Husbands DUI on the job=DivorceTime? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 12:51 AM Thread Starter
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Husbands DUI on the job=DivorceTime?

We've been married for 24 years, high school sweet hearts, have 2 teen children, several assets, rent our house from a family member and he is an alcoholic. He has worked for the state for 10 1/2 years and is vested with great retirement benefits if he goes to 20 years. BUT, he was turned in to CHP by his supervisor and subsequently arrested with a very high BAC. He has been on ADMIN leave for 31 days while he is under investigation. He drank heavily at home the first week he was off then made the decision to sober up with help from the family doctor and substance abuse counseling. He promised me he wouldn't drink anymore and I promised my full support if he stayed sober. He is drinking again just 6 days after his commitment to sobriety. He has lied to me and his counselor and I've had it. I filled out papers twice in the last 11 years but never had the guts to file them. We are financially broke and now he may have lost his job. I file for a separation or a divorce? I stick it out with him and see if the mandatory jail time will sober him up? Please help me???

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 01:50 AM
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Re: Husbands DUI on the job=DivorceTime?

I don't see the point of a legal separation.

One advantage of a divorce is that it would protect you from any financial fall out of his legal issues.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 02:34 AM
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Cool Re: Husbands DUI on the job=DivorceTime?

If this has been going on since time immemorial, then you would be most justified with following through!

You've been far too charitable with not cutting your losses much sooner!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 03:11 AM
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Re: Husbands DUI on the job=DivorceTime?

I am sorry you are in this upsetting situation.
How is the rest of your marriage? What kind of a dad is he? Are you in love with him still?
What do you want to have happen?


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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 06:04 AM
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Re: Husbands DUI on the job=DivorceTime?

I agree with @EleGirl. You should file divorce to protect yourself financially.

What you have is a drunk captain. As sober first mate, you must take over the ship and steer it away from the iceberg before the family ship goes down. In other words, you must protect yourself and the children from his negligence and recklessness. He needs serious help, the kind you are not qualified to provide.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 12:23 PM
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Re: Husbands DUI on the job=DivorceTime?

It would definitely be the last straw for me. Putting himself at legal risk and the family at financial risk would be my final straw. I actually never made it that far. I divorced my ex long before he got his first DUI in a company vehicle.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 01:32 PM
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Re: Husbands DUI on the job=DivorceTime?

Ya, how is the rest of the marriage going? You two intimate often? Kissing? Sex? If the rest of the marriage is a sham, then get out now and don't look back.

If you truly love him and can't imagine your life without him, I'd give him another try. Either way, he's on thin ice.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 02:29 PM
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Re: Husbands DUI on the job=DivorceTime?

All I will say is that I have personal experience with alcoholics and sooner or later you have to draw the line or support them with food and shelter while they drink. While he may recover, the recovery rate is about 33% so the odds are against you. Even when sober they may be mean and unpleasant people. This is just my opinion based on personal observation. My wife is still emotionally scarred from her alcoholic and violent father. I want to cry when I see the look of fear in my wife's eyes when she thinks she displeased me. Her father would beat her and nothing she did was good enough. He would quit drinking on and off, but because he missed it, was still a mean person. My wife raised her little sister and protected her. Often they had to live with my wife's best friend's parents for protection since her friend's father was a cop. My wife's two step brothers were alcoholics too and none made it past the age of 40, with one dying when he was in his late 20's. Her full brother is an alcoholic whom we have not seen in a very long time.

Then her best friend married an alcoholic and they were divorced within three years. She came home early one day and found him sitting in a bar drinking with their infant child on his lap. His wife stayed with us a lot before the divorce. She thought that having a baby with her loser husband would fix things, but it did not. After her divorce she left her baby with her mother and lived with us on and off as part of our family. My wife and her provided each other with support and love.

You have a 1 in 3 chance that he will recover so it is your decision to make. Alcoholism takes a major toll on those close to the alcoholic too. I really feel sorry for you. Even my wife had a two year struggle with alcoholism which obviously runs in her family. She would black out almost every night. I was not willing to live with her drinking, so I gave her an ultimatum of me or the booze and she knew where the booze would lead her. Both parents died before 65 due to drinking. She chose life and me and it has been 15 years since her last drink. None of her friends drink and I seldom drink, especially in front of her. I still worry about her relapsing since we are old with medical problems and the knowledge that death is close drives a lot of people in our retirement community to drink their fears and problems away. So far so good, but you need to give your husband an ultimatum or he has no reason to quit drinking. If he chooses booze over you, then you know where you stand in his life. My heart goes out to you.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 01:42 PM
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Re: Husbands DUI on the job=DivorceTime?

Choose divorce over separation.
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