Feel like my marriage is falling apart - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #16 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 06:22 PM
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Re: Feel like my marriage is falling apart

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Originally Posted by Christoph0127 View Post
I do plan on her going to her counseling alone... and If the therapist wants me to come in I will.
Christoph, if you are still uncertain about leaving your W, I would suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. Therapists generally withhold the name of the disorder from high functioning BPDers because it usually is not in the client's best interests to be told.

Hence, your best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion, when BPD is a strong possibility, is to see a psychologist who has not treated or seen your W. That way, you are assured that he ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not hers. Relying on her therapist for candid advice during the marriage would be as foolish as relying on her attorney for candid advice during the divorce.

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The 18 [warning signs] about BPD you posted--They're all true about my wife.
If she is a BPDer as you suspect and you decide to leave, the divorce process likely will get very nasty very quickly. I therefore recommend the book, Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist.

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How can I leave my wife to make myself happy and still come out not feeling like a piece of crap?
There are three online articles that may help. Two of them are Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD and Leaving a Partner with BPD. The third article is the best explanation I have found of how excessive caregivers (like you and me) get to be this way during our childhoods. It is Shari Schreiber's blog article at Do You Love to be Needed? Schreiber argues that, due to childhood dynamics with our parents, our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the men we already are).

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post #17 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 09:15 PM
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Re: Feel like my marriage is falling apart

Christoph, as many have said here, you both need to seek professional help first, then maybe things will look clearer. Set a time frame to see if things improve.
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post #18 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 10:12 PM
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Re: Feel like my marriage is falling apart

It's a mixed bag man. @Uptown has pointed you in the right direction and it wasn't u til I read some of those threads that I was like, wow, that explains it. My stbx and I went to counseling and she showed up drunk to the first one and wanted to give me a BJ in the bathroom before (it does hurt my soul to type that out since it's been like 8 months, but I digress) and the individuals appointment she used to destroy me afterwards. My ex drank a lot toward the end and self medicated. She knew something was wrong but you can't see it when it's you.

So, at the end I threw a Hail Mary. I listed the 18 points, told her I would go see a psychotherapist with her and she scoffed at me. "You are calling me crazy" and stuff like that, then deflected it back on me. That was the end of it.

You have to draw a map of possible outcomes based on courses of action. You need to have a plan for each one. You then have to stick to it. I am pretty good at sticking to stuff. I'm like a fresh boogie. Try to be like that.
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post #19 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 10:22 PM
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Re: Feel like my marriage is falling apart

As was said before, don't get her pregnant!!! She will use that kid to control you!
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post #20 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 10:28 AM
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Re: Feel like my marriage is falling apart

Just so you know, Christoph, you're not the only person who feels this way about wanting to leave their spouse. I also feel like extreme crap, so I know exactly what you're going through.

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Originally Posted by Christoph0127 View Post
I believe a separation may be inevitable deep down inside I feel like that's what i really want. But it hurts so much to even think of that and all I can think of is how distraught she will be if that happens. I know I need to put me first but I still care about her and I don't want to hurt her regardless of how much she has hurt me.. That's just the type of person I am and I can't help it.

I just want to breakdown and sob my eyes out over the idea of leaving her because I know how badly that will hurt her. It hurts me more to think about her pain than my own. Over the years I have grown pretty strong emotionally (Probably because of all the crap I've been through with her and my childhood) and I know I would bounce back from a divorce. However all I can think of is how miserable and distraught she will be from all of it and it just freaking destroys me inside to where it makes me feel like the devil because of my wanting to do that to her.
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post #21 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 10:35 AM
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Re: Feel like my marriage is falling apart

Tell the part of you that wants her to leave to summon his courage and beat the crap out of the part of you that wants her to stay.

Feeling like crap that you want to break up with her shows you are a decent caring person. She will use that against you without mercy or remorse. If you can't find it within you to protect yourself from her, she will eat you alive.

You don't have to worry about her at all. She is worrying about herself plenty. You need to worry about you. You are the only one in this relationship who could do that. Don't let yourself down.

When you can see it coming, duck!

Last edited by Holdingontoit; 02-07-2017 at 11:07 AM.
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post #22 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 10:48 AM
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Re: Feel like my marriage is falling apart

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Originally Posted by Christoph0127 View Post
My

She used her mental issues as an excuse for her actions as she usually does..
Yes, and it is a valid excuse.

Your wife is unbalanced and struggling. Accept this. Do not denigrate her for this.

If you divorce, do so with compassion.

I hope I would have the strength to bail. Talk is cheap.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #23 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 10:57 AM
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Re: Feel like my marriage is falling apart

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Yes, and it is a valid excuse.

Your wife is unbalanced and struggling. Accept this. Do not denigrate her for this.

If you divorce, do so with compassion.
+1
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post #24 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 02:27 AM
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Re: Feel like my marriage is falling apart

You also need to get counselling. Very very important. As someone who is also stuck in the guilt trap I know. It takes 2 people to make a marriage and it takes 2 people to BREAK a marriage. She can go get counselling and try her darndest to "keep you", however it's really important for you to find your boundaries with regards to this as well. A marriage can never work when one person is taking care of the other person at the cost of your "self". It sounds like you have a lot of fear over impressions and being a "good guy", and much of that is keeping you in a toxic marriage.

Children will only exacerbate the problem. You think it's hard now, wait till you have kids and she's playing the kids against you, or using them to hurt you. My experience has been that people don't change when you put them up against the wire. If they only go for counselling because you have threatened separation or divorce they won't continue and will only do it to appease you. Once they think you're adequately appeased they'll stop and you'll start the cycle all over again. Take if from me, I've been doing this for 5 years.

don't waste your time. So what you like her family, you have to live with her, and she is nasty and cruel to you.

there is nothing wrong with saying that you deserve and want more from a partner and that while you love her, and her family, that it's not working for you. run for the hills before she gets pregnant.
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post #25 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:17 PM
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Re: Feel like my marriage is falling apart

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My experience has been that people don't change when you put them up against the wire. If they only go for counselling because you have threatened separation or divorce they won't continue and will only do it to appease you. Once they think you're adequately appeased they'll stop and you'll start the cycle all over again.
Truer words never spoken.

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