Money/Work/Husband ugh!! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 02:36 PM Thread Starter
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Money/Work/Husband ugh!!

This is more of a venting post than anything...

I'm so done!! I've been the only one working in my household for a while now... and I make really good money (almost $80,000/year).. but we're still going under.

I had a meeting at the bank today because I knew things were bad.. but I didn't know how bad. Between all the debt payments, and mortgage, and bills, I'm barely, barely scrapping by. My credit score is **** because I've been putting mortgage and groceries over my credit card payments... and my husband just sat there, stupid.
Didn't offer to work, find a job or nothing. My banker asked him three times, "You're not bringing in any money? not even cash jobs or anything?" .. I was humiliated.
I'm going to have to sell my house to pay off this debt .. and than rent for at least 6 months before I can get my credit score back up to where I can qualify for another house!
My husband's credit score is perfect! His debt is low... because everything's in my name!

I just can't believe it. I'm fuming!! I said in the meeting, "Wow, you're getting all the damn pie in this relationship!" I've had my tax guy AND my banker tell me I'd be better of financially without him!

I tried to justify it saying that it's better for my kids to have a parent in the home... but I don't know if that's real, or just excuses. I grew up in a single parent house, so I realize I have weird opinions about how a "healthy" home should look like...

I'm going to go home later today and he's going to look at me saying, "what do we do?" ... is it wrong for me to want a man that will take charge and say, "hey.. this is what I'M going to do to help us out, because I can see that you're already doing EVERYTHING you can!!"

Last time money came up and I told him how hard things were, and we may have to down size... instead of offering to get a job or to do something.. he just got moody and said, "I feel guilty. I feel like I'm letting you down" ... This is my fault because i ****ing baby him and say, "it's okay. the kids need one of us here for them" ... so it's just as much my fault for putting up with it! I'm angry at myself for being such a coward with him.

Guys, I'm so distraught. I told him not to talk to me in the car after the meeting because it was taking everything in me to not just say, "I'm DONE"

When we sell the house... I wanna rent my own place.

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post #2 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 03:01 PM
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Re: Money/Work/Husband ugh!!

Nope. Tell him you do not need a house husband. Get off his arse and get a job. As much enjoyment your H had in contributing to the financial hole he can enjoy with the clawing out. He may find a night time job.

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post #3 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 03:01 PM
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Re: Money/Work/Husband ugh!!

Ugh is right.
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post #4 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 03:07 PM
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Re: Money/Work/Husband ugh!!

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Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
Nope. Tell him you do not need a house husband. Get off his arse and get a job. As much enjoyment your H had in contributing to the financial hole he can enjoy with the clawing out. He may find a night time job.
Just remember how hard it is to get a job. I've been trying to find something else for over 5 years and haven't been able to find anything. Things aren't now what they once were. When we moved to the East Coast I could get a good paying job in my field literally the next day, not anymore.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #5 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 03:15 PM
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Re: Money/Work/Husband ugh!!

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Just remember how hard it is to get a job. I've been trying to find something else for over 5 years and haven't been able to find anything. Things aren't now what they once were. When we moved to the East Coast I could get a good paying job in my field literally the next day, not anymore.
Sorry all the executive spots are taken. I'm certain there are a the very least a minimum wage job in their city. Sitting on the couch with that excuse is putting them in the poor house.

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post #6 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 03:33 PM
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Re: Money/Work/Husband ugh!!

How's the sex and intimacy? Is he fulfilling your other needs?
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post #7 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 03:40 PM
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Re: Money/Work/Husband ugh!!

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How's the sex and intimacy? Is he fulfilling your other needs?
I don't think that matters at the moment. I'm guessing her love language currently is financial stability of which there is none. The resentment is building and boiling over.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
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post #8 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 03:47 PM
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Re: Money/Work/Husband ugh!!

I had two friends who are like your husband and what I want to know is how do I find a woman like you? I have worked 12 hours days 6 days a week and travelled a third of the year on business. I have given my wife a lifestyle she never dreamed possible and she has made sure that she showed her appreciation every day of our 44 year marriage. For us, money is not an issue. My wife and I both worked until recently, have no kids and our combined income is more than twice of yours. Big difference when both of you work. Our life has been great. We only owe $100,000 for our mortgage (no other debt) and the only reason I have not paid that off is the tax deduction and the low mortgage rate so that the money put aside to pay for that is earning much more than what my mortgage payment is. Nothing on our credit cards and we lease our cars so we can get a new one every two years.

My two friends are both married to nurses who work double shifts to make ends meet. They all have excuses for why they cannot work or when they do find a job, a reason why they quit. I sometimes think that their wives enjoy being the breadwinner, certainly not your case. These guys have expensive hobbies to keep them busy during the day. One collects classic cars and motorcycles. He had one parked in his living room. The other is into amateur radios like me, and has about $10,000 worth of equipment. Yet when his kids wanted a DVD player, her bought one at a garage sale for $5. In fact, when it comes to buying things for anyone but himself, he buys used and inexpensive stuff. These guys must be hung like horses for their wives to stay married to them for so long and have a few children by them. They are not good looking or educated guys either. It is baffling, but guys like this are not uncommon.

Your choice is to continue living paycheck to paycheck or dump the dead weight and enjoy the fruits of your labor. If you marry a guy with a comparable income to you, you will be in the upper class according to our government. My life was four vacations a year, expensive cars and a life free of the worry and stress of not having enough money. I have seen so many people ruin their lives by being with friends and spouses who are a drag on them. What you do is your choice, but a woman making as much as you are should be living a much better life than you are.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 02-17-2017 at 10:21 PM.
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post #9 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 03:48 PM
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Re: Money/Work/Husband ugh!!

Why doesn't he work?
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post #10 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 04:26 PM
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Re: Money/Work/Husband ugh!!

This little boy that you let live with you and share your income with is really going to have to buy some big boy trousers and grow up.He is one of life's freeloaders,a bit like the perma students we read about.He is really living the life,get the kids off to school and then his day is his own.He doesn't want to work,he wants the magic money fairy i.e. you,to wave her wand and make everything all right.If he can keep coming up with excuses not to work then he just don't want to and is making you feel guilty when you bring it up.
I think it's ultimation time,tell him you want a husband and a partner you can depend on and give him a month to get a job,any job.Even if it is minimum wage it's time he manned up and got back into the workforce,You will find if you insist on him working then he will try and find a decent paying job fairly quickly.

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post #11 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 04:51 PM
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Re: Money/Work/Husband ugh!!

I've been reading all the replies while imagining the situation the other way round, that you are the guy complaining about your wife wanting to stay at home looking after the kids. I wonder if people would be so outraged.....

You don't many details about your partner and kids, but in case he does the housework and looks after the kids, the arrangement is perfectly fine in my opinion. Many guys go to work, make $80,000, don't lift a finger at home and expects their wifes to do everything from child rearing over shopping, cooking and cleaning, etc. Why do you feel your husband has to work? Why is $80,000 not enough to support the family? Maybe you live above your means and should indeed downsize.
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post #12 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 05:13 PM
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Re: Money/Work/Husband ugh!!

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I've been reading all the replies while imagining the situation the other way round, that you are the guy complaining about your wife wanting to stay at home looking after the kids. I wonder if people would be so outraged.....

You don't many details about your partner and kids, but in case he does the housework and looks after the kids, the arrangement is perfectly fine in my opinion. Many guys go to work, make $80,000, don't lift a finger at home and expects their wifes to do everything from child rearing over shopping, cooking and cleaning, etc. Why do you feel your husband has to work? Why is $80,000 not enough to support the family? Maybe you live above your means and should indeed downsize.
In some parts of the US $80,000 is nowhere near enough to get by on if you have kids and a mortgage. It really depends on where you live. My husband and I were doing really well on $150,000/year in central NY. My cousin in Seattle is struggling to pay his bills at $450,000/yr. Its all about the property values and the cost of living. We pay $2 for a gallon of milk. He pays $5! Our houses are practically identical but his cost $300,000 more than ours.

OP would you mind stating what all the debt is from? Student loans? Car loans? Necessary items or just things you wanted? Is it mostly from money you spent or him? Does he do the housework or sit around all day blowing time and money playing pay as you go cell phone games?

The road goes ever ever on, down from the door where it began... JRR Tolkien
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post #13 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 05:43 PM
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Re: Money/Work/Husband ugh!!

Also how old are your children? Is your husband home all day while they are in school or is he taking care of the children while you work. I can't help but feel if these roles were reversed it would be socially acceptable for him to stay at home and take care of the children because millions of woman do it while being totally supported by their husbands. There is no shame in being a stay at home Dad imo and not a lot of men can or would want to do that.

Can you really not afford to live on 80,000 a year or has there been mismanagement somewhere along the way with your finances? Does your husband have any marketable skills that would get him a decent paying job as you have to consider the cost of daycare which can eat up a person's pay check pretty quickly. I don't know what your cost of living is in your area, but that would be enough money to support my family of 6.

If it's simple case of you need more money in the household then tell him point blank you need to get a job during the hours that I am home to watch the kids, or find a job that pays enough to warrant putting them in daycare and that this is not negotiable.
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post #14 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 05:54 PM
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Re: Money/Work/Husband ugh!!

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Originally Posted by flyhigher View Post
This is more of a venting post than anything...

I'm so done!! I've been the only one working in my household for a while now... and I make really good money (almost $80,000/year).. but we're still going under.

I had a meeting at the bank today because I knew things were bad.. but I didn't know how bad. Between all the debt payments, and mortgage, and bills, I'm barely, barely scrapping by. My credit score is **** because I've been putting mortgage and groceries over my credit card payments... and my husband just sat there, stupid.

Didn't offer to work, find a job or nothing. My banker asked him three times, "You're not bringing in any money? not even cash jobs or anything?" .. I was humiliated.

I'm going to have to sell my house to pay off this debt .. and than rent for at least 6 months before I can get my credit score back up to where I can qualify for another house!
My husband's credit score is perfect! His debt is low... because everything's in my name!

I just can't believe it. I'm fuming!! I said in the meeting, "Wow, you're getting all the damn pie in this relationship!" I've had my tax guy AND my banker tell me I'd be better of financially without him!

I tried to justify it saying that it's better for my kids to have a parent in the home... but I don't know if that's real, or just excuses. I grew up in a single parent house, so I realize I have weird opinions about how a "healthy" home should look like...

I'm going to go home later today and he's going to look at me saying, "what do we do?" ... is it wrong for me to want a man that will take charge and say, "hey.. this is what I'M going to do to help us out, because I can see that you're already doing EVERYTHING you can!!"

Last time money came up and I told him how hard things were, and we may have to down size... instead of offering to get a job or to do something.. he just got moody and said, "I feel guilty. I feel like I'm letting you down" ... This is my fault because i ****ing baby him and say, "it's okay. the kids need one of us here for them" ... so it's just as much my fault for putting up with it! I'm angry at myself for being such a coward with him.

Guys, I'm so distraught. I told him not to talk to me in the car after the meeting because it was taking everything in me to not just say, "I'm DONE"

When we sell the house... I wanna rent my own place.
What does your husband with his time? Is her really taking care of the children? Does he take care of the home, shop, cook, etc? Or is he doing something else?

The fact is that you with your financial situation, he needs to work. And it looks like you need to stop enabling him.

I was married to a guy did not work most of our marriage. He made half assed attempts to find a job once in a while.

Things finally changed when I told him that I refused to support him anymore. I was going to divorce him if he did not get a job and start earning an income. He did nothing. I divorced him.

Then he saw the light. After all as a divorced guy, he had to support himself. He started a business. I had to help him do that because he had no money to buy the equipment. But now he supports himself.

Reality has a way of giving people a kick in the behind and getting them to act.

I suggest that you do the same thing. Tell him that he has 3 months (or some number of months) get a job, or start providing services through Craig’s list, etc. What are his skills. Surely he can find a way to earn money.

If he does not, divorce him. You have to do this for his own good if he will not find a job. What he is doing it’s not good for him. You are hurting him letting him continue as he is.

Now, about you selling your house. I suggest that you not do that. Instead filing for bankruptcy makes more sense. File for both you and your husband. You can eliminate most of your debt. You can keep your house and your car(s). You can get your credit score up pretty quickly after bankruptcy. It’s really not a problem.

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post #15 of 21 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 06:00 PM
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Re: Money/Work/Husband ugh!!

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Originally Posted by TheHappyGuy View Post
I've been reading all the replies while imagining the situation the other way round, that you are the guy complaining about your wife wanting to stay at home looking after the kids. I wonder if people would be so outraged.....
In marriage, one spouse staying home and not bringing in an income, has to be a joint decision. It is wrong for one person to unilaterally decide to put all financial obligations on their spouse.

There have been men who poste on TAM who were unhappy because they did not agree with their wife staying home. They got the same support that this OP, a woman is getting. So there is your answer. The support would be the same. And yes people would so equally outraged.


Quote:
Originally Posted by TheHappyGuy View Post
You don't many details about your partner and kids, but in case he does the housework and looks after the kids, the arrangement is perfectly fine in my opinion. Many guys go to work, make $80,000, don't lift a finger at home and expects their wifes to do everything from child rearing over shopping, cooking and cleaning, etc. Why do you feel your husband has to work? Why is $80,000 not enough to support the family? Maybe you live above your means and should indeed downsize.

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