Feel like it's all crumbling around me. - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

User Tag List

 53Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #61 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 11:26 AM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 13
Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
OK, thanks for the info. Most just ask for advice and tell us little. Where do I start? I too am in IT and went through some of the things you are having problems with. Let's start with dead end job. I had a few of those and quit them. It was hard because no one likes going on interviews and being turned down and we all seem to minimize what we bring to the table. We worry if we will succeed or even like our new jobs. I made the change after 5 years of going nowhere and I made more money by changing. I quickly learned that the fastest way to make more money is to change jobs. No one really cares anymore how many jobs you had or how long you stayed there. I have had 8 or more jobs in 45 years and the one I have now consumed about 25 of those years and is the second time I am working for the same company. The big difference is that now I get 25% of the profits. I had to leave and hold out for 3 years while I took on some jobs I hated, but paid very well, but in the end I make lots more money, work at home from a tropical location and get paid for 5 days but only work 3 in the summer and 4 in the winter. Plus the profit split. I used to be loyal to my employer until I found out that we are all disposable. Bottom line is what counts. I believe that my job is always to be looking for a better job. When I get a new job I update my resume and post it on all the job searching sites. I did got a job paying a lot of money that way. They chased me and finally asked what it would take for me to work with them. I blew them off with some ridiculous wage and they accepted. Then when I was interviewed, somehow they thought I told them I wanted $25K more than I had really asked for and I did not correct them. Employers will try to pay their people as little as they can.

My current company if filled with many people whose only job was with us and they are not ambitious, do not ask or try for promotions and are happy with whatever we pay them. We try to be fair of course, but we do not know their financial needs better than they do unless they speak up. So start looking for a new job. I have moved 13 times to get to my dream job and substantially increased my income during the process. We got to live in different States for a few years, made new friends and explored our new cities. It brought my wife and I closer since we only had each other when we moved, so we became best friends. My wife mentioned this just tonight and remarked ath we were each other's only friends many times. We also had cats, 3 of them, and moved them with us each time. Now I have one dog. No kids here either so I was free to accept jobs anywhere I wanted to. It prevented us from falling into a rut and kept things new and fresh.

As to not noticing your wife. I am the opposite. My wife tells me that I smother her with attention and love. I will always notice a tag sticking out and compliment my wife every chance I get. She is my world. I have left jobs because she was unhappy about the new place we lived. However, she recognized that I was building a career and that meant being away for a few months each year. She put up with it and never complained. In fact, we both got used to having a lot of alone time. Sometimes too much togetherness is not good. Take an interest in your wife. Ask her about her day, her plans, her wants, etc.. That is just mental discipline and easy to learn. I have known a few cheating wives in my time and their biggest reason for cheating was that their husbands took them for granted, did not make them feel desirable and did not take them anyplace where they can get all dressed up and be admired by others. Nothing is as good for an ego than to have others look at you with desire in their eyes. So make the effort to make your wife feel like she did when you dated.

I have no friends at the moment, just acquaintances. Currently I am devoting most of my time to my work so that I can retire in a few years. It has paid off handsomely so far. I am, or used to be, very social when we planted roots for more than a few years. I had a group of friends to hang out with, but since I grew old, I am enjoying life by myself for a change.

The first time I was asked unexpectedly to speak to a large crowd I had to hold on to the podium to keep from falling. My legs felt like rubber and I thought that my voice was shaky. People said I did a good job, but I was scared out of my mind. However, my job required that I not only speak before large groups, but also convince large companies to pay my company large sums for our services. Over time I gained confidence and could speak to an auditorium of Kodak employees and meet with politicians like Ted Kennedy, Mayors, CEO's of Fortune 500 companies and government leaders all over Europe and Asia. Now my wife cannot shut me up. The secret was knowing what you are talking about and realizing that even if you know a little more than your audience, they will look at you as an expert, especially if you call yourself one. Self confidence will not only take you far in life but women find it sexy. I had ample opportunities to cheat on my wife while overseas, but I turned them all down. If that was not hard enough, prospective subcontractors where always trying to throw women, money, boats, trips, etc. at me to gain favor. I never took anything from anyone because I want to be me and not owing favors to others.

I learned a very valuable life lesson. The greatest skill you can have to succeed, is to be able to sell yourself and/or your ideas. I was hired for every job I interviewed for and I sometimes interviewed for jobs I did not want just to see if they would make me an offer or for practice. Over time I volunteered for projects that would look good on my resume and completed them. That made me more and more valuable. So know your stuff and push yourself to speak before groups. If needed, have your doctor prescribe Xanax to get rid of the anxiety. I still keep some around. I often put myself in positions that made me uncomfortable or that I feared, so that I had to do what I did not want to do, but would be good for me in the end. Heck, I volunteered to go to Vietnam just to make sure that I had courage. That gave me a lot of self confidence until I entered the business world and had to learn a whole new set of skills. My self confidence did help in a way though. It told me that I could learn and fit into my new environment.

I believe that you can be happy without a lot of friends, or any. Being a loner is often viewed as a problem, but it gives you freedom. No more compromising on what restaurant to eat at or movie to see. No getting caught up in the petty disagreements that occur in a group of friends who get too involved in each other's business. I am free to do anything I want or nothing at all. After a lifetime of travel I am enjoying staying at home and not running to catch a plane or glad handing people I do not like. I live in a very large retirement community with 2,000 clubs to join so if I want companionship, it is easy to find. I just do not like joining anything. In a group you have to do what the majority wants to do and that is like two wolves and a lamb deciding what to eat for lunch.

One morning after working 7 months for a company that paid me enough to start looking for small mansions, I realized that I hated the job. Loved the money but I quit that day. I could not work at a job I did not like, for a person I did not like. I found a small company that paid me a third of what I was making, moved into a smaller house and have been happy ever since. My point is to do what it takes job wise to make you happy. If you are happy at your job, your life will be happy. The problem with some people is that they are not willing to do what it takes to get what they want. I do not let life bend me to its will. I try, and often succeed in bending life to my will because I will do whatever it takes to do so.

If you love your wife as I do mine, pay more attention to her. Do things to make her feel appreciated and desired and most of all, consider her needs and wants in every decision you make that affects her in any way. We have never done anything that the other was against. We always compromised or did not do it. People tell my wife that she is lucky to have a husband like me who is so obviously in love with her, and who wants to make her happy. Be like me and many other husbands out there. Show your wife that she is the center of your world. I gave up finishing college to take care of my wife who fell ill on the first night of our honeymoon. Most newlyweds do not call a doctor on the first day they arrive at a hotel. I did. I tried working 3 part time jobs but it was not enough so I had to quit college and my dream of going into IT, to support my wife and care for her. She never forgot that. I did eventually get the IT job of my dreams but I went about it the long way. I would write software for myself or the company even though it was not my job to do so. I started to have software companies ask me to work with them in return for free software for my company. That led to a full time job in IT at the same company I was hired to do a different job. I am in a good position of knowing all facets of my industry and how to design software for it. I found a niche that made my skills valuable and desirable. Find your niche and become the best you can at it. I am more qualified and better at the profession I had before I went into IT. I was picked as the alternate to a U.N. advisor who was in his 80's and could no longer travel much. I reached the top of my profession and having done so, disappeared to work for a small company with less stress and not forgetting what country I was waking up in or glad handing people I did not like.

I do not want to write a book and this is already too long. I just want to advise you to put your wife and marriage above all else. We did not have a monogamous marriage and yet my wife and I always put each other at the top of our priorities. We never worried about each other running off with a new lover or getting jealous. We had that close of a bond with each other that is still going strong 44 years later. Jobs come and go as do friends, but if you want someone who will be by your side when you are sick and need help, a loving wife is the best choice. Make her feel special and you will be rewarded ten fold. One more thing. I spoke to my doctor and learned that I was depressed. Depression is not like you see on TV or the Movies most of the time. It takes many forms and degrees. Once I was treated, I felt better about everything and my wife noticed the change in me and liked it.

It took effort to keep a 44 year marriage alive and loving. Our methods may not be to the liking of most people, but they worked very well for us and we are still in love. I got engaged to my wife 3 weeks after we met. It was truly love at first sight and we still do not know why. I wish you luck. Working on your marriage is the easiest problem to solve. Finding another job is not that difficult if you keep trying. It is just a matter of playing the odds. I got a new job during a recession when companies were letting people go because I could handle the job of two executives for the price of 1 1/2. That is how I sold myself and it worked. The company saved money and I made more money.

I used to be shy and withdrawn. I was often criticized by my employers about that, so I made an effort to change and I did. I am a hustler in life. I owned my own home, nice sports car and was married by the time I was 21. My friends were still in college and I was a branch manager. They all eventually came to work for me. They all divorced their first wives, but not me. Most called me immoral for my non traditional marriage, but they are the ones who divorced and cheated, which is against their religion, so that is the pot calling the kettle black.

My wife discovered her bisexuality after we were married. She was a virgin when I met her. I loved her enough to accommodate her need for a woman in her life, and she did it in a way that included me rather than cheat on me with women. It worked for me and in the end I had two women who loved me and whom I loved back. Funny thing is that I thought of my life as normal because it was the way I loved for most of it. It has been a fantastic life and a lot of fun. Good luck and work on bending life to your liking rather than being boxed it by it. Not having harmony at home can ruin your job, happiness and many other areas of your life. So work on that the most. From that foundation you can build the rest.


What a nice story and great advice.



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Citylinesox is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #62 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 04:27 PM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,395
Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

How's it going?
Marc878 is online now  
post #63 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 05:05 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 1,389
Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post
Again, thank you all for the responses, I value them a lot.

Spicy- you could be right, she has always fancied herself as a country girl and there is a guy at her work who is a farmer and while they work in different areas it sounds like in the work environment (morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea) they are inseparable, and he is the guy she is constantly texting & facebooking. He is married with 2 kids but my wife has let it slip they they are unhappy in their marriage and details of their sex life (frequency etc) that I don't think it is normal to talk about. I expect the conversation to have gone two ways.

I guess this is another problem, as much as he is married, I am sure I am being evaluated against him, or at least that is the way I feel.

So many thoughts swimming around in my head:
- do I try and hang in there till June and hope holiday repairs things - I doubt it can last that long
- do I cancel the study to devote more time to her - traps me in current role, and she has already frozen me out so not sure
- do I just try and find another job - down side there is I'm paid pretty well for what I do so anything else is going to be less, which still leaves the spending issues.
- also do I tell her I am going to see IC as I a serious about understanding my contribution to the problem. It may come across badly , not sure.

Again thank you
It sounds like she either is having an affair with this guy, or wants to. Either way, she is infatuated with the fantasy of him and comparing that to the reality of you, and that is a no win for the real human (you).

When people are having an affair, or even just making this unfair comparison in their mind, they rewrite reality to where their spouse is this huge disappointment and suddenly nothing you do is write. The problem is, if this is what's happening, there is nothing you can do until she stops the affair (real or mental) with this other guy. Everything you do will be irritating. Everything he does will be golden. It's how a person justifies what they're doing to themselves, by painting their spouse as the problem. But the problem is that she is betraying you.

Good job with the IC. I don't know if you should tell her or not. I kind of think not, at least not at first. But you could talk to your counselor about that.

I can't recall if you saw your Dr. yet or not but please do. Anti-depressants can help you get through this time so much. Just remember that no matter what you feel right now, it is temporary. Hopefully your marriage will recover, but even if it doesn't, people get divorced all the time and go on to be happy people no matter how painful the divorce. (When you're going through hell, just keep going.)

You sound like a really great guy. Smart, good job, hard working, take care of yourself physically, care about your wife, etc. OMG, you are a major catch in today's market place of men. Things like not noticing sleep on an eye or a tag sticking out? Stupid. She is playing a game you simply cannot win. It sounds like she feels neglected, but she will always be able to find something you didn't notice.

Your specific Questions:

- do I try and hang in there till June and hope holiday repairs things - I doubt it can last that long
The holiday cannot repair things. It may make you happy for a week or two but once it's over everything will go back to the status quo.

- do I cancel the study to devote more time to her - traps me in current role, and she has already frozen me out so not sure
How much time are you currently spending together? Women usually need a lot more one on one time than men do to feel connected. Also, did you decide on this continued study together? Does she show signs of resenting it? It sounds like she's having an affair (even if it's just in her mind) but if not, then she sounds like she feels neglected and invisible to you. If she is having an affair, spending time together won't work until you have killed the affair. But if she is just neglected, spending time together can be the answer. Please read this:
The Policy of Unidivided Attention


- do I just try and find another job - down side there is I'm paid pretty well for what I do so anything else is going to be less, which still leaves the spending issues.
If you are miserable I would try to find another job. You don't have to walk out of your current job until you find something you like. Who knows, you might find the perfect job for you, or job shopping may even help you like your current better. I would talk with her about how miserable you are and your desire to find something else. I wouldn't just take a significantly lower paying job w/out discussing it first. You can also explain you want more time to spend with her over more money.

- also do I tell her I am going to see IC as I a serious about understanding my contribution to the problem. It may come across badly , not sure.
Not sure - I'd see the IC and ask him/her.

Check out this whole website - including their surviving an affair side. You will make it through this one way or another. Please hang in there and remember this will pass. Get to a Dr. ASAP, and a hospital if necessary. This WILL pass.
Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice
WorkingWife is offline  
 
post #64 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 12:21 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 21
Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Thanks all for the messages. This situation is still evolving. We are still living under the same roof but barely. She has said she wants time by herself to work out who she is and get the noise out of her head. There are issues, pretty major ones going back to childhood she is working through with her counsellor.

She has finally spoken to a shared friend who explained to her that she would be repeating things back to me, indeed anything I say the friend will repeat back to her which is great as I am an open book with all this.

She confirmed to the friend the individual I thought she was having an emotional affair with (married guy with two kids, one of them 12months old) has been going on for quite awhile (years). . ..however the friend also added that this is not the guy I should worry about, there is another parallel emotional relationship that is more developed, still not physical. It is with a single guy with 2 kids from a previous marriage, who works in the same industry as her. As we have haven't had kids ourselves and that seems to have never been resolved she may be looking at it as a ready made family to move into.

Yesterday she wanted to run out and spend a substantial amount on a car for me so if she has time alone I am not left without transport. I said no, transport and a car isn't a priority, its a detail, what matters is our emotional and physical health so lets sort that.

She said she was looking at an apartment for 3 months but that would cost way too much, and she is now, very reluctantly talking of moving in with her folks at least for the short term.

If she gets an apartment by herself for a period, I feel there is no way there wouldnt be a moment for that one (or both) emotional relationship to become physical.. .however it's hardly the point, its already been a massive breach of trust. . .and both relationships still continue even today.

I am so thankful for the shared friend, they helped me see her side, some of my failings or at least how some of my behaviours particularly around communications come across. . . i have a lot to learn. ..and want to learn.

So the ball is in her court so to speak, if she moves to her parents that great, if she goes somewhere else I don't believe it can ever recover. I actually hope to get her to speak in person, at length to the shared friends I spoke to today. I chatted to these friends today really deeply about all of this for 6 hours straight and it was the best emotional education I have ever had, way better than the individual counsellor or couples counsellor.
falconbridge is offline  
post #65 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 02:04 PM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,395
Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Double post

Last edited by Marc878; 03-04-2017 at 02:09 PM.
Marc878 is online now  
post #66 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 02:06 PM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,395
Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post
Thanks all for the messages. This situation is still evolving. We are still living under the same roof but barely. She has said she wants time by herself to work out who she is and get the noise out of her head. There are issues, pretty major ones going back to childhood she is working through with her counsellor.

She has finally spoken to a shared friend who explained to her that she would be repeating things back to me, indeed anything I say the friend will repeat back to her which is great as I am an open book with all this.

She confirmed to the friend the individual I thought she was having an emotional affair with (married guy with two kids, one of them 12months old) has been going on for quite awhile (years). . ..however the friend also added that this is not the guy I should worry about, there is another parallel emotional relationship that is more developed, still not physical. It is with a single guy with 2 kids from a previous marriage, who works in the same industry as her. As we have haven't had kids ourselves and that seems to have never been resolved she may be looking at it as a ready made family to move into.

So how long have you been living a lie with her? You're whole marriage?

Yesterday she wanted to run out and spend a substantial amount on a car for me so if she has time alone I am not left without transport. I said no, transport and a car isn't a priority, its a detail, what matters is our emotional and physical health so lets sort that.

She said she was looking at an apartment for 3 months but that would cost way too much, and she is now, very reluctantly talking of moving in with her folks at least for the short term.

If she gets an apartment by herself for a period, I feel there is no way there wouldnt be a moment for that one (or both) emotional relationship to become physical.. .however it's hardly the point, its already been a massive breach of trust. . .and both relationships still continue even today.

I am so thankful for the shared friend, they helped me see her side, some of my failings or at least how some of my behaviours particularly around communications come across. . . i have a lot to learn. ..and want to learn.

My friend no one is perfect and no marriage is perfect. Obviously she has communication and other issues too. Instead of talking to you she brings another man or two into the marriage. Did you bring another woman in? See the difference. All betrayed spouses look for ways to blame themselves because they don't want to realize what their wayward spouses are. Better open your eyes to what you're in here.

So the ball is in her court so to speak, if she moves to her parents that great, if she goes somewhere else I don't believe it can ever recover. I actually hope to get her to speak in person, at length to the shared friends I spoke to today. I chatted to these friends today really deeply about all of this for 6 hours straight and it was the best emotional education I have ever had, way better than the individual counsellor or couples counsellor.

So she brings a couple other men into the marriage and you put the ball in her court? Don't put too much faith in your shared friend. This is your life not theirs. Your wife will probably paint a picture to them this is all your fault. Cheaters lie a lot. She wasn't going to tell you and probably won't tell the full truth to anyone.

You are correct. Separation is to try out the other man physically if she hasn't already.

If you're smart you'll go 180 until she drops the affairs and start going your own way. If not you'll stay in self imposed limbo for a long time to come.


Last edited by Marc878; 03-04-2017 at 02:13 PM.
Marc878 is online now  
post #67 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 02:18 PM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,395
Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

It sounds to me like you've been in a sham of a marriage for quite awhile. Better take some time and think about that.

Instead of actually being in love with her you may have a deep case of codependency and probably have no idea what a marriage is or should be.

Her actions (in this for years) are clearly not normal and you may be trying to hold onto something that never was or will be.
Marc878 is online now  
post #68 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 02:27 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Emerging Buddhist's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: World-wide
Posts: 1,460
Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

So there are four of you in this relationship... perhaps it's time to narrow this down to one.

Time to love yourself more...
Emerging Buddhist is offline  
post #69 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 02:28 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,024
Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Frankly your fooling yourself if you think for one minute that leaving the ball in her court this will work itself out but I suspect she has the upper hand in this relationship so you will cave like a house of cards at what ever decision she makes......if your fine with two EA, and not blow things up than you'll be fine with her moving in to an apartment. You need to look into the mirror and accept that you are a beta male and are willling to accept any crumbs she can give you, dear god man get some respect...
Lostinthought61 is offline  
post #70 of 70 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 02:36 PM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 8,048
Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Emerging Buddhist View Post
So there are four of you in this relationship... perhaps it's time to narrow this down to one.

Time to love yourself more...
QFT.


"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Feel like my marriage is falling apart Christoph0127 Considering Divorce or Separation 24 02-08-2017 03:17 PM
Marriage Crumbling JohnnyK Considering Divorce or Separation 118 07-11-2016 11:15 AM
I feel so distant from my wife, scared for what's next... ptomczyk11 General Relationship Discussion 7 06-19-2016 04:36 AM
I feel like i ran him off andI am really depressed. I just need to vent Maddy7 General Relationship Discussion 33 01-11-2016 11:02 AM
I feel at rock bottom and just want to not feel alone sarajane231 General Relationship Discussion 23 08-25-2015 11:36 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome