Time to move on? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #16 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 08:10 PM
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Re: Time to move on?

She sounds like she is suffering from mental illness. Extreme OCD, escalating violence, denial of her culpability ("never speak about this again")... she needs a shrink and you need to vamoose on out of there.

P.S. You're a grown man. You can use the d*mn bathtub any time you d*mn well please!


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post #17 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 08:15 PM
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Re: Time to move on?

My ex-wife hit me a few times and hard. I should had left then. You should leave now. It will only get worse. Don't be like me and think time will make it better, it will not. It will just make it worse.
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post #18 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 08:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time to move on?

Just a final comment...

I have spoken to an attorney already and have started moving my personal things into a storage unit close to home.

I'm struggling however with deciding on the best way to announce my "departure".

I go back and forth in my head between, a) writing her a letter explaining why I'm leaving to b) simply having her served and deal with the aftermath, hoping for the best/preparing for the worst.

Ugh. Keeps me up at night.
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post #19 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 09:12 PM
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Re: Time to move on?

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I go back and forth in my head between, a) writing her a letter explaining why I'm leaving to b) simply having her served and deal with the aftermath, hoping for the best/preparing for the worst.
I vote for the latter. Make a clean cut, get safely away, deal with the aftermath through legal channels including the police if necessary.

Very good that you are preparing...

"Love is chemicals masquerading as choices!"
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post #20 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 09:25 PM
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Do you have a sister or mother or a close female friend? Picture one of them confiding in you what you just confided in all of us here. Youd tell her to call the police IMMEDIATELY and protect herself by getting as far away as possible from their abuser. I'm giving you the same advice.

I know it's taboo for men to admit they are abused, but you are being physically abused. Every year "nice" "sweet" spouses with an unstable tempers lose it and murder their partners in a rage. You do not want to lose your life because you chose to roll the dice and trust that she wouldn't go over the line.

When your wife snaps she sees red. Sue cannot control her actions as it stands now. She needs help. If it were me I'd separate until she completed an anger management program. Then I'd live separately until I knew she was changed.
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post #21 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 09:57 PM
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Re: Time to move on?

Sounds like it's way past time.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #22 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 08:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time to move on?

Hi all,

Just checking in to say how much I appreciate everyone's comments. It just reconfirms everything I've been thinking and helps to get some objective feedback.

BTW, I've decided to go ahead with our vacation plans since things are pretty "stable" at the moment.

When we return in early March, I'll be meeting with my attorney again to come up with an "exit plan". It's a very sad situation.
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post #23 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 10:38 PM
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Re: Time to move on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Edward333 View Post
My wife has had a somewhat bullying and controlling personality most of our marriage.
Edward, I agree with @happy as a clam that you're describing red flags for a mental disorder. Many behaviors you describe -- i.e., temper tantrums, verbal and physical abuse, controlling actions, lack of impulse control, emotional instability, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

I caution that BPD is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits them at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as strong verbal abuse, very controlling behavior, and irrational jealousy.

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She recently (last 18 months or so) became physically abusive/destructive during our arguments.... she has started punching me and destroying things in my office... she broke 2 of my guitars, a lamp, a neon sign, and gave me a bloody lip and left a visible bruise on my right cheek. In the heat of anger, she also motioned to try to get into my gun safe.
"Intense, inappropriate anger" is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. It therefore is not surprising that the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between domestic violence and BPD.

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She's can be a very sweet and loving person most of the time, but has a serious anger management problem.
BPDers generally are not bad people. Their problem is not being bad but, rather, unstable. Moreover, a large share of them are very easy to fall in love with. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

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She (predictably) has a major blowup about every 3 or 4 months.
Similarly, my BPDer exW had major blowups about that frequently. In addition, there usually were minor hissy fits every several weeks.

Quote:
She definitely has other OCD type issues going on.
If she is a BPDer, that would not be surprising. A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that a fourth of the female BPDers also suffer from co-occurring OCD. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

Quote:
Our friends and family have no idea what is going on.
If your W is a BPDer, that is to be expected. The vast majority of BPDers are very high functioning people who typically get along fine with casual friends, business associates, clients, and strangers. None of those people is close enough to the BPDer to trigger her fears of abandonment and engulfment.

There is no close relationship to be abandoned. And there is no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment (wherein she will be convinced that YOU are controlling her). Those two fears will be triggered only by the few people who draw close and try to establish a close LTR. Because they are close, they will start triggering the BPDer's fears and she will eventually push them away. This is why BPDers usually have no close long-term friends unless they live a long distance away.

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Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated.
As @3Xnocharm stated, "You should get out, like yesterday!" I also agree with @Ursula that you should take the dogs with you. And I agree with the other respondents that you should divorce if she is unwilling to obtain professional help.

Yet, if you are still reluctant to leave her, I recommend that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

Learning to spot these red flags will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Only a professional can determine whether her BPD traits are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her.

An easy place to start reading is my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Edward.
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post #24 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 11:26 PM
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Re: Time to move on?

Edward,

The safe play is - you move out and leave her a letter. And the next time you meet - it is in a public place. Maybe a week later. This will give her time to calm down. But you also record your meeting.

Give her a week - she will have time to think about the money. You can buy visitation with the dogs.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Edward333 View Post
Hi all,

Just checking in to say how much I appreciate everyone's comments. It just reconfirms everything I've been thinking and helps to get some objective feedback.

BTW, I've decided to go ahead with our vacation plans since things are pretty "stable" at the moment.

When we return in early March, I'll be meeting with my attorney again to come up with an "exit plan". It's a very sad situation.
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post #25 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 12:41 AM
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Re: Time to move on?

I think you know what to do. This is like the last post I wrote which stated that for some reason the spouse is grasping for straws in order to avoid doing what he/she knows what must be done. You paint yourself as a battered beta male who is suffering from abusive spouse syndrome. You should have been calling the police a long time ago but it seems you are afraid to do anything but document things. The only documentation that will stand up in court is a police report and you never mentioned calling the police. Just trying to get at your guns would have put her in jail for a while and good grounds for a divorce. You do not have kids and you apparently will put up being beaten for the sake of your dogs? I would never ask for advice from strangers given your circumstances. Sometimes I do not know reality from trolling, but will accept your post as real since it is a serious situation. Of course you divorce her. It is obviously the best solution.


Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #26 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 02:01 AM
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Cool Re: Time to move on?

Late to the party again, but it's time for you to get the hell out of Dodge right now ~ for your own personal sanity and perhaps even for your physical well-being!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #27 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 03:55 AM
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Re: Time to move on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Edward333 View Post
we do 3 - 5 loads of laundry per day.
How is that even possible? Is she washing clean clothes? How many clothes can a person wear in a day?


Quote:
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she keeps 5 to 7 paper towel rolls out on the kitchen counter (?). If I remove 1, she replaces it.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot????

Has she seen a doctor for this? She sounds mentally ill. Which may tug at your co-dependent heart strings, but the fact that she has EVER become physically violent with you and not sought anger management help shows that she is not trying to do anything about her problems.

I'm with the others in that I think you should take the dogs with you.

I do understand the fear of her committing suicide though. She does not sound stable. But you can't be sentenced to a life in prison because of her problems that she is not addressing. Have you asked her to see a Dr. about her OCD?

When you do leave, plan it out well in advance. She could become dangerous. It's not like she can't get her hands on another gun just because you've removed yours from the home. Or a knife. Or all kinds of things. It sounds like her violent episodes are not pre-meditated right now, so her plotting to find a gun and kill you is probably not a concern. But if you leave her and she is not stable, there is no telling how she might react.
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post #28 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 10:25 AM
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Re: Time to move on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Edward333 View Post
Hi all,

Just checking in to say how much I appreciate everyone's comments. It just reconfirms everything I've been thinking and helps to get some objective feedback.

BTW, I've decided to go ahead with our vacation plans since things are pretty "stable" at the moment.

When we return in early March, I'll be meeting with my attorney again to come up with an "exit plan". It's a very sad situation.
This is a mistake - Dont wait, theres literally no reason to wait. Hell.. go on the vacation without her - i bet you have a better time!
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post #29 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 11:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Time to move on?

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I think you know what to do. This is like the last post I wrote which stated that for some reason the spouse is grasping for straws in order to avoid doing what he/she knows what must be done. You paint yourself as a battered beta male who is suffering from abusive spouse syndrome. You should have been calling the police a long time ago but it seems you are afraid to do anything but document things. The only documentation that will stand up in court is a police report and you never mentioned calling the police. Just trying to get at your guns would have put her in jail for a while and good grounds for a divorce. You do not have kids and you apparently will put up being beaten for the sake of your dogs? I would never ask for advice from strangers given your circumstances. Sometimes I do not know reality from trolling, but will accept your post as real since it is a serious situation. Of course you divorce her. It is obviously the best solution.
Definitely not a troll here.

I wouldn't consider myself a "beta" male necessarily (not anymore at least). However, there's no doubt that my self confidence is MUCH higher now than it was early in our marriage. The last 2 years or so, for a number of reasons, I've "woken up to reality" and started standing up to my wife's outbursts and she's obviously not happy about that as evidenced by her escalating anger. A few incidents in the past year, in particular, have made me realize that I'm married to an immature bully. Some of these incidents were witnessed by our friends, and in other cases her family members. Getting feedback from others has made me realize that what I've been tolerating is not "normal" but abusive. She's only been physically abusive on 2 occasions which were separated by 1 year. In most cases, the abuse has been verbal (screaming, name calling, insults) or emotional (humiliating me in public).

Not anymore. I'm moving on soon. As I mentioned earlier, she has calmed down dramatically in the past 2 months because I honestly think she knows I'm up to something. Too little, too late.
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post #30 of 55 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 11:32 AM
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Re: Time to move on?

since your going on your vacation, others may see her behavior come out....you can stay that good for two solid weeks...curious and perhaps you might have mention it previous...what starts her bullying and breaking things...is alcohol involved?
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