Feel like it's all crumbling around me. - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 07:13 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

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Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post
Again, thank you all for the responses, I value them a lot.

Spicy- you could be right, she has always fancied herself as a country girl and there is a guy at her work who is a farmer and while they work in different areas it sounds like in the work environment (morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea) they are inseparable, and he is the guy she is constantly texting & facebooking. He is married with 2 kids but my wife has let it slip they they are unhappy in their marriage and details of their sex life (frequency etc) that I don't think it is normal to talk about. I expect the conversation to have gone two ways.

I guess this is another problem, as much as he is married, I am sure I am being evaluated against him, or at least that is the way I feel.

So many thoughts swimming around in my head:
- do I try and hang in there till June and hope holiday repairs things - I doubt it can last that long
- do I cancel the study to devote more time to her - traps me in current role, and she has already frozen me out so not sure
- do I just try and find another job - down side there is I'm paid pretty well for what I do so anything else is going to be less, which still leaves the spending issues.
- also do I tell her I am going to see IC as I a serious about understanding my contribution to the problem. It may come across badly , not sure.

Again thank you
she's in an affair. a blind person could see this. Better wake up to what you're dealing with.

In order to justify it she is picking all your faults to justify her actions. Very typical. She didn't just got to a park to take pictures it was probably a meet up with the other man. An IC won't help you with the affair. As long as it's going on this is how you'll be treated. An affair trumps everything.

If you want to try and save this the affair has to end. You're only choice is exposure to the other mans wife. You do this without warning. call his wife up and tell her what's going on. Let them deal with the consequences.

If you just want out of the marriage file for divorce.

What you are currently doing is nothing. No one is going to do anything for you. You'll have to stand up and do it yourself. Being weak at this time will just put you in worse shape. You'd better get strong quick they are way ahead of you.

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Last edited by Marc878; 02-18-2017 at 07:21 PM.
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post #17 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 07:19 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Crying, begging or pleading is the worst thing you can do at this time.
MC in an active affair is worthless. I doubt she'd even go.

Most betrayed spouses want to live in denial of what's going on or make huge lists of excuses (like you have) that dance around the main issue. She's stepping out with another man.

Better wake up to what you're dealing with
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post #18 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 07:38 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Dude, although you may have some serious problems with your wife,
you've got a lot going for you.

you've got to see that.

lots of education. An accomplished career. Good coin. No serious money issues.
you've got a good future. Lots of people would trade places with you in a flash.

but dont make the mistake a lot of people make and live to work instead of working
to live unless its truly your passion and not at the expence of your marriage.
is that how things got away from you to begin with?

I agree with the others, your old lady is acting squirley and you need to get to the bottom of it.
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post #19 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 12:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Thanks so much for responses, it's odd to feel words from strangers on the internet can be such a support.

I have confronted her this afternoon, about how she is feeling and did she want to discuss it. She welled up and told me we have been drifting apart for a few years and I didn't see it. She said she looks forward to talking to people at work more than me. She did go on to say that she has thought of moving out to 'find herself'. She said she didn't live by herself for long enough before moving in with me (she lived with her folks until late 20's), by herself for about a year and then in with me, we had been dating for 2 years at that point. She feels she has taken on the role of 'wife' and lost her identity, the essence of who she is, that combined with drifting apart has broken us.

I told her I am going to see IC by myself as she is so important to me, she is welcome to come or go by herself, whatever. She didn't really respond to this.

jorgegene - you are right, I have been a very lucky person.

Thanks again, I'm sorry for loading my issues on others, I have never dealt with anything close to this magnitude before. I feel more settled than a few days ago, but still hurt like hell.
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post #20 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 01:41 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

If you bury your head in the sand and ignore what's going on with her boyfriend you won't be doing yourself any good here sport.

Helping hide her affair will only enable it.
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post #21 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 01:47 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

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Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post
Thanks so much for responses, it's odd to feel words from strangers on the internet can be such a support.

I have confronted her this afternoon, about how she is feeling and did she want to discuss it. She welled up and told me we have been drifting apart for a few years and I didn't see it. She said she looks forward to talking to people at work more than me. She did go on to say that she has thought of moving out to 'find herself'. She said she didn't live by herself for long enough before moving in with me (she lived with her folks until late 20's), by herself for about a year and then in with me, we had been dating for 2 years at that point. She feels she has taken on the role of 'wife' and lost her identity, the essence of who she is, that combined with drifting apart has broken us.

I guess that makes it ok to have a boyfriend on the side? Really?

This is just an excuse to justify what she's doing. Did you ask her about the other man?

I told her I am going to see IC by myself as she is so important to me, she is welcome to come or go by herself, whatever. She didn't really respond to this.

You can't do this alone. She is either in or out.

jorgegene - you are right, I have been a very lucky person.

Thanks again, I'm sorry for loading my issues on others, I have never dealt with anything close to this magnitude before. I feel more settled than a few days ago, but still hurt like hell.

No one is prepared for this. You are right to seek out help. However, this won't just go away. You can't make her do anything but do not stay in this if she's not willing to work with you. It'll just prolong your stay in limbo hell.
Working on yourself and making you into a better man is a good thing but it won't matter much if the other man is in the mix.

Unless you end that you don't stand much of a chance. Don't let your weakness define you. This is your life and future too.

Last edited by Marc878; 02-19-2017 at 01:53 AM.
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post #22 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 02:11 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

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Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post
Thanks so much for responses, it's odd to feel words from strangers on the internet can be such a support.

I have confronted her this afternoon, about how she is feeling and did she want to discuss it. She welled up and told me we have been drifting apart for a few years and I didn't see it. She said she looks forward to talking to people at work more than me. She did go on to say that she has thought of moving out to 'find herself'. She said she didn't live by herself for long enough before moving in with me (she lived with her folks until late 20's), by herself for about a year and then in with me, we had been dating for 2 years at that point. She feels she has taken on the role of 'wife' and lost her identity, the essence of who she is, that combined with drifting apart has broken us.
Separation is usually to be availble to spend more time with an affair partner.

No marriage is perfect we all have issues to work on and I'm sure from reading your post she isn't perfect either is she? Did you got out and establish a relationship with another woman because of it?
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post #23 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Marc878 - I must admit I thought your replies were a little direct, however this evening she has told me that there are people in her industry that she looks forward to talking to each day because she has so much in common with them and can talk about work things. It was the way she said it that makes me think there isn't an affair as such, more an emotional flirting attraction to the point of her questioning her future with me, which still feels like cheating. So I think you might be right.

This has been the only significant relationship in my life.

I have a question I would like to air, we have some friends (married couple) who have had their own dramas over the years, anyway I rang them and talked to them a bit today as was feeling pretty low, and I said I am not looking for them to take sides or anything, but I value any guidance, insight etc they can give to both of us. I didn't tell my wife I spoke to them. I know it puts them in the middle, but just speaking to them gave me a few hours of relief and a sense of calmness for awhile. Anyway I said to my wife she should contact them and she said no, and that she had confided in them around her feelings a few years ago which I didn't know, but now she says no because they are a mutual friend. Have I done the wrong thing and talk to them?

Hurting again at the moment, but thank you for your words I appreciate it.
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post #24 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:12 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

No you need support anywhere you can get it. Close friends, family, if you can find a good IC. Some are not great so be carefull.
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post #25 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:21 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

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Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post
Marc878 - I must admit I thought your replies were a little direct, however this evening she has told me that there are people in her industry that she looks forward to talking to each day because she has so much in common with them and can talk about work things. It was the way she said it that makes me think there isn't an affair as such, more an emotional flirting attraction to the point of her questioning her future with me, which still feels like cheating. So I think you might be right.


An emotional affair is cheating!!! If they have contact it becomes a physical affair very quickly. Trust your gut instincts they are usually correct.

Every Betrayed spouse that is in this stage doesn't want to believe in an affair. Upfront they all for the most part just can't. or they want to believe it's just an emotional affair.

It's a state of denial. That way they don't have to do anything. Look, you're in shock I get that. I'm direct because I want you to see the obvious
.

This has been the only significant relationship in my life.

I have a question I would like to air, we have some friends (married couple) who have had their own dramas over the years, anyway I rang them and talked to them a bit today as was feeling pretty low, and I said I am not looking for them to take sides or anything, but I value any guidance, insight etc they can give to both of us. I didn't tell my wife I spoke to them. I know it puts them in the middle, but just speaking to them gave me a few hours of relief and a sense of calmness for awhile. Anyway I said to my wife she should contact them and she said no, and that she had confided in them around her feelings a few years ago which I didn't know, but now she says no because they are a mutual friend. Have I done the wrong thing and talk to them?

Hurting again at the moment, but thank you for your words I appreciate it.
What did your friends say? I suspect your wife doesn't want them involved because either the wife may know or she's affraid of what may be discovered.


Last edited by Marc878; 02-19-2017 at 07:34 AM.
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post #26 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:28 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

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Thank you all for your words.

Every time I walk in the room she has this look of disappointment or anger at my existence. She speaks to me in as few words as possible. I don't understand, as I haven't done anything bad (that I am aware of). Each day seems to drag on forever. Today I was super sick with food poisoning and she seemed like she couldn't care less and she drive 80miles away to a park to play with her camera and photograph animals for the day. Not that she could do much but it's something i would not have done.

I have identified financial communications as a major issue for us. We are in a reasonable position financially, however we put everything on the credit card for the month and then pay off the whole thing at the end of the month. Since September last year we have been spending more than we make, the expenditure is all understandable but I wanted to cut back a,little and a few times she said about buying stuff and I said I wasn't comfortable with it until credit card was square again. She hit the roof saying she had never denied me anything. Trouble is I am the only one who looks at the credit card, she has never ever looked at it forcing me to be the credit card police. I have suggested we need to get her another login (old one expired from not being used) and she couldn't care less.

I am seeing IC for first time on Monday, I am pinning many hopes on this.

I haven't told her I am going to IC, but I wonder if I should, not to make her feel bad but to let her know I am super serious to understand and fix anything about me or my behaviour.
Check what the $'s are being spent on. I suspect it's mainly her?
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post #27 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:32 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

You appear to be walking on eggshells and living in fear. This will make you look weak and unnattractive.

My friend this is your life too. You'd better get strong fast. Laying back and worrying is going to fix this.

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post #28 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:38 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Does this raise any red flags to you?

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LEV...yBG.l9rWcaJes-
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post #29 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:42 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

If were you I'd start digging. If this is an affair you have no chance at working on your marriage until it ends. The truth will also be hard to get. If that is the case.

"We're just friends" is the biggest lie told.

Standard Evidence Post
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post #30 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:07 AM
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Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
she's in an affair. a blind person could see this. Better wake up to what you're dealing with.

In order to justify it she is picking all your faults to justify her actions. Very typical. She didn't just got to a park to take pictures it was probably a meet up with the other man. An IC won't help you with the affair. As long as it's going on this is how you'll be treated. An affair trumps everything.

If you want to try and save this the affair has to end. You're only choice is exposure to the other mans wife. You do this without warning. call his wife up and tell her what's going on. Let them deal with the consequences.

If you just want out of the marriage file for divorce.

What you are currently doing is nothing. No one is going to do anything for you. You'll have to stand up and do it yourself. Being weak at this time will just put you in worse shape. You'd better get strong quick they are way ahead of you.

Read up
[]

Falcon,

I 100% agree with @Marc878. At a minimum it's a full emotional affair.

The coworker wants in your wife's pants. From experience, i was like that coworker.

Why are we SO sure? These mostly always follow the same pattern. The same acts. The same words. And we here have experienced them too. On both sides.

Marc has given you great advice. Follow ALL of it.
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