Feel like it's all crumbling around me. - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #46 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Sorry, no she is not wearing rings, she generally doesn't as she doesn't like rings on her fingers.

We sleep in seperate rooms as I have hereditary sleep apnoea, and she doesn't like the sound of the CPAP machine. I have my weight down to 80kgs to try and do without the machine but tend to snore if I don't use it. . . this is a new thing in my life, started using the machine in September.

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post #47 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:17 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Make no mistake your actions at this time will either say I'm mad but will accept you having a boyfriend or I will not accept this and move on.

Better keep your momentum. Keep going this isn't over yet.

Now what the status between you two at this time?
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post #48 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:24 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Important. Get to a gym and get fit. It wouldn't hurt to update your wardrobe a bit. Keep your hair cut nicely. Look and smell good.

Don't underestimate this.

Set a time for a date. doesnt have to be expensive. Dinner and a movie or lunch out.

First of all make sure her other man is gone as in complete no contact if she can't do that. start the 180 no contact immediately and see an attourney.

You must expose to other mans wife. However, I'd check the phone bill. Cheaters lie a lot. She may have given you someone else's name instead of the true guy.

You're married there is no privacy to cheat.

Get moving. You have much to do yet.
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post #49 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 09:15 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Reflect back you came here like mist downtrodden. The world didn't end did it? Your life shouldn't depend on your wife.

You're post always have IC or MC in it. Look, it doesn't take much common sense to know you don't screw around with others while married.

If it was me and no kids id giver about 15 minutes to make a choice me or him and if not shed get served papers on Tuesday or Wednesday and id start separating finances on Monday

You have some maturing to do. Never let someone else determine your fate.
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post #50 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 09:35 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Did she tell you who her other man is?
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post #51 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 12:47 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

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Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post
Thanks, yes wake up seems an apt expression.

I am still boiling about some of the things I have done for her. . . she got a university qualification a few years ago, was just 4 subjects, anyway the assessment was all assignments no exams, so guess who did it all. . . yup I did the whole darn thing.

Anyway I confronted it head on in what I believe was a respectful way, there is someone else, not the person I thought but someone else. Apparently it is just by phone and a flirting type of relationship. I believe this to be mostly true, however the truth has likely been economised.

I have told her if it's important to her then she needs to go to IC herself, as well as MC. Also the planned vacation is off as we can't last ~10 weeks till then.

I said to her than love and marriage, in my opinion at least is about sticking with each other through the rough stuff, . . . however I will not be treated like this. I know I felt relieved to start drawing lines in the sand, and to be honest her reaction seemed to be one of initial shock (this is out of character for me) followed by what seemed to be relief as well.

Thanks all.
Of course it is.

Is he local? Long distance? Do you know his name and can you verify it? Married or single?

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #52 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 08:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Hi all,

Well have survived the last week, and the voices here, from across the internet, have been of such tremendous assistance.

She has admitted it is emotional cheating and probably been going on for awhile. After some initial confusion I am pretty sure I know who it is and they are married with kids and in an unhappy marriage themselves, so she is going to feel trapped right now.

She has gone away for the weekend to spend time with another friend (verified) to clear her head. Funny thing is I am sat at home this weekend and feel the most surreal calmness and possibly more settled than I have felt in months. It feels the shock is passing and, while I am still committed to the relationship, that is the promise I made and I will keep, the contingent plans for the future are crystallising.

I am sure there is a rough road ahead but for the moment I wanted to say thank you to the people who responded to my at times odd posts, and to those who have posted previously in various threads it has all been of huge assistance, more than I could have imagined from an internet forum.
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post #53 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 03:19 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post
Hi all,

Well have survived the last week, and the voices here, from across the internet, have been of such tremendous assistance.

She has admitted it is emotional cheating and probably been going on for awhile. After some initial confusion I am pretty sure I know who it is and they are married with kids and in an unhappy marriage themselves, so she is going to feel trapped right now.

So she's keeping it a secret. Sounds like you're being played. No sex is one of the biggest lies told. Ask yourself this. If you hadn't suspected and pushed would she have continued the lie? Secret boyfriends in a marriage means you have not much to work with here.

She has gone away for the weekend to spend time with another friend (verified) to clear her head. Funny thing is I am sat at home this weekend and feel the most surreal calmness and possibly more settled than I have felt in months. It feels the shock is passing and, while I am still committed to the relationship, that is the promise I made and I will keep, the contingent plans for the future are

Sounds like your are letting her make the decision to keep you or not. That's a version of the "pick me game". Doing that you will just give her 100% control. You can bet there will be plenty of contact with her other man. That's what separation is used for. Quit being so naive.

I am sure there is a rough road ahead but for the moment I wanted to say thank you to the people who responded to my at times odd posts, and to those who have posted previously in various threads it has all been of huge assistance, more than I could have imagined from an internet forum.

It's going to be a lot rougher than it needs to be the way you're playing this.
The ones who come out best get strong and stay there. Yep it's a shock but you are burying your head in the sand a bit.

You never thought she'd do this, right? Cheating of any kind is based on lies. You don't know anything other than what she's told you.

Like most upfront you want so badly to believe. You'll do anything to stay in a state of denial.

Common lies:

We're just friends
It's just emotional
Taking time away for myself
Just kissed
Only sex one time
Etc, etc, etc

If you want a chance to save this the affair has to end first. Check your phone bills and inform his wife. However, you don't want to push her away. She's already gone. You won't be the first or last to make the mistake of helping them hide their affair.

Affairs thrive in secret and dark. Exposure usually ends it. If they have contact such as work the affair will continue.

Strength is attractive weakness is not. Better wake up!!!!

No marriage is perfect neither is she. Did you go out and have an affair? Take her off the pedestal you have her on and deal with this. See her for who she is not your fantasy of her.

Last edited by Marc878; 02-25-2017 at 03:24 PM.
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post #54 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 10:17 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

One phone call to the OM's wife will tell you much.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #55 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 10:48 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Yep, better wake up and don't help them hide their affair. Strength not weakness is what you need at this time.

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post #56 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 01:29 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Is the OM in a bad marriage because SHE said so?

Do you have proof?

If not, assume it's a lie. He may have told her that to draw her in OR she's telling it to you for damage control.

Always verify.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #57 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 02:09 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post
Hi all,

Well have survived the last week, and the voices here, from across the internet, have been of such tremendous assistance.

She has admitted it is emotional cheating and probably been going on for awhile. After some initial confusion I am pretty sure I know who it is and they are married with kids and in an unhappy marriage themselves, so she is going to feel trapped right now.

She has gone away for the weekend to spend time with another friend (verified) to clear her head. Funny thing is I am sat at home this weekend and feel the most surreal calmness and possibly more settled than I have felt in months. It feels the shock is passing and, while I am still committed to the relationship, that is the promise I made and I will keep, the contingent plans for the future are crystallising.

I am sure there is a rough road ahead but for the moment I wanted to say thank you to the people who responded to my at times odd posts, and to those who have posted previously in various threads it has all been of huge assistance, more than I could have imagined from an internet forum.
She'll cop to this because it's a lesser charge than a PA. And you feel relieved that she 'fessed up. And you'll want to move on.

You're 'pretty sure' you know who it is. She hasn't told you? Why not? Why isn't she transparent?

OP you are too eager to accept her story.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #58 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 03:29 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

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Is the OM in a bad marriage because SHE said so?

Do you have proof?

If not, assume it's a lie. He may have told her that to draw her in OR she's telling it to you for damage control.

Always verify.
YES!!!
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post #59 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 03:31 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

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Originally Posted by malaise View Post
she'll cop to this because it's a lesser charge than a pa. And you feel relieved that she 'fessed up. And you'll want to move on.

You're 'pretty sure' you know who it is. She hasn't told you? Why not? Why isn't she transparent?

Op you are too eager to accept her story.
and yes again!!!!
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post #60 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 05:04 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post
Hi all,

Well have survived the last week, and the voices here, from across the internet, have been of such tremendous assistance.

She has admitted it is emotional cheating and probably been going on for awhile. After some initial confusion I am pretty sure I know who it is and they are married with kids and in an unhappy marriage themselves, so she is going to feel trapped right now.

She has gone away for the weekend to spend time with another friend (verified) to clear her head. Funny thing is I am sat at home this weekend and feel the most surreal calmness and possibly more settled than I have felt in months. It feels the shock is passing and, while I am still committed to the relationship, that is the promise I made and I will keep, the contingent plans for the future are crystallising.

I am sure there is a rough road ahead but for the moment I wanted to say thank you to the people who responded to my at times odd posts, and to those who have posted previously in various threads it has all been of huge assistance, more than I could have imagined from an internet forum.
You can verify it's a friend but...

Did the friend know of the affair? Is the friend an enabler of the affair? Will she be with friend all weekend, and can you prove it?


Will she use the time to 'clear her head' or to get her story straight? To talk to OM?

By not identifying OM she's protecting him. You see that, right?

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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