Hello everyone this is my first time posting here on the site, and unfortunately it's a negative one. I can't really get solid advice without giving y'all the full story of the last five years but I will try to sum it up the best I can. (Super short summary at the bottom with minimal explanation.)
My wife and I have been together for almost 5 1/2 years.. We just celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary in December. In the beginning of our relationship it was slow and casual for probably the first couple months, and then we began having sex. Shortly after that it seemed like I was driving all the way across town (about 50 minute drive one way) everyday just to go see her and spend time with her all day. That almost always resulted in sex--sometimes several times in a day. She was my first, however she has had several partners before me.
After about 5-6 months we moved in together due to her being in a bad financial situation which i felt we weren't quite ready for, however we did it anyway because we had very strong feelings for each other and loved one another. As the time went on it seemed like she was more and more anxious with me--every little thing I did that wasn't what she wanted came with a huge screaming and yelling fight. I understood that she did have some problems because when we first started dating she told me she was on anti-depressants--which I was okay with it didn't bother me. She also used this as an excuse for messiness (House a wreck, doesn't clean up after herself, doesn't wash her dishes, doesn't clean out her cat's pan. etc.) I'm not saying I expected her to clean up after me but I at least expected her to clean up after herself.. This was also her excuse for her having a decreased libido and not having sex with me(I can understand that). However this went on probably the last 4-5 months we were there until the last month she put her hands on me (grabbed my wrist really hard to try to keep me from walking way) and I was extremely offended by this because I come from a family where my Father was physically abusive to my Mother. During that 5-6 month time our sexual activity had decreased GREATLY.
We separated and I got an apartment with my best friend--Same situation happened she couldn't afford to live on her own so after she asked me I allowed her to stay as a "friend" because I still cared about her. This turned into us getting back together. Shortly after that what I would call the "Abuse" continued. I worked nights and I would get screamed and yelled at for sleeping during the day instead of spending that time with her and accused of "not caring". This got progressively better as she got used to it over the course of a year. A year after moving into that apartment we stayed with my family for about 8 months while I finished school. During this time sex decreased more and more and the fights still continued but with lower frequency.
We then moved into the apartment we have lived in for a year and a half now. About 8 months into living here we were married and had a honeymoon. I did feel some regrets before the wedding because of all the problems we had in the past and still had. However I went through with it anyway because I still LOVED her even though I was still bitter about things. Regardless of all the things that we have fought about we have still persevered and loved each other regardless. Essentially on our honeymoon we decided we were going to actively try to get pregnant. We went about six months before seeking professional help which resulted in finding out I'm infertile--for which I am undergoing treatment for(follow up testing is this month). However regardless of us trying she is still very messy, cluttery, doesn't pick up after herself, doesn't clean her dishes, rarely cleans the cat pan (when I continuously insinuate I'm irritated about it) we agreed because she wanted the cat she would clean up after it (most of the time, i still help sometimes).
Our sex life is almost completely non existent even with our trying to conceive. We probably have sex 1-2 times a month and that's with me making sexual innuendo's and coming on to her and just trying to be sexual in any way I can think of with her every day I'm off (maybe 3 days a week I'm on a Firefighter schedule now). I would HONESTLY say probably 90%-95% of my advances are shut down, and I just feel rejected and worthless. She continues to claim that it's all due to her anxiety/depression to which she believes she's bi-polar (which may true do to her radical mood swings--i'm still okay with that). Our fights still continue almost everyday that I'm off, and I don't mean we had a minor disagreeance I mean I did something SMALL and it resulted in her getting pissed, cussing at me, raising her voice at me, when I try to tell her my side of the story she'll often tells me to shut up, talks over me, or hangs up on me.
EXAMPLE: This morning I brought her home breakfast after I got off work so she could take it to work we kissed and she left. She calls me from downstairs says she forgot her jacket and asks if it's on the couch. I tell her no I didn't see it laying on top of the couch (where we often throw our jackets). She hangs up on me rushes up stairs and digs the jacket out from underneath a pile of clothes. (My bad I didn't think that far I was in the middle of trying to schedule doctors appointments) Then as she walked out she said "Fing look harder next time" then walked out the door and slammed it behind her. Example 2: If I make plans to have breakfast with my BEST FRIEND/BEST MAN while she's at work whether I tell her about it or not--She will often call me and start a fight and tell me I don't care about her and I don't love her because I'd rather spend time with him than her (She's at work and I see my best friend maybe once a month for an hour or two). It literally takes almost nothing to set her off. I sometimes can't even calmly express my feelings and tell her that I'm upset about something that's happening or not happening or something she did without her telling me to stop talking! 90% of the fights result in her apologizing for them but then we'll have a similar fight the same day or a few days later!
I also work two jobs an average of 96 hours a week (4-24 hour days) because we're saving for a house. I spend EVERY day I'm off with her HAPPILY because I miss her--I spend almost no time for myself to be by myself or have a guys night, or hang out with my family. If I ever even insinuated I wanted to go do something without her--There would be HELL to pay. I have no problem with her coming along but sometimes you have to have time to yourself with your friends or family =(. What time I DO spend for myself--I play maybe two-three hours of video games a week, and almost every fight will include how "I don't care about her and I should just go play my fing video games because that's all I ever want to do." (Even though I'm working my tail off for both of us).
Sorry for the LONG drawn out story but this is where it comes to my problem: I feel that I stayed with a woman who has a few mental issues (I also have anxiety and depression) and I've always had feelings for her. So I've stayed with her no matter what because I didn't want to be a quitter and I didn't want to just abandon my relationship with someone I genuinely cared about just because times were rough, and I was holding on to the constant promises of "I'll be better" or "I'll change I promise". Now even though I DEEPLY care about my wife I feel like I'm stuck in a bitter, hapless, destructive, emotionally abusive, sexless, non-compromising marriage, and every fight we have or every time I feel rejected I feel more and more like cheating(which I DON'T want to do but the thought WON'T leave my head) or separating, and possibly divorcing.. Like I said I care DEEPLY for my wife and often still LOVE my wife. However I just feel unhappy, and bitter almost ALL the time. We were good the last two days where we were loving, had sex one of the days(I was at work the other), and we were just all around loving and supportive of each other. However today we're back at it again and I'm just miserable and I have no idea what I want or what I'm doing, and even if I did I feel like I couldn't leave because I don't want to hurt my wife but I just feel sad, depressed, miserable, and sometimes feel depressed enough to feel suicidal because I know if I leave it would hurt her but if I stay I'll continue to be miserable. I just don't know what to do--she knows I'm unhappy and I've insinuated I've been unhappy enough to leave but I don't. She has agreed to go to counseling for her mental issues but didn't make her first appointment because she was sick, so she rescheduled. My fear is that even with counseling this is going to continue and we're both gonna spend the rest of our lives in a crappy marriage. I just don't know what to do =\ I'm sorry for the long post guys--Thanks in advance to those who took the time to read my thread!.
EDIT: I'm also scared of the social anxieties that come with a divorce. I LOVE her family and they're very loving and kind and I hate to ruin that relationship. I also am very critical of myself and I would constitute a divorce as a huge failure in my life and I hate that!
My wife and I have been together for almost 5 1/2 years.. We just celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary in December. In the beginning of our relationship it was slow and casual for probably the first couple months, and then we began having sex. Shortly after that it seemed like I was driving all the way across town (about 50 minute drive one way) everyday just to go see her and spend time with her all day. That almost always resulted in sex--sometimes several times in a day. She was my first, however she has had several partners before me.
After about 5-6 months we moved in together due to her being in a bad financial situation which i felt we weren't quite ready for, however we did it anyway because we had very strong feelings for each other and loved one another. As the time went on it seemed like she was more and more anxious with me--every little thing I did that wasn't what she wanted came with a huge screaming and yelling fight. I understood that she did have some problems because when we first started dating she told me she was on anti-depressants--which I was okay with it didn't bother me. She also used this as an excuse for messiness (House a wreck, doesn't clean up after herself, doesn't wash her dishes, doesn't clean out her cat's pan. etc.) I'm not saying I expected her to clean up after me but I at least expected her to clean up after herself.. This was also her excuse for her having a decreased libido and not having sex with me(I can understand that). However this went on probably the last 4-5 months we were there until the last month she put her hands on me (grabbed my wrist really hard to try to keep me from walking way) and I was extremely offended by this because I come from a family where my Father was physically abusive to my Mother. During that 5-6 month time our sexual activity had decreased GREATLY.
We separated and I got an apartment with my best friend--Same situation happened she couldn't afford to live on her own so after she asked me I allowed her to stay as a "friend" because I still cared about her. This turned into us getting back together. Shortly after that what I would call the "Abuse" continued. I worked nights and I would get screamed and yelled at for sleeping during the day instead of spending that time with her and accused of "not caring". This got progressively better as she got used to it over the course of a year. A year after moving into that apartment we stayed with my family for about 8 months while I finished school. During this time sex decreased more and more and the fights still continued but with lower frequency.
We then moved into the apartment we have lived in for a year and a half now. About 8 months into living here we were married and had a honeymoon. I did feel some regrets before the wedding because of all the problems we had in the past and still had. However I went through with it anyway because I still LOVED her even though I was still bitter about things. Regardless of all the things that we have fought about we have still persevered and loved each other regardless. Essentially on our honeymoon we decided we were going to actively try to get pregnant. We went about six months before seeking professional help which resulted in finding out I'm infertile--for which I am undergoing treatment for(follow up testing is this month). However regardless of us trying she is still very messy, cluttery, doesn't pick up after herself, doesn't clean her dishes, rarely cleans the cat pan (when I continuously insinuate I'm irritated about it) we agreed because she wanted the cat she would clean up after it (most of the time, i still help sometimes).
Our sex life is almost completely non existent even with our trying to conceive. We probably have sex 1-2 times a month and that's with me making sexual innuendo's and coming on to her and just trying to be sexual in any way I can think of with her every day I'm off (maybe 3 days a week I'm on a Firefighter schedule now). I would HONESTLY say probably 90%-95% of my advances are shut down, and I just feel rejected and worthless. She continues to claim that it's all due to her anxiety/depression to which she believes she's bi-polar (which may true do to her radical mood swings--i'm still okay with that). Our fights still continue almost everyday that I'm off, and I don't mean we had a minor disagreeance I mean I did something SMALL and it resulted in her getting pissed, cussing at me, raising her voice at me, when I try to tell her my side of the story she'll often tells me to shut up, talks over me, or hangs up on me.
EXAMPLE: This morning I brought her home breakfast after I got off work so she could take it to work we kissed and she left. She calls me from downstairs says she forgot her jacket and asks if it's on the couch. I tell her no I didn't see it laying on top of the couch (where we often throw our jackets). She hangs up on me rushes up stairs and digs the jacket out from underneath a pile of clothes. (My bad I didn't think that far I was in the middle of trying to schedule doctors appointments) Then as she walked out she said "Fing look harder next time" then walked out the door and slammed it behind her. Example 2: If I make plans to have breakfast with my BEST FRIEND/BEST MAN while she's at work whether I tell her about it or not--She will often call me and start a fight and tell me I don't care about her and I don't love her because I'd rather spend time with him than her (She's at work and I see my best friend maybe once a month for an hour or two). It literally takes almost nothing to set her off. I sometimes can't even calmly express my feelings and tell her that I'm upset about something that's happening or not happening or something she did without her telling me to stop talking! 90% of the fights result in her apologizing for them but then we'll have a similar fight the same day or a few days later!
I also work two jobs an average of 96 hours a week (4-24 hour days) because we're saving for a house. I spend EVERY day I'm off with her HAPPILY because I miss her--I spend almost no time for myself to be by myself or have a guys night, or hang out with my family. If I ever even insinuated I wanted to go do something without her--There would be HELL to pay. I have no problem with her coming along but sometimes you have to have time to yourself with your friends or family =(. What time I DO spend for myself--I play maybe two-three hours of video games a week, and almost every fight will include how "I don't care about her and I should just go play my fing video games because that's all I ever want to do." (Even though I'm working my tail off for both of us).
Sorry for the LONG drawn out story but this is where it comes to my problem: I feel that I stayed with a woman who has a few mental issues (I also have anxiety and depression) and I've always had feelings for her. So I've stayed with her no matter what because I didn't want to be a quitter and I didn't want to just abandon my relationship with someone I genuinely cared about just because times were rough, and I was holding on to the constant promises of "I'll be better" or "I'll change I promise". Now even though I DEEPLY care about my wife I feel like I'm stuck in a bitter, hapless, destructive, emotionally abusive, sexless, non-compromising marriage, and every fight we have or every time I feel rejected I feel more and more like cheating(which I DON'T want to do but the thought WON'T leave my head) or separating, and possibly divorcing.. Like I said I care DEEPLY for my wife and often still LOVE my wife. However I just feel unhappy, and bitter almost ALL the time. We were good the last two days where we were loving, had sex one of the days(I was at work the other), and we were just all around loving and supportive of each other. However today we're back at it again and I'm just miserable and I have no idea what I want or what I'm doing, and even if I did I feel like I couldn't leave because I don't want to hurt my wife but I just feel sad, depressed, miserable, and sometimes feel depressed enough to feel suicidal because I know if I leave it would hurt her but if I stay I'll continue to be miserable. I just don't know what to do--she knows I'm unhappy and I've insinuated I've been unhappy enough to leave but I don't. She has agreed to go to counseling for her mental issues but didn't make her first appointment because she was sick, so she rescheduled. My fear is that even with counseling this is going to continue and we're both gonna spend the rest of our lives in a crappy marriage. I just don't know what to do =\ I'm sorry for the long post guys--Thanks in advance to those who took the time to read my thread!.
EDIT: I'm also scared of the social anxieties that come with a divorce. I LOVE her family and they're very loving and kind and I hate to ruin that relationship. I also am very critical of myself and I would constitute a divorce as a huge failure in my life and I hate that!