Can I split my wife from her lover with a bribe? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 12:57 AM Thread Starter
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Can I split my wife from her lover with a bribe?

I’ve just found out that my wife doesn’t love me anymore and is in love with a colleague from work. She says, and I believe, that it’s just been an emotional affair so far but there’s nothing I can do to change her mind. I feel that I could bring her around if I could get this man out of the way. I presume he won’t stop if I just ask nicely. Anything ‘unseemly’ is likely to push them together.

I have one crazy idea and would like a pro/con sounding board. By luck, I’m financially well off, i.e. I was able to retire at 40 with a few million in the bank. The other man has just gone through a messy divorce and has financial issues. When I confront him at work with the calm ‘I know what you’ve been doing and it has to stop’ speech, should I be prepared to follow it up with a ‘What’s my wife worth?’ question. ‘What would it cost for you to stop seeing her?’. I mean, it could be that he really loves her and no money will stop him. That I’d even asked the question would come back to my wife. On the other hand, I could easily offer him a years salary in cash, which would allow him to immediately resign, higher a few high class hookers, or anything else he wanted. For me, it would be cheaper than a divorce and I really have little blame for my wife and want her back.



So, the background story. We’ve been together for 17 years, married for the last 5 and 1 daughter who’s just turned 3 years old. We’ve had a rocky time since my daughters birth, first with the stress of raising a child followed closely by the sudden deaths of my wife’s mother and my father. We struggled to find the intimacy with sex stopping 6 months after my daughters birth, and this progressed to lack of polite conversation. Yes, we talked about all the practical stuff, but few goodnights, good mornings or talk over dinner. We both tried to avoid confrontation.

4 months ago, my wife finally said she wanted a divorce, and would I go to counselling with her. I agreed, and after our first joint session we were told we each needed 3 individual sessions to deal with our anger and grief before returning together. This took us up to mid December, by which time the reality of facing separation had shocked me. I made the early mistake of blurting out too much man-splaining, and tried to physically reconnect by asking for a kiss - completely rejected. In the weeks leading into Christmas I read many (many) self help/stop the divorce references, so when on 27th December my wife said she really wanted to separate and wouldn’t consider more counselling, I was much more prepared. I listened calmly, asked questions to really get her to open up, and told her that whilst I still wanted to save our marriage, I understood what she was saying and would help her with what she needed.

Since then, we’ve still been living together whilst my wife says she’s searching for an apartment, but I feel we’ve really been reconnecting. Mainly this is around joint activities with our daughter ( previously we were separately taking her to activities ), but also with normal caring actions. Physical connection was still off limits and I respected this, but early on I noticed I could capture a lot more eye contact, almost flirting like.

Last weekend we ended up taking my daughter to the beach, and followed up in an Italian restaurant where we’d go when we first dated. It felt good to me, but I saw my wife was still uncomfortable. The next evening, after spending the day alone with her brothers family, she said that it was just too much. That everything I was doing was perfect, and if I’d just been like this 6 months ago we’d have been fine, but it was just too late. I’d made a classic mistake, and backed off a little whilst keeping all the normal conversation in place.

On Thursday, I noticed my wife had left her lunch behind on the kitchen table, so I thought I could take it to her work. I hadn’t visited her there for more than a year. As I entered the building I saw one of her work colleagues that I know well. He gave a very abrupt ‘Hi’ as he headed off in the other direction pulling out his phone. Just before I got to my wife’s office she walked out to meet me, I asked how she knew I was there and she said that ‘Bob’ called her to let her know. I passed over the lunch, we had a quick coffee/small talk together and she went back to work.

The fact that ‘Bob’ had her on speed dial bugged me. At dinner, my wife noticed something was up with me, and when she asked I said ‘don’t you think it’s strange that Bob would call you when I approach your office? And barely acknowledge me?’ She laughed it off with a ‘not really’.

However, after my daughter was put to bed, I got the confession. She didn’t love me anymore. She loved Bob. I asked when the affair started, and she told me 5 months ago, just after his divorce came through. My wife had been there to listen to his problems, and she’d opened up to him about ours at home. I don’t believe it progressed to a sexual affair. My wife says she genuinely has been trying to save our marriage, but has now come to the conclusion that she can’t. Of course, it would have helped greatly if I’d known for the past 4 months that there was another man ‘counselling’ her all day at work.

The next day she removed her wedding ring. I kind of collapsed when I saw. After recovering for a few hours, I told her that I can forgive everything that’s happened in the past but the affair has to stop. However, having just checked her phone logs/messages ( for the first time ), there’s been quite a few long calls to Bob in the past few days, and almost none before that. Her message history has very few messages to Bob, and the ones that are there are work related or largely supportive types ( good luck tonight <3 etc. ). This supports my feeling that this has been an emotional affair and she ‘thinks’ she’s really tried to save our marriage. Which is of course impossible with the recently divorced sex starved ‘friend’ she shares an office with. And now loves.

So back to the question up top.

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post #2 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 01:09 AM
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Re: Can I split my wife from her lover with a bribe?

Dr. Sceptic has a couple questions...

1. A year's salary as bribe is peanuts compared to what your soon to be ex wife will collect as part of the divorce proceedings, am I missing something?

2. If you have saved a few million and retired at 40, why does she work at an office job? Her choice?

3. How much more of a notice do you need from her to be convinced it's over?
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post #3 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 01:20 AM
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Re: Can I split my wife from her lover with a bribe?

This is silly why would you want her. Save your money and find someone better.
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post #4 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 01:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can I split my wife from her lover with a bribe?

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Dr. Sceptic has a couple questions...
1. Yes, my wife would legally get a couple of million in assets if she wanted. She tells me that she doesn't want anything. She also says that 'Bob' doesn't know our full financial status ( to most people, I still make an income as a self employed software engineer ). I actually want to save my marriage, and worry that offering a bribe could make things worse ( push them together ). I think if he left the scene she'd be broken hearted and would need support. We still live together and have a 3 year old daughter.

2. She likes her job. Yes, it's in an office of a research institute and she's a physicist.

3. Oh, I'm convinced it's over as far as she's concerned. I don't want it to be over. I think someone else took advantage of her vulnerable emotional state. A divorce would loose me a wife I still love and access to my daughter who I want the best for.


My questions really are what are the downsides of trying this. What are the chances that someone would accept? What's my starting/ending point ( I'd say my marriage is worth millions, but I won't be paying that to this jerk )
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post #5 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 02:03 AM
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Re: Can I split my wife from her lover with a bribe?

Don't believe when she says she does not want money...

Let her go to Bob, then use the money for top legal advice and go for custody.

Think of if from her standpoint. Nothing to lose in a divorce. Everything to gain.
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post #6 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 02:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can I split my wife from her lover with a bribe?

I believe her at the moment. She's not even pushing for divorce right now, just separation. Of course, once separated and with Bob, Bob will know all about our financial situation and will then convince her that she should go for at least her legal 50% in a divorce. Which will resolve his financial problems caused by his own divorce.

So, I'm kinda taking a gamble here...

1. Let her go, and risk everything in a divorce settlement

2. Try the bribe approach but get turned down by Bob as it's 'true love'. He now knows I can afford much more than I actually offered. He'll feel insulted by the bribe, and convince my wife to push for an expensive divorce.

3. He is actually after the money and sex. He'll accept a reasonably high offer, tell my wife he never loved her and leave town. Wife is devastated, I offer broad friendly comfort, she sees that she's made a big mistake. I fix the problems that I caused in the marriage.

Trouble is I don't know his true intentions.
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post #7 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 03:46 AM
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Re: Can I split my wife from her lover with a bribe?

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1. Let her go, and risk everything in a divorce settlement

2. Try the bribe approach but get turned down by Bob as it's 'true love'. He now knows I can afford much more than I actually offered. He'll feel insulted by the bribe, and convince my wife to push for an expensive divorce.

3. He is actually after the money and sex. He'll accept a reasonably high offer, tell my wife he never loved her and leave town. Wife is devastated, I offer broad friendly comfort, she sees that she's made a big mistake. I fix the problems that I caused in the marriage.

Trouble is I don't know his true intentions.
4. He tells your wife, they fake a break up and take your money. In the end your money is gone and your wife too.

5. Your wife finds out and leaves you.

6. Your wife leaves you regardless.
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post #8 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 04:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can I split my wife from her lover with a bribe?

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4. He tells your wife, they fake a break up and take your money. In the end your money is gone and your wife too.

5. Your wife finds out and leaves you.

6. Your wife leaves you regardless.
4. Yes, but this would only be the money I'm prepared to gamble on the bribe anyway. Need to consider a results based staged payout. ( 20% for the breakup, 20% to leave the job, the rest in monthly instalments )

5. Yep, if she finds out and the money isn't taken, it will probably blow the 1% chance of reconciliation I'm currently facing. If he takes the money, and doesn't tell her, I'll make sure she finds out. Her view of him will be blown. I can argue I was trying to prove his motivations.

6. So, bribe taken, Bob disappears and wife still leaves of her own accord at some later date. Yep, I'd still give that a 50% chance which is better than 99.9% chance I face today.


So, plan for today. I know where he use to live and presume his wife is still there. If it was a messy divorce, she may be interested in helping make his life messier. Or at least give me tips on whether money could be a motivator and how much he'll need.
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post #9 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 05:09 AM
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Re: Can I split my wife from her lover with a bribe?

Have you done any exposure on the affair? I doubt it's just an Emotional Affair. Cheaters lie a lot.

You are like every betrayed spouse who comes here wanting to believe the lies. Because you just can't accept the obvious.

Is a sexual affair a dealbreaker for you? That's what this is. You don't separate from a marriage from just talking.

Get out of your denial. Quit burrying your head in the sand.
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post #10 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 05:22 AM
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Re: Can I split my wife from her lover with a bribe?

The bribery scheme makes you seem weak and pathetic. Very unnattractive to a woman.

Don't do the pick me dance. It has the same results.

The ones who come out of these situations best get strong and stay there. Go your own way.

Hard 180, no contact with your wife except for business or the kid. Dont answer her calls direct. Keep your texts short and to the point. Don't worry about losing her she's already gone. Your actions right now as in getting strong and taking yourself out of the infidelity/equation is your best path at this time.

If you chase them it pushes them farther away. No contact has the opposite affect. You are doing what every betrayed spouse does upfront. Trying to nice them back, the infamous "pick me dance", etc which never works. They are ahead of you. Better wake up.

See a good attorney and go for primary child custody. I'd also put a Pi on this if adultery is a consideration in your state. If you can get and download her phone (deleted text recovery) or a VAR in her car you'll find it's been a physical affair all along.

Protect yourself financially.

Everything for the last 6 months or so has been a lie hasn't it. You can't trust her. Quit believing everything she's telling you.

He may not even be divorced. Call Bob's wife and get the full story

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post #11 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 05:41 AM
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Re: Can I split my wife from her lover with a bribe?

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Originally Posted by Consider View Post
4 months ago, my wife finally said she wanted a divorce, and would I go to counselling with her. I agreed, and after our first joint session we were told we each needed 3 individual sessions to deal with our anger and grief before returning together. This took us up to mid December, by which time the reality of facing separation had shocked me. I made the early mistake of blurting out too much man-splaining, and tried to physically reconnect by asking for a kiss - completely rejected. In the weeks leading into Christmas I read many (many) self help/stop the divorce references, so when on 27th December my wife said she really wanted to separate and wouldn’t consider more counselling, I was much more prepared. I listened calmly, asked questions to really get her to open up, and told her that whilst I still wanted to save our marriage, I understood what she was saying and would help her with what she needed.

Since then, we’ve still been living together whilst my wife says she’s searching for an apartment, but I feel we’ve really been reconnecting. Mainly this is around joint activities with our daughter ( previously we were separately taking her to activities ), but also with normal caring actions. Physical connection was still off limits and I respected this, but early on I noticed I could capture a lot more eye contact, almost flirting like.

Most women can't love two men at the same time. She won't have sex with you because she's screwing Bob. Wake up!!!!



Last weekend we ended up taking my daughter to the beach, and followed up in an Italian restaurant where we’d go when we first dated. It felt good to me, but I saw my wife was still uncomfortable. The next evening, after spending the day alone with her brothers family, she said that it was just too much. That everything I was doing was perfect, and if I’d just been like this 6 months ago we’d have been fine, but it was just too late. I’d made a classic mistake, and backed off a little whilst keeping all the normal conversation in place.

On Thursday, I noticed my wife had left her lunch behind on the kitchen table, so I thought I could take it to her work. I hadn’t visited her there for more than a year. As I entered the building I saw one of her work colleagues that I know well. He gave a very abrupt ‘Hi’ as he headed off in the other direction pulling out his phone. Just before I got to my wife’s office she walked out to meet me, I asked how she knew I was there and she said that ‘Bob’ called her to let her know. I passed over the lunch, we had a quick coffee/small talk together and she went back to work.

The fact that ‘Bob’ had her on speed dial bugged me. At dinner, my wife noticed something was up with me, and when she asked I said ‘don’t you think it’s strange that Bob would call you when I approach your office? And barely acknowledge me?’ She laughed it off with a ‘not really’.

All lies. She was playing and is still playing you.

However, after my daughter was put to bed, I got the confession. She didn’t love me anymore. She loved Bob. I asked when the affair started, and she told me 5 months ago, just after his divorce came through. My wife had been there to listen to his problems, and she’d opened up to him about ours at home. I don’t believe it progressed to a sexual affair. My wife says she genuinely has been trying to save our marriage, but has now come to the conclusion that she can’t. Of course, it would have helped greatly if I’d known for the past 4 months that there was another man ‘counselling’ her all day at work.
Read up you need this now!!!!!
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrBT...oDD3lLjLtczb8-
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post #12 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 05:47 AM
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Re: Can I split my wife from her lover with a bribe?

No marriage is perfect. This affair is all on your wife.

Typical cheater script is to blame it on the spouse. She is using any excuse to justify her action but there aren't any. She's not perfect either is she? Did you go out and have an affair over it?

Quit being played and taking the blame for this. She's playing on your weakness.

Wake up!!!!!
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post #13 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 06:05 AM
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Re: Can I split my wife from her lover with a bribe?

You need to talk to a lawyer now. If she says she doesn't want anything... she will. Use her fog of being in lurve with Bob to your advantage.

Let her think emotionally, you think strategically.

----
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post #14 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 07:10 AM
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Re: Can I split my wife from her lover with a bribe?

I would love to see the legal contract! I promise not to bonk your wife in exchange for $1mil" That's a contract that would be passed around the attorneys office for a good laugh.

Do you think that money will buy back your wife's love? She's gone. I think you would be better off paying her money to leave.
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post #15 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 07:23 AM
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Re: Can I split my wife from her lover with a bribe?

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Originally Posted by john117 View Post
Don't believe when she says she does not want money...

Let her go to Bob, then use the money for top legal advice and go for custody.

Think of if from her standpoint. Nothing to lose in a divorce. Everything to gain.
this !!!!

She knows she will collect so she thinks she will get away with cheating on' Consider ' and he will sit there and take it because he's afraid of loss.

Just think about it this way, Consider. Take half of what you have and plan with that. Get a bulldog of an attorney and fight and maybe you can move on with half. Hopefully more. Then never get married again as you will be worth too much to trust someone else that close to you
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