Christoph, perhaps your W is bipolar. The behavioral traits you describe here, however, are not those of bipolar disorder. I agree with @[B]
My god... Thank you so much for posting Uptown.. The 18 facts about BPD you posted--They're all true about wife.. So much that I have a pit in my stomach as if I realized I was married to an axe murderer(not that I'm calling her evil or saying its her fault she's that way) I'm just so shocked by all of this and it all makes so much sense now...
This is all great progress. When you brought up your issues with her did she have anything to say about why she behaves that way? Also, did she communicate anything about your behavior that is an issue for her?
I will say that the working 96 hours a week is insane. Not only is that undoubtedly draining to you both mentally and physically, but while you see it as commitment, I'd be willing to bet she sees it (at least in part) as avoidance and neglect. I know you're trying to save up for all the things the two of you want, but I'd recommend cutting that way back; at least for a time. Have you asked her about how she feels about you working those kinds of hours?
It does sound like an abusive relationship so hopefully she goes to counseling and begins to address her issues. I'd probably advise you not to go with her to one of her sessions for a while. Let her feel like that's a safe space for her to get out her feelings and work on herself and then go if she and her therapist thinks it's a good idea. She may give one side of the story for a while, but a good therapist will be able to see your side whenever you end up going in there.
Use couple's therapy as the venue for exploring the issues between the two of you. In fact, you should also get your own therapist for yourself because it sounds like you've been through a lot and even said you've thought about suicide. You'll both need to get healthy for the relationship to have any real shot.
As others have said, definitely don't bring a child into this scenario. That'll be another source of stress, another reason for you to work ridiculous hours and another thing for her to say you don't make time for and don't appreciate. The child doesn't deserve any of that at all.
I'd think about another separation to be honest, but if she's willing to go to therapy with you than see what the therapist says. It'd probably do you both a lot of good to get some space to work on yourselves and only see each other and talk about the relationship in a safe and neutral location with a trained professional.
Best of luck to you, hope it gets better!
She used her mental issues as an excuse for her actions as she usually does.. The two things she said I'm lack in is 1. I don't give her gifts as a sign of affection anymore (flowers etc.). My excuse for no longer doing this (i think) is that I've fallen out of love for her and I finder it hard to even think of doing romantic things for her when I just feel bitter towards her. 2. Is me seeking affection elsewhere when she doesn't provide (like pornography). I'm not proud of that fact but it is my way of not physically cheating on my wife whether that's a poor excuse or not that's how i feel about it.
Before I started working 72-96 hr weeks I sat down and asked her how she felt about it before ever seeking a second job. We discussed the pros and cons and both decided it'd be worth the extra money until we get settled into a new home.
I do plan on her going to her counseling alone (as I told her today) she needs to be comfortable and be able to tell them the real truth about how she feels without me there, and If the therapist wants me to come in I will.
I believe a separation may be inevitable deep down inside I feel like that's what i really want. But it hurts so much to even think of that and all I can think of is how distraught she will be if that happens. I know I need to put me first but I still care about her and I don't want to hurt her regardless of how much she has hurt me.. That's just the type of person I am and I can't help it.
Your wife has serious, serious issues, which dont have a damn thing to do with you. I am glad Uptown posted. You are not going to be able to change her, and for the love of God, dont get her pregnant. You will be abused for the rest of your life if you do not get out of this marriage. Move on and find yourself some happiness.
She actually asked me today how I felt about having sex while we work this out and I told her I don't know how I feel about it. Because I agree we have no business bringing a child into this world like this. I also reiterated to her today that if things don't turn out positively after all this counseling I will be leaving because I have to make myself happy above all else--even if it hurts me to leave her like that.
I just want to breakdown and sob my eyes out over the idea of leaving her because I know how badly that will hurt her. It hurts me more to think about her pain than my own. Over the years I have grown pretty strong emotionally (Probably because of all the crap I've been through with her and my childhood) and I know I would bounce back from a divorce. However all I can think of is how miserable and distraught she will be from all of it and it just freaking destroys me inside to where it makes me feel like the devil because of my wanting to do that to her.
I never thought I'd come to this--I run into burning buildings for a living without even batting an eye. However this is the most stressful hurtful thing I have ever had to go through that it makes me want to throw up. How can I leave my wife to make myself happy and still come out not feeling like a piece of crap?
She told me today that she often thinks that maybe she should just let me go, and part of me just wants to go YES! GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE! FOREVER! But the bigger part of me is saying NO! PLEASE STAY! I WANT THIS TO WORK!