Is there any hope when trust is gone? - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

User Tag List

 35Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 04:57 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 5
Unhappy Is there any hope when trust is gone?

Hi Everyone,

I married a man from Lebanon (age 26) and I am 35 female. I did a lot and invested a lot to bring him here. When he came things were rocky with adjusting to cultural differences as well as personality differences. I had been concerned with some of his actions and kicked him out in July 2015 (only after him being here for 6 months). I took him back and from there things went down hill. He has a habit of living a secret life and will make multiple accounts on Facebook and IG. I found him talking to girls online and from that point I asked him no social media (he also didnt want me on there as well). We both agreed and promised. Fast forward through our relationship and we endure lots of fighting over trust issues and me asking him to leave then coming back. In October of this year I asked to look through his phone because he wanted to look at mine-fair is fair. I found a post he made advertising online looking for women. At this point I said it was over and he begged me to stay stating that he made that when things were bad and nothing ever happened with it-he only posted. I lost all trust but stayed because I truly love him and believe in staying in a marriage and not leaving. A week ago I broke down and looked at this phone again. I found in his internet browsing history he was on Facebook again and his history showed about 10 girl names he had clicked on (I couldn't log in so I don't know what this entailed). Also he had googled a picture of one of the girls he worked with and searched for her on Facebook as well. Before I told him what I found, I asked him if he was on any social media and he replied no. I said none at all? He said no. I showed him the screenshots of all the pictures I had taken on his phone and only then did he say ok I was. He constantly lies to me and then only admits the truth when cornered. I ask him how he can do this and he says he doesn't know why he does-he does it to avoid fighting.

He said he wants me to stay and we try couples therapy-but for me how will this change his behavior? He told me that the reason he keeps doing these things is for a distraction because things are bad with us and he feels like I judge him and am never happy with him. I told him if he was so unhappy he could end it or suggest counseling or talk to me--his method of dealing with it broke all his promises and led him to constantly lie to me and ruin any trust. Of course to add to all this his company is closing and he will need to relocate to another state and wants to me go. I cant do this and chance losing my job when we are bad. He was so upset over losing me he told me he would not take the job and try to find another one here. I feel that maybe because we are so unhealthy that he shouldn't lose a good job opportunity and this is the chance for us to end it. He is very upset and feels that I am running away and giving up. He said he loves me and accepts all my faults and why cant I love him and accept he has faults. I am very confused and feel that if trust is gone and someone keeps betraying you they will keep doing so. I just wanted to hear any other comments that someone can offer. I should mention that I was married before and that marriage was ruined by that husband cheating multiple times. I told my current husband what that had done to me and how damaging this was and he promised he would never hurt me in that way. I feel so betrayed and hurt.


Last edited by betrayed_wife; 01-30-2017 at 05:19 PM.
betrayed_wife is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 05:14 PM
Member
 
*Deidre*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 3,178
Re: Is there any hope when trust is gone?

End this. He has shown you exactly who he is, but of course he doesn't want you to leave, because he wants a wife and also other women on the side. Please seek legal advice, love doesn't look like this.

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

I'm newly married
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
*Deidre* is offline  
post #3 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 05:32 PM
Member
 
Lostme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Down South
Posts: 651
Re: Is there any hope when trust is gone?

End it, and stop taking him back. Your life will just get more miserable.



You do matter!
Lostme is offline  
 
post #4 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 05:49 PM
Member
 
ChipperE's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 108
He has shown that he has a pattern within your relationship. I can't see that chsnging, especially since he isn't forthcoming with information, he waits for you to catch him. You know it's not going to change...dig deep and find the courage to give him his walking papers.
ChipperE is offline  
post #5 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 06:06 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 104
Re: Is there any hope when trust is gone?

No. Once trust is gone it can never be fully restored. And no one deserves a spouse or SO that can't be trusted or can only be trusted 2/3 of the time.
CanadaDry is offline  
post #6 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 06:49 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,284
Re: Is there any hope when trust is gone?

Depends on what you hope for. A happy marriage. Nope.

He is not worth it. Your hope lies in someone else.

Last edited by sokillme; 01-30-2017 at 08:19 PM.
sokillme is offline  
post #7 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 08:15 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southeast
Posts: 4,440
Re: Is there any hope when trust is gone?

He's using you. Let him go.
Openminded is offline  
post #8 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 09:13 PM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 2,810
Re: Is there any hope when trust is gone?

It is the kind and trusting that seem "ever" to fall prey to the wolves in this life.

The Meek may inherit the Earth but they shall first be burned and scarred for the reward of this Inheritance.

Let your Hide and Pride stiffen. Learn from this mistake.

Divorce this broken shard of a man. He cannot carry your water. So many flaws and cracks he has.

His honor un-righteously drained from him, long ago.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is offline  
post #9 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 09:30 PM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 2,810
Re: Is there any hope when trust is gone?

It is said that only the meanest and vicious creatures can survive in the desert. The Scorpion, the Camel Spider, the Asp, the Side Winder are but a few.

When you bring living things out of that environment, you tempt fate, you risk death.

My words are like bread baked in the sun.....hard and begrudgingly palatable.

Burned raw are my feet, burned by those wavy sand dunes. Beneath those shifting mounds, no shovel and no logic can penetrate.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is offline  
post #10 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 12:58 AM
Member
 
Betrayedone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 444
Re: Is there any hope when trust is gone?

Lebanon is a different culture.....Women are viewed as property.....He is considerably younger than you which means that he is immature.....You need to cut your losses right now and kick his ass to the curb.....Your relationship has no chance for success.........Sometimes when I think I've seen it all a post like this will pop up and make me shake my head.......

Betrayedone is offline  
post #11 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:33 AM
Member
 
Vinnydee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Southern USA, but longtime NYC boy prior to our move.
Posts: 687
Re: Is there any hope when trust is gone?

Marriage counselling does not change a person. It only can provide tools. You do not want to stay married to someone whose solution to marital problems is having sex with other girls. Many who cheat will try to place the blame on their spouse. It is almost a cliche. You made them cheat. If you treated them better then would not have to cheat, etc.. I firmly believe that a person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior and in this case it is probably his certain behavior in the future.

Although I have seen marriages where one spouse cheated once, succeed at least for a few more years, most do not. Once lost, trust takes a very long time to rebuild and even then, it will never be at the same trust level as before. One thing that happens is that you will bring up his cheating often and he will have to accept that it will take time for you to not feel that raw emotion anymore. Most guys will resent having it thrown in their face all the time and having to make an extra effort not to make you suspicious. He way want to go out with the guys for a few hours on Saturday night but is he really doing that? Are his friends covering for him. These days with cell phones you have no idea where he is when you call him. If he allows you to find his phone on an iPhone, he can simply leave his phone somewhere and then meet his girlfriend someplace else and make an excuse as to why he did not take your call or even setup his phone to forward your calls to the other woman's house while leaving it in his office so you thing he is working late. No way to tell if he is still cheating and that will gnaw at your gut everytime he is not with you or does something suspicious. That is no way to live.

I look at it this way, even if my spouse had not cheated again, I have no way to prove that and I will be suspicious of her all the time when she is out of my sight. So whether she cheats of not, I will experience the same negative emotions anyway so best to call it off.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
Vinnydee is offline  
post #12 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 04:26 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 5
Re: Is there any hope when trust is gone?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Openminded View Post
He's using you. Let him go.

What would he be using me for? He works and pays his own bills and he does a lot for himself.
betrayed_wife is offline  
post #13 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 04:30 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 5
Re: Is there any hope when trust is gone?

Thank you for responding
betrayed_wife is offline  
post #14 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 04:33 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 5
Re: Is there any hope when trust is gone?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
Marriage counselling does not change a person. It only can provide tools. You do not want to stay married to someone whose solution to marital problems is having sex with other girls. Many who cheat will try to place the blame on their spouse. It is almost a cliche. You made them cheat. If you treated them better then would not have to cheat, etc.. I firmly believe that a person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior and in this case it is probably his certain behavior in the future.

Although I have seen marriages where one spouse cheated once, succeed at least for a few more years, most do not. Once lost, trust takes a very long time to rebuild and even then, it will never be at the same trust level as before. One thing that happens is that you will bring up his cheating often and he will have to accept that it will take time for you to not feel that raw emotion anymore. Most guys will resent having it thrown in their face all the time and having to make an extra effort not to make you suspicious. He way want to go out with the guys for a few hours on Saturday night but is he really doing that? Are his friends covering for him. These days with cell phones you have no idea where he is when you call him. If he allows you to find his phone on an iPhone, he can simply leave his phone somewhere and then meet his girlfriend someplace else and make an excuse as to why he did not take your call or even setup his phone to forward your calls to the other woman's house while leaving it in his office so you thing he is working late. No way to tell if he is still cheating and that will gnaw at your gut everytime he is not with you or does something suspicious. That is no way to live.

I look at it this way, even if my spouse had not cheated again, I have no way to prove that and I will be suspicious of her all the time when she is out of my sight. So whether she cheats of not, I will experience the same negative emotions anyway so best to call it off.

I didn't catch him having any physical relationship. That is something I am unsure of as I have no proof. From what I see he did make a post online looking for women his age and also he spends his time on Facebook and IG looking up women and talking to them-strangers and others he might have known from his past. I hate social media for all the damage it can do to relationships and I asked him to stay off for this reason. Seems he was using this as a "distraction" to get away from me.
betrayed_wife is offline  
post #15 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 04:34 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 5
Re: Is there any hope when trust is gone?

I didn't catch him having any physical relationship. That is something I am unsure of as I have no proof. From what I see he did make a post online looking for women his age and also he spends his time on Facebook and IG looking up women and talking to them-strangers and others he might have known from his past. I hate social media for all the damage it can do to relationships and I asked him to stay off for this reason. Seems he was using this as a "distraction" to get away from me. I know age can play a role in this but he seems mature in a lot of ways with his hard work ethic and some wisdom from living in a war torn area. I thought he had reached a point in life where he knew what really mattered. Maybe it just changed him for the worse and made him more cold and disengaged as a person.
betrayed_wife is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
deception, lying, trust

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Trust Issues phoebebianx Coping with Infidelity 14 11-21-2016 11:14 PM
Rebuilding Confidence (and maybe trust) TournerLaPage General Relationship Discussion 33 11-21-2016 08:55 AM
is all hope lost? bojangles Reconciliation 45 10-26-2016 10:46 AM
Brangelina proves you should never trust a cheater The Middleman Coping with Infidelity 31 09-23-2016 10:29 AM
Monitoring software: Trust, Protection, or Evidence? MAJDEATH Coping with Infidelity 35 06-29-2016 11:20 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome