Feel like it's all crumbling around me. - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:27 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Farmer dude is either plowing your field or getting ready to. You post is nearly identical to thousands of threads here. Unfortunately, your reaction is identical to thousands of betrayed men here. Yes, it's hard to believe.

What's even harder is usually the IT guys are usually on top of things knowing what is going on because they have already started monitoring what their wife is doing.

So far you are doing the opposite of everything you need to do to save the marriage. It's likely however that the result of ignoring the obvious, you will be rid of a cheating wife soon. Being rid of a cheater is a good thing.

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post #32 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 09:34 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

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Farmer dude is either plowing your field or getting ready to. You post is nearly identical to thousands of threads here. Unfortunately, your reaction is identical to thousands of betrayed men here. Yes, it's hard to believe.

What's even harder is usually the IT guys are usually on top of things knowing what is going on because they have already started monitoring what their wife is doing.

So far you are doing the opposite of everything you need to do to save the marriage. It's likely however that the result of ignoring the obvious, you will be rid of a cheating wife soon. Being rid of a cheater is a good thing.
Yep.

What do you want? Better figure it out and get started. They are way ahead of you.

If you can't get strong and stand up for yourself you lose. Weakness and fear at this time will get you divorced whether you want it or not. If it's not too late already.
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post #33 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 11:44 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Distance yourself from her.....She seems to be a lost cause and the sooner you start the 180 and begin working on your own physical and psychological welfare the better off you will be. If she comes around and sees improvement in you so be it. Fretting about your every move around her will eat you alive. I read a good book called Hold On to Your Nuts that you may find helpful. Reading empowering books may help you now. Start wiping the old slate clean and take back control of your life personally and professionally. Continue to post on this site with your situation and you will lovingly be guided to a bright and happy future. There are lots of people here who want to see you succeed. It's going to be ok..........
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post #34 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 01:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

thank you all for being there at the moment. I'm a strong person but most definitely not a tough one.

Thank you for the links, they are both really close to the mark.

I just read this and it was like a slap in th face http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/emoti...nal-infidelity

I am going to have to ask her flat out what is happening. Seeing IC is getting closer, and will see Dr as well.

I keep on saying it, and I genuinely thank you all.
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post #35 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 01:56 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

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Spicy- you could be right, she has always fancied herself as a country girl and there is a guy at her work who is a farmer and while they work in different areas it sounds like in the work environment (morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea) they are inseparable, and he is the guy she is constantly texting & facebooking. He is married with 2 kids but my wife has let it slip they they are unhappy in their marriage and details of their sex life (frequency etc) that I don't think it is normal to talk about. I expect the conversation to have gone two ways.
You already know it's at least an emotional affair. The way she's acting it's probably physical. Not unusual for the cheater to cut off intimacy with the spouse once it goes physical.

Has she removed her wedding rings?

You don't ask her what's going on you tell her what you know and ask to see her phone. Check her messages.

IMO under the circumstances you dig first before you confront. I suspect confronting early you'll just get lies and drive it underground.

Strength is a state of mind. Do you really want to live with a woman like this?

In order to save a marriage you must be willing to end it. You have no kids and not many years invested. Is this worth it? Or is it your codependency on her?
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post #36 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 02:00 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Dont pin your hope on IC solving this. No one is going to fix this for you. You have to step up and do it.

You mentioned in an earlier post how you were doing all the housework, taking care of etc.

Thats trying to nice her back. Guess what that gets you? Nothing.

If you do too much you get taken for granted and lose respect. Mr Nice Guys get walked on.

A marriage should be 50/50. Do your part and expect her to do hers.

Strength is a state of mind. You'd better get some
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post #37 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 02:01 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Can you at least check your phone bill? Why are you so affraid? This is your life, family, wife and future.

Get strong.
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post #38 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 02:13 PM
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Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Don't ask her about it. She will lie.

I am a former EA cheater. Believe me she will take it underground. Or say they are just friends. Read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

IC is to help you, not the marriage. Work on your anxiety and self esteem. You sound alot like me in this area. It helps. Radiating confidence will get your wife's attention. Trust us. ALL the women will say a confident guy is attractive.

Get and read Married Mans Sex Life Primer 2012 by Athol Kay.

Cut back on the household chores. Doing housework now lowers her opinion of you.

I know you have little time or desire to read right now but both if those books are worth less sleep.

Last edited by blueinbr; 02-19-2017 at 02:19 PM.
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post #39 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 02:19 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

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Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post
thank you all for being there at the moment. I'm a strong person but most definitely not a tough one.

Thank you for the links, they are both really close to the mark.

I just read this and it was like a slap in th face http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/emoti...nal-infidelity

I am going to have to ask her flat out what is happening. Seeing IC is getting closer, and will see Dr as well.

I keep on saying it, and I genuinely thank you all.
Without any evidence, she'll just deny.

Do as @Marc878 suggests, a little investigating. So many men won't do that, to their regret later.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #40 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 02:28 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Better start thinking with your head. Your heart will betray you. You have her on a pedestal. The woman I love would not do this so it must be my fault? You can't fix yourself enough if this is an affair. Nothing matters.

Would you do to her what she's doing to you? The woman your are seeing is who she is right now. The one you are so in love with is who you fantasize her to be.

I promise you this. The sun will come up in the morning and the world will not end if she runs off with farmer click. You are suffering heartbreak right now and think you'll love her forever. You won't.

You're here for a reason. Trust your gut instinct and try and leave your heart and emotions out of it.

You can't control or make her do anything but you'd better fix yourself.

Get the facts. You have the info. I suspect at this time you're in denial and don't want to know. That won't make this better it'll be worse not knowing what's up.

Again - Wake up!!!!!!

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post #41 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 06:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Thanks, yes wake up seems an apt expression.

I am still boiling about some of the things I have done for her. . . she got a university qualification a few years ago, was just 4 subjects, anyway the assessment was all assignments no exams, so guess who did it all. . . yup I did the whole darn thing.

Anyway I confronted it head on in what I believe was a respectful way, there is someone else, not the person I thought but someone else. Apparently it is just by phone and a flirting type of relationship. I believe this to be mostly true, however the truth has likely been economised.

I have told her if it's important to her then she needs to go to IC herself, as well as MC. Also the planned vacation is off as we can't last ~10 weeks till then.

I said to her than love and marriage, in my opinion at least is about sticking with each other through the rough stuff, . . . however I will not be treated like this. I know I felt relieved to start drawing lines in the sand, and to be honest her reaction seemed to be one of initial shock (this is out of character for me) followed by what seemed to be relief as well.

Thanks all.
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post #42 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 06:28 PM
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Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

A driver is swerving down the road. Cop pulls him over. The driver reeks of alcohol. The cop asks "how many drinks have you had". The response from the driver is "two".

The response is ALWAYS two. No one ever admits they had eight beers.

Eventually after the breath or blood test the truth always comes out.

It's human nature to lie.

You're not done here. One of the biggest mistakes you can make in your life is to assume all is well now and thus leave this site.
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post #43 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:56 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

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Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post
Thanks, yes wake up seems an apt expression.

I am still boiling about some of the things I have done for her. . . she got a university qualification a few years ago, was just 4 subjects, anyway the assessment was all assignments no exams, so guess who did it all. . . yup I did the whole darn thing.

Anyway I confronted it head on in what I believe was a respectful way, there is someone else, not the person I thought but someone else. Apparently it is just by phone and a flirting type of relationship. I believe this to be mostly true, however the truth has likely been economised.

I have told her if it's important to her then she needs to go to IC herself, as well as MC. Also the planned vacation is off as we can't last ~10 weeks till then.

I said to her than love and marriage, in my opinion at least is about sticking with each other through the rough stuff, . . . however I will not be treated like this. I know I felt relieved to start drawing lines in the sand, and to be honest her reaction seemed to be one of initial shock (this is out of character for me) followed by what seemed to be relief as well.

Thanks all.
I hope you're right but cheaters lie a lot.

Never, never put out an ultimatum you won't back. If you do you'll just be another doormat getting walked on,

Stop with the Mr Nice Guy "I'll do everything". That will get you disrespected faster than anything.

Better fix yourself and stand up for yourself. Just because you found out doesn't mean it'll stop.

You should demand to see a No Contact letter to him. She writes it you send it. If she can't do that ask her to pack her crap and leave.

Do they work together? If there is continued contact the affair continues.
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post #44 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:00 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Strength is attractive.

Now, is she wearing her rings, are you sleeping together intimate?

Your stand was good but your actions will speak more. Do not back down or stop. A little distance would help her.

Don't jump in and kiss her ass.
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post #45 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

'Don't jump in and kiss her ass.' haha . . .sorry if this sounds weird but that is like you know me.
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