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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 03:47 PM Thread Starter
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Seeking Advice

Hey guys,
This is my first post, I actually just discovered this site a few hours ago. Here is my situation..

I met my fiance when we were 19 and things were great until we hit 21, then she got pregnant. She had a baby at 16 with someone else so having another on the way at first I was horrified, then it set in and I was excited. I wanted to better myself for my family and for me so I signed up at a community college while working 50 hours a week, I reached out to he for help telling her we are not making it and I am having a hard time keeping up with everything. She went back to work at a nail salon off the books (she did not graduate HS and did this instead). Everything was fine but it still was not enough money so I dropped out of school to focus on making more money. I bounced around job to job trying to find something that suited me, while she worked 12 hours a week pulling in anywhere from 100-250 a week and that worked for us the kids had care we made the bills.

About 2 years after my son was born things really started to go down hill, I feel she got lazy ( I could be wrong) but I would come home from work nothing would be done.Her job no longer pulling anything decent in I asked her to get a part time job at a grocery store so she could walk there, she doesn't drive so we needed it to be something close so we could work out sitters and transportation she got hired and they kept scheduling her for early afternoon shifts 2pm-6pm. I told her this isn't going to work so you either need to quit and find something else or talk to them and tell them that you need a schedule to suit us better. We could find sitters but the people babysitting already babysat for other people and they couldn't drop everything to come pick up my son, so back to the nail shop.

Fast forward a little more to current months.. In July of 16 I had an opportunity come up to buy a house my father would buy it and I have to pay him the mortgage and in 10 years I need to have my own mortgage on it or I just pay him more per month, no big deal either way to me at least. Fearing this would be my only chance at a house with her I took it (I like the place and I now have a decent job so I felt comfortable with it IF she could find something 20-30 hours a week which I expressed. My fiance applies to everywhere within walking distance, public transportation around here is slow and to get somewhere 15 minutes away via car is 90-120 mins via bus. She got a few interviews but no one hired her. We really need her to be on the books to make the mortgage through a bank viable I have decent credit but I am unsure of what the future holds so I want her to be able to help me with car loans and a mortgage. She never got a job offer at least to my knowledge, she went to work with someone doing nails again but with more hours and things were great the schedule perfect the rides taken care of she is doing what she loves.. Then the place got shut down by the state oh and they have 1,000+ worth of her personal equipment in the building. I told her to call the owner explained the woman screwed you also and get her stuff back, she immediately exploded on me.

I just don't know what to do, we are 26 me and she is 27, I worked my butt off to get to the point I am today. I don't make crazy money but I make decent money where if we had a second income that would be pure profit. I cover all the bills myself but I now took on a second job so I am working 64 hours a week while she is at home doing god knows what. If I didn't take the extra job we wouldn't have extra money to put aside which we now need being homeowners.

Every time I talk to her about anything grown she shuts down jobs driving GED bills ANYTHING her response is always "JUST LEAVE THEN!". When I ask her to get some sort of resume together she doesn't do it. I went to a local beauty store for a new straight razor and they were hiring so I got her an app figuring it was right up her ally and they needed someone for nights for about 20 hours a week. When I brought it home she was angry at me.

We have no common interests we tried to increase our couples time and nothing really helped we barely speak to each other now days and if she does she literally repeats what I told her with different wording or what someone else told her(I know this because I hear it from them first). Our intimacy if there is any feels more like ok sure lets do it then that's it. She has 0 confidence in herself in every aspect of life and just nothing to really contribute to the relationship in general(at least that's how I feel). I am not saying I do not have my faults because I do, I like to play video games from 9pm-10 or 10:30 as my schedule allows then we go up watch tv and pass out. I am also kinda a stoner not everyday but I partake frequently.

I am just at a loss of what to do I love her but I am not sure if I am in love with her. Part of me wants to be with her but she has been given so many chances to improve and she doesn't. Now we have a house and I barely see my kids whenever I bring up her working it's instantly on the defensive for her. I am at my wits end I feel as though the only thing holding me back is my son, but I feel if it came down to it I would win the custody battle she can barely take care of herself yet alone a little one. When I have to hound her for weeks to get the little guy into the DR for hives all over his body then finally do it myself and miss time from work, or how her biological son needed glasses for a full year she wouldn't get him into the eye doctor I also had to take care of that and he isn't even my kid!!! I love him as he were but I can't say I feel the same connection to him as my own son.


I don't know maybe I shouldn't be writing this maybe it's me I am pretty boring of a person, but I feel there is nothing between us anymore maybe I am just tired of being lonely I am alone at work all day and when I am home the only one who really talks to me is my 5 year old. Her son is very quiet to everyone not just me you really gotta work to get him to participate.If I leave her then I am still in the same situation just without her but after 7 years she is still 14 going on 15 and I feel like I am 40
Advice???

P.S sorry for my structure I am using my phone to type this at work because I can't do it at home she goes through my devices

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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 05:49 PM
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Re: Seeking Advice

How many hours a week of real quality time do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you?

What it sounds like to me is that you have been so busy supporting your family that you spend no time with your wife. With no real time spent together, the two of you have drifted apart. This is pretty predictable.

There are two books that I think would help you to restructure your marriage so that the two of you grow back together and rekindle your love for each other.

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs", both by Dr. Harley

My suggestion is that you read both of books first and do the work that they say to do. Then the two of you read them together and do the work together.

How long have you been married?
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