Honestly, I've thought about whether or not my husband would be able to take care of children should we have them. I figure he'd be too grossed out. I never, however, thought about them growing up and modeling that behavior. I'm so glad you brought that up. I definitely don't want them living the same life I currently am. That's a lot to think about! Thank you for that!
It is! I know most understand the huge responsibility of child rearing in theory, but don't really understand the burden and blessing until they actually have a child. Many, myself included, underestimate how much choice of other parent and how healthy their marriage is can effect a kid.
I hope you understand it's not just the OCD behaviors. Even if your H could handle the grossness of the little disease vectors (Kids really are gross and they tend to bring home every bug that comes down the pike) and you were willing to do all the hands on work, think of how a child might feel getting little to no physical affection from it's father. What it would be like to grow up under strict cleanliness rules, to see Dad has a problem he won't do anything to address, to see as proper a cold marital relationship devoid of hugs and kisses freely given and received, to think a couple sleeping separately is normal.
When young children's parents divorce, the children often blame themselves. They think they did something wrong or are defective in some way and therefore the cause of the split. If your H couldn't freely offer touch and affection to a snot nosed exuberant toddler with sticky fingers, that kid is bound to feel deep hurt, rejected, and start to feel there is something intrinsically wrong with himself or herself.
Basically, the child would feel the same hurt you do without the understanding of an adult mind to buffer it even just a little.
Same with my husband! His hands are always cracked and bleeding. He showers at least 3 times a day and usually for 30 minutes each time.
Lord, I hope you have an awesome hot water tank and vats of lotion!
My W cousin with the exact type of OCD does have a child. Although grossed out by the diaper(like most) she did fine by her daughter.
Some do ok, others not so much. My dad never changed a diaper or wiped snot from a nose or cleaned up vomit because he just couldn't handle it. He'd literally run from the room. I seriously thought he was going to have to be committed when my sister and I got Chicken Pox at the same time. Two of his brothers and one of his sisters are the same.
Quote from @confusedgirl7
is so true. My parents weren't obsessed with germs like your husband but man they were obsessed with cleanliness. Everything was structured and ran like clockwork. Our childhoods revolved around chores. Nothing fun took place until the house was completely clean, and after fun time, clean up time YAYE!
. I absolutely hated it as a child but guess how I turned out, yup, exactly like my parents. Every single one of their 6 children, obsessed with cleanliness.
I know my sisters have certainly had the same struggles I'm coping with now; realizing the frustrations it creates when our partners do not share the same obsessive values. In the beginning I felt repulsed by what I viewed as his disgusting habits. I'm learning to accept now that my perceptions of cleanliness are a bit extreme and only serve to cause me stress. I struggle with it daily, multiple times per day. All of this unnecessary stress because my parents were so obsessive.
If it were my choice, I would not be this obsessive. It's very taxing unless one plans to live on their own, never have kids or is willing to put in effort to find a partner with the same obsessive behaviours.
All this to say, don't raise kids in that environment!
My mother was single when she had me and didn't meet my Dad until I was 4 years old. Dad's parents had 6 kids in a 3 bedroom small bungalow house. Grandma liked to keep a very
clean home because to do otherwise was shameful to her. When Dad was a tween, she injure her back at work and was out of commission for almost two years. The kids tried to do the chores and keep the house clean, but they were kids. That experience definitely impacted my Dad. He was a neat freak! So much as a tiny piece of paper landed on the carpet and the whole entire house had to be vacuumed. One dish wasn't totally clean and they all had to come out of the cupboards and be washed immediately. That kind of thing.
When I had kids of my own, I felt immense pressure to have a perfect house. It took me more than a decade to learn to relax and not lose my grip over a towel in the bathroom or dishes in the sink or a coat on the back of a dining room chair. Sometimes, I still have to consciously remind myself that the world won't stop turning and my friends will still like me if there are a few dishes in the sink and a dust bunny or two under the couch.
My little sister, who is now grown with a husband and 6 girls of her own, can't go to sleep is there is anything out of place or a single dish in the sink. She obsessively cleans. The Universe will implode if someone were to come over and see a spec of dust anywhere. Every time I go to her house for a gathering, she's always stressed and she's too busy cleaning to chat and catch up. She misses out on so much just like I once did only she's in her 30's now and showing no signs of relaxing AT ALL. It's sad.