Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Southern USA, but longtime NYC boy prior to our move.
Re: In limbo - trying to save marriage
It sound like you two are learning how to get along with each other. What about regaining love? Love is funny in that it cannot be willed into or out of existence. No amount of counselling can make someone love another if there is no spark left to fan. Many couples stay together for the children and because the alternative is not an attractive option to them. You are in the same boat as many other married people I have known. I wish you lots of good fortune and success.
As far as your wife's affair goes, most who get caught cheating will minimize the affair. Normally an affair does not jump right into a major lie and deception right off the bat. That is more of a thing that happens after a couple has been together for a length of time. I know this from both sides of the fence but that is in the very distant past. Men cheat for just the sex while women cheat for emotional reasons. So you need to find out what those reasons are and without couples counselling that is difficult to do because each of you is only giving your side of the story. The other thing is that cheating wives often place the blame on their husbands and some husbands do not want to think of other reasons why their wife cheated, and will end up blaming themselves for it, or a good part of it. Cheating is never a solution to a marital problem and the danger is your wife's way of handling such problems. I only say this because you post seemed to be beating yourself up about your wife's affair. She cheated, not you and if there was a reason she should have talked to you. Having a wild weekend of sex with someone else is not a cure for what is bothering you. Not at all.
After 44 years of marriage I have gone through it all. I have an ex fiancee and one other girlfriend before I met and married my wife. Both the ex fiancee and girlfriend cheated so it made me distrustful of women. That and having a few married women try to seduce me into having sex with them, left me with a healthy amount of distrust for my female lovers. Yet, I have seen couples like you make it work moving forward. It is not easy, especially when cheating is involved, but still possible. I hope you make it work for you. Your wife seems to want it to work too. My main concern is love is elusive and while you can learn to life together in harmony, the love is difficult to regain.
My wife once told me that she did not think she loves me and what we did was have sex a lot more. Sex releases Oxytocin which emotionally bonds a couple together. It worked for us. At first we just laid in bed together. That led to cuddling after a week or so. Then it turned into making out and finally full blown sex. Eventually we found ourselves in love all over again things are actually better than before. I wish the same for you no matter how you accomplish it.
Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.