My wife wants separation - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 02:11 AM Thread Starter
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My wife wants separation

Hi guys asking for some words of advice. Myself & wife have been together for 16 years since we were young. We have had gd times & bad. I have messed up a few family events by being to drunk & this has hurt her. The relationship has not been right for a year. Before Christmas she had a one night stand, which hurt but I am willing to give it a try. We have two kids 7 & 9, which I care deeply for. We have had two marriage Councilling sessions which have been useful. She says her love for me is like that of a old friend not what it should be & cant forgive herself ATM. I have shown her nothing but love since but she is unable to give back & I have been to much for her ATM. She wants to separate to be on her own to figure out what she wants I have sorted a flat but is another 5 weeks away. I don't know if this is the right thing or just to get me out the door. I want r family & her love back more than anything. My heart is broken & can not focus on anything else which is doing me more harm than gd. She said she would like a month of peace & I think freedom & is strong willed then we will got out on a date. Help please am I being played? Or is there hope? How can I deal with this situation better? Help!!!

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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 04:14 AM
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Re: My wife wants separation

Martin, sorry for what you are going through, it's a tough place to be in. Glad you can see that you too have contributed to the mess. I have lived with an alcoholic for much of my married life and can identify with the too much drinking at family and other events and the accompanying embarrassment due to the fights, bad behaviour etc. I am not surprised your wife is very hurt if this is something she asked you to stop but you ignored her, until now when she is leaving you. Somehow I get the feeling that there is more to what you are saying here, has alcohol abuse played a big part in your marriage?

However, her response in having a ONS is seriously flawed and she should be treated like any other WS. I know you want her back but you are not going to 'nice' her back into the relationship, the old marriage is gone, the only option is a) divorce or b) rebuilding a new marriage after you both work on yourselves

Are you sure that it was only a ONS and the OM is not still in the wings, hence her desire to have space?
YOu must investigate this first.
This may seem intuitive but you have to detach and give her what she wants

1. Do the 180 on her
2. Find out if the OM is still in the picture, if he is, find out if he is married and tell his wife, chances are she wants space to test drive him while keeping you as Plan B.
3. Tell your family and friends that your marriage is is trouble and why
4. Garner the help of a close relative or friend to help you through this
5. Consider going for IC and AA if you have a drinking problem
6. Put the marriage aside for now, do not badger her, do not beg, plead, cry etc, act business like, keep things about the household and the kids
7. See a lawyer to see what your options are
8. Is she wants to seperate, you do NOT move out of your house, she wants it, she moves out!
9. Stop organising the flat, this is what she wants, she organises it, you are not going anywhere, it is not what you want
10 Build yourself up, start the gym, running, sleeping properly, eating properly. Keep the emotions at bay.

Chances are you have really f*ed up with your past treatment of her and she is a WAW wife.
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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 07:56 AM
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Re: My wife wants separation

@Martin Smith

Separation is her chance to see if the OM is willing to forge ahead in a new relationship with your wife. She separates, and they will be together every night.
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 08:03 AM
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Re: My wife wants separation

Martin if she wants to separate show her the door, you are NOT to leave the house and tell her that separation means divorce like the others here well tell you the same thing...she wants to hook up again and blame you for the separation, get angry and tel her that there is no middle ground on this...GET THIS THROUGH YOUR HEAD...you do not own the affair that was on her she is a cheater and mostly she wants to cheat again. Granted you sucked at a husband from time to time you own your own issues so get help but she is a CHEATER and remind her of that...so tell her you want to separate..fine get a place on your own and i will file for divorce...this is no time to become a doormat so she can hook up...
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 08:45 AM
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Re: My wife wants separation

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Originally Posted by Xenote View Post
Martin if she wants to separate show her the door, you are NOT to leave the house and tell her that separation means divorce like the others here well tell you the same thing...she wants to hook up again and blame you for the separation, get angry and tel her that there is no middle ground on this...GET THIS THROUGH YOUR HEAD...you do not own the affair that was on her she is a cheater and mostly she wants to cheat again. Granted you sucked at a husband from time to time you own your own issues so get help but she is a CHEATER and remind her of that...so tell her you want to separate..fine get a place on your own and i will file for divorce...this is no time to become a doormat so she can hook up...
^^^this about covers it.

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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 08:55 AM
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Re: My wife wants separation

Martin,

You have just received all the advice you need. my guess is most of those that follow will say the same thing
(1) your wife cheated on you. Do not bet your retirement plan that it was a ONS or the only time at this point.
(2) who was the OM??? Do they work together
(3) what verifiable proof do you have that it was one time. her word is useless. if she was devastated or guilty and distraught, she would be slobbering all over you to try to get you to give her a chance to reconcile. Instead, you are told to be a good little boy, and when i decide if i want you around I'll let you know. maybe in a month you'll have a chance to see me on a date.
(4) she does not indicate she wants to work on your marriage, only wants space.
LET ME BE CLEAR. MOST TIME WHEN A MARRIED WOMEN WANTS SPACE AFTER SHE HAS CHEATED AND BEEN CAUGHT, IT IS BECAUSE SHE WANTS MORE TIME FOR HER FUN, TO EXPLORE HER RELATIONSHIP WITH THE OM, AND WANTS THE OPTION TO HAVE BH TAKE HER BACK IF SHE DECIDES THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTS.

Your reaction has unfortunately been what too many men do, and that is play the "pick me" game. The minute you told her and begged her to come back, that all will be forgiven, and that all you want is her as your wife, you gave her complete control of the narrative. That rarely works well for the BH.

So my suggestion to you is a complete reversal. What you should be doing and DEMANDING , not asking for:
(1) a complete written time line of who he is, how it occurred, when, where and what it entailed. Total truth
(2) total NO CONTACT with OM. if this truly was a ONS she should be willing to gladly agree to that UNLESS THEY WORK TOGETHER. Then you have a whole new set of problems.
(3) TOTAL TRANSPARENCY . You have passwords to all her electronics. Yes, she can set up new e mails, but her willingness or unwillingness will tell you volumes
(4) Commitment to YOU and fixing the marriage.

Now, since your post did not include a lot of details, maybe i missed something, but my bet is this separation she wants has nothing to do with guilt but more to do with if she wants to stop banging other man or men. She wants time to be "free and single" and for you to be waiting with open arms when she decides.

You are making a big mistake. get to an attorney, have papers drawn up and tell her she either wants to be married or divorced, but she will not be playing the single woman and have a nice stable home to come home to if she gets sick of it.

Denial and inaction is your worst enemy. You cannot control her BUT you can control YOU. When she walks out that door or you separate you are officially in an open marriage. You really believe in a month when you ask her if she has cheated again she is going to tell you the truth. if you believe that, it is the first thing you ned to get real about.
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 09:07 AM
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Re: My wife wants separation

Have you tried discussing terms for separation, such as no dating?

You could tell her that she can have her month but if you find out there's another guy you're filing for divorce.

And you will find out.

Then see a lawyer and protect yourself...you can at least move half the money out of any joint accounts after you've paid bills.
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: My wife wants separation

She's cheated, she only loves you as a friend, and now wants a "separation".

Sir,
I say with 100% certitude based on the facts presented, that your wife no longer loves you and is looking to start a new life with your replacement, which may or may not have been picked already.
You can file now or drag out the pain. She wants a separation--- she should leave. They pretty much never return.

That's the sad truth, and I'm sorry.

Stop drinking. It will ruin your relationship if you find a non-cheater one day.
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 10:27 AM
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Re: My wife wants separation

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
Have you tried discussing terms for separation, such as no dating?

You could tell her that she can have her month but if you find out there's another guy you're filing for divorce.

And you will find out.

Then see a lawyer and protect yourself...you can at least move half the money out of any joint accounts after you've paid bills.

This advice sounds great. but how do you know this woman who has already cheated is going to abide by these terms of separation. Blind trust???? not a great idea.

if you go this route, fine. Then tell her before you reconcile, she passes a polygraph that proves she has not had sex with any other men or contact with OM while this month goes by. Her reaction alone will tell you a lot.
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 11:08 AM
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Re: My wife wants separation

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE

I repeat DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE

google "top 10 mistakes men make in divorce"

You move out thinking your helping BUT you WILL be portrayed as abandoning. You will loose the house and you will loose any custody battle. Don't loose the fight before it starts.

Every decision you make now has an impact on D. I hope your situation doesn't go there but the story is all to common. She can move out and oh by the way the kids arent going anywhere. That should be your attitude.

oh i almost forgot - DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE.

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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 11:38 AM
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Re: My wife wants separation

Saying "I love you as a friend" is cheater speak for "I've already divorced you in my mind, so it's ok for me to date other dudes and shouldn't have to feel bad about it".

Don't leave the house or let her take the kids and see a lawyer.

If you can't follow advice that sinple, you're in a heap of trouble.
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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 11:42 AM
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Re: My wife wants separation

just wanted to jump on here one more time because I forgot another simple piece of advice...

Do not move out of your house

you hope for:



but you get...


Last edited by Grapes; 02-02-2017 at 11:55 AM.
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 12:54 PM
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Re: My wife wants separation

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Originally Posted by straightshooter View Post
This advice sounds great. but how do you know this woman who has already cheated is going to abide by these terms of separation. Blind trust???? not a great idea.

if you go this route, fine. Then tell her before you reconcile, she passes a polygraph that proves she has not had sex with any other men or contact with OM while this month goes by. Her reaction alone will tell you a lot.
You don't...he's going to have to keep an eye on her.

If he decides it's not worth the trouble that's up to him.
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 06:16 PM
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Re: My wife wants separation

"flat" so I assume you are in the UK. You are really behind the eight ball to begin with so DO NOT MOVE OUT, SHE GOES TO THE FLA!!!

Put the marriage issues to the side and work on your own issues. Find a good IC. One that stresses owning your own behavior and learning to apply standards to yourself and others. Yes she is trying to side you out the door "I love you kiea brother". Well sisters don't screw thier bothers over by separating them from their children.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 07:14 PM
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Re: My wife wants separation

You're trying to nice her back and she's playing you like a fiddle. A ONS? You probably only know the "tip of the iceberg" check your phone bill.

There's nothing worse than a drunk. Get your azz to AA and stay there.

Her separation is to make more time for her other man.

No marriage is perfect. Did you go out and screw another woman because of her shortcomings?

Read up and quit being a pushover
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrBT...XLe0a3GUzDEJw-
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