Im new in need of advice plz - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 05:48 PM Thread Starter
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Im new in need of advice plz

Me 25ym wife 28yf..... 5 years togther married for about 6 months..... we have 2 children daughter is 3 son is almost 1....

Ok so are ralationship has been pretty good over the first couple of years. Back at the end of 2015 threw 2016 we fell on really hard time..

The houseing was horriable for us every house we seem to try to get in something was wrong with the home and we always ended up being with my parents house cuz we had no where to go.. we would lose alot of money due to dumb landlords. I always hated being at my parents house as did my wife..

I would go to work all the time and have the weekends off i would spend time with my wife but things i wanted to do every weekend. I never liked stress i never like puting worry on my wife or the kids so i would hold it in my self over long period of times. After so long of doing this and all the fear of the bills and the houseing and everything else..

Instead of talking to my wife i would push her away from me. To feel the void of that worry at home i filled it the way i wanted to fill it either spending more time by myself or doing things my self. Fishing hunting working on cars etc... as long it was what i wanted to do i was happy about it. I always had it in my head that she was nit picking me when she needed my help around the house or kids.. i just worked 12 hours days and i felt like i couldnt have a lil time to relax..

I have a high sense of energy i feel like i always need to be doing something i cant just sit on the couch and do nothing. I feel as if my wife knew this about me befor getting so deep with me. I was never the going out to public place type of guy i came from a small town and country life style.

She grew up in california the city life she took really quick to the samll town life and we both have the same goals and dreams in life.. well it seems life has caught up to me and her and while she changes for the best i changes for the worst . Every fight we would get in would always end in either me or her leaving.. either for a couple hours of weeks. Like i said i never like conflict ever..

Also over the years and my void that i was trying to feel has also pushed her away as well cuz i was never my self anymore my actions towards her were nothing but neglect annoyed hurtful etc.. the romance was gone the intimacy was gone. Everything fanished over the years.. i couldnt wake up and see that.. i was like numb to the whole situation at hand..

So it just got worst to the point of fighting more and spending less time with one another being annoyed with one another. One night we got into an argument and that was it for me. I left her i told her i wanted a divorce and i was dead set on that. So i was liveing my life working i created facebook again i was moveing on i was numb to the fact that we were so in love and i just couldnt see anything else but my freedom.. emotinally shut down.. this went on for about 3 months and i know it killed her inside from me being hapoy with out her and the things i was doing.. talking to other girls going out with my friends.. etc.

I was so sure we were headed for divorce out of those months my wife never talk to me either i got a few random emails from her and i talked to my kids but other then that nothing. I wasnt to concerned about it either. To say the least i was so done but i knew i loved her.. so thankgiveing rolled around and i went to seen my kids etc.. we talked a lil bit and bam just like that we are back togther thinking things would be diffrent this time around but nope we didnt talk about the past at all why things happen what happen we oushed it all under the rug tryed to move on as it didnt happen..

Well i should have known it wasnt going to work.. so we moved in to a aprtment togther and i could deel the change i felt weird i knew it was there. The trust she had for me was gone and the feelings were def not the same on both mine and hers. I fell back in my same old ways and she picked up on it quick.. the lack of romance the silent nights i knew that this was the end fer sure.. we did have some good times befor the explosion went down..

The explosion... as o felt weird and akward and we tried hard to make it work trying to just move on. I knew something wasnt right she started to be distint like me.. so i cheaked the ohone records and she was talking to another guy. I confronted her about it. Ahe said he was a friend i told her no but she still talked to him. I was upset hurt angry emotional rollercoaster... i pushed her for the truth over and over again. She didnt say anything at all. I kept at it then i said dumb things in the heat of the moment.. ima kill my self. I instantly regreted it and said im sorry... well the next day i was at work she went to courthouse filed an order of protection on me. I was devastated angry hurt even more..

My kids her self and the house i was kicked out to have no contact what so ever with them i went down and was granted a hearing i went to my hearing and i got my kids taken off the order. She stayed on it tho i cantact her threw the phone but no physicall contact or going to the home.. i knew it was going to get worst befor better. I since enrolled my self into ic for saying that and makeing my self a better person..

So the worst got worse for sure my wife was distint rude etc i couldnt handle that anymore i wanted the truth from her and she wouldnt five me the truth.. we would always argue over the phone an fighting non stop. Screaming at one another for divorce and actually feeling the papers out but never filed. So a week ago i said enough was enough i told her im done fighting im done arguing. Im done ever since then things have been going good.

Also looking back over the hard times i see how i treated her like garbage i was a jerk to her in everway. She is a very good wife and a great mother. During this seperation at first we were both emotional abusive to one another in are words... some horriable things on both oart in the heat of the moment being hurt u defend your self any wah possiable i guess.. aince ive been talking to my ic i have really controled my emotions my anger and my thiughts. I think i have came a lil way since this all happened. We have been talking way better togther ever since i have calmed down. Stop snapping at her etc...

I also know i had alot of demons in me these past years i def can understand her point of view on things. She felt like a slave ahe felt unloved she felt hurt and like she always had to start over everytime i left her.. she is hurt scared and devastated.. i def understand wher she is comeing from looking back at my self...

I know i have pushed her away so far and there really nothing i can do about it but change my self to make my self a better person for my kids. I have spoken with her face to face even tho the order os on when i see my kids.. when we are togther u def see the love ahe has for me the way ahe stares at me etc i dont push her on anything...
I feel like we are single right now and not married what so ever. I also feel there nothing to save from this marriage. Im looking to start over. With my self first then show her my changes and mu uncondiational love for her and my kids..

My wife has always been there for me everytime she is amazing and i faild to see that over the years she has never been a cheater of talked to other men but i feel as i oushed her so far she was going to divorce me anyway.. so when you read this think as we are single plz. I have been a jerk and whatever name u can think i have been ill admit it. Ill take my reslonsabiltys.. i think everyone has demons some people a lil more then other and there always a wakeing point to see how ur life.. i have woken up and i know the mess im in now.

Ok so we have been talking good since i have relaxed and told her no more fighting. She asked me alot of question while i didnt lover her while i was anoyed with her all the time why i was mean to her etc.. instead of arguing my case like i have one no i agreed to her feeling and i understood her pain and i told her how i acted was like a jerk and douchbag. I have no control over her. I have control over my self. I also feel there nothing to save in this marriage i feel like a redo is in order actually we both do nut not fast at all.. we think time is on are side and there no rush.

We think if we rush things will backfire i agree with her as well. She has told me she misses me very much and she thinks abiut us all the time. As well as me. There is alot ive done wrong and she thinks im not happy in my self an i need to find my happiness again. I belive it tho cuz looking back i can see my action that would make her feel that and see that..

She has a very tight wall built up right now and the trust is gone on both side ahe has said txting the guy was wrong of her to do and she told me she was sorry for doing it. I feel the seperation is beat for us right now it will acoid rug sweeping this time. I have a good plan in my head but dont know how to start it.. my plan is to show her my love and how much i cherish her and the kids.. i need to change my ways i never meant to push her away or fill neglected the way i did. I never caught my self in tome to acoid this and there only so much one can take i still have hope for the future.

I also dont know where it will lead as well it ckuld be divorce or starting new..
1 how could i start to build trust up with her ive been very nice to her and telling her my feeling vise versa her too.
2 how can i start breaking down the wall she has built up from the hurt.
3. How do i go about talking to her small talk seem weird due to the fact i want to spill the past and get past it..
..
Any advice would be greatful i know im an butthole and a jerk.. everyone has problems and i belive it is not over yet.. i belive i can fix my mistakes. As long as i take the time and heal both of us..


Last edited by Samuel2891; 02-03-2017 at 07:41 PM.
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 05:56 PM
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Re: Im new in need of advice plz

Blocks of text are difficult to read. OP can you break down into paragraphs for the readers?
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 06:07 PM
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Re: Im new in need of advice plz

No belittling here, just advice... and some of that advice may be in the form of 2x4s for your own good. Be ready for it and listen to everything.

First, You are not going to get a lot of people to read that wall of text. Take a few minutes to go back, break it up into paragraphs so it's readable. You'll get a lot more replies.

The return key is your friend.

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.


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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 06:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Im new in need of advice plz

Ok
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 11:51 PM
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Re: Im new in need of advice plz

Having kids and a wife with money problems not being able to provide a nice home for the family, will cause a lot of stress and often ends a marriage. Women cheat for emotional reasons and if you shut her off, no matter why, she will look for what she is not getting from you from other guys. Women also will cheat to find a better provider for them and their children. Not enough money is a big cause of bad marriages. Trust like love, once lost is very difficult to obtain again. It can take a very long time to regain trust and even then, it will never be the same as before. You will probably be suspicious of your wife for many years to come if you stay married. What she did will surface in every major argument.

It seems like you made a few bad life choices that are now biting you in the butt. I hate to be negative, but your wife has already shown that she is not the come hell and high water loyal kind of wife. Even if you do not divorce, the way she handles marital problems will still exist and will likely reoccur. Add your other problems to the mix and you have a real mess on your hands. Maybe a divorce might be the best path or perhaps a trial separation can help. It sounds like there is too much water under the bridge to provide a healthy marriage moving forward. Your income is still going to be a source of problems and stress. Your wife has pretty much fallen out of love with you judging by her actions. Does not look good and trying to keep someone who does not want you, rarely results in more than a few more months together. Good luck but the decision is yours to make.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 08:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Im new in need of advice plz

I got a good job now i make 20 plus and hour and all benifits. So i def can support them fer sure. Yes there were alot of problems and ahe fought for awhile befor giveing up i can see that things would surface in a big argument. I do have the power to forgive her for the decision she made.. i dont think she the type to recreate the path she took as long as she get what ahe needs from me.

I neglected her for ao long that i can see her point in trying to move on we are seperated right now and ya the marriage is not salvagable in my eyes ot over but if we can rebuild a new foundation and i act like the man i know i am i think we can have a healthy marriage and put all this behind us.. as long as we both make the changes to turn towards one another when times get tough it was a bad year for us no doubt. Everyone has bad times.. i think the strong can get past them.. are marriage wasnt all that bad we had alot of great times more then bad.

Just the stress got to us and we got into slumps and i pushed her away so far i dont know where this will lead to be honest with you it def could be divorce im not sure.. or we could rebuild a new foundation we do have two small children that arw def the hope for us.. thank you for your advice
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 09:06 AM
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Re: Im new in need of advice plz

@Samuel2891

You should at least know what a marriage looks like.

The weekends are slow here. While your waiting for more advice give this a read, it's a simple blueprint to a marriage... A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Fall in Love, Stay in Love

This is what a husband looks like... 8 Tools That Will Change Your Life

Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men

A good marriage takes two whole people. What makes you think she'll join in or do you intend to try this alone?

Best

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.


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Last edited by anchorwatch; 02-04-2017 at 09:23 AM.
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 11:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Im new in need of advice plz

Well i intend to fix my self alone.. then eventually show her my action. I know she will give in if i show my worth to her. I shiw mu unconditinal love to her.

I understand that i failed her so many time i know she misses me and she thinks abiut us all the time. I know there is always another chance i dint think the end is the end. I will fight long enough till i feel that i tried all that i can do. I cant be the one that is rude to her cuz over the years i have pushed her away. We have alog of love and i know we can build the foundation back up with a stronger marriage and brand new one. As well i always think a start over is good every now and again and sometimes u need to fall down to pick your self back up. This has been a kick in my face for me im strong enough to stand up and fight..
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 11:57 AM
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Re: Im new in need of advice plz

OP, don't fix yourself for her or the relationship. Fix yourself for YOU. If the relationship can handle the changes in you, good. If it doesn't still good.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 12:00 PM
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Re: Im new in need of advice plz

Go get counseling. If you fix yourself to show her, you'll regress worse if she rejects you. Fix yourself to be a better person and only for that reason. If the marriage comes back together that's a happy result. If it doesn't, you'll be a better person in your next relationship.

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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 12:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Im new in need of advice plz

Very true im fixing my self for me and my children. Im just showinf her my new actions. I have controled my emotions very well latley and no more fifhting argueing which is a huge step for me. I have foten rejected by her alot and i used to flip out. Now not anymore i dont get upset i dont argue. I accept it and i still proceed on my own happyness im just fighting for my marriage as well.. i dont see anything wrong with that. ..
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 12:22 PM
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Re: Im new in need of advice plz

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Originally Posted by Samuel2891 View Post
Very true im fixing my self for me and my children. Im just showinf her my new actions. I have controled my emotions very well latley and no more fifhting argueing which is a huge step for me. I have foten rejected by her alot and i used to flip out. Now not anymore i dont get upset i dont argue. I accept it and i still proceed on my own happyness im just fighting for my marriage as well.. i dont see anything wrong with that. ..
The problem is when you are fighting for your marriage you are limiting your potential to what is "allowed" in the marriage. Better to work on you for you than to restrict who you can be or what you may have due to a marriage or a relationship. As I said, if your marriage survives the changes to you, great. But if it doesn't it is still great. Because that relationship would not have satisfied you in the long term anyways.
There is nothing wrong with any of the changes you have made, but for them to become permanent , you should make those changes because you want them. Not because some one else expects them. Because that some one else, will be somebody different all the time with a whole new set of expectations.
That is why I say do it for YOU, with no outside influences or restrictions.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 12:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Im new in need of advice plz

Yes... i understand there is no outside influence. My wife is not telling me to do any of this to be honest idk where we are going to lead it could be divorce. It could be not. Im in a good place im not depressed im still hurting a lil bit. Im get stronger everyday.
The only people im changeing for are my kids. My kids dont need me running on my emotions all the time or arguimg with there mother i dont want to put my kids in the middle.

I def am doing this for my self whatever happen in the marriage happen i know ilk be better person for my kids one day. Im nor ready to move on just yet prob not for awhile but when it happen ill be better person.
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