Not sure what to do. - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #31 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 07:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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It is! I know most understand the huge responsibility of child rearing in theory, but don't really understand the burden and blessing until they actually have a child. Many, myself included, underestimate how much choice of other parent and how healthy their marriage is can effect a kid.

I hope you understand it's not just the OCD behaviors. Even if your H could handle the grossness of the little disease vectors (Kids really are gross and they tend to bring home every bug that comes down the pike) and you were willing to do all the hands on work, think of how a child might feel getting little to no physical affection from it's father. What it would be like to grow up under strict cleanliness rules, to see Dad has a problem he won't do anything to address, to see as proper a cold marital relationship devoid of hugs and kisses freely given and received, to think a couple sleeping separately is normal.

When young children's parents divorce, the children often blame themselves. They think they did something wrong or are defective in some way and therefore the cause of the split. If your H couldn't freely offer touch and affection to a snot nosed exuberant toddler with sticky fingers, that kid is bound to feel deep hurt, rejected, and start to feel there is something intrinsically wrong with himself or herself.

Basically, the child would feel the same hurt you do without the understanding of an adult mind to buffer it even just a little.



Lord, I hope you have an awesome hot water tank and vats of lotion!



Some do ok, others not so much. My dad never changed a diaper or wiped snot from a nose or cleaned up vomit because he just couldn't handle it. He'd literally run from the room. I seriously thought he was going to have to be committed when my sister and I got Chicken Pox at the same time. Two of his brothers and one of his sisters are the same.



My mother was single when she had me and didn't meet my Dad until I was 4 years old. Dad's parents had 6 kids in a 3 bedroom small bungalow house. Grandma liked to keep a very clean home because to do otherwise was shameful to her. When Dad was a tween, she injure her back at work and was out of commission for almost two years. The kids tried to do the chores and keep the house clean, but they were kids. That experience definitely impacted my Dad. He was a neat freak! So much as a tiny piece of paper landed on the carpet and the whole entire house had to be vacuumed. One dish wasn't totally clean and they all had to come out of the cupboards and be washed immediately. That kind of thing.

When I had kids of my own, I felt immense pressure to have a perfect house. It took me more than a decade to learn to relax and not lose my grip over a towel in the bathroom or dishes in the sink or a coat on the back of a dining room chair. Sometimes, I still have to consciously remind myself that the world won't stop turning and my friends will still like me if there are a few dishes in the sink and a dust bunny or two under the couch.

My little sister, who is now grown with a husband and 6 girls of her own, can't go to sleep is there is anything out of place or a single dish in the sink. She obsessively cleans. The Universe will implode if someone were to come over and see a spec of dust anywhere. Every time I go to her house for a gathering, she's always stressed and she's too busy cleaning to chat and catch up. She misses out on so much just like I once did only she's in her 30's now and showing no signs of relaxing AT ALL. It's sad.
I'm definitely not so obsessive with cleaning that I can't sleep if something isn't done, but I do hate things sitting around and I clean the house from top to bottom every weekend. That's one thing I can't understand with him acting like things are dirty or covered in germs. I keep my house WAY cleaner than the home he grew up in. Not that his parent's house is dirty by any means, but I would say mine is a lot more tidy.

I tried talking to my husband about the OCD again last night, but it went no where. He told me he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. I guess all I can do is be patient, hope things change and if not go our own ways.

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post #32 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 07:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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It's no uncommon for two spouses to have a very different view of the marriage.

You are unhappy in the marriage and have told him so many times with attempts to get your needs met.

Does your husband acknowledge these problems? Does he talk about marital problems that he has? Or does he think that your marriage is good?

My bet is that he thinks that the marriage is good, or he's happy, and therefore pays little to no attention to the things you have brought up to him.

Is this accurate?
I think it is accurate to say that he's at least content in our marriage. When I've asked him what things he is unhappy about, the only thing he'll ever tell me is the lack of intimacy. I used to make advances to him in the past, but was rejected so many times that I don't even try anymore. He never used to acknowledge any of the marital problems I would bring up. It would go in one ear and out the other. Ever since I told him I was not in love with him anymore, he has started listening, but has not made any attempts to improve the marriage or work with me on things. He typically just gets mad at me. Communication is not a strong suit of his, not at all.
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post #33 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 07:37 AM
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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I think it is accurate to say that he's at least content in our marriage. When I've asked him what things he is unhappy about, the only thing he'll ever tell me is the lack of intimacy. I used to make advances to him in the past, but was rejected so many times that I don't even try anymore. He never used to acknowledge any of the marital problems I would bring up. It would go in one ear and out the other. Ever since I told him I was not in love with him anymore, he has started listening, but has not made any attempts to improve the marriage or work with me on things. He typically just gets mad at me. Communication is not a strong suit of his, not at all.
Well if he is not making any changes to his behaviour then he might as well not be listening to you.You have been very patient but I wouldn't waste another minute with him.
Rejecting you sexually,ocd,mysophobia,some passive aggressiveness and some real aggressiveness,ignoring your concerns about the marriage and refusing to go anywhere or do anything that interests you.He sounds like a real prize.If you are determined to try to work this out pick one of his problems and give him a timeline,maybe a month or six weeks and make it clear you want to see some real effort on his part to change and if not either leave or throw him out.It won't be hard to get him to leave just start leaving windows open or better still get a dog or cat.
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post #34 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 07:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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Well if he is not making any changes to his behaviour then he might as well not be listening to you.You have been very patient but I wouldn't waste another minute with him.
Rejecting you sexually,ocd,mysophobia,some passive aggressiveness and some real aggressiveness,ignoring your concerns about the marriage and refusing to go anywhere or do anything that interests you.He sounds like a real prize.If you are determined to try to work this out pick one of his problems and give him a timeline,maybe a month or six weeks and make it clear you want to see some real effort on his part to change and if not either leave or throw him out.It won't be hard to get him to leave just start leaving windows open or better still get a dog or cat.
Thank you for the advise and for recognizing all the issues. It gives me comfort knowing that it's not all in my head. I've decided to give the marriage until July. If I see little to no effort, I'm going to speak with an attorney. I have not told my husband this yet, but plan to within the next few days.
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post #35 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 08:24 AM
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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Originally Posted by confusedgirl7 View Post
I'm definitely not so obsessive with cleaning that I can't sleep if something isn't done, but I do hate things sitting around and I clean the house from top to bottom every weekend. That's one thing I can't understand with him acting like things are dirty or covered in germs. I keep my house WAY cleaner than the home he grew up in. Not that his parent's house is dirty by any means, but I would say mine is a lot more tidy.

I tried talking to my husband about the OCD again last night, but it went no where. He told me he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. I guess all I can do is be patient, hope things change and if not go our own ways.
I think it's quite normal to do light cleaning during the work week and only do deep top to bottom cleaning on the weekends. It's definitely not you or your housekeeping skills.

You and his family have already tried talking to him and he still thinks nothing is wrong. Have you considered demanding he go with you to at least one appointment with a therapist to get an unbiased professional opinion? If an independent, impartial, trained professional tells him he has a problem, maybe he'll listen.

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Originally Posted by confusedgirl7 View Post
I think it is accurate to say that he's at least content in our marriage. When I've asked him what things he is unhappy about, the only thing he'll ever tell me is the lack of intimacy. I used to make advances to him in the past, but was rejected so many times that I don't even try anymore. He never used to acknowledge any of the marital problems I would bring up. It would go in one ear and out the other. Ever since I told him I was not in love with him anymore, he has started listening, but has not made any attempts to improve the marriage or work with me on things. He typically just gets mad at me. Communication is not a strong suit of his, not at all.
You told him you aren't in love with him anymore and got his attention, so maybe try telling him very explicitly that he either sees a professional with you and starts doing the work to make changes or you're filing. No if's, and's, or but's.

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Originally Posted by confusedgirl7 View Post
Thank you for the advise and for recognizing all the issues. It gives me comfort knowing that it's not all in my head. I've decided to give the marriage until July. If I see little to no effort, I'm going to speak with an attorney. I have not told my husband this yet, but plan to within the next few days.
It's definitely not in your head. When you tell him, make sure you leave no room for him to minimize the seriousness of the situation. He must fully understand that this is it. Last Chance Saloon. Do or die time.

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Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
It won't be hard to get him to leave just start leaving windows open or better still get a dog or cat.


(I hope the humor isn't offending ConfusedGirl17. I'm one who tries to find humor in everything because it's often either laugh or cry in this world.)

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.

Last edited by MJJEAN; 02-03-2017 at 10:57 AM.
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post #36 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 08:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
I think it's quite normal to do light cleaning during the work week and only do deep top to bottom cleaning on the weekends. It's definitely not you or your housekeeping skills.

You and his family have already tried talking to him and he still thinks nothing is wrong. Have you considered demanding he go with you to at least one appointment with a therapist to get an unbiased professional opinion? If an independent, impartial, trained professional tells him he has a problem, maybe he'll listen.

You told him you aren't in love with him anymore and got his attention, so maybe try telling him very explicitly that he either sees a professional with you and starts doing the work to make changes or you're filing. No if's, and's, or butt's.

It's definitely not in your head. When you tell him, make sure you leave no room for him to minimize the seriousness of the situation. He must fully understand that this is it. Last Chance Saloon. Do or die time.

(I hope the humor isn't offending ConfusedGirl17. I'm one who tries to find humor in everything because it's often either laugh or cry in this world.)
No, I have not tried demanding that he see someone. I really don't like forcing anyone to do anything they don't want to. I'd much rather he see it on his own and want to go, but clearly that isn't happening. I do think I'll take the advise to speak with a professional with me. I'm also going to tell him I'm only giving it a few more months to see improvement.

I definitely don't back down when I tell him the things that are upsetting or troubling me. He does try to turn it around and make me feel guilty for him though. He does that almost every single time. I used to give in and apologize, but not anymore. I'm tired of being the one doing all the comforting and not getting anything in return.

And no, I'm not taking offense to any of this I have a good sense of humor and am always trying to find the best in everything.
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post #37 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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Originally Posted by confusedgirl7 View Post
No, I have not tried demanding that he see someone. I really don't like forcing anyone to do anything they don't want to. I'd much rather he see it on his own and want to go, but clearly that isn't happening. I do think I'll take the advise to speak with a professional with me. I'm also going to tell him I'm only giving it a few more months to see improvement.

I definitely don't back down when I tell him the things that are upsetting or troubling me. He does try to turn it around and make me feel guilty for him though. He does that almost every single time. I used to give in and apologize, but not anymore. I'm tired of being the one doing all the comforting and not getting anything in return.

And no, I'm not taking offense to any of this I have a good sense of humor and am always trying to find the best in everything.
The bolded is emotional manipulation. It's good that you aren't falling for it anymore.

Really, really, make sure he understands you are seriously going to walk if he doesn't get help AND put in the actual work required to improve. Hopefully, his love for you will motivate him to want to do what needs to be done.

If all else fails and you decide you want him to move out, but he won't go, I have 3 gross but sweet canines you could borrow!

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #38 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 11:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
The bolded is emotional manipulation. It's good that you aren't falling for it anymore.

Really, really, make sure he understands you are seriously going to walk if he doesn't get help AND put in the actual work required to improve. Hopefully, his love for you will motivate him to want to do what needs to be done.

If all else fails and you decide you want him to move out, but he won't go, I have 3 gross but sweet canines you could borrow!
Hahaha! Thanks for offering to share your dogs! I'll make sure he's fully aware of my plans. If he won't leave, I'll leave. I'm fine with that.
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