Therapy, finally - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 10:13 AM Thread Starter
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Therapy, finally

So, this is the week that I finally have the appointment with the therapist to talk about my marital issues. I'm looking forward to it, and scared sh*tless at the same time. This past weekend, I talked to one of our mutual friends who knows both of us quite well. she agreed that we got married WAY to fast, and that H has issues with communicating (I do too), and that he really doesn't know himself. Mutual friend suggested that I go to counseling on my own first, then bring him into marital counseling, even if only to break the news that this isn't working out for me and that we will need to separate. I don't know how this is going to work, because the therapist I chose doesn't do couples counseling. I chose her for my needs; I guess I should've looked for someone who could talk to us both as well. But, being that I'm about 80-90% checked out, and wouldn't know how to tell him that this was a mistake and it isn't working out, I think that doing it in a calm zone of a therapist's office in time would probably be beneficial. This weekend was one of our scheduled sex nights (I know, how romantic), and I've gotten to the point where I have to close my eyes and go to my happy place just to get through it. How horrible is that.

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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Therapy, finally

At this time, I've had 2 appointments with my therapist, and she's said that I don't need to come back unless there's something pressing that I need to address. She's given me the name of a couples counsellor in her office, and I asked H about going with me; he's on board. It was also suggested that we should both be reading the book, "Feeling Good Together", then come together after certain stopping points to talk, which H said alright to as well. I'm not sure if this will actually happen, as he's more into reading non-fiction in his downtime, and has never looked up a book recommendation from me; he goes to his Mom for that.

Communication and intimacy were the last 2 things the therapist and I talked about. She wants us to work on communicating as equals instead of us right fighting, getting defensive, and him telling me that my tone/words/opinions are wrong, and I'm to practice being more open. As to the intimacy, this is something that bugs both H and I, but nothing has changed since we talked about our results of that marriage satisfaction survey. We attempted at our scheduled time this week, but his arms got too sore, and he was too out of breath, so we stopped. We were supposed to pick it back up yesterday, but H was too busy doing computer work. I haven't gained any interest in doing this with him, so I still can't get to the point of initiating, and still supplement with solo time. I have a feeling that he's losing interest too. I don't know.

I'm glad that H is willing to do the couple's therapy with me, but I still feel do damn checked out. I'm willing to work on the communication, but I don't know if I'll ever feel differently about the intimacy. I would be happier in a sexless marriage because that would take the pressure off completely. I know that I would be happier in a different relationship in this regard, but the way that he treats my dogs, I don't know if I'd ever find someone who's better. Plus, I would like a family. But, a part of me wonders if that's really important, or if I should just be happy with someone who enjoys travelling the world when we're able (every 2-3 years, a trip happens). We're supposed to be planning a hiking trip in Italy this summer, and I have zero interest in planning until my mind and heart are a little more settled. I look at the weekend we just had, and it involved H going to his weekend activity, and staying out for half of Saturday to come home and mark papers. Sunday, after breakfast, he spent the rest of the day until about 9:30pm, marking papers. I cooked meals for the week, lunches for both of us, did errands, cleaned and looked after the needs of the dogs. Neither of us would've had time for kids this particular weekend, and I know his job isn't going to change, and there's no one else to do the cooking, etc., unless we hire someone, which is too expensive.

And now I'm rambling, and still unsure. He's a good man; not a bad man at all, I just wish things were different in many regards. When I asked my therapist how long to give the changes to happen, she said 2-3 months. If we're both reading the book and coming together to talk about it, changes shouldn't take too long to happen. I was thinking around 6 months. Any thoughts on time limits? Kids? Status quo?
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:52 PM
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Re: Therapy, finally

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I know that I would be happier in a different relationship in this regard, but the way that he treats my dogs, I don't know if I'd ever find someone who's better.
Ursula, there are literally HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS of dog lovers in the world. This is the worst reason to stay with him.


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He's a good man; not a bad man at all, I just wish things were different in many regards.
Having read all of your threads, I disagree. Guess how many times my husband hurt me during sex? Twice and he stopped and apologized both times. A few times after that he thought I was in pain, stopped, and asked to make sure because he cares and he is respectful. The fact that your husband keeps doing things in the bedroom that he knows hurts you is down right unacceptable. He's 43, not 4. He KNOWS they still hurt one day to the next. He's choosing to do it because his desires to do those things supersede your need for comfort. Good people don't do that. Good people care about their partner's well being in the bed room. Good people make a real attempt to learn how to please their partner and trust me, if he has a PhD, unless he flew through that on the seat of his pants, he had to learn and apply that learning in order to accomplish that achievement. It would be almost impossible otherwise. He's capable. He's just not willing.

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When I asked my therapist how long to give the changes to happen, she said 2-3 months. If we're both reading the book and coming together to talk about it, changes shouldn't take too long to happen. I was thinking around 6 months. Any thoughts on time limits? Kids? Status quo?
Personally, I'd drop him now in your shoes. I think your therapist's suggestions to have you try and stick with a marriage in which you and your husband have big differences in how you want your lives to go, where your needs aren't being met or even acknowledged, and where he makes you feel uncomfortable/unsafe/unheard in the bedroom is because you are pushing so hard to stay in this terrible situation and mold this guy into something that you're not even happy with - something you're still settling for. You are doing mental gymnastics and grasping at straws as to why you need to stay and give this a fair shot. Stick to your therapist's advice and draw the line at 3 months. I get the strong feeling that your therapists knows this marriage is going to fail and is giving you this advice because you're unwilling to do what is in your best interest in this situation by letting him go. I know this is harsh but you need to open your eyes and realize the nightmare you're describing and ask yourself why you want to stay in it when it's so much easier for you to walk away today. That question is something worth exploring in therapy. You have a pre-nup and no kids. You're in the best circumstance possible to end this immediately and find happiness.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 02:02 PM
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Re: Therapy, finally

Sorry. I'm new here. Did you say how long you had been married?

Last edited by urf; 03-06-2017 at 02:09 PM.
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Therapy, finally

It will be 4 years of marriage this summer. Knew a bit about each other for about 13 years; dated for 3 months; engaged for 10 months before marriage.

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Sorry. I'm new here. Did you say how long you had been married?
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 03:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Therapy, finally

@nekonamida, yes, I know it's not a stellar reason to stay, but they're like our kids; they'd be heartbroken and so would he.

As to the sex issue, it's true, he did this for quite some time, but he hasn't now for quite some time. I covered myself for a couple years, and he never realized the extent of things until I told him. He's now much gentler. The problem now: I cringe when he touches me. Not sure if I'm remembering the times he caused pain, or what, but I just don't like it. And, just to confirm, he's now 47; we got married when he was 43.

I would like to stay together, and really don't want a divorce on my hands, but if I had my choice, I think we'd part ways tomorrow. I think that at this time, we're just going through the motions, and that's not fair to either of us. I don't think either of us are trying to mould each other into someone else, but I do know that we've both changed quite a bit. Mental gymnastics = yes! I will stick to my therapist's advice and give it 3 months. During that time, we'll be able to get through that book, and can have a couple appts with a couple's therapist. If things work out, then that's good, and if not, then at least we can part ways saying that we gave it an honest shot. And you're right, why I'm staying in something that makes neither of us happy when it's probably in our best interests to walk away is something worth exploring.

At this point, I'm sure you're all sick and tired of hearing updates from me when comparatively, I'm in a great position to divorce and cut ties. I'm sorry about that, but like you said nekonamida, I'm doing mental gymnastics, trying to get my head screwed on straight to make the best decision possible.
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