Lost phone, suspicions, crazy making, please help! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 07:29 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Lost phone, suspicions, crazy making, please help!

I'm 64 years old and husband is 68. We've been separated for a year.

We are not legally separated, just living separate. We still love each other, but there were issues in the marriage and we both felt we needed to have time separate and then decide what to do.

We've had MC with 3 different counselors, and I've had IC but he has not.

I recently came to Washington state to be with my sons for awhile, whom I've not seen in many many years. H was fine with me leaving. He's in New York State.

He's retired and so am I.

There's a lot to share, but I wanted to get to one situation that's really really hurting me and confusing me tonight.

We talked on our cell phones Saturday afternoon, he said he was going to go visit his brother who he's not seen in several months, and that he would call me when he got home.

I never heard from him at all Saturday night, or all day Sunday.

I tried calling his cell, but it kept going to voicemail. So I thought maybe he didn't want to talk to me. I called several more times Sunday evening, but same thing, it went right to voicemail.

What's strange is that just recently within the last two weeks, we been seriously talking about me leaving Washington to come back to New York state and possibly try living together again.

Things were actually getting better between us, and he had sent me several cards in the mail and a few gifts, and when he left messages every day it was very loving and uplifting.

When Monday came and I have not heard from him I became worried, he has had two small strokes in the past, and he lives in the country where there are not a lot of neighbors.

On Monday afternoon I called the local police and asked for a wellness check. They called me back about 30 minutes later and said he was there and he was OK, and that he had lost his phone.

My husband used the police's phone to call me but I was in the bathroom and missed his call, he did leave a message and said he lost his phone and that as soon as his pension went to the bank he was going to buy a new phone and would call me.

His pension is in the bank on the last day of every month, which would've been today, which is what he said on his message, that he would buy the phone today and call me.

It is now 8 o'clock in the evening in New York State, and I have not heard from him.

There are several things that are not making sense to me.

His phone is quite large, I don't see how he could have lost it, you would think he would have had to put it down somewhere or it fell out of his jeans, which being that large he would've known.

Of course I've considered the possibility that he left it at a strip club, a massage parlor, a hookers apartment, or someone he seeing. I have to consider every possibility.

If any of the above happened, you would think he would have gone back to see if it was there.

I know this may seem trivial to some, but this is eating away at me and I've been very upset all day, crying here and there and just sick to my stomach thinking the worst.

I would welcome any thoughts, opinions or ideas about a "lost phone".

Of course there is more to our history, such as he cheated several times on his first wife, this is his second marriage and the second marriage for me. And no I'm not the woman he cheated with.

He's very insensitive to my feelings, he has very little empathy for me, and can be very cold at times.

Because we've been apart for one year, there has been no sex of course, he has admitted to watching porn and masturbating, which I've excepted only because I'm not there, but I don't like the idea.

Also in his past, he has visited hookers and while in the Navy he used prostitutes.

Of course that was many many many eons ago, and as far as I know while we were married, he was always faithful to me.

So with all of that, please tell me what you think. I'm a nervous wreck and having a very bad night.

Thank you all ....

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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 07:44 PM
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Re: Lost phone, suspicions, crazy making, please help!

I don't see a lost phone as suspicious. It could fall out of pocket, or be pick-pocketed. He could have been reading something, got distracted and left it.

I haven't lost my phone yet, but I've lost plenty of other things including 2 wedding rings.

Is there some back story that makes this suspicious?
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 07:45 PM
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Re: Lost phone, suspicions, crazy making, please help!

I think he lost his phone. Is he showing signs of dementia? You are not there to notice.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 07:48 PM
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Re: Lost phone, suspicions, crazy making, please help!

HI Dee Dee

To an outsider, there is nothing here other than a lost phone. What I don't understand is why you are freaking out about this unless your gut is telling you something else and there have been other red flags that are culminating in this response, it is not just the lost phone.

If he had met someone else or gone to a strip club would that bother you, you are separated.

I would not pursue him, badger him, you will not find out anything more.
Go silent, no contact, see what happens. You are too old (64) to have to deal with this stuff. I would suggest you really consider moving back with him, a leopard rarely changes their spots and in his case he probably needs a carer in the not too distant future, do not give up your freedom for that sort of life. Maybe he is getting cold feet about living together again?
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 07:50 PM
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Re: Lost phone, suspicions, crazy making, please help!

I think you are overreacting, unless there is something you haven't mentioned.

Having a large phone really has nothing to do with the ability to lose it. I am known for losing phones. I have a large phone. I could lose a phone the size of a bread box. I have left one on top of my car and drove off, dropped one into a mud puddle while getting into the car and then backed over it, lost one during a hike, left one in the Smithsonian, lost one in an airport Starbucks, etc. More times than I want to admit.

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Originally Posted by DeeDee64 View Post
He's very insensitive to my feelings, he has very little empathy for me, and can be very cold at times.
Then why are you considering living together with him again?

I don't really understand the 'separation' thing like this, but then I've never done it.

I would give him a couple more days to get a new phone.
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 07:59 PM
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Re: Lost phone, suspicions, crazy making, please help!

I think it's very likely that you're worrying about nothing. He's 68 and you haven't lived with him for a year. He could very well have lost it.

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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 10:56 PM
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Lost phone, suspicions, crazy making, please help!

I'm sorry but if he's that insensitive and you're separated, I think you should be thinking more about Number one. You are young and have decades left on this earth - you deserve a good partner. My dad is 87 and mom is 83 - you've only got 10 years on me. I consider myself young still (one can hope, right?). So go with your eyes open and you'll find good men out there.


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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 11:18 PM
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Re: Lost phone, suspicions, crazy making, please help!

A 68 year old man losing his phone doesn't sound like a stretch. I wonder like the other poster says. Dementia. Sadly this is how it starts. I think you need to make sure he gets a phone and keep an eye on him.
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 05:29 AM
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Cool Re: Lost phone, suspicions, crazy making, please help!

Most likely a lost cell phone!

I take it that he doesn't have a landline or email capability at the house?

In the absence of that, I'd give him another week or two, then if he doesn't answer your calls or emails, I'd check in with neighbors or do yet another police wellness check!

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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 05:31 AM
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Re: Lost phone, suspicions, crazy making, please help!

I want to second the advice that you have him make the next contact. The wellness check was likely a strong experience for him, especially if he really did just lose his phone. If there is more to the story than he is sharing, it makes a point there as well. I would pull back and see how he proceeds from here. Depending on how long it is before he connects, it may give you some time to focus on what's hurting you and whether it is something you want as a part of your future.

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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 07:35 AM
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Re: Lost phone, suspicions, crazy making, please help!

Sounds like more is going on with you too then just a cell phone. I agree with others that this just sounds simply like someone misplaced their cell, but i would guess theres larger things going on in your marriage you haven't written about.

What are the real issues here? At 68, and knowing how insensitive he is (your words), why would you spend the rest of your precious years with someone who is like that, or someone that makes you question your trust based on a lost cell phone?
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 07:38 AM
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Re: Lost phone, suspicions, crazy making, please help!

I realize the worry and health check, with his medical history, but you sound a bit like his mum.

You're living separately, that to me says you're separated, right?

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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 02:09 PM
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Re: Lost phone, suspicions, crazy making, please help!

How are things @DeeDee64?
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