Time to move on? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #31 of 57 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 11:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Time to move on?

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How is that even possible? Is she washing clean clothes? How many clothes can a person wear in a day?
Between having two dogs (blankets, etc.) and both of us working out daily (workout clothes, etc.), we generate a fair amount of laundry...however she cannot wait until the washing machine is full, the clothes must be washed immediately. Our washing machine is in the basement, so it's not like odor is an issue. She simply cannot rest knowing that the washer has unwashed clothes in it.

Regarding the paper towel thing...I've brought that to her attention and her reply is, "why does it bother you? That how I want it."

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post #32 of 57 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 11:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Time to move on?

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since your going on your vacation, others may see her behavior come out....you can stay that good for two solid weeks...curious and perhaps you might have mention it previous...what starts her bullying and breaking things...is alcohol involved?
We are going on vacation with her younger brother and his new fiance' and another couple (mutual friends). Last year, her brother and his fiance' witnessed my wife blowup at me in public and embarrass me in front of everyone.

To answer your question - yes, alcohol has played a role in her anger. Not always, but it certainly exacerbates the situation. Both times she became physically abusive, she had a couple of drinks beforehand. I'm learning to tread carefully when she has been drinking. We are both "social" drinkers and never get drunk, however we handle alcohol very differently. Alcohol tends to bring out her angry side for sure.
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post #33 of 57 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 12:23 PM
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Re: Time to move on?

My ex was similar but not as bad. Our divorce was very amicable but I was very generous to her during the divorce. I let her keep the house and paid for her living expenses for 6 months while she went full time. 14 months later I'm engaged and have a loving relationship I never thought was possible. Time flies. The first month will suck but you'll

We got into a big fight one day and I just said I'm gone. Went and packed all of my stuff into my car and left while she balled her eyes out. She wanted to R but I told her I was gone years ago. I had young kids, so I couldn't just leave like you can.

I bet deep down your'e hoping she explodes while on vacation. I know I would! Then you can just sit back and smile while she embarrasses herself. Then leave her a week later after you get back home.

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post #34 of 57 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 01:05 PM
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Re: Time to move on?

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We are going on vacation with her younger brother and his new fiance' and another couple (mutual friends). Last year, her brother and his fiance' witnessed my wife blowup at me in public and embarrass me in front of everyone.

To answer your question - yes, alcohol has played a role in her anger. Not always, but it certainly exacerbates the situation. Both times she became physically abusive, she had a couple of drinks beforehand. I'm learning to tread carefully when she has been drinking. We are both "social" drinkers and never get drunk, however we handle alcohol very differently. Alcohol tends to bring out her angry side for sure.
If that's how she acts when she has been drinking, its hard to understand why she hasn't stopped for the sake of your marriage.
The fact that she has got better recently because she knows you are up to something, shows that she is able to control her behaviour if she chooses to.
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post #35 of 57 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 01:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time to move on?

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I bet deep down your'e hoping she explodes while on vacation. I know I would! Then you can just sit back and smile while she embarrasses herself. Then leave her a week later after you get back home.
Sadly, this would be an ideal situation for me, particularly if she blows up at someone else.

Just a month ago, we were out to dinner with another couple and she overheard her girlfriend say something to me (related to politics) that she didn't agree with. My wife was about 20 feet away at the time. My wife walked over and got argumentative and I told to her to please not interrupt our calm discussion. That didn't go over well and then she got into a full blown argument with her girlfriend and demanded that I pay the bill and we go home early. On the drive home, she tried to get me to take her side because she supposedly had an agreement with her friend not to talk about politics (a "hot button" topic" for her). I told her if I want to talk about politics with her friend that's my business and if she can't handle being around people she disagrees with then she's going to end up all alone.

In the past, I would sit there and agree with her, but not anymore. I'm tired of defending her when she acts like a spoiled brat.
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post #36 of 57 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 03:34 PM
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Re: Time to move on?

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Between having two dogs (blankets, etc.) and both of us working out daily (workout clothes, etc.), we generate a fair amount of laundry...however she cannot wait until the washing machine is full, the clothes must be washed immediately. Our washing machine is in the basement, so it's not like odor is an issue. She simply cannot rest knowing that the washer has unwashed clothes in it.

Regarding the paper towel thing...I've brought that to her attention and her reply is, "why does it bother you? That how I want it."
Interesting. She definitely sounds like she needs to see a psychiatrist to me.

I hope there's no drought in your area! You could just as easily ask "why does it bother you to have only one roll of paper towels out in the open? That's how I want it."

BTW - if she was married to me, she would probably kill me in my sleep. I definitely have no problem letting laundry pile up. That's why we own multiple outfits... I even bought more underwear once to put off laundry a few more days.
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post #37 of 57 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 03:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time to move on?

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You could just as easily ask "why does it bother you to have only one roll of paper towels out in the open? That's how I want it."
I hear you. I might use that line on her.

Trust me, the things I've shared so far are only a few examples. I have so many others...and I certainly don't claim to be perfect myself (who is?), but I know "ridiculous" when I see it.

When we return from our vacation in early March, I'm seriously considering no longer complying with all of her ridiculous standards around the house and see how she reacts. If it starts a big argument and I walk out, she'll need to explain to everyone why I left and will end up looking like a fool. I'll tell her I'm no longer interested in living like a prisoner in my own home.
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post #38 of 57 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 04:13 PM
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Re: Time to move on?

You can hope she'll change all you want and for periods of time she may but long term I doubt that'll happen. You need to fix yourself. She's played on your behavior. To an extent you've enabled this. If you don't fix that you could be right back where you are.

People treat you like you let them.

Start here
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrBT...rBU.Ivt.qorAg-
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post #39 of 57 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 01:23 PM
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Re: Time to move on?

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I hear you. I might use that line on her.

Trust me, the things I've shared so far are only a few examples. I have so many others...and I certainly don't claim to be perfect myself (who is?), but I know "ridiculous" when I see it.

When we return from our vacation in early March, I'm seriously considering no longer complying with all of her ridiculous standards around the house and see how she reacts. If it starts a big argument and I walk out, she'll need to explain to everyone why I left and will end up looking like a fool. I'll tell her I'm no longer interested in living like a prisoner in my own home.
That might give you the permission you feel you need to get out of there. You could also just leave and screw what other people think/say. I say that having stayed in an unhappy marriage myself so I understand the feelings you have that you can't just walk out with no good reason, just saying - that's an option and what a lot of people do. And if their friends don't like it, they find other friends.

However, you might be surprised to learn that some of your friends already see her as she is. Surely some of her rigidness has spilled into view. I do corporate training so I'm always encountering new groups of adults. Sometimes I'll have a student who is really annoying but everyone else seems to just LOVE them. After I've been on the project a couple weeks (or just days sometimes) I start to see the eye rolls and over hear the conversations about how difficult that person is.

SO QUESTION:
Your wife really does sound like she has OCD (at least). Have you ever talked to her about that and asked her to see a Dr.? What if she could get this under control? Could you have a happy marriage with her?
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post #40 of 57 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 02:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time to move on?

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That might give you the permission you feel you need to get out of there. You could also just leave and screw what other people think/say. I say that having stayed in an unhappy marriage myself so I understand the feelings you have that you can't just walk out with no good reason, just saying - that's an option and what a lot of people do. And if their friends don't like it, they find other friends.

However, you might be surprised to learn that some of your friends already see her as she is. Surely some of her rigidness has spilled into view. I do corporate training so I'm always encountering new groups of adults. Sometimes I'll have a student who is really annoying but everyone else seems to just LOVE them. After I've been on the project a couple weeks (or just days sometimes) I start to see the eye rolls and over hear the conversations about how difficult that person is.

SO QUESTION:
Your wife really does sound like she has OCD (at least). Have you ever talked to her about that and asked her to see a Dr.? What if she could get this under control? Could you have a happy marriage with her?

Since it's been a few months since the last incident where she became physically abusive, I think it might catch her totally off guard if I left seemingly "out of the blue" and her reaction might not be a positive one which would result in her being difficult/vindictive after that. I'd prefer to leave in response to her negative behavior so she could see the cause and effect of it (if that makes any sense.).

I believe her OCD issues are just the "tip of the iceberg" and are a symptom of some much deeper issues. The fact of the matter is, if I felt she was remorseful at all for how she has treated me and wanted to make things better, I'd be more than willing to work through it with her. Unfortunately, I don't feel like this is the case and I honestly can't remember the last time I heard the words, "I'm sorry" come out of her mouth. Usually, after an argument I'm the one who is apologizing and trying to meet her halfway and I think she perceives this as ME being the cause of the argument, so why should SHE apologize. Years of this has honestly caused me to lose respect for her.

It's all very frustrating. Wish me luck. LOL

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post #41 of 57 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 04:32 PM
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Re: Time to move on?

My H and I workout (me, twice a day plus various dog walks for clients, and I tell you, I get FURRY sometimes! H works out once in awhile). We also have 2 dogs, and we do laundry once a week. Granted, it's a few loads, but still. Yeah, the paper towel thing is a bit OCD. I could see keeping 1 in the kitchen, 1 in the washroom, but not all lined up in the same place.

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Between having two dogs (blankets, etc.) and both of us working out daily (workout clothes, etc.), we generate a fair amount of laundry...however she cannot wait until the washing machine is full, the clothes must be washed immediately. Our washing machine is in the basement, so it's not like odor is an issue. She simply cannot rest knowing that the washer has unwashed clothes in it.

Regarding the paper towel thing...I've brought that to her attention and her reply is, "why does it bother you? That how I want it."
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post #42 of 57 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 04:46 PM
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Re: Time to move on?

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It's all very frustrating. Wish me luck. LOL
I can imagine. Good luck. If you want out you can probably trigger an outburst by moving her paper towels or taking a dog blanket with hair all over it and draping it over her (in a nice way, because she looks cold...) while she's sitting on the couch.

The truth is it has been a lot of years and even if she got help you might not want to deal with it any longer. I'm just curious if SHE knows she has problems. It does not sound like it.

I know you're fed up and not a psychology experiment but it would be interesting to see if her never wrong attitude changed if you did stand up to her and did not apologize. Not in a hostile way, just in a matter of fact, "I have nothing to apologize for" way. It seems some men and women often get in this dynamic where the woman is a demanding, critical shrew and the guy is meek and subservient just to keep the peace. Neither one is actually happy though.

I don't know if anyone has recommended the book "No more Mr. nice guy" to you but I see it recommended a lot to men in relationship where they're trying to be "the nice guy" to a domineering woman. It might be good for future relationships to make sure this doesn't happen again.
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post #43 of 57 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 05:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time to move on?

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I can imagine. Good luck. If you want out you can probably trigger an outburst by moving her paper towels or taking a dog blanket with hair all over it and draping it over her (in a nice way, because she looks cold...) while she's sitting on the couch.
This made me laugh because it's probably true.

I would honestly say a big part of her recent escalation of anger with me is tied to me longer acting like "Mr. Nice Guy" and standing up for myself. I've basically been sending her a strong message that she can no longer boss me around. She does this to some of her family members (mom, sister, etc.) too which has caused a lot of friction.

In the past couple of years, my general attitude has changed, and for lack of a better term, I've become "fed up" with her nonsense and realize that what I've been tolerating is ridiculous. I only wish I had come to this realization sooner.
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post #44 of 57 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 10:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Time to move on?

Hi everyone,

Well, I had an interesting day today. Over the weekend, I finished moving most of my important things out of the house into a storage unit while my wife was gone. This morning before she left for work, she went into my office to put something in our files and noticed it looked quite empty. I got a text at work this morning from her, "where is all your stuff in your office?" "Where did you put everything from the closet?"

I tried to avoid answering directly, but she kept pressing and I decided it was time to spill the beans. We texted back and forth all morning and when we left off, I told her I haven't been happy in a long time because of the way she's treated me. We agreed to talk after we got home from work, but I knew it was time for me to tell her the news.

On my lunch break, I went to our bank and opened up a separate checking account in my name only and deposited exactly 50% of our balance into it.

When I got home from work, we got into it again and, long story short, I told her I wanted a divorce because when she punched me in the face, I decided it was over and I waited until she found a job to tell her. She didn't get violent, but was very distraught. I'm spending the night in a hotel nearby and told her everything will work out and she can have the dogs but we need to focus on them and put our differences aside.

Wish me luck, it's about to get very interesting. Tough day for me.
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post #45 of 57 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 02:02 PM
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Re: Time to move on?

Get. Out. There's no excuse for abuse, nor should there be an ounce of tolerance for it, regardless of the circumstances.
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