM
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Re: Violent Behavior: Grounds for Divorce?

I do know that Irish lads love there booze, and it is accepted and encouraged in Ireland to drink. Smoking pot in my eyes isn't harmful to anyone in my opinion, it makes you happy, relaxed and gives you the craving for food. Id encourage smoking pot over drinking any day. He is an alcoholic and has anger issues when he drinks obviously, so that needs to be addressed to him.
Is he willing to quit drinking for you is the first step here ? If he stopped using booze how do you picture your relationship with him?

hope this was helpful
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post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 05:21 PM
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Re: Violent Behavior: Grounds for Divorce?

+1 for divorcing as quickly as possible and never looking back. You are strong. You can do this and you know you need to.
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post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 06:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Violent Behavior: Grounds for Divorce?

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I do know that Irish lads love there booze, and it is accepted and encouraged in Ireland to drink. Smoking pot in my eyes isn't harmful to anyone in my opinion, it makes you happy, relaxed and gives you the craving for food. Id encourage smoking pot over drinking any day. He is an alcoholic and has anger issues when he drinks obviously, so that needs to be addressed to him.
Is he willing to quit drinking for you is the first step here ? If he stopped using booze how do you picture your relationship with him?

hope this was helpful
I have asked him to quit drinking before and he refuses. He will not acknowledge that he has any issues with alcohol. I honestly believe that if he quit drinking there would be no further problems but he won't quit drinking and thinks I'm insane for even asking him to quit (you're right..it's a big culture difference).

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post #11 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 06:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Violent Behavior: Grounds for Divorce?

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+1 for divorcing as quickly as possible and never looking back. You are strong. You can do this and you know you need to.
Thank you. I've been getting some judgement about not waiting long enough to marry him, etc so it's nice to get a little bit of encouragement.
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post #12 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 06:34 PM
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Cool Re: Violent Behavior: Grounds for Divorce?

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Originally Posted by Araya View Post
My husband and I have only been married since August. We had a very short courtship (7 months) before we got married. This reason for this was primarily because he is not a U.S. Citizen so for us to be together for any extended period of time; we needed to get married and begin the immigration process for him to live in the U.S.A. Granted, we were madly in love and wanted to get married regardless.

Prior to getting married; we'd had a few small arguments but nothing out of the ordinary. There were two incidents in which he shouted at me to "Shut the f*ck up" which I told him was completely unacceptable and not the way couples should speak to each other. Since getting married, he has had to return to Northern Ireland while we wait for the immigration process to be complete. During the time that he has been away, I have caught him lying to me a couple times and have had some concerns about him drinking too much - nothing a marriage can't survive and I was confident that we could work through it.

On December 30th he came to visit for 3 weeks. One week into his stay; he told me that he had smoked pot while he was back home. This is an issue for me because I don't do drugs and certainly don't want my husband doing drugs. In addition; part of the immigration process is that he submit to a medical exam including a drug test and if he were to test positive for drugs, our application could be denied. I did not want to argue while he was here visiting so, I very calmly, told him that this upset me and that he was making it really hard for me to trust him. I went to bed. He stayed up, drinking. We never argued. We didn't fight. I had closed and locked the bedroom door to avoid this from happening. Well, he didn't like that very much and after about two to three minutes of him knocking on the bedroom door and asking me to talk to him (I didn't reply at all, didn't say a word); he punched the bedroom door, leaving a fist-sized hole in it. This turned into a complete nightmare. My 21 year old son lives with me. When he heard the sound of my husband hitting the bedroom door, he told him he had to leave, my husband refused (he was extremely drunk at this point) and we had to call the police to have him taken out of the house. After 2 days of my husband staying in a hotel, his family begging and pleading with me to allow him back into the house and my husband promising hundreds of times to never act like that again, my son and I agreed to allow him back in the house.

About 2 weeks later, the night before he was supposed to fly back to Northern Ireland, we had a good evening, watching movies, dinner, etc. It got late and I went to bed. Again, he stayed up, drinking. I was scared that he would repeat old behavior so I went into the living room and asked him "You're not going to stay up all night drinking are you"? He said "No, I'm not". I said "So since you are leaving tomorrow and won't need it, I'm going to get rid of the rest of the beer" and began to gather the 6 or so bottles of beer he still had left to dump them down the sink. Well, he didn't like that very much and came into the kitchen, grabbing at my arms and hands to try to get the beer, he cornered me between the refrigerator and the wall, demanding I give him the beer. I got passed him and as I was dumping the beer down the sink, he continued to reach across me, pushing me and grabbing my arms. When I talked to him about this the next morning, his only response to me was "You were acting like an idiot". I took him to the airport and he is now back in Northern Ireland.

As of right now, I'm 90% sure that I am going to file for divorce. His behavior is indicative of the beginning of domestic violence and from what I've learned; will almost certainly escalate. This is a heavy decision for me because of all the time, effort and money we have put into the immigration process. If I do file for divorce, our immigration case is cancelled and re-applying can be extremely cumbersome so I need to 100% sure that this marriage is not capable of saving.

Is my husband's behavior grounds for divorce?
Yes! It's called "mental cruelty!"

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post #13 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 06:46 PM
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Re: Violent Behavior: Grounds for Divorce?

Get an annulment, don't ever let him back in your home. Don't trust him even if he swears he will stop drinking, why take the chance.
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post #14 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 07:16 PM
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Re: Violent Behavior: Grounds for Divorce?

Tell him to quit alcohol or stay in Ireland. Sorry, but he's a violent drunk. He simply should not drink, especially when he has shown that he can't do it responsibly.
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post #15 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 11:33 PM
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Yep, divorce him. This sounds like a bizarre relationship. Did you two have sex or any intimacy during his 3 week visit?
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