Not sure what to do.
My husband and I dated off and on for 10 years and have been married for 4 years. We have no children together. We want them, but haven't tried to have any yet. For at least the last two years, we've been struggling. There is a huge lack of intimacy, we don't have much in common anymore and we don't communicate well. For the first 3+ years of our marriage, I tried so hard to connect with him, to share his interests and to talk things out. It went no where and was completely one-sided.
It should also be noted that my husband has an issue with germs. He inspects everything before he touches it and usually uses tissues or napkins to touch things. I've tried numerous times to get him to talk to someone about this or seek out some sort of treatment, but he does not think there is a problem. The reason I bring this up is because it makes me feel like he thinks I'm dirty. I'm a very clean person and keep a very clean house, yet he still does this. I believe it's part of the reason he has physically rejected my advances before. It's been so long since we have even hugged. It's to the point where I don't even try anymore. We don't even sleep in the same bed and haven't for at least 2 years. For the first two years of our marriage we didn't much because I worked nights and wasn't home when he slept.
My husband and I spend most of our time alone. I'm a fairly active person, I like to be hiking, biking, walking, swimming, playing outside with the dog, you name it. He likes to be inside in front of the tv. He spends the majority of his free time there watching sports or playing video games. I don't mind doing those things on occasion, but I don't feel like I should be the only one making an effort to participate in the other person's hobbies. I don't mind doing things alone, but I don't feel like it's unreasonable to want my husband there sometimes. I could count on one hand how many times in the last 4 years he has done something with me that I like to do. And even then, it has been like pulling teeth to get him to come and he complains the entire time. Then he continually reminds me of the favor he did for me by doing something with me...like I owe him. I feel like we used to have a lot in common in college, but have drifted apart and become two very different people over the last few years. When there is an event with my family, I go to those alone too. I've stopped making excuses for him. My family sees that I'm alone most of the time and some have even mentioned out of the blue that they would help me if I should ever leave my husband.
When I try bringing up serious issues (like our marriage) it gets shrugged off or he gets angry and won't talk to me. I don't know what else to do. I've tried for so long and have been pushed away so much that I've stopped trying. I feel so detached. I even told him a few weeks ago that I'm not in love with him anymore. It wasn't a screaming type of thing either, I just calmly told him over dinner one evening. I know he was hurt and I feel so bad for hurting him. It was something that needed said though. I don't think I have been in love with him for a long time, but it finally hit me all at once. The complicated thing now (other than the fact that we're married) is that we just purchased a house. I know that neither of us could afford to keep it on our own, so I worry about the money we may lose in that deal.
I'm not angry with my husband for any of this. I used to get upset, hurt and angry, but I'm not anymore. Now I'm just believing more and more every day that we're two very different people and just not right for one another. I'm going to consider marriage counseling and see if that helps. I'm just worried that we're too far gone to be helped now. I always wanted a companion in my marriage, not a roommate. I want someone I can share my interests with and do things together. Someone who makes me laugh and laughs with me. With my husband, it feels like he holds a grudge against me or something and refuses to smile or laugh with me. I can see him holding it back and I don't understand why. I'm a very upbeat, positive person, but I feel like he brings me down.
I guess what I'm looking for in this is another person's perspective. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know I have rambled quite a bit.