Re: Money/Work/Husband ugh!!
Thank you for all the posts; I was pretty pissed off when I wrote that so it was lacking in detail. My fault!
First of all, something important to note is that H has depression and anxiety; not super sever, but enough that he would rather never not leave the house or meet new people (which makes finding a job a huge ordeal for him). This is challenging for me because I really love being social, but I've kind of come to terms with it. I have a group of friends that have kids the same age as mine and it's kind of expected that H doesnt join us on our little ventures. It's kind of an unsaid understanding with him and everyone I know. He's pretty good with "allowing" me and the kids to do our own thing when it comes to that; sometimes he'll grumble, but not usually. Sometimes, it bums me out that he doesn't participate like I wish he would; I see my friends with their outgoing husbands and sometimes get jealous... but, after 6 years, I'm used to it.
We have 3 kids. 2 school aged and a 2 year old. H stays home with 2 year old.. we both get up and get kids ready (ie: lunches, breakfast, clothing etc) and I drive them on my way into work. He picks them up from the bus at the end of the day and makes dinner for when I get home. He cooks, and will do the laundry and dishes, but that's about it. I need to clean and fold the laundry or else it won't get done. I'm not complaining about that, though... I think that's a fine arrangement. I don't mind helping out. Sometimes I wish he cleaned up after himself a BIT more... but, I dont usually spend my energy on that battle.
Yes, we had agreed on this current situation; he was working a good job a year ago but was fired for not keeping up pace and basically being a lazy employee. He didn't work for while, and during this time, we had a pipe burst in the kitchen which caused for a huge renovation. I had to take out quite a large loan to get the house back in order. Finally, I got fed up with him not working and threatened to leave. He got a minimum wage job at a factory during the night shift. He hated it and was miserable. We had a specific situation come up that was very dramatic and overwhelming for me; basically one of my friends was caught abusing her son; so he was placed in my custody. She started showing up at the house, threatening me, calling my phone over and over, leaving terrible voicemails and text messages. I was feeling unsafe with the kids at home at night and eventually asked him to stay home so I could continue to focus on my work (which was not going well with all the stress and distraction) ... we talked about it, and we thought, he hates his job anyway, he's miserable, which isn't nice for anyone in the family. Money will be tight, but at least we'll feel safe.
So he happily quit his job pretty much that second and our circumstance worked out for a while.
Between the loan we took out, both our students debts, the car payment (we share 1 vehicle) and our mortgage, which gets higher and higher with property tax (we live in an up and coming area)... plus my daughter is in dance, and my son is in karate.. plus groceries and gas and credit cards and bills; I"m suffocating.
I"m not upset that he hasn't been working; we agreed on that, and I get it. What bothered me is his lack of offer to HELP me. My friend is no longer a threat, and the safety situation isn't a big deal anymore. But when we were in that meeting.... I was getting pounded with bad news. "Here's how much you owe here, and here, and here, and your credit is terrible, and you didn't do this right, and now you cant do this and on and on and on" I was close to tears, because we DON'T live beyond our means... I'm trying so hard to keep everything a float... and he just sat there. Saying nothing. And when I brought it up last night, he said, "everything happens for a reason. we dont have to do anything yet"
I'm angry and hurt because if the tables WERE turned... I would have applied to 16 different places right now and I would be picking up a waitress job somewhere whenever I could. I would HELP us. I would WANT to help us. I would have the brains to say, "wow. he is already doing everything he can, and he needs help" ... and that's not what I'm getting back from him. I'm getting a shrug and a "there, there" and that's not what I need.
I alsio understand that it' up to me to COMMUNICATE all this to him. And I will, but I"m dreading it because he's just going to mope and make me feel guilty and come down super hard on himself saying things like, "I"m a bad husband, I've let you down".. he may cry.. He's one of those people that has a problem to every solution... so I somewhere along the line, stopped asking him to help me. I feel stronger without him.. and I think that says alot.
My heart is not in this relationship anymore... I"m tired of his negativity and general vibe. I dunno. I expected more out of marriage... We got pregnant within our first year of dating... and married soon after she was born. My head wasn't clear, almost. I feel like I was in la la land, thinking everything would work itself out... I'm still young, 27. He's 38.
He's not a ad man. He's a great father; my kids ADORE him. H makes me breakfast in the morning and lunch for work. I know he loves me, and he's doing the best he knows how.. but I'm tired of pretending I'm okay with our relationship. It's stale and boring. We have "okay" sex 1-2 times a month.
Anyway... that's that.