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post #16 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 06:04 AM
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

I was going to recommend starting a BJ and not finishing, to see if that makes him go for PIV. If not, I would wonder if he was gay. If not gay then extreme passive aggressive and I would suggest the above post from EleGirl has great advice.

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post #17 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 06:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

Thank you so much for your advise and input. I will defenantly look into all of the books you are suggesting. You telling me i choose to get angry and cry is not the first time ive been told that. My response then was im only reacting to him. Sounds like an excuse for my behavior. I know i have a lot to work on too, im defenantly not perfect. You gave me a sturdy foundation to start my research on helping my marriage.

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post #18 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 06:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

No my husband isnt gay. He doesnt even accept the fact that im bi-sexual...he says because im with a man im straight. I just let him think that.

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post #19 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:15 AM
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Originally Posted by simplylost13 View Post
My husband & I have been together for 7 years, married 4, and have a 3 yr old boy. I dont even know where to begin...this is very difficult for me to talk about this as i dont really talk much about my problems; i usually write. Writing no longer relieves the pain and stresses i deal with day to day.
I guess in a way you can say I'm SUPER depressed due to how my marriage has ended up. This is not how i thought my marriage would end up, how my life would end up. Im a very ambitious women. Once I set my mind, i accomplish my goals; of course thats far from who i am today. So yes. My husband isnt dealing with a very happy camper and it could be part of the reason he's so distant from me.
I showed interest first, took me 3 months to make him mine. I was so in love with him once i felt that first zing. I would do anything for him. We have a lot in common, hes super funny, and i feel 100% safe with him; like nothing can happen cuz i know he's there to protect me.
Im a very sexual person, very sexual, our sex was amazing! After moving in with one another and a terrible car accident the sex was far from the same, not as often...oh btw he NEVER goes down on me!! He still gets his almost daily bj but i would be left there a hot horny mess. Now. Sex isnt everything in a relationship so i try to look beyond the lack of sex and continued our growing relationship.
Of course we argue and when we do he ALWAYS leaves to cool down leaving me in a ball of fury ready to explode! Our arguments can get loud & escalade quickly, sheriffs have been called a few times. I have talked to him and told him how he could help me not to reach that point in an argument, and he refuses to try; even told me, "I'm not doing that." I was so in love with him i knew i could be the woman he wanted so i changed and compromised with him.
I basically proposed to him. I lost 40 ibs, we got married. We were so happy!! First argument right before i get to that boiling point he responds he wants a divorce. My world shattered and my heart started to break. We get over it life is great again and we're pregnant. (Planned) During the pregnancy i couldn't be happier. We were going to have our family!
I told my husband after losing weight if i start to get big again, please let me know so i can change it.
Baby is born. One week after hes born my husband tells me,"Hey love. You're starting to get a little large."
I couldnt believe my ears. I responded, "Excuse me!" for him to repeat himself, "you're getting a little large."
I informed him, "I just had a baby!!" Only to have him reply, "How long did that take you to eat?"
My first mothers day i get nothing, nothing is done. No breakfast, no present. His first fathers day i surprise him with photos, and some homemade stuff from the baby. Its also the same day we got into a little disagrement and he told me im no longer his #1. That his son comes first.
Let me also mention he wouldnt let me be a mom! He would change him after i dressed him, he would repack the diaper bag i just packed. If i framed a picture i like he could have found a better picture. He took the joy of being a mom out of me.
Now back to me being #2... I later discussed with him how thats not how it should be, because once the kids out of the house you're left with me.
Our sex became less and less. Ive talked to him about what i need and would like from him but he still doesnt go down on me. He told me, "you have a strong smell at times." Ummm yeah!!! Cuz im horny!!! I asked him is it because he may feel i wont like it? Did you go down on ur exs? Yes but he doesnt care for it. He's still getting bj on a regular bases just so u know.
By this point im not even sure if this man even loves me anymore. I would cry everyday.
Following summer, baby is 18m, in an argument he told me he wanted seperate addresses. He loves me, wants to be with me just not live with me.
I ran into an old male friend, before i knew it i cheated. My husband found out, we stayed together. When he asked why i told him there is no excuse to make what i did right but its cuz he neglected me. He agreed that he has been neglecting me but if i want this marriage to work i have to fight for him. Hes not going to fight for me.
Sex started to get better, he finally went down on me once, and since then only once, we were working on ourselves individually the works.
Then slowly our sex life cuts back to where we have sex once a month, he still gets regular bjs. I bring it up to him and he tells me that my size is getting to be a problem. That when he sees me naked he loses his boner. Weve also discussed how he doesnt seduce me, kiss me, turn me on. When i brought that up, he answered neither do you. Yeah cuz when i do he lays there like a statue, he doesnt respond to my kisses on the neck, shoulder, ears, his chest. I still try and he doesnt respond.
The other night i straddled him and started kissing him touching him and he sat there. Didnt even wrap his arms around me, touch my arm, or my face...nothing.
He has stopped helping me around the house, which is not much. Place laundry in hamper, take out trash, and wash dishes on nights when i cook and have to go to work right after.
We recently moved where only hes on the lease. Our first, and only, argument in new place the first thing he tried was kicking me out. I just didnt leave.
Theres other small things too. Like he knows i need a kiss goodnight and tell me you love me that i dont get, how he talks at me instead of to me, he kisses me like im his sister, hes usually disagreeing with me when im trying to scold our son.
We got really busy during holiday season where we werent even seeing one another much, like 15 min a day; seriously. So i didnt think of our problems. Now were slow and my mind is non stop of everything im going through.
My friend who is 69 told me i wont leave until im sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Im not there yet. I still love this man very much. Hes the father of my son, who i chose as my mate for life. But im not in love with him, yet i want that back. I miss how i used to look at him full of love for him, desire. I want him to see me and want me, kiss me all over and have sex. It'll never happen though, hasnt in the past 7 years ive been with him so why would it now?
The older our son becomes the more its going to hurt him so i feel like im on a time crunch and im seeing good and bad results in my marriage and i just dont know what to do.
Any suggestions?

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So you cheated on your husband because you felt neglected. Most couples take a few years to get over the fallout of infidelity, and that's with a lot of work together and desire to stay together. I'm surprised more posters here haven't had more to say about the fact that you cheated.

He has said and shown he isn't interested in being in the marriage, why do you want to stay with him?
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post #20 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

He threatened a divorce to hurt me. He wants to be with me. He tells me he loves me very much and wants to be with me, he just cant live with me.
His actions speak louder than his words and yes his actions do show he doesnt want to be with me. Sometimes i question if he even likes me.
I want to be with him, besides all these negative things ive been discussing, is because there is a great man in there. Who works hard to support his family. We have common interests and some goals. I see him trying with the little things here and there. I notice and appreciate them but there is so much more its like those small things dont matter but i keep them close to my heart. I didnt get married to just give up on my marriage, i need to fight to keep it and learn more patients.
He really is amazing with our son. I love watching the two of them play together. The idea of splitting them kills me inside, splitting my family that i created is a punch to the gut. When i think about how he doesnt show me affection i get really upset. I just want him to want me. So then i start to think about the negative stuff and im back to square one.

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post #21 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 04:15 PM
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

After you read all the other things I suggested that you read, here is more. Read them after you do all the other reading. The purpose of these books is to help you and your husband restructure your marriage into a healthy one.

"Love Busters"

" His Needs, Her Needs"

Read them in that order and do the work that they say to do. You start with the "Love Busters" book because you have to identify what you and he are doing that drive each other crazy and that are 'busting' our love. Then you stop doing those things (like on more arguments/fights). And only then can you start identifying each other's needs

Do this by yourself first as you will learn a lot about what a healthy marriage should look like and it will give you time to figure out what you want/need. And it will get you looking critically at yourself too.

Then ask him to read the books with you. My husband and I read the aloud to each other, one chapter at a time and then did the work for that chapter together. It works.

Both you and your husband seem to have a lot to lean about what a healthy marriage looks like.
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post #22 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 05:42 AM
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

If your husband is not willing to work on the marriage and love you the way you should. Talk to him about separating... since he brought it up. He can also pay for it. He can move into a small apt and you keep the home with the child. This is a move towards divorce.

The things you said he says... if those are true. He doesn't seem to be a nice person.

I go down on my wife more than the BJ, she doesn't have to ask. I'm a happy man.

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post #23 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 08:01 AM
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

So people with passive aggressive behavior are a certain type of people... and people who end up with PA people are a certain type of person. If you follow what I'm saying. You and I choose a PA person to be with, there is something wrong you with and I. There is a whole thing about the people who chooses to with these kinda of people and their own psychological problems. Most people who date these types of people say no thank you and break up with them and move on. But people like you and I for some reason choose these types of people, were attentive to them for some reason. I encourage you to read more about that.

There are actual support groups for people who leave or try to leave a PA person because it's a very difficult situation to leave from. They have you wrapped around their finger and manipulate you and always give you a reason to stay, but they never change. They completely mind f*ck you because they are very convincing with their words but actions never change. And people who stay in relationships with these people (you and I) are suckas, were sensitive and soft, and sweet and hopeful and we naively believe in love. And we are the perfect person to take advantage of.
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post #24 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 12:48 PM
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

WOW, your H is a jerk! Why in hell do you wish to stay married to someone who clearly doesn't even like you??

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #25 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 05:13 PM
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

I like it when my wife touches me feet with her feet when she's asleep or half asleep... such little touches of intimacy is not lost on me, I like it everytime and so does she.

So simplylost13, if you crave that... you are going to need to get that from someone else. Looks like your husband doesn't care for such things.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #26 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 02:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

I wasn't always like this...it wasnt until i got with him that i let someone manipulate me into the mindset im in now. To me i was compromising with him because thats what you do in a relationship. Plus i didnt compromise much with my ex of 6 yrs so it was important to me in my new relationship.
Now that i know, my eyes are wide open. Today alone i saw his PAB at least half a dozen of times. I think hes been PA so long it comes naturally now. This is going to be very difficult and honestly, i hope we can come to a mutual understanding and be able to love one another.
Im trying to not let the whole sex thing be the reason of leaving because i do love him.

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