I feel like I'm doing all the work - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 06:04 AM Thread Starter
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I feel like I'm doing all the work

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and are currently separated. I live in our house and he lives in our studio apartment. We eat dinner together and try to reconnect by doing things on the weekends. He moved out about a month ago due to some OCD issues I'm struggling with that was affecting him. I've apologized profusely for my behavior and am currently going to an OCD specialist to help my food and anxiety issues. My therapist and I agree that I have made a lot of progress and I feel I have as well. My husband will not move back in until I get my OCD under control. I understand that, but it may take some time. My OCD isn't the only issue in our marriage. Too many details to go into, but we are trying to improve our relationship. It seems as though I'm doing all the work. I've been reading books and learning about what causes our arguments. I've been seeking out marriage counselors and have attempting to have calm discussions with my husband. Those discussions are failing. The other evening, we had an argument that blew up. I broke a door knob on our back door and I haven't fixed it yet. As he was walking in the door, he was saying expletives about the door and asking me if I did anything to fix it. I was honest and said I didn't. I don't think he meant to accuse me of anything, but his tone was very negative. I immediately got angry. End of that evening. Last evening, I attempted to talk about why I got upset using some of the strategies I read about. I told him how I felt stupid and accused and that connected to how I always felt growing up. He thought I was attacking him and yelled profusely in my face. He said I only want to be treated like a princess. End of that evening which left me crying. We haven't spoken since.

Long story short, I'm exhausted. I feel like giving up on the marriage. I'm trying to make it work, but it seems like he thinks we can do it on our own and figure out our issues. After years of counseling for various things, I know this isn't true. I love him and love being with him, but he seems so arrogant and downright mean sometimes. Backing up, we lost our daughter 3 years ago to a viral infection. Needless to say, it rocked our world, yet we have both made huge progress with the help of God, family and friends. We miss our daughter every moment. I think we have weathered our grief as well as we can and that has not caused our rifts. It's stuff we've been struggling with our whole marriage. Bottom line is I've had enough hurt and pain and the state of our marriage is depressing me to the point that I've considering calling off work, a job I love going to.

Any advice? I know this was a lot of info.

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 07:18 AM
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Re: I feel like I'm doing all the work

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Originally Posted by ktheuerkauf View Post
My husband and I have been married for 15 years and are currently separated. I live in our house and he lives in our studio apartment. We eat dinner together and try to reconnect by doing things on the weekends. He moved out about a month ago due to some OCD issues I'm struggling with that was affecting him. I've apologized profusely for my behavior and am currently going to an OCD specialist to help my food and anxiety issues. My therapist and I agree that I have made a lot of progress and I feel I have as well. My husband will not move back in until I get my OCD under control. I understand that, but it may take some time. My OCD isn't the only issue in our marriage. Too many details to go into, but we are trying to improve our relationship. It seems as though I'm doing all the work. I've been reading books and learning about what causes our arguments. I've been seeking out marriage counselors and have attempting to have calm discussions with my husband. Those discussions are failing. The other evening, we had an argument that blew up. I broke a door knob on our back door and I haven't fixed it yet. As he was walking in the door, he was saying expletives about the door and asking me if I did anything to fix it. I was honest and said I didn't. I don't think he meant to accuse me of anything, but his tone was very negative. I immediately got angry. End of that evening. Last evening, I attempted to talk about why I got upset using some of the strategies I read about. I told him how I felt stupid and accused and that connected to how I always felt growing up. He thought I was attacking him and yelled profusely in my face. He said I only want to be treated like a princess. End of that evening which left me crying. We haven't spoken since.

Long story short, I'm exhausted. I feel like giving up on the marriage. I'm trying to make it work, but it seems like he thinks we can do it on our own and figure out our issues. After years of counseling for various things, I know this isn't true. I love him and love being with him, but he seems so arrogant and downright mean sometimes. Backing up, we lost our daughter 3 years ago to a viral infection. Needless to say, it rocked our world, yet we have both made huge progress with the help of God, family and friends. We miss our daughter every moment. I think we have weathered our grief as well as we can and that has not caused our rifts. It's stuff we've been struggling with our whole marriage. Bottom line is I've had enough hurt and pain and the state of our marriage is depressing me to the point that I've considering calling off work, a job I love going to.

Any advice? I know this was a lot of info.
Think of it like this,you can only do one thing at a time.Work on yourself and your ocd and when you feel you have that under control start working on something else.I honestly think you may need grief counselling,even with family and friends helping you,losing your daughter was a terrible blow and it could take years to get over.You both seem to have anger management problems and also need to learn to communicate without being accusatory or aggressive.Your husband needs to work on his own anger issues and may also benefit from grief counselling.
I think you need to stop engaging face to face with each other for a while,maybe a couple of months,just stick to phone calls or messaging and see do you miss each other.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 07:57 AM
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Re: I feel like I'm doing all the work

I don't think you are the only one with an OCD issue.

I also struggle with OCD, and the doorknob sounds like something that would ping me if I weren't watching for it.

The struggle you are going to have is you have to implement a boundary, even though you are struggling with guilt over your negative contributions to the marriage. Simply put, you must draw the line on him just like he is drawing the line on you when it comes to things that negatively impact your marriage. His angry outbursts are at the top of that list as well.

In order to properly do this, you must have the approach that no marriage is better than an unhealthy one. It won't be easy, because typically the person who needs a relationship less has more power in power struggles such as this.

Next time he has an angry outburst, or does something unhealthy for the marriage, try this:

"I am not okay with angry outbursts. If you can't refrain from yelling at me, and I will have no choice but to end our evening together."

Just because you have problems with OCD doesn't give him an excuse to treat you poorly. Remember, we teach people how to treat us. Start teaching him.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 08:51 AM
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Re: I feel like I'm doing all the work

I don't have any profound marriage advice or experience living separated, but I just want to say that I am so very sorry for your loss.
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