Money/Work/Husband ugh!! - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 06:32 PM
*Deidre*'s Avatar
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Re: Money/Work/Husband ugh!!

It could just be that you're living beyond your means. Many couples have one parent staying at home with the kids, while the other works...but they have to live within the money that's coming in on the one paycheck. If you're both over spending, or your mortgage is too high, etc...maybe making adjustments will help. There's a reason your husband didn't take a job, and is staying at home...I wouldn't want that arrangement when I get married, personally, but you both agreed to one parent being at home, so...maybe it's a matter of figuring out if you're living beyond your paycheck, and downsizing?

Personally, your husband could work parttime on the weekends or something, when you're at least get out of some of the debt. It's not wrong for you to want that, but sounds like he has become used to you running things financially...and maybe he feels that to now ''take charge'''s just not what he's been used to.

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post #17 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 07:51 PM
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Re: Money/Work/Husband ugh!!

Originally Posted by Daisy12 View Post
Also how old are your children? Is your husband home all day while they are in school or is he taking care of the children while you work. I can't help but feel if these roles were reversed it would be socially acceptable for him to stay at home and take care of the children because millions of woman do it while being totally supported by their husbands. There is no shame in being a stay at home Dad imo and not a lot of men can or would want to do that.

Can you really not afford to live on 80,000 a year or has there been mismanagement somewhere along the way with your finances? Does your husband have any marketable skills that would get him a decent paying job as you have to consider the cost of daycare which can eat up a person's pay check pretty quickly. I don't know what your cost of living is in your area, but that would be enough money to support my family of 6.

If it's simple case of you need more money in the household then tell him point blank you need to get a job during the hours that I am home to watch the kids, or find a job that pays enough to warrant putting them in daycare and that this is not negotiable.
I'm sure I'll pi$$ a lot of people off, but this. I'm only living off support right now. 23 years of marriage gone wrong, blah blah blah. I haven't worked the entire time (not by my choice). But, I'm managing to pay the mortgage and all of the household bills, all the while I can max out my HSA and IRA and have plenty to live off of and take a vacation while not bringing on any debt. I am a budget fanatic so maybe that's why. My support (spousal and child) is about 68k a year. Priorities.
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post #18 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 11:59 PM
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Re: Money/Work/Husband ugh!!

Originally Posted by TheHappyGuy View Post
I've been reading all the replies while imagining the situation the other way round, that you are the guy complaining about your wife wanting to stay at home looking after the kids. I wonder if people would be so outraged.....

You don't many details about your partner and kids, but in case he does the housework and looks after the kids, the arrangement is perfectly fine in my opinion. Many guys go to work, make $80,000, don't lift a finger at home and expects their wifes to do everything from child rearing over shopping, cooking and cleaning, etc. Why do you feel your husband has to work? Why is $80,000 not enough to support the family? Maybe you live above your means and should indeed downsize.
Unfortunately, for many women, they work and still come home and do everything while their husbands, go play golf or sit outside reading the newspaper. But you have a point.
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post #19 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 08:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Money/Work/Husband ugh!!

Hi everyone,
Thank you for all the posts; I was pretty pissed off when I wrote that so it was lacking in detail. My fault!

First of all, something important to note is that H has depression and anxiety; not super sever, but enough that he would rather never not leave the house or meet new people (which makes finding a job a huge ordeal for him). This is challenging for me because I really love being social, but I've kind of come to terms with it. I have a group of friends that have kids the same age as mine and it's kind of expected that H doesnt join us on our little ventures. It's kind of an unsaid understanding with him and everyone I know. He's pretty good with "allowing" me and the kids to do our own thing when it comes to that; sometimes he'll grumble, but not usually. Sometimes, it bums me out that he doesn't participate like I wish he would; I see my friends with their outgoing husbands and sometimes get jealous... but, after 6 years, I'm used to it.

We have 3 kids. 2 school aged and a 2 year old. H stays home with 2 year old.. we both get up and get kids ready (ie: lunches, breakfast, clothing etc) and I drive them on my way into work. He picks them up from the bus at the end of the day and makes dinner for when I get home. He cooks, and will do the laundry and dishes, but that's about it. I need to clean and fold the laundry or else it won't get done. I'm not complaining about that, though... I think that's a fine arrangement. I don't mind helping out. Sometimes I wish he cleaned up after himself a BIT more... but, I dont usually spend my energy on that battle.

Yes, we had agreed on this current situation; he was working a good job a year ago but was fired for not keeping up pace and basically being a lazy employee. He didn't work for while, and during this time, we had a pipe burst in the kitchen which caused for a huge renovation. I had to take out quite a large loan to get the house back in order. Finally, I got fed up with him not working and threatened to leave. He got a minimum wage job at a factory during the night shift. He hated it and was miserable. We had a specific situation come up that was very dramatic and overwhelming for me; basically one of my friends was caught abusing her son; so he was placed in my custody. She started showing up at the house, threatening me, calling my phone over and over, leaving terrible voicemails and text messages. I was feeling unsafe with the kids at home at night and eventually asked him to stay home so I could continue to focus on my work (which was not going well with all the stress and distraction) ... we talked about it, and we thought, he hates his job anyway, he's miserable, which isn't nice for anyone in the family. Money will be tight, but at least we'll feel safe.

So he happily quit his job pretty much that second and our circumstance worked out for a while.

Between the loan we took out, both our students debts, the car payment (we share 1 vehicle) and our mortgage, which gets higher and higher with property tax (we live in an up and coming area)... plus my daughter is in dance, and my son is in karate.. plus groceries and gas and credit cards and bills; I"m suffocating.

I"m not upset that he hasn't been working; we agreed on that, and I get it. What bothered me is his lack of offer to HELP me. My friend is no longer a threat, and the safety situation isn't a big deal anymore. But when we were in that meeting.... I was getting pounded with bad news. "Here's how much you owe here, and here, and here, and your credit is terrible, and you didn't do this right, and now you cant do this and on and on and on" I was close to tears, because we DON'T live beyond our means... I'm trying so hard to keep everything a float... and he just sat there. Saying nothing. And when I brought it up last night, he said, "everything happens for a reason. we dont have to do anything yet"

I'm angry and hurt because if the tables WERE turned... I would have applied to 16 different places right now and I would be picking up a waitress job somewhere whenever I could. I would HELP us. I would WANT to help us. I would have the brains to say, "wow. he is already doing everything he can, and he needs help" ... and that's not what I'm getting back from him. I'm getting a shrug and a "there, there" and that's not what I need.

I alsio understand that it' up to me to COMMUNICATE all this to him. And I will, but I"m dreading it because he's just going to mope and make me feel guilty and come down super hard on himself saying things like, "I"m a bad husband, I've let you down".. he may cry.. He's one of those people that has a problem to every solution... so I somewhere along the line, stopped asking him to help me. I feel stronger without him.. and I think that says alot.

My heart is not in this relationship anymore... I"m tired of his negativity and general vibe. I dunno. I expected more out of marriage... We got pregnant within our first year of dating... and married soon after she was born. My head wasn't clear, almost. I feel like I was in la la land, thinking everything would work itself out... I'm still young, 27. He's 38.

He's not a ad man. He's a great father; my kids ADORE him. H makes me breakfast in the morning and lunch for work. I know he loves me, and he's doing the best he knows how.. but I'm tired of pretending I'm okay with our relationship. It's stale and boring. We have "okay" sex 1-2 times a month.

Anyway... that's that.
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post #20 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 08:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Money/Work/Husband ugh!!

Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
What does your husband with his time? Is her really taking care of the children? Does he take care of the home, shop, cook, etc? Or is he doing something else?

I've wondered this. I do all the shopping and take care of most of the cleaning.. he definitely cooks more than I do, and he has 1 very easy going kids to care for. He picks the kids up from the bus stops and gets dinner ready. I do homework with the kids.. and we both do bedtime routine together.
He is a PC gamer... sometimes I suspect he does that a lot during the day... but I can't say for sure.
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post #21 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 10:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Money/Work/Husband ugh!!

Sorry- one more thing...

I do realize that it takes 2 to tango. I've been in IC this past year so I can learn how to better communicate and resolve issues with my husband. My therapist just recently closed sessions with me, because things seemed to be going well.

I have a hard time communicating with my H because I am always fearful of the guilt that will come from it; which is also my own problem. I choose to feel the guilt; I allow it, and I should be strong enough to look past it. It's a tough one for me that I struggle with every day.

I know that a lot of these issues are because of my enabling him. Most of the men in my life are workaholics, and I project disappointment onto him when I don't see him care about work..

He wants a simple life. I want an adventurous one. He thinks that means unstable and chaotic; I don't agree. Our lifestyle preferences are vastly different.

I'm am putting effort into growing myself to become a mature responsible adult and parent, and I dont feel like he cares to that for himself. I do a lot of spiritual growth, and read a lot of books on purpose and fulfillment; he laughs at those ideas. He thinks its all silly. This limits a lot of our conversations and I feel, our connection is strained.

A few times, I have said, "I don't feel connected with you. I don't feel like we have any kind of common ground or connection; I'd like to work on that" His response: "What do you mean.. we're connecting right now!"

I've concluded that he simply doesnt understand what it means to connect with someone on a soulful level; something I crave.
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