Not sure what to do. - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #1 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 02:32 PM Thread Starter
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Not sure what to do.

My husband and I dated off and on for 10 years and have been married for 4 years. We have no children together. We want them, but haven't tried to have any yet. For at least the last two years, we've been struggling. There is a huge lack of intimacy, we don't have much in common anymore and we don't communicate well. For the first 3+ years of our marriage, I tried so hard to connect with him, to share his interests and to talk things out. It went no where and was completely one-sided.

It should also be noted that my husband has an issue with germs. He inspects everything before he touches it and usually uses tissues or napkins to touch things. I've tried numerous times to get him to talk to someone about this or seek out some sort of treatment, but he does not think there is a problem. The reason I bring this up is because it makes me feel like he thinks I'm dirty. I'm a very clean person and keep a very clean house, yet he still does this. I believe it's part of the reason he has physically rejected my advances before. It's been so long since we have even hugged. It's to the point where I don't even try anymore. We don't even sleep in the same bed and haven't for at least 2 years. For the first two years of our marriage we didn't much because I worked nights and wasn't home when he slept.

My husband and I spend most of our time alone. I'm a fairly active person, I like to be hiking, biking, walking, swimming, playing outside with the dog, you name it. He likes to be inside in front of the tv. He spends the majority of his free time there watching sports or playing video games. I don't mind doing those things on occasion, but I don't feel like I should be the only one making an effort to participate in the other person's hobbies. I don't mind doing things alone, but I don't feel like it's unreasonable to want my husband there sometimes. I could count on one hand how many times in the last 4 years he has done something with me that I like to do. And even then, it has been like pulling teeth to get him to come and he complains the entire time. Then he continually reminds me of the favor he did for me by doing something with me...like I owe him. I feel like we used to have a lot in common in college, but have drifted apart and become two very different people over the last few years. When there is an event with my family, I go to those alone too. I've stopped making excuses for him. My family sees that I'm alone most of the time and some have even mentioned out of the blue that they would help me if I should ever leave my husband.

When I try bringing up serious issues (like our marriage) it gets shrugged off or he gets angry and won't talk to me. I don't know what else to do. I've tried for so long and have been pushed away so much that I've stopped trying. I feel so detached. I even told him a few weeks ago that I'm not in love with him anymore. It wasn't a screaming type of thing either, I just calmly told him over dinner one evening. I know he was hurt and I feel so bad for hurting him. It was something that needed said though. I don't think I have been in love with him for a long time, but it finally hit me all at once. The complicated thing now (other than the fact that we're married) is that we just purchased a house. I know that neither of us could afford to keep it on our own, so I worry about the money we may lose in that deal.

I'm not angry with my husband for any of this. I used to get upset, hurt and angry, but I'm not anymore. Now I'm just believing more and more every day that we're two very different people and just not right for one another. I'm going to consider marriage counseling and see if that helps. I'm just worried that we're too far gone to be helped now. I always wanted a companion in my marriage, not a roommate. I want someone I can share my interests with and do things together. Someone who makes me laugh and laughs with me. With my husband, it feels like he holds a grudge against me or something and refuses to smile or laugh with me. I can see him holding it back and I don't understand why. I'm a very upbeat, positive person, but I feel like he brings me down.

I guess what I'm looking for in this is another person's perspective. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know I have rambled quite a bit.

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post #2 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 02:39 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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When I try bringing up serious issues (like our marriage) it gets shrugged off or he gets angry and won't talk to me.
Since you have taken the time to work out the problems and your H does not respond have a lawyer draft up D papers. Perhaps he will start listening. If H decides to shrug that off see through the divorce and find a mate that respects and cares for you.

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post #3 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 02:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do.

Thank you for reading my post and taking the time to comment. I appreciate that. I honestly think that's where the relationship is headed. I just don't know if I'm quite there yet. I guess maybe I'm holding onto false hope and have a fear of change. My parents are divorced and I saw how their marriage was. I don't want to spend my life the way my mom did and that's how I feel at this point in my current marriage.
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post #4 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 02:53 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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Thank you for reading my post and taking the time to comment. I appreciate that. I honestly think that's where the relationship is headed. I just don't know if I'm quite there yet. I guess maybe I'm holding onto false hope and have a fear of change. My parents are divorced and I saw how their marriage was. I don't want to spend my life the way my mom did and that's how I feel at this point in my current marriage.
Understand you have attempted to work out the issues. You approached your H with your concerns only to be ignored and taken for granted. Perhaps not the D papers yet but the next talk will concern separation as you have made attempts to work things out to no avail.

And to add but I did not think it really matter with my first post, the OCD with dirt and having to wear a glove or paper towel....yeah...that is something I could not live with. I also think you may be right concerning the sex and your H possibly thinking you are dirty as well. That does not sit well at all. Your H needs IC for this issue. Apparently your H refuses to acknowledge this problem with dirt as well as the problem with the marriage.

Concerning how you live....that is entirely up to you. You make it happen.

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post #5 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 03:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do.

I will definitely take your advice. Unless I see an very noticeable effort on his part, I will be attempting a separation.

The OCD drives me nuts. I know that people can't help it and I have been very patient, but there is only so much a person can take. It has left me feeling hurt too many times. At some point he'll have to acknowledge that there is an issue there as well as with the marriage or else he's going to be a very unhappy person. You hit that nail on the head with him failing to acknowledge both of those issues.
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post #6 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 03:06 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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I will definitely take your advice. Unless I see an very noticeable effort on his part, I will be attempting a separation.

The OCD drives me nuts. I know that people can't help it and I have been very patient, but there is only so much a person can take. It has left me feeling hurt too many times. At some point he'll have to acknowledge that there is an issue there as well as with the marriage or else he's going to be a very unhappy person. You hit that nail on the head with him failing to acknowledge both of those issues.
Concerning the OCD, was this something that was present before marriage or started after marriage? Maybe small OCD problem that has grown into a full fledge issue that stifles not only a marriage but life in general? It appears the OCD had taken a toll on life in general for both of you. If it was there before marriage then it is kind of tough to go back as it was accepted. However, the other portion of not wanting to work on the marriage is enough to think it may be time to move on.

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post #7 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 03:10 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do.

You like to do things outdoors?

That is a dream come true for many men. You have value!

He sounds squishy to me.

It took him 10 years to marry you? Wow, what a ball of fire.

He is obstinate and sounds like a slug. The Bull Dog in his castle.

Dump him, get a Labrador or a Golden Retriever.

He has stolen 14 years of your time. Yes, YOU gave it to him. This was a major mistake.

Give him not a minute more.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #8 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 03:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do.

The OCD was before marriage, but not nearly as severe. He would wash his hands a lot, but that was it. I never noticed anything like the things he does today. He blames it on his job. He didn't have health insurance for a while and works around kids, so he tells everyone it's because of that time...when he had to be extra cautious of germs. I think that's an excuse. I spoke with a friend of mine who is a counselor and she agrees that he needs to speak with someone on that issue.

That's what I'm thinking too. That because he doesn't want to deal our marital issues as well as the fact that I'm tired of being shut down when I bring them up is making me think it's over.
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post #9 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 03:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do.

@SunCMars Thank you! You made me smile He is on the lazy side for sure and I am the complete opposite. One of my favorite hobbies is fishing and I can't even get him to do that with me. I believe that he grew up being spoiled and has a problem seeing any issue with himself at all. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I can admit my faults and work on them.

Ironically, I have a Lab! If only my man were as active as she is!
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post #10 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 03:25 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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Originally Posted by confusedgirl7 View Post
The OCD was before marriage, but not nearly as severe. He would wash his hands a lot, but that was it. I never noticed anything like the things he does today. He blames it on his job. He didn't have health insurance for a while and works around kids, so he tells everyone it's because of that time...when he had to be extra cautious of germs. I think that's an excuse. I spoke with a friend of mine who is a counselor and she agrees that he needs to speak with someone on that issue.

That's what I'm thinking too. That because he doesn't want to deal our marital issues as well as the fact that I'm tired of being shut down when I bring them up is making me think it's over.
Yes, the working with kids/health insurance sounds like an cover up to the real deep seated issue. If your H does not seek professional help then it is time to pull the plug.

And SunCmars is dead on. You like adventure and outdoors. Plenty of guys see this a great personality trait.

Give your H one more chance to work it out. If you get the "go away look" advise that separation is now the table. Sometimes you need to desire to lose the marriage to save it.


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post #11 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 03:57 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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Yes, the working with kids/health insurance sounds like an cover up to the real deep seated issue. If your H does not seek professional help then it is time to pull the plug.

And SunCmars is dead on. You like adventure and outdoors. Plenty of guys see this a great personality trait.

Give your H one more chance to work it out. If you get the "go away look" advise that separation is now the table. Sometimes you need to desire to lose the marriage to save it.
I agree with this. Based on his reaction, separation is the next step. Have papers drawn up (remember, you don't always have to sign them). Sometimes this is enough to light a fire under his a**.

To me, it sounds like incompatibility.

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post #12 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 08:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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I agree with this. Based on his reaction, separation is the next step. Have papers drawn up (remember, you don't always have to sign them). Sometimes this is enough to light a fire under his a**.

To me, it sounds like incompatibility.

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Thank you! I think that you are right. I feel like we're two very different people. I appreciate the advice.
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post #13 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 08:35 AM
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Re: Not sure what to do.

We all here hope things work out for all but sometimes things are not meant to be. Keep on posting here if you need to vent. Good luck.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #14 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 08:37 AM
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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To me, it sounds like incompatibility.

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post #15 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 08:45 AM
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Re: Not sure what to do.

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I will definitely take your advice. Unless I see an very noticeable effort on his part, I will be attempting a separation.

The OCD drives me nuts. I know that people can't help it and I have been very patient, but there is only so much a person can take. It has left me feeling hurt too many times. At some point he'll have to acknowledge that there is an issue there as well as with the marriage or else he's going to be a very unhappy person. You hit that nail on the head with him failing to acknowledge both of those issues.
If he doesn't see a problem with his OCD and doesn't see a problem with the "marriage", maybe he's happy living this way. Just because something would make you unhappy doesn't mean your H is unhappy the way you'd be if you were him.

He's not willing to work on his mental health issues and he's not willing to work on the marriage. I agree with the others, serve him either divorce or separation papers and follow through if he doesn't bust his butt to work on it.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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