My husband and I have been married for 3 years but have been together for 15 years, since we were 13 years old. We have had problems in the past but I never thought they were major issues. I suffer from anxiety and self esteem issues and I know he has felt the weight of that over the years. He says that I have gotten worse over the last couple of months, and I'm taking his word for it. He says it has made him lose respect for me as a person. I am a licensed nurse but I chose to be a nanny when we moved away from our families for him to get his Masters in Philosophy. He has it now but he isn't using it, he now has a huge interest in screen writing, so he is pursing that but also works at a coffee shop. Overall I am a happy person, I thought we were happy too,we love to travel, and have a lot of things in common but several weeks ago he dropped the bomb that it's all taken it's toll. That he never stopped to ask himself what he wants out of a relationship, what makes him happy and that he is starting to. That he is seeing that our values are far too different to overcome. Value example 1: He loves to keep up with politics, he loves to read thought provoking, brain food books and he says that because I don't have an interest in that, that I am not helping him grow as a person. He doesn't see me as ambitious and it's pulling him down. (I beg to differ, I see myself as ambitious just not in the same way that he is ambitious.) I work 55 hours a week sometimes (he says it's not a brain stimulating job) and come home, sometimes I get on Facebook or turn on the tv when I get home. He would prefer to see me reading or feeding my brain and that is a problem for him. Values 2: he doesn't value his family as much as I value family and he thinks that is a problem and will continue to be a problem in the future. He isn't a family person but he has a fantastic family. He also told me that he only half wants to be with me at this point. He loves me, he's attracted to me, and he's afraid of losing our relationship but that he thinks it's time we split. I have asked him to try a little longer. I'm going to seriously work on my anxiety problems and see if that impacts many areas in our relationship, maybe I'll join a yoga class. He has agreed to try but says he doesn't think it'll work, although he wants it to. He also has stated that he does not think he needs to do any changing. He has also admitted that he fantasizes about living alone where he can really focus on his reading/writing and not feel weighed down. (He even looked into a place) he's not a cold person generally, he kisses me, cuddles, asks how my day was.
I feel like this values situation can be handled. What we can figure this out because I really don't want to get a divorce.
Any insight or revelations?
OMG girl! You need to work on your self esteem, you are a licenced nurse with a "proper' job, he is a scrounger working in a coffee shop. Anyone can get an M Phil esp if its from some crappy university. Was he trying to do a PhD and didn't quite make it perhaps?
You need to turn this back on him, give him what he wants.
1. Tell him to f off and move out, do not give him money, financial support etc. I assume you are the main breadwinner?
2. Go and see a lawyer about your options
3. Do the 180 on him, emotionally detach, don't talk to him about the marriage/relationship. Dont do anything for him, no cooking, no cleaning, no laundry, etc. Give him what he wants.
4. Start going out with friends, join a gym, act as if you are moving on with life ( I know a 55 work week is tough, how can he no see that!) but try to do things in the eve that do not involve him, start living as if he doesnt exist. Let him see what it is like without you in his life.
5. Tell one or two of your close friends what he has been saying, what do your friends and family think of him? That should give you some additional insight.