Here we go again.. is it me? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 01:18 PM Thread Starter
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Here we go again.. is it me?

My H and I have had our issues; if you want to read my old posts, go ahead, but I don't think I need to go into the details here.

At some point, things changed with my H and things were going really really well. He had started working again, and even though he HATED his job, things were a bit easier financially. The new job he got was evenings, so we had some time away from each other; seeing each other only on weekends and for a few minutes in the morning. I was doing most of the kid stuff (we have 2 young kids) with school and dinner and cleaning up. His job was weird hours so he wasn't getting a lot of sleep, and I know that was stressful; however, I was really coming to enjoy my alone time in the evenings. I was doing a lot of reading and writing and soul searching and was enjoying things as they were. I knew he hated his job, but A) he wasn't looking for anything else and B) I was afraid of having to see him more often, I was afraid of growing to like him less and less..
Anyways, to make a loong story short; I had a situation come up with a friend, and I had walked in on her physically abusing her 6 year old son (my Godson).. this was a devastating situation and I ended up having custody of the boy.. at least until June, if his mother (we are NO longer friends) gets the mental support she needs.

Now, my H was super super supportive of this decision that was very close to my heart, and I really appreciated that. This boy came with a lot of baggage, and obviously, it was a huge undertaking for my family. His mother became abusive towards us, and showed up at the house with threats; she would call and harass me on the phone.. and was very mentally ill. It wasn't nice.
I became afraid of being alone with the children, and was asking him to stay home more and more often. Eventually, we sat down and did up a budget and thought logically about the situation. We decided together that he should quit his job and he would take on a more homemaker role while i worked. (I make more $ than him, so that made more sense) He was more than excited about this plan because he hates working.. to any extent.
He stayed home and was in charge of house stuff, kids' school, etc. And that worked really well for a long time! We had wonderful holidays and him and I were back on track in a positive way. I felt supported and loved, as did he. I explained to my therapist that because we had this common goal of helping this boy; I felt like we were on the same team, and we were working together, and it was helping us get back to a place of appreciation and common ground.
We still have this little boy, and his mother is doing much better; so she is no longer a threat. And things are starting to get pretty routine, and the little boy is most likely going back to his mom in June (out of my control) I also missed my last therapy appointment due to work emergencies, and haven't heard from my therapist since; but our last meeting was positive and he had started mentioning close out sessions. I could call, but haven't. I dont know why.

I'm here because, I am, once again, starting to get resentful of my H. I'm pretty sure that there is something wrong with me... am I just getting bored? Do I crave the drama? Ugh.

Obviously, our finances are still very tight, because he's not working. He's keeping up with house work to the best of his ability. We have different standards but I'm making a serious effort to lower mine so as to not annoy him with nagging. He makes dinner every night, he drives the little boy to his mom visits at the child protection services.. He does laundry and all that stay at home dad stuff. Which, I constantly thank him for and applaud his work.
He gets on my case a lot for having to work; he doesn't like when I go in early, or stay late, or even when i work from home... but, I'm putting in extra time because we need the money and I'm doing the best I can with what I can. I try to explain this to him, but he gets frustrated and impatient when he's had the kids all day.. and I totally get that; I've been there too. He's getting less and less patient with this little boy, and argues with him like a child. I often have to step in during parenting situations because my H will start acting childish about it all. He'll do things like, mocking, or rolling his eyes, or endless arguing "yes you are, no I'm not, yes you are, no I'm not" ... it's not productive and disappointing to see.
I keep asking, but he says he's fine with the situation and wants to keep supporting him. Our communication is becoming difficult again and I find myself have to drill him for simple answers. I'm always guessing what he's thinking, or having to pull information out of him.. I do this because i KNOW communication is rough on us, and if we don't talk, we bottle up; which is what happened last time we were close to splitting.

After the kids are in bed, he goes on his computer and games. And than I read or something.. and that's that. We've had sex once a month for the past 6 months.(that's more than what it used to be, actually) I hear of people having sex once a week, and I can't even imagine us doing that. He sleeps in, so I do lunches and breakfast and get the kids ready before I drop them off at school on the way to work. He always awake before I leave though and helps us get out the door; he stays with my 2 year old at home. But, I'm finding him unattractive in this light.

Sometimes I think he only agreed to help this little boy because it got him out of having to work.. He was super supportive about it, but his patience is paper thin with him now, and he's hard on him. Yet, he lets my kids get away with murder... If my daughter hits the little boy, he'll shrug and say that he was asking for it. but if the little boy hits my daughter, he'll send him up to his room and get all pissed off. It's unfair.. and his lack of parenting skills are really really bothering me.

But than, he turns around and tells me he wants to become a full time foster parent, and take kids in while getting paid for it. (we're not getting paid by child protective services for this little guy) I can't help but think he only wants to do that so he doesn't have to get a job.

I wonder sometimes if I'm just FINDING things about him to dislike. My heart isn't in this relationship anymore... i'm starting to doubt if it ever was. I feel like an a**hole because he's not a bad guy.. He kind and helpful and loves his family... loves me. But he's lazy, unmotivated, and is always looking for the easy way out. he has no ambition, no social drive, and it's all very unattractive to me. He suffers with depression and anxiety, so I try to give him a break.. but he's not on meds, never did go to therapy, and I'm wondering if this is another mental cycle we're hitting.. or if I'm being unreasonable and dramatic.. if I'm finding reasons to resent him, I should either stop doing that, or get out of the relationship.
I haven't told a single soul about any of these thoughts... we were doing so well, and I was bragging about how our marriage has turned around.. I was so proud of that! I'm scared that i'm trying to blame our failures on him... when really, it's me that making it all up in my head...

Sigh. I should probably call my therapist now....

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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 01:41 PM
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Re: Here we go again.. is it me?

that sounds tough. It seems to be an internal battle you are describing. I only reply because I feel I'm in the same boat with some uniqueness of course (every relationship is unique), but on the opposite spectrum, as it is my wife that I feel as you do with your husband.

My question for you if you don't mind is, how did you go about finding a therapist? How did you go about trusting someone with these feelings and thoughts? Has a therapist helped, or is it just another person you are putting time and energy into to spill it all out, and is your therapist the same gender and biased?

This has been 3 years in the making for my wife and I out of the almost 12 years of marriage, and we tolerate each very well, esp. for our beautiful children, but I'm realizing, that she has been very emotionally manipulative towards me and didn't even know it for a decade (we now talk about it finally without her crying and hitting herself) and my personality has been (due to watching my mom and dad, my mom's emotions and my dad's OCD controlling pride watching her freak out)... to take things to heart, never wanting to make my wife cry, to then beat the tar out of myself internally, repenting for existing - which I'm now finally allowing myself to process and call out the emotional manipulation attempts by my spouse, which she has recognized somewhat and is learning to control her emotional responses.

I feel like I'm just an unwanted pet to her family, who I have poured my heart into loving and trying to build relationships with, it seems they just don't like relationships outside their immediate family I'm finally realizing, after 11 exhausting years, and they could care less what happens to me, as long as they have their daughter when they want her.

anywho, my first reaching out, felt some similarities to what you described.
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 10:46 PM
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Re: Here we go again.. is it me?

I dont think this is all in your head. Its very hard to have respect for someone who flat out DOES NOT want to work. How sad is it that now he wants to foster children to bring in money?? That is the epitome of laziness. Your heart does not seem to be in this any more and I dont see him every changing the core of who he is. You dont seem to respect him or really even like him very much any more. If I were you, I would probably start planning an exit strategy for when the little boy goes back to his mother's.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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