Feel like it's all crumbling around me. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 02:34 AM Thread Starter
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Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Basics
I am 42 years old, married with no children. (just two cats that I love dearly)
I work in IT and have done so for 20 years in various roles.
I donít take any form of drugs, not my scene.
I am a keen cyclist, and commute via push bike, adding in extra milage in the morning as exercise.

Relationship
- my wife is withdrawing from the relationship very quickly. We have been married for almost 8 years, and knew it other for 4 years prior to that.
She has cited various reasons, most notably that she feels that she is not my priority, the second was I donít do the little things like noticing sleep in her eye before we go out, or a tag sticking out. I believe there is a lot more to it. I look around me and I see lots of little things I do but it doesnít get acknowledged.
I can see she is hurting, I donít believe I fully understand why and itís killing me.
This kicked off over xmas when she just dropped a bombshell of how unhappy she is and she is reevaluating the relationship. I feel on trial every day, and everything I do is wrong so I am failing the evaluation.
She is on facebook all the time, messaging people etc and is very secretive about it, I have wondered if there is someone else, however I donít believe there is.
The email banter we used to have during the working day has stopped.
One thing I have noticed over the years is a key difference is she is not really an affectionate person, where I am more the run on hugs and pats on the back type. Things like when I finished each subject in my MBA she would just say Ďoh goodoí not well done or anything positive.
I have felt for a long time that I am a lower priority for her at least after family, but this could also be just the way she expresses herself.
We talked about having children at one point, however this was complicated by the fact she suffers with polycystic ovaries. We didnít try IVF, but she has one two occasions blamed me for the lack of children and my focus on work.
She has been on anti-depressants previously, but is not at the moment.
We love to travel and went to Alaska last March which was magic, and we have booked another holiday this year for June, however through the booking process we sat down together to go through it and I could feel she just wanted to get it over and done with.
Despite all of this and the way it sounds she is the love of my life.

Work
- I am stuck in a dead end, high stress job and I feel likely to be made redundant later this year.
I ended up in a dead end high stress job after the small company I worked for was acquired, they moved my function interstate, and the small team I had built up (10 people) were disbanded. The role I have been put in is called Service Delivery, and itís essentially the escalation point for when things go wrong, and they go wrong constantly. The role is one of day in day out negativity, stress and politics. This has been a huge drain on me and the relationship. Because IT is a fast moving field I have let a lot of technical skills lapse so the only other jobs I could get at the moment are similar high stress roles, but even those are hard to get here at this time.
The relationship issues are also having a negative impact on my work. I canít concentrate.
As much as work is a focus, I donít put in the hours that many around me do. I try and keep it isolated and donít like talking about work at home as I feel it brings negativity into the home. She however used to talk about work constantly, all the politics and carry on. It got to the point that when I was really hurting around some work issues I would ask her to stop as it was making me feel physically unwell listening to it. . . no matter the job work talk is all the same, and all it was doing was making me think of my work. She reacted badly to this and has clammed up completely.

Study
- I have engaged in a second masters degree to realign my career back to technical and away from management, however it is getting too much.
Study has been my answer to address the issue with work. I started the second masters degree in the middle of last year so still a long way to go. But the latest subject I have not been able to cope with or complete due to all the relationship stresses. I feel like this is slipping, I am failing and be escape path from the job is slipping out of my hands. I actually enjoy the study itself, it is somewhat of an escape but also gives me a sense that there is a future, but I just cant concentrate on it at the moment.

Family
- I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, they are elderly and slowing down. They live interstate. My wife however has a toxic hatred for my mother, Iíve never really understood why. The only two arguments I ever saw were my mother who is very sensitive, reacting badly to the way my wife said something. My wife has a habit of being exceedingly blunt. Now I have to almost call my parents in secret so as to not upset her.
- I have a good relationship with the inlaws, however I would note that my wifeís mother is a very blunt and direct person, and her father is almost disconnected emotionally. He is an amazing guy, he used to be a professional scientist and has a level of focus Iíve not seen before. My wife has a sister who treats their father terribly, the way she speaks to him and constantly puts him down is sad, I donít know how he copes. That said the way my wifeís sister speaks to their father is increasingly similar to way my wife speaks to me. Nothing is right, everything I do is wrong.

Friends
- I have largely withdrawn from many of my friends, so far as to say I have no independent friends, they are all Ďour friendsí, they are also all married with kids so have limited time and opportunity to see them. I know I am totally withdrawn and this is a bad thing.

Self
- I panic at having to speak to more than a few people at a time. Groups of say 5 or more and I just have to introduce myself leads to a sense of panic. This has been something I have had for many years, perhaps even high school.
- I feel my self esteem has been slowly eroding for a few years now, I look in the mirror and feel embarrassed by who I am, and as this snowballs out of control, who I am at risk of becoming.

Current situation
- I keep on thinking about suicide every few days, sometimes itís about how to do it, other times it is what a goodbye letter would be and the people that would be hurt by this action. I donít believe I will do it but the thoughts popping into my head regularly scare me.
- I have what I would call stress or anxiety attacks. These come on at various times and in slightly different ways, but it is an overwhelming feel of hurt and anxiousness, my torso feels like it is filled with acid and being eaten away. This is quite often during the day when I can't communicate with my wife.
- I feel I am loosing my love and so very alone.

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post #2 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:21 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post
Basics
I am 42 years old, married with no children. (just two cats that I love dearly)
I work in IT and have done so for 20 years in various roles.
I donít take any form of drugs, not my scene.
I am a keen cyclist, and commute via push bike, adding in extra milage in the morning as exercise.

Relationship
- my wife is withdrawing from the relationship very quickly. We have been married for almost 8 years, and knew it other for 4 years prior to that.
She has cited various reasons, most notably that she feels that she is not my priority, the second was I donít do the little things like noticing sleep in her eye before we go out, or a tag sticking out. I believe there is a lot more to it. I look around me and I see lots of little things I do but it doesnít get acknowledged.
I can see she is hurting, I donít believe I fully understand why and itís killing me.
This kicked off over xmas when she just dropped a bombshell of how unhappy she is and she is reevaluating the relationship. I feel on trial every day, and everything I do is wrong so I am failing the evaluation.
She is on facebook all the time, messaging people etc and is very secretive about it, I have wondered if there is someone else, however I donít believe there is.
The email banter we used to have during the working day has stopped.
One thing I have noticed over the years is a key difference is she is not really an affectionate person, where I am more the run on hugs and pats on the back type. Things like when I finished each subject in my MBA she would just say Ďoh goodoí not well done or anything positive.
I have felt for a long time that I am a lower priority for her at least after family, but this could also be just the way she expresses herself.
We talked about having children at one point, however this was complicated by the fact she suffers with polycystic ovaries. We didnít try IVF, but she has one two occasions blamed me for the lack of children and my focus on work.
She has been on anti-depressants previously, but is not at the moment.
We love to travel and went to Alaska last March which was magic, and we have booked another holiday this year for June, however through the booking process we sat down together to go through it and I could feel she just wanted to get it over and done with.
Despite all of this and the way it sounds she is the love of my life.

Work
- I am stuck in a dead end, high stress job and I feel likely to be made redundant later this year.
I ended up in a dead end high stress job after the small company I worked for was acquired, they moved my function interstate, and the small team I had built up (10 people) were disbanded. The role I have been put in is called Service Delivery, and itís essentially the escalation point for when things go wrong, and they go wrong constantly. The role is one of day in day out negativity, stress and politics. This has been a huge drain on me and the relationship. Because IT is a fast moving field I have let a lot of technical skills lapse so the only other jobs I could get at the moment are similar high stress roles, but even those are hard to get here at this time.
The relationship issues are also having a negative impact on my work. I canít concentrate.
As much as work is a focus, I donít put in the hours that many around me do. I try and keep it isolated and donít like talking about work at home as I feel it brings negativity into the home. She however used to talk about work constantly, all the politics and carry on. It got to the point that when I was really hurting around some work issues I would ask her to stop as it was making me feel physically unwell listening to it. . . no matter the job work talk is all the same, and all it was doing was making me think of my work. She reacted badly to this and has clammed up completely.

Study
- I have engaged in a second masters degree to realign my career back to technical and away from management, however it is getting too much.
Study has been my answer to address the issue with work. I started the second masters degree in the middle of last year so still a long way to go. But the latest subject I have not been able to cope with or complete due to all the relationship stresses. I feel like this is slipping, I am failing and be escape path from the job is slipping out of my hands. I actually enjoy the study itself, it is somewhat of an escape but also gives me a sense that there is a future, but I just cant concentrate on it at the moment.

Family
- I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, they are elderly and slowing down. They live interstate. My wife however has a toxic hatred for my mother, Iíve never really understood why. The only two arguments I ever saw were my mother who is very sensitive, reacting badly to the way my wife said something. My wife has a habit of being exceedingly blunt. Now I have to almost call my parents in secret so as to not upset her.
- I have a good relationship with the inlaws, however I would note that my wifeís mother is a very blunt and direct person, and her father is almost disconnected emotionally. He is an amazing guy, he used to be a professional scientist and has a level of focus Iíve not seen before. My wife has a sister who treats their father terribly, the way she speaks to him and constantly puts him down is sad, I donít know how he copes. That said the way my wifeís sister speaks to their father is increasingly similar to way my wife speaks to me. Nothing is right, everything I do is wrong.

Friends
- I have largely withdrawn from many of my friends, so far as to say I have no independent friends, they are all Ďour friendsí, they are also all married with kids so have limited time and opportunity to see them. I know I am totally withdrawn and this is a bad thing.

Self
- I panic at having to speak to more than a few people at a time. Groups of say 5 or more and I just have to introduce myself leads to a sense of panic. This has been something I have had for many years, perhaps even high school.
- I feel my self esteem has been slowly eroding for a few years now, I look in the mirror and feel embarrassed by who I am, and as this snowballs out of control, who I am at risk of becoming.

Current situation
- I keep on thinking about suicide every few days, sometimes itís about how to do it, other times it is what a goodbye letter would be and the people that would be hurt by this action. I donít believe I will do it but the thoughts popping into my head regularly scare me.
- I have what I would call stress or anxiety attacks. These come on at various times and in slightly different ways, but it is an overwhelming feel of hurt and anxiousness, my torso feels like it is filled with acid and being eaten away. This is quite often during the day when I can't communicate with my wife.
- I feel I am loosing my love and so very alone.
You really need to talk to her and let her know how this is making you feel. As someone who has lost family members to suicide and even considered it for myself once or twice, I have to say dont do it. The effect it has on those left behind is heartbreaking. Even people you wouldnt think cared. X

Speak to your family, they love you, seek proper support about your thoughts and feelings, but more importantly speak to your wife. If the relationship is over, then let it go, but please put yourself first xxx

Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk
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post #3 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 05:53 AM
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Cool Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

First off, get to your physician and have an extremely thorough checkup performed! Your personal health is something that you don't want to frivolously jeopardize!

Then you need to get yourself into Individual Counseling(IC) in order to get a handle on your personal life!

I would also recommend marriage counseling (MC) since it greatly appears that your W has all but checked out of your marriage and appears to be supplanting it with FB and other social media outlets, which for a woman with a mindset like that, can end up being the proverbial devils playground!

Please get that physical examination done post haste!

Welcome to TAM! Hate to see you here but it is simply a super place for getting all of the worthwhile advice from people who have foremostly been in your shoes at some juncture in their lives!

Best of luck to you my friend!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 02-15-2017 at 05:57 AM.
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post #4 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 06:22 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Falconbridge, I think you have far too much on your plate. Think about how you can cut down on the things you are doing. Also consider getting some IC to help you work through your emotions, etc.
Tell your wife exactly how you are feeling about everything and how overwhelmed you feel.
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post #5 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 05:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Thanks you for your words. I am struggling I know that, and each day feels a bit worse. Still I have reached out to two clubs of interest (cycling and astronomy) to try and do something for me, I have also made contact with a IC service for guidance and hope to see them next week. I might also try and reconnect with old friends, friendships in all honesty I have neglected.

I guess what is hurting me the most is she has started to enforce distance. I send emails to her during the work day about something and she does not respond anymore, and later tells me she was too busy, meanwhile I can see she is very active on facebook all day.

She says she is 'still here' and she hopes the holiday in June will bring things back, but I think the hurt on both sides will kill us both before then, for me at least.

Still I am trying to do one meaningful thing each day, whether it be make time for a walk, or think about a movie she would like and put that on, do ALL the chores around the house before she gets home, I wrote on the bathroom mirror the other day the top 20 reasons she is awesome. . .just anything I can think of.

What I don't know is what to tell friends, they all casually ask when I see them 'how are you going?" and I'm not sure as they are generally shared friends whether to open up to them and let them know I feel like I have been shot. They are people I know care, but it's also not fair to put them in the middle of something.

Sorry to put my burdens on to others, but I have had a pretty lucky life until now, never hit anything even remotely close to the feelings I have now and clearly not so good at managing it, but thanks again for the responses, I really appreciate it.
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post #6 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 11:33 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post
Current situation
- I keep on thinking about suicide every few days, sometimes itís about how to do it, other times it is what a goodbye letter would be and the people that would be hurt by this action. I donít believe I will do it but the thoughts popping into my head regularly scare me.

- I have what I would call stress or anxiety attacks. These come on at various times and in slightly different ways, but it is an overwhelming feel of hurt and anxiousness, my torso feels like it is filled with acid and being eaten away. This is quite often during the day when I can't communicate with my wife.

- I feel I am loosing my love and so very alone.
You are in crisis and need to act quickly. It's not all that unusual for someone going through what you are going through to have thoughts of suicide.

The good think is that there is something you can do about this.

You say that you are going to see a counselor. But please see your doctor as well. They can prescribe antidepressants that can help you work through this depression and anxiety. They help to clear away the fog of depression so you can work on solving your issues. They do not numb you, they will help you cope and heal.

Also, here are some resources for you. They can be another outlet for you to talk through your pain and thoughts of suicide.

Here is a link and phone number to a suicide prevention lifeline and their phone number.

Lifeline

1-800-273-TALK


Please call them and talk to them.

You can post here too of course.
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post #7 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 11:38 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

I hesitate to say it because you are so distraught and even mentioned some suicidal thoughts but MAYBE part of what's eating at your gut is the fact that your wife could very well be having an affair. Discovering the truth would be a bombshell of mega-proportion BUT if it's happening KNOWLEDGE of the truth doesn't/won't change the truth. If she's cheating, she's already destroyed/destroying you so discovering it can be, in one sense, a relief, because you'll know the truth about your life.

Don't ask her. If she's cheating she won't tell you. You've got to discover the truth yourself. You're an IT guy so that helps and although keyloggers or one of those sniffers or whatever should be easier for you to figure out, I find using a Voice Activated recorder hidden in their car (velcro'ed under the drivers seat) the fastest and easiest way to find out what it actually going on (never disclose you used a recorder or it will become all about how controlling and intrusive you are). There's a whole investigations thread in the "coping with infidelity" subforum.

Maybe you find nothing, but there's a lot of signs pointing to the fact she's having an affair. Once you discover the truth, you'll be able to proceed with your choices. I chose to try to save mine and eventually did. I'm happily married to the wife of my youth. It's been two decades. You don't have to reconcile and you may not even get the chance to depending on what your wife does but it is possible. Many might say without children you should just move on, but it's still your life and your decision either way.

I'm sorry you are here. I've found a lot of comfort at church and comforted many through my church. The larger churches near you likely have marriage programs to assist marriages in crisis so maybe something to look into.

I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen
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post #8 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 11:45 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Doesn't smell right. Nitpicking at little things. A lot of Facebook time isn't good.

Go online and check your phone bill.
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post #9 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 10:53 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post
Basics
I am 42 years old, married with no children. (just two cats that I love dearly)
I work in IT and have done so for 20 years in various roles.
I donít take any form of drugs, not my scene.
I am a keen cyclist, and commute via push bike, adding in extra milage in the morning as exercise.

Relationship
- my wife is withdrawing from the relationship very quickly. We have been married for almost 8 years, and knew it other for 4 years prior to that.
She has cited various reasons, most notably that she feels that she is not my priority, the second was I donít do the little things like noticing sleep in her eye before we go out, or a tag sticking out. I believe there is a lot more to it. I look around me and I see lots of little things I do but it doesnít get acknowledged.
I can see she is hurting, I donít believe I fully understand why and itís killing me.
This kicked off over xmas when she just dropped a bombshell of how unhappy she is and she is reevaluating the relationship. I feel on trial every day, and everything I do is wrong so I am failing the evaluation.
She is on facebook all the time, messaging people etc and is very secretive about it, I have wondered if there is someone else, however I donít believe there is.
The email banter we used to have during the working day has stopped.
One thing I have noticed over the years is a key difference is she is not really an affectionate person, where I am more the run on hugs and pats on the back type. Things like when I finished each subject in my MBA she would just say Ďoh goodoí not well done or anything positive.
I have felt for a long time that I am a lower priority for her at least after family, but this could also be just the way she expresses herself.
We talked about having children at one point, however this was complicated by the fact she suffers with polycystic ovaries. We didnít try IVF, but she has one two occasions blamed me for the lack of children and my focus on work.
She has been on anti-depressants previously, but is not at the moment.
We love to travel and went to Alaska last March which was magic, and we have booked another holiday this year for June, however through the booking process we sat down together to go through it and I could feel she just wanted to get it over and done with.
Despite all of this and the way it sounds she is the love of my life.

Work
- I am stuck in a dead end, high stress job and I feel likely to be made redundant later this year.
I ended up in a dead end high stress job after the small company I worked for was acquired, they moved my function interstate, and the small team I had built up (10 people) were disbanded. The role I have been put in is called Service Delivery, and itís essentially the escalation point for when things go wrong, and they go wrong constantly. The role is one of day in day out negativity, stress and politics. This has been a huge drain on me and the relationship. Because IT is a fast moving field I have let a lot of technical skills lapse so the only other jobs I could get at the moment are similar high stress roles, but even those are hard to get here at this time.
The relationship issues are also having a negative impact on my work. I canít concentrate.
As much as work is a focus, I donít put in the hours that many around me do. I try and keep it isolated and donít like talking about work at home as I feel it brings negativity into the home. She however used to talk about work constantly, all the politics and carry on. It got to the point that when I was really hurting around some work issues I would ask her to stop as it was making me feel physically unwell listening to it. . . no matter the job work talk is all the same, and all it was doing was making me think of my work. She reacted badly to this and has clammed up completely.

Study
- I have engaged in a second masters degree to realign my career back to technical and away from management, however it is getting too much.
Study has been my answer to address the issue with work. I started the second masters degree in the middle of last year so still a long way to go. But the latest subject I have not been able to cope with or complete due to all the relationship stresses. I feel like this is slipping, I am failing and be escape path from the job is slipping out of my hands. I actually enjoy the study itself, it is somewhat of an escape but also gives me a sense that there is a future, but I just cant concentrate on it at the moment.

Family
- I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, they are elderly and slowing down. They live interstate. My wife however has a toxic hatred for my mother, Iíve never really understood why. The only two arguments I ever saw were my mother who is very sensitive, reacting badly to the way my wife said something. My wife has a habit of being exceedingly blunt. Now I have to almost call my parents in secret so as to not upset her.
- I have a good relationship with the inlaws, however I would note that my wifeís mother is a very blunt and direct person, and her father is almost disconnected emotionally. He is an amazing guy, he used to be a professional scientist and has a level of focus Iíve not seen before. My wife has a sister who treats their father terribly, the way she speaks to him and constantly puts him down is sad, I donít know how he copes. That said the way my wifeís sister speaks to their father is increasingly similar to way my wife speaks to me. Nothing is right, everything I do is wrong.

Friends
- I have largely withdrawn from many of my friends, so far as to say I have no independent friends, they are all Ďour friendsí, they are also all married with kids so have limited time and opportunity to see them. I know I am totally withdrawn and this is a bad thing.

Self
- I panic at having to speak to more than a few people at a time. Groups of say 5 or more and I just have to introduce myself leads to a sense of panic. This has been something I have had for many years, perhaps even high school.
- I feel my self esteem has been slowly eroding for a few years now, I look in the mirror and feel embarrassed by who I am, and as this snowballs out of control, who I am at risk of becoming.

Current situation
- I keep on thinking about suicide every few days, sometimes itís about how to do it, other times it is what a goodbye letter would be and the people that would be hurt by this action. I donít believe I will do it but the thoughts popping into my head regularly scare me.
- I have what I would call stress or anxiety attacks. These come on at various times and in slightly different ways, but it is an overwhelming feel of hurt and anxiousness, my torso feels like it is filled with acid and being eaten away. This is quite often during the day when I can't communicate with my wife.
- I feel I am loosing my love and so very alone.
What you are feeling is perfectly normal.

You must seek help for your suicidal thoughts.

Your doctor should be able to help you.

Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK is available to people in the USA.

In the UK and Ireland you can call the Samaritans free on 116 123.
Samaritans |

Other resources are available in various parts of the world. Google/Bing should be able to help you.

You can, of course, keep posting here. we will be here for you.

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #10 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 10:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Thank you all for your words.

Every time I walk in the room she has this look of disappointment or anger at my existence. She speaks to me in as few words as possible. I don't understand, as I haven't done anything bad (that I am aware of). Each day seems to drag on forever. Today I was super sick with food poisoning and she seemed like she couldn't care less and she drive 80miles away to a park to play with her camera and photograph animals for the day. Not that she could do much but it's something i would not have done.

I have identified financial communications as a major issue for us. We are in a reasonable position financially, however we put everything on the credit card for the month and then pay off the whole thing at the end of the month. Since September last year we have been spending more than we make, the expenditure is all understandable but I wanted to cut back a,little and a few times she said about buying stuff and I said I wasn't comfortable with it until credit card was square again. She hit the roof saying she had never denied me anything. Trouble is I am the only one who looks at the credit card, she has never ever looked at it forcing me to be the credit card police. I have suggested we need to get her another login (old one expired from not being used) and she couldn't care less.

I am seeing IC for first time on Monday, I am pinning many hopes on this.

I haven't told her I am going to IC, but I wonder if I should, not to make her feel bad but to let her know I am super serious to understand and fix anything about me or my behaviour.

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post #11 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 11:39 AM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

OK, thanks for the info. Most just ask for advice and tell us little. Where do I start? I too am in IT and went through some of the things you are having problems with. Let's start with dead end job. I had a few of those and quit them. It was hard because no one likes going on interviews and being turned down and we all seem to minimize what we bring to the table. We worry if we will succeed or even like our new jobs. I made the change after 5 years of going nowhere and I made more money by changing. I quickly learned that the fastest way to make more money is to change jobs. No one really cares anymore how many jobs you had or how long you stayed there. I have had 8 or more jobs in 45 years and the one I have now consumed about 25 of those years and is the second time I am working for the same company. The big difference is that now I get 25% of the profits. I had to leave and hold out for 3 years while I took on some jobs I hated, but paid very well, but in the end I make lots more money, work at home from a tropical location and get paid for 5 days but only work 3 in the summer and 4 in the winter. Plus the profit split. I used to be loyal to my employer until I found out that we are all disposable. Bottom line is what counts. I believe that my job is always to be looking for a better job. When I get a new job I update my resume and post it on all the job searching sites. I did got a job paying a lot of money that way. They chased me and finally asked what it would take for me to work with them. I blew them off with some ridiculous wage and they accepted. Then when I was interviewed, somehow they thought I told them I wanted $25K more than I had really asked for and I did not correct them. Employers will try to pay their people as little as they can.

My current company if filled with many people whose only job was with us and they are not ambitious, do not ask or try for promotions and are happy with whatever we pay them. We try to be fair of course, but we do not know their financial needs better than they do unless they speak up. So start looking for a new job. I have moved 13 times to get to my dream job and substantially increased my income during the process. We got to live in different States for a few years, made new friends and explored our new cities. It brought my wife and I closer since we only had each other when we moved, so we became best friends. My wife mentioned this just tonight and remarked ath we were each other's only friends many times. We also had cats, 3 of them, and moved them with us each time. Now I have one dog. No kids here either so I was free to accept jobs anywhere I wanted to. It prevented us from falling into a rut and kept things new and fresh.

As to not noticing your wife. I am the opposite. My wife tells me that I smother her with attention and love. I will always notice a tag sticking out and compliment my wife every chance I get. She is my world. I have left jobs because she was unhappy about the new place we lived. However, she recognized that I was building a career and that meant being away for a few months each year. She put up with it and never complained. In fact, we both got used to having a lot of alone time. Sometimes too much togetherness is not good. Take an interest in your wife. Ask her about her day, her plans, her wants, etc.. That is just mental discipline and easy to learn. I have known a few cheating wives in my time and their biggest reason for cheating was that their husbands took them for granted, did not make them feel desirable and did not take them anyplace where they can get all dressed up and be admired by others. Nothing is as good for an ego than to have others look at you with desire in their eyes. So make the effort to make your wife feel like she did when you dated.

I have no friends at the moment, just acquaintances. Currently I am devoting most of my time to my work so that I can retire in a few years. It has paid off handsomely so far. I am, or used to be, very social when we planted roots for more than a few years. I had a group of friends to hang out with, but since I grew old, I am enjoying life by myself for a change.

The first time I was asked unexpectedly to speak to a large crowd I had to hold on to the podium to keep from falling. My legs felt like rubber and I thought that my voice was shaky. People said I did a good job, but I was scared out of my mind. However, my job required that I not only speak before large groups, but also convince large companies to pay my company large sums for our services. Over time I gained confidence and could speak to an auditorium of Kodak employees and meet with politicians like Ted Kennedy, Mayors, CEO's of Fortune 500 companies and government leaders all over Europe and Asia. Now my wife cannot shut me up. The secret was knowing what you are talking about and realizing that even if you know a little more than your audience, they will look at you as an expert, especially if you call yourself one. Self confidence will not only take you far in life but women find it sexy. I had ample opportunities to cheat on my wife while overseas, but I turned them all down. If that was not hard enough, prospective subcontractors where always trying to throw women, money, boats, trips, etc. at me to gain favor. I never took anything from anyone because I want to be me and not owing favors to others.

I learned a very valuable life lesson. The greatest skill you can have to succeed, is to be able to sell yourself and/or your ideas. I was hired for every job I interviewed for and I sometimes interviewed for jobs I did not want just to see if they would make me an offer or for practice. Over time I volunteered for projects that would look good on my resume and completed them. That made me more and more valuable. So know your stuff and push yourself to speak before groups. If needed, have your doctor prescribe Xanax to get rid of the anxiety. I still keep some around. I often put myself in positions that made me uncomfortable or that I feared, so that I had to do what I did not want to do, but would be good for me in the end. Heck, I volunteered to go to Vietnam just to make sure that I had courage. That gave me a lot of self confidence until I entered the business world and had to learn a whole new set of skills. My self confidence did help in a way though. It told me that I could learn and fit into my new environment.

I believe that you can be happy without a lot of friends, or any. Being a loner is often viewed as a problem, but it gives you freedom. No more compromising on what restaurant to eat at or movie to see. No getting caught up in the petty disagreements that occur in a group of friends who get too involved in each other's business. I am free to do anything I want or nothing at all. After a lifetime of travel I am enjoying staying at home and not running to catch a plane or glad handing people I do not like. I live in a very large retirement community with 2,000 clubs to join so if I want companionship, it is easy to find. I just do not like joining anything. In a group you have to do what the majority wants to do and that is like two wolves and a lamb deciding what to eat for lunch.

One morning after working 7 months for a company that paid me enough to start looking for small mansions, I realized that I hated the job. Loved the money but I quit that day. I could not work at a job I did not like, for a person I did not like. I found a small company that paid me a third of what I was making, moved into a smaller house and have been happy ever since. My point is to do what it takes job wise to make you happy. If you are happy at your job, your life will be happy. The problem with some people is that they are not willing to do what it takes to get what they want. I do not let life bend me to its will. I try, and often succeed in bending life to my will because I will do whatever it takes to do so.

If you love your wife as I do mine, pay more attention to her. Do things to make her feel appreciated and desired and most of all, consider her needs and wants in every decision you make that affects her in any way. We have never done anything that the other was against. We always compromised or did not do it. People tell my wife that she is lucky to have a husband like me who is so obviously in love with her, and who wants to make her happy. Be like me and many other husbands out there. Show your wife that she is the center of your world. I gave up finishing college to take care of my wife who fell ill on the first night of our honeymoon. Most newlyweds do not call a doctor on the first day they arrive at a hotel. I did. I tried working 3 part time jobs but it was not enough so I had to quit college and my dream of going into IT, to support my wife and care for her. She never forgot that. I did eventually get the IT job of my dreams but I went about it the long way. I would write software for myself or the company even though it was not my job to do so. I started to have software companies ask me to work with them in return for free software for my company. That led to a full time job in IT at the same company I was hired to do a different job. I am in a good position of knowing all facets of my industry and how to design software for it. I found a niche that made my skills valuable and desirable. Find your niche and become the best you can at it. I am more qualified and better at the profession I had before I went into IT. I was picked as the alternate to a U.N. advisor who was in his 80's and could no longer travel much. I reached the top of my profession and having done so, disappeared to work for a small company with less stress and not forgetting what country I was waking up in or glad handing people I did not like.

I do not want to write a book and this is already too long. I just want to advise you to put your wife and marriage above all else. We did not have a monogamous marriage and yet my wife and I always put each other at the top of our priorities. We never worried about each other running off with a new lover or getting jealous. We had that close of a bond with each other that is still going strong 44 years later. Jobs come and go as do friends, but if you want someone who will be by your side when you are sick and need help, a loving wife is the best choice. Make her feel special and you will be rewarded ten fold. One more thing. I spoke to my doctor and learned that I was depressed. Depression is not like you see on TV or the Movies most of the time. It takes many forms and degrees. Once I was treated, I felt better about everything and my wife noticed the change in me and liked it.

It took effort to keep a 44 year marriage alive and loving. Our methods may not be to the liking of most people, but they worked very well for us and we are still in love. I got engaged to my wife 3 weeks after we met. It was truly love at first sight and we still do not know why. I wish you luck. Working on your marriage is the easiest problem to solve. Finding another job is not that difficult if you keep trying. It is just a matter of playing the odds. I got a new job during a recession when companies were letting people go because I could handle the job of two executives for the price of 1 1/2. That is how I sold myself and it worked. The company saved money and I made more money.

I used to be shy and withdrawn. I was often criticized by my employers about that, so I made an effort to change and I did. I am a hustler in life. I owned my own home, nice sports car and was married by the time I was 21. My friends were still in college and I was a branch manager. They all eventually came to work for me. They all divorced their first wives, but not me. Most called me immoral for my non traditional marriage, but they are the ones who divorced and cheated, which is against their religion, so that is the pot calling the kettle black.

My wife discovered her bisexuality after we were married. She was a virgin when I met her. I loved her enough to accommodate her need for a woman in her life, and she did it in a way that included me rather than cheat on me with women. It worked for me and in the end I had two women who loved me and whom I loved back. Funny thing is that I thought of my life as normal because it was the way I loved for most of it. It has been a fantastic life and a lot of fun. Good luck and work on bending life to your liking rather than being boxed it by it. Not having harmony at home can ruin your job, happiness and many other areas of your life. So work on that the most. From that foundation you can build the rest.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 02-19-2017 at 09:54 PM.
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post #12 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 12:47 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

If you feel like hurting yourself please get help. Emotions waver back and forth and if you feel like your going to harm yourself know that it will pass and If you can't see the light call for help.

My mother was having a breakdown and said she didn't trust herself and thought she was going to harm herself or my dad. She didn't even trust herself driving. She walked to the hospital and had herself committed. This was a voluntary thing so she would leave at anytime. It was the best thing she did. She knew when too much was too much and she couldn't handle it and she got help. It's been 20 years later and she is doing great and happily married to my dad still.
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post #13 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 03:26 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Honey, first off, here is a great big HUGE cyber hug for you.
You really sound like such a sweet man.
Be sure to follow up with your doctor about meds to help your sadness and any suicidal thoughts.
Get your parents involved. Tell them how you feel and what is going on. You need them, and they WANT to know you are going through this. Trust me, I kept my parents out of the loop and it was a huge mistake.

The way she is acting makes me think these two things:

1.) She is hiding something from you, it could me smaller like flirting, it could be an emotional affair, it could be physical.
2.) They way she is treating you is the way women act when they are done in a relationship. You are being frozen out.

Of course I could be completely wrong, but that is what my gut tells me after reading your post.
Let us continue to help you sweetheart. I wish you the best.

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #14 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 04:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

Again, thank you all for the responses, I value them a lot.

Spicy- you could be right, she has always fancied herself as a country girl and there is a guy at her work who is a farmer and while they work in different areas it sounds like in the work environment (morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea) they are inseparable, and he is the guy she is constantly texting & facebooking. He is married with 2 kids but my wife has let it slip they they are unhappy in their marriage and details of their sex life (frequency etc) that I don't think it is normal to talk about. I expect the conversation to have gone two ways.

I guess this is another problem, as much as he is married, I am sure I am being evaluated against him, or at least that is the way I feel.

So many thoughts swimming around in my head:
- do I try and hang in there till June and hope holiday repairs things - I doubt it can last that long
- do I cancel the study to devote more time to her - traps me in current role, and she has already frozen me out so not sure
- do I just try and find another job - down side there is I'm paid pretty well for what I do so anything else is going to be less, which still leaves the spending issues.
- also do I tell her I am going to see IC as I a serious about understanding my contribution to the problem. It may come across badly , not sure.

Again thank you
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post #15 of 70 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 04:20 PM
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Re: Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

The coworker sounds like a huge problem. You may have your answer right there. Social media and texting apps and the like are such a breeding ground for easy affairs. If they are discussing his sex life, that relationship has gotten too familiar and needs to stop. Don't tolerate your wife to dating her coworker during her lunches and breaks. That is not appropriate for either of them. Tell your wife this. I am certian his wife will agree. My guess is they are way more invovlved than you know. Maybe she is trying to break it to you slowly as she waits for him to ditch the mother of his babies. Don't allow yourself to be a doormat. Stand up for what is right. She has told you these things. Tell her you want this to all stop immediately. Also do what others have suggested as far as seeing what else she is up too via VAR, phone records, and snooping on her phone and social media.

Since you are unsure if she even wants to stay married, I wouldn't start doing major life altering things at this point. Work on yourself, yes, but changing your education and employment to attempt to make her happy, no.

I see no harm in telling her you are very concerned for your marriage, and are going to actively seek help to make it stronger. Invite her to marriage counseling also.

I wish I was getting a better vibe on this for you.

Ciao,

Spicy
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