I do plan on her going to her counseling alone... and If the therapist wants me to come in I will.
Christoph, if you are still uncertain about leaving your W, I would suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. Therapists generally withhold the name of the disorder from high functioning BPDers because it usually is not in the client's best interests to be told.
Hence, your best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion, when BPD is a strong possibility, is to see a psychologist who has not treated or seen your W. That way, you are assured that he ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not hers. Relying on her therapist for candid advice during the marriage would be as foolish as relying on her attorney for candid advice during the divorce.
The 18 [warning signs] about BPD you posted--They're all true about my wife.
If she is a BPDer as you suspect and you decide to leave, the divorce process likely will get very nasty very quickly. I therefore recommend the book, Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist
How can I leave my wife to make myself happy and still come out not feeling like a piece of crap?
There are three online articles that may help. Two of them are Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD
and Leaving a Partner with BPD
. The third article is the best explanation I have found of how excessive caregivers (like you and me) get to be this way during our childhoods. It is Shari Schreiber's blog article at Do You Love to be Needed?
Schreiber argues that, due to childhood dynamics with our parents, our desire to be needed
(for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved
(for the men we already are).