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post #16 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 01:05 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do.

I have a certain phobia myself and have read up a little about them.
A morbid fear of bacteria (germs) is called mysophobia and is different from ocd but a lot of people with mysophobia are ocd.Has your husband any other symptoms of ocd other than the fear of germs,is his frequent hand washing done when he feels he has been in contact with germs or is it just ritual, does he buy excessive amounts of disinfectant or cleaning products?
Because he works with children he may feel they are carrying every germ known to man and this will make him worse.If on the rare occasions you are out together will he use public bathrooms,will he share food with you or anyone else,does he obsessively clean doorknobs,drawer handles etc.This can be hereditary so check were his parents obsessive about cleaning.
It may be worth pointing out to him that excessive use of medicated hand cleaners or soaps will leave him more open to infection.
This is not an easy phobia to treat and especially if he doesn't think there is anything wrong.Relaxation therapy may help,even a mild anti depressant would probably calm him down a little but in the long run he has to accept he has a serious problem or else you may need to move on.

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post #17 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 01:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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I have a certain phobia myself and have read up a little about them.
A morbid fear of bacteria (germs) is called mysophobia and is different from ocd but a lot of people with mysophobia are ocd.Has your husband any other symptoms of ocd other than the fear of germs,is his frequent hand washing done when he feels he has been in contact with germs or is it just ritual, does he buy excessive amounts of disinfectant or cleaning products?
Because he works with children he may feel they are carrying every germ known to man and this will make him worse.If on the rare occasions you are out together will he use public bathrooms,will he share food with you or anyone else,does he obsessively clean doorknobs,drawer handles etc.This can be hereditary so check were his parents obsessive about cleaning.
It may be worth pointing out to him that excessive use of medicated hand cleaners or soaps will leave him more open to infection.
This is not an easy phobia to treat and especially if he doesn't think there is anything wrong.Relaxation therapy may help,even a mild anti depressant would probably calm him down a little but in the long run he has to accept he has a serious problem or else you may need to move on.

You just described him perfectly. He's constantly washing his hands. Basically, he washes them before and after he touches anything. When we go out, he'll use public restrooms, but won't touch anything after washing his hands. Then he'll use hand sanitizer as soon as he gets in the vehicle and before he'll touch his steering wheel. As soon as we get home, he gets a shower because he doesn't want to sit on the furniture in his "dirty" clothes. We can't even have a full date night because as soon as we get home from dinner, he thinks he has to shower. He won't touch doorknobs, even in our house. He uses tissues or napkins to touch them. His parents are definitely not like that because they've commented on it to him before also. We've all approached him about it very sympathetically and have expressed our concerns. No matter how we go about it, he won't acknowledge there is a problem. He just gets mad that we even brought it up. He's quite set in his ways with everything. He doesn't take criticism well, no matter how you do it.
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post #18 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 01:39 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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You just described him perfectly. He's constantly washing his hands. Basically, he washes them before and after he touches anything. When we go out, he'll use public restrooms, but won't touch anything after washing his hands. Then he'll use hand sanitizer as soon as he gets in the vehicle and before he'll touch his steering wheel. As soon as we get home, he gets a shower because he doesn't want to sit on the furniture in his "dirty" clothes. We can't even have a full date night because as soon as we get home from dinner, he thinks he has to shower. He won't touch doorknobs, even in our house. He uses tissues or napkins to touch them. His parents are definitely not like that because they've commented on it to him before also. We've all approached him about it very sympathetically and have expressed our concerns. No matter how we go about it, he won't acknowledge there is a problem. He just gets mad that we even brought it up. He's quite set in his ways with everything. He doesn't take criticism well, no matter how you do it.
Well you have a long road ahead of you if you want to try and change him.The biggest problem is he doesn't accept that he has a problem,it's worse than an alcoholic that thinks he is a social drinker even though he is drunk every day.Unless you are prepared for years of this I would separate even if you lose some money on the house.
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post #19 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 01:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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Well you have a long road ahead of you if you want to try and change him.The biggest problem is he doesn't accept that he has a problem,it's worse than an alcoholic that thinks he is a social drinker even though he is drunk every day.Unless you are prepared for years of this I would separate even if you lose some money on the house.
Amen to that! I've accepted that he won't change until he realizes he has a problem. That's one of the reasons I've basically given up. If only one of us seems to be unhappy and the other person won't acknowledge that unhappiness, it's just not right. We're two very different people and heading in different directions.
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post #20 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 02:09 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do.

man o man. a women who wants to be outside and especially FISH. you do have some value in the open market for sure!

unfortunately if hes always been a lazy TV watcher then he probably wont change. My wife is the same. I love to snowboard, fish, hunt and be generally active but she likes to do.. well nothing.

One time i actually sat down and had her teach me how to knit so i could get involved in one of her hobbies. But she would start and ditch hobbies like under ware. She never really wanted or had interest in doing anything like physical activity. its a wonder we made it as long as we did.

I can tell you though... It doesnt get better.

Come to Jesus talk should be in order where you clearly state your intentions and expectations.
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post #21 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 02:11 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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Amen to that! I've accepted that he won't change until he realizes he has a problem. That's one of the reasons I've basically given up. If only one of us seems to be unhappy and the other person won't acknowledge that unhappiness, it's just not right. We're two very different people and heading in different directions.
You mentioned wanting children. It's possible your H's mental illness is genetically inheritable and it's also possible a child growing up in his household might be negatively influenced by both his behavior and his refusal to address it.

Children live what they learn. A child's views on what is normal in family life and in adult romantic relationships are formed by watching their parents model behavior. Children are very likely to have a marriage similar to the one modeled for them by their mother and father (or mothers and fathers for same sex couples raising families).

Would you want your child to live the kind of marriage you are currently in?

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #22 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 02:46 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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You just described him perfectly. He's constantly washing his hands. Basically, he washes them before and after he touches anything. When we go out, he'll use public restrooms, but won't touch anything after washing his hands. Then he'll use hand sanitizer as soon as he gets in the vehicle and before he'll touch his steering wheel. As soon as we get home, he gets a shower because he doesn't want to sit on the furniture in his "dirty" clothes. We can't even have a full date night because as soon as we get home from dinner, he thinks he has to shower. He won't touch doorknobs, even in our house. He uses tissues or napkins to touch them. His parents are definitely not like that because they've commented on it to him before also. We've all approached him about it very sympathetically and have expressed our concerns. No matter how we go about it, he won't acknowledge there is a problem. He just gets mad that we even brought it up. He's quite set in his ways with everything. He doesn't take criticism well, no matter how you do it.
My W's cousin to a T. Her hands get washed so much her skin is dry and cracked badly. And yes, with the showering. Usually 3-4 times a day.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
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post #23 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 02:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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man o man. a women who wants to be outside and especially FISH. you do have some value in the open market for sure!

unfortunately if hes always been a lazy TV watcher then he probably wont change. My wife is the same. I love to snowboard, fish, hunt and be generally active but she likes to do.. well nothing.

One time i actually sat down and had her teach me how to knit so i could get involved in one of her hobbies. But she would start and ditch hobbies like under ware. She never really wanted or had interest in doing anything like physical activity. its a wonder we made it as long as we did.

I can tell you though... It doesnt get better.

Come to Jesus talk should be in order where you clearly state your intentions and expectations.
I definitely don't have a problem relating to men. I also used to hunt and plan to get back into that next year. I've grown up with men and have always worked around them, so I'm really not concerned about being alone or finding someone else. It's finding the right someone else because I don't want to make the same mistake twice. That's way down the road though. For now, I'm going to give my marriage one last shot at least for a few months. If I see little to no effort, I think the separation will be inevitable because I don't want to live like this forever. It's so comforting to find so many people who have been in my shoes and who understand what it's like.

I would be shocked if my husband ever tried to take an interest in one of my hobbies! Especially something like knitting. He'd never do that in a million years! Your wife sounds a lot like my husband. I think he could sit in front of the tv the rest of his life as long as someone was there to bring him food.
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post #24 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 02:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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You mentioned wanting children. It's possible your H's mental illness is genetically inheritable and it's also possible a child growing up in his household might be negatively influenced by both his behavior and his refusal to address it.

Children live what they learn. A child's views on what is normal in family life and in adult romantic relationships are formed by watching their parents model behavior. Children are very likely to have a marriage similar to the one modeled for them by their mother and father (or mothers and fathers for same sex couples raising families).

Would you want your child to live the kind of marriage you are currently in?
Honestly, I've thought about whether or not my husband would be able to take care of children should we have them. I figure he'd be too grossed out. I never, however, thought about them growing up and modeling that behavior. I'm so glad you brought that up. I definitely don't want them living the same life I currently am. That's a lot to think about! Thank you for that!
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post #25 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 02:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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My W's cousin to a T. Her hands get washed so much her skin is dry and cracked badly. And yes, with the showering. Usually 3-4 times a day.
Same with my husband! His hands are always cracked and bleeding. He showers at least 3 times a day and usually for 30 minutes each time.

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post #26 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 03:00 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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Honestly, I've thought about whether or not my husband would be able to take care of children should we have them. I figure he'd be too grossed out. I never, however, thought about them growing up and modeling that behavior. I'm so glad you brought that up. I definitely don't want them living the same life I currently am. That's a lot to think about! Thank you for that!
My W cousin with the exact type of OCD does have a child. Although grossed out by the diaper(like most) she did fine by her daughter.

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post #27 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 03:14 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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Honestly, I've thought about whether or not my husband would be able to take care of children should we have them. I figure he'd be too grossed out. I never, however, thought about them growing up and modeling that behavior. I'm so glad you brought that up. I definitely don't want them living the same life I currently am. That's a lot to think about! Thank you for that!
Quote from @confusedgirl7 is so true. My parents weren't obsessed with germs like your husband but man they were obsessed with cleanliness. Everything was structured and ran like clockwork. Our childhoods revolved around chores. Nothing fun took place until the house was completely clean, and after fun time, clean up time YAYE! . I absolutely hated it as a child but guess how I turned out, yup, exactly like my parents. Every single one of their 6 children, obsessed with cleanliness.

I know my sisters have certainly had the same struggles I'm coping with now; realizing the frustrations it creates when our partners do not share the same obsessive values. In the beginning I felt repulsed by what I viewed as his disgusting habits. I'm learning to accept now that my perceptions of cleanliness are a bit extreme and only serve to cause me stress. I struggle with it daily, multiple times per day. All of this unnecessary stress because my parents were so obsessive.

If it were my choice, I would not be this obsessive. It's very taxing unless one plans to live on their own, never have kids or is willing to put in effort to find a partner with the same obsessive behaviours.

All this to say, don't raise kids in that environment!
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post #28 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 04:05 PM
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post #29 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 05:49 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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Originally Posted by confusedgirl7 View Post
Honestly, I've thought about whether or not my husband would be able to take care of children should we have them. I figure he'd be too grossed out. I never, however, thought about them growing up and modeling that behavior. I'm so glad you brought that up. I definitely don't want them living the same life I currently am. That's a lot to think about! Thank you for that!
It is! I know most understand the huge responsibility of child rearing in theory, but don't really understand the burden and blessing until they actually have a child. Many, myself included, underestimate how much choice of other parent and how healthy their marriage is can effect a kid.

I hope you understand it's not just the OCD behaviors. Even if your H could handle the grossness of the little disease vectors (Kids really are gross and they tend to bring home every bug that comes down the pike) and you were willing to do all the hands on work, think of how a child might feel getting little to no physical affection from it's father. What it would be like to grow up under strict cleanliness rules, to see Dad has a problem he won't do anything to address, to see as proper a cold marital relationship devoid of hugs and kisses freely given and received, to think a couple sleeping separately is normal.

When young children's parents divorce, the children often blame themselves. They think they did something wrong or are defective in some way and therefore the cause of the split. If your H couldn't freely offer touch and affection to a snot nosed exuberant toddler with sticky fingers, that kid is bound to feel deep hurt, rejected, and start to feel there is something intrinsically wrong with himself or herself.

Basically, the child would feel the same hurt you do without the understanding of an adult mind to buffer it even just a little.

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Same with my husband! His hands are always cracked and bleeding. He showers at least 3 times a day and usually for 30 minutes each time.
Lord, I hope you have an awesome hot water tank and vats of lotion!

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My W cousin with the exact type of OCD does have a child. Although grossed out by the diaper(like most) she did fine by her daughter.
Some do ok, others not so much. My dad never changed a diaper or wiped snot from a nose or cleaned up vomit because he just couldn't handle it. He'd literally run from the room. I seriously thought he was going to have to be committed when my sister and I got Chicken Pox at the same time. Two of his brothers and one of his sisters are the same.

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Quote from @confusedgirl7 is so true. My parents weren't obsessed with germs like your husband but man they were obsessed with cleanliness. Everything was structured and ran like clockwork. Our childhoods revolved around chores. Nothing fun took place until the house was completely clean, and after fun time, clean up time YAYE! . I absolutely hated it as a child but guess how I turned out, yup, exactly like my parents. Every single one of their 6 children, obsessed with cleanliness.

I know my sisters have certainly had the same struggles I'm coping with now; realizing the frustrations it creates when our partners do not share the same obsessive values. In the beginning I felt repulsed by what I viewed as his disgusting habits. I'm learning to accept now that my perceptions of cleanliness are a bit extreme and only serve to cause me stress. I struggle with it daily, multiple times per day. All of this unnecessary stress because my parents were so obsessive.

If it were my choice, I would not be this obsessive. It's very taxing unless one plans to live on their own, never have kids or is willing to put in effort to find a partner with the same obsessive behaviours.

All this to say, don't raise kids in that environment!
My mother was single when she had me and didn't meet my Dad until I was 4 years old. Dad's parents had 6 kids in a 3 bedroom small bungalow house. Grandma liked to keep a very clean home because to do otherwise was shameful to her. When Dad was a tween, she injure her back at work and was out of commission for almost two years. The kids tried to do the chores and keep the house clean, but they were kids. That experience definitely impacted my Dad. He was a neat freak! So much as a tiny piece of paper landed on the carpet and the whole entire house had to be vacuumed. One dish wasn't totally clean and they all had to come out of the cupboards and be washed immediately. That kind of thing.

When I had kids of my own, I felt immense pressure to have a perfect house. It took me more than a decade to learn to relax and not lose my grip over a towel in the bathroom or dishes in the sink or a coat on the back of a dining room chair. Sometimes, I still have to consciously remind myself that the world won't stop turning and my friends will still like me if there are a few dishes in the sink and a dust bunny or two under the couch.

My little sister, who is now grown with a husband and 6 girls of her own, can't go to sleep is there is anything out of place or a single dish in the sink. She obsessively cleans. The Universe will implode if someone were to come over and see a spec of dust anywhere. Every time I go to her house for a gathering, she's always stressed and she's too busy cleaning to chat and catch up. She misses out on so much just like I once did only she's in her 30's now and showing no signs of relaxing AT ALL. It's sad.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #30 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 06:03 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do.

It's no uncommon for two spouses to have a very different view of the marriage.

You are unhappy in the marriage and have told him so many times with attempts to get your needs met.

Does your husband acknowledge these problems? Does he talk about marital problems that he has? Or does he think that your marriage is good?

My bet is that he thinks that the marriage is good, or he's happy, and therefore pays little to no attention to the things you have brought up to him.

Is this accurate?
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