I just dont know anymore... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 03:50 AM Thread Starter
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I just dont know anymore...

My husband & I have been together for 7 years, married 4, and have a 3 yr old boy. I dont even know where to begin...this is very difficult for me to talk about this as i dont really talk much about my problems; i usually write. Writing no longer relieves the pain and stresses i deal with day to day.
I guess in a way you can say I'm SUPER depressed due to how my marriage has ended up. This is not how i thought my marriage would end up, how my life would end up. Im a very ambitious women. Once I set my mind, i accomplish my goals; of course thats far from who i am today. So yes. My husband isnt dealing with a very happy camper and it could be part of the reason he's so distant from me.
I showed interest first, took me 3 months to make him mine. I was so in love with him once i felt that first zing. I would do anything for him. We have a lot in common, hes super funny, and i feel 100% safe with him; like nothing can happen cuz i know he's there to protect me.
Im a very sexual person, very sexual, our sex was amazing! After moving in with one another and a terrible car accident the sex was far from the same, not as often...oh btw he NEVER goes down on me!! He still gets his almost daily bj but i would be left there a hot horny mess. Now. Sex isnt everything in a relationship so i try to look beyond the lack of sex and continued our growing relationship.
Of course we argue and when we do he ALWAYS leaves to cool down leaving me in a ball of fury ready to explode! Our arguments can get loud & escalade quickly, sheriffs have been called a few times. I have talked to him and told him how he could help me not to reach that point in an argument, and he refuses to try; even told me, "I'm not doing that." I was so in love with him i knew i could be the woman he wanted so i changed and compromised with him.
I basically proposed to him. I lost 40 ibs, we got married. We were so happy!! First argument right before i get to that boiling point he responds he wants a divorce. My world shattered and my heart started to break. We get over it life is great again and we're pregnant. (Planned) During the pregnancy i couldn't be happier. We were going to have our family!
I told my husband after losing weight if i start to get big again, please let me know so i can change it.
Baby is born. One week after hes born my husband tells me,"Hey love. You're starting to get a little large."
I couldnt believe my ears. I responded, "Excuse me!" for him to repeat himself, "you're getting a little large."
I informed him, "I just had a baby!!" Only to have him reply, "How long did that take you to eat?"
My first mothers day i get nothing, nothing is done. No breakfast, no present. His first fathers day i surprise him with photos, and some homemade stuff from the baby. Its also the same day we got into a little disagrement and he told me im no longer his #1. That his son comes first.
Let me also mention he wouldnt let me be a mom! He would change him after i dressed him, he would repack the diaper bag i just packed. If i framed a picture i like he could have found a better picture. He took the joy of being a mom out of me.
Now back to me being #2... I later discussed with him how thats not how it should be, because once the kids out of the house you're left with me.
Our sex became less and less. Ive talked to him about what i need and would like from him but he still doesnt go down on me. He told me, "you have a strong smell at times." Ummm yeah!!! Cuz im horny!!! I asked him is it because he may feel i wont like it? Did you go down on ur exs? Yes but he doesnt care for it. He's still getting bj on a regular bases just so u know.
By this point im not even sure if this man even loves me anymore. I would cry everyday.
Following summer, baby is 18m, in an argument he told me he wanted seperate addresses. He loves me, wants to be with me just not live with me.
I ran into an old male friend, before i knew it i cheated. My husband found out, we stayed together. When he asked why i told him there is no excuse to make what i did right but its cuz he neglected me. He agreed that he has been neglecting me but if i want this marriage to work i have to fight for him. Hes not going to fight for me.
Sex started to get better, he finally went down on me once, and since then only once, we were working on ourselves individually the works.
Then slowly our sex life cuts back to where we have sex once a month, he still gets regular bjs. I bring it up to him and he tells me that my size is getting to be a problem. That when he sees me naked he loses his boner. Weve also discussed how he doesnt seduce me, kiss me, turn me on. When i brought that up, he answered neither do you. Yeah cuz when i do he lays there like a statue, he doesnt respond to my kisses on the neck, shoulder, ears, his chest. I still try and he doesnt respond.
The other night i straddled him and started kissing him touching him and he sat there. Didnt even wrap his arms around me, touch my arm, or my face...nothing.
He has stopped helping me around the house, which is not much. Place laundry in hamper, take out trash, and wash dishes on nights when i cook and have to go to work right after.
We recently moved where only hes on the lease. Our first, and only, argument in new place the first thing he tried was kicking me out. I just didnt leave.
Theres other small things too. Like he knows i need a kiss goodnight and tell me you love me that i dont get, how he talks at me instead of to me, he kisses me like im his sister, hes usually disagreeing with me when im trying to scold our son.
We got really busy during holiday season where we werent even seeing one another much, like 15 min a day; seriously. So i didnt think of our problems. Now were slow and my mind is non stop of everything im going through.
My friend who is 69 told me i wont leave until im sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Im not there yet. I still love this man very much. Hes the father of my son, who i chose as my mate for life. But im not in love with him, yet i want that back. I miss how i used to look at him full of love for him, desire. I want him to see me and want me, kiss me all over and have sex. It'll never happen though, hasnt in the past 7 years ive been with him so why would it now?
The older our son becomes the more its going to hurt him so i feel like im on a time crunch and im seeing good and bad results in my marriage and i just dont know what to do.
Any suggestions?


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post #2 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 03:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

Sorry if theres grammer issues im on my phone...

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post #3 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 04:00 AM
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

You could try some marriage counselling maybe? You are not communicating very well with each other and there seems to be a lot of anger and resentment too. It will just eat away at you both unless you deal with it. You may need to face the fact that you have lost what you thought you had. Thats not to say you cant build something new together.

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post #4 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 04:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

I didnt mention he doesnt talk about his feelings. I have tried numerous times to get him to communicate with me and he doesnt. When i ask why..its cuz hes had a hard life.
Which he has but to me hes using that as an excuse.

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post #5 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 05:37 AM
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

That must be really frustrating. My ex was like that. It was either silence or screaming matches in the end. Maybe try some counselling for yourself? Self care is really umportant. If you are dealing with difficulty you need to be well equipped! X

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post #6 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 06:28 AM
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

I am sorry you find yourself here, Lost, first can i say as a husband, a man and a father your husband is acting like an first class ass, and extremely disrespectful...second, he is okay talking about his feelings about your weight but not okay with talking his own issues.... tell me does he still look like the guy you married? he is selfish, and only thinks about his needs....this is one sided marriage, where you do all the work and he is getting all the benefits...your self-esteem is shot due to him...here is what i recommend...you need individual counseling ASAP, you need to work on yourself, not your weight but your self-esteem, your confidence. Another thing you do not reward bad behavior, his behavior towards you is like that of the lord of the manor to a wench, stop the daily BJs, read your needs his needs, and he should be reading that as well. Take back your life.
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post #7 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 07:47 AM
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I just dont know anymore...

There is so much going on here and so much to address.

First of all... it sounds like He has passive aggressive personality. Please look this up and see if it fits the bill. Your husband is super passive, you proposed, you control the sex life, you are probably the doer In the relationship and he quietly goes along. These people don't open up, don't share their feelings, don't resolve conflict because nothing is their fault. But they have hidden anger which is the big thing here, and instead of being overt and talking to you about their anger they "punish" you in little d*ck ways like change your sons outfit, change the picture etc. all that stuff was a huge indication for me that he has some serious anger issues that are hidden and coming out in those passive aggressive ways.
They essentially emotionally manipulate you so they can basically go and do whatever they want without taking responsibility and you can't say anything about it. While turning around and acting like you have the problem, your "controlling" and have "anger issues." The worst thing you could have done is cheat on him.... now you gave him ammo to always manipulate you because you betrayed him, and he is the victim which passive aggressive people love to play.

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post #8 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 08:00 AM
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I just dont know anymore...

Another thing is... it sounds like in the beginning you were in love with being in love and you didn't see him for who he really is. That's what love does I guess. It sounds like you always took control of everything. He will never be that person, ever. You want to love him but you are not in love with who he actually is or was, you want him to do a bunch of things he never has done, and things that aren't in his personality.

You keep mentioning about this bj and oral sex thing. Some men don't like it, and just because you give him a daily bj does not mean he has to go down on you. If you want to give him a bj then do it, but don't use it as ammo To throw in his face to manipulate him to feel bad about not going down on you. Your manipulating him as well... well look at all this I do for you! And you don't even do XXX! (Making yourself look good and him feel bad).

There seems to be so much dysfunction and lack of normal respectful boundaries. Please tell us more about yourself... do you guys both work full time? Do you hang out together? Go out with friends together? Or is it all bad all the time?

The first thing I would do is just agree that your relationship sucks. And without getting into a fight with him, no contest, just talk to him about how he's unhappy and you don't Blame him, how your unhappy, and come to the same conclusion that your relationship isn't good, and you both love each other and want to take steps to make it work. That's the first conversation that you need to have. Do not be negative at all. Start by saying... I know that I have been unhappy, and I know your unhappy too. I want you to be happy, I want us to have a good marriage, I don't know how we got to this place but we are here. And I love you and I want to make this work. Do you?

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post #9 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 02:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

Thank you for those who replied. I looked up passive aggressive behavior and YES! A lot of it describes him. One thing that i did see that is not him is hes a very hard worker who takes pride in his job and gets it done right the first time.
I dont tell him since i give you bjs u need to return the favor. I tell him itll be wonderful if he could return the favor. I love giving them and its literally the only way i can get off with him since he doesnt through intercourse. Once hes done thats it.
I guess i did make it seem about oral only...thats just a fraction of the sexual problems. When we do have sex i dont feel his love for me, his passion or desire to have me. His sex is so vanilla itll bore another vanilla person. Im really into sex. Im trying not to make it all about sex but im really into sex and hes not. Its a daily struggle for me to deal with the fact he doesnt want to please me sexually.
So a little about him. He works 7 days a week, has no one he goes out with to hang out, has no family except mine. Well he has sisters that he doesnt talk to and a foster mom i cant get him to go visit or even talk to.
I work part time since i can only work nights as we dont do the babysitter thing for our son. So i have a pretty busy day. I guess you can say im a stay at home mom during the day and i work in the evenings 5 nights a week when its busy. 2-3 nights when its slow.
Its one reason i get so upset when he doesnt help me around the house. It would make my day so much easier ifi was only picking up after my son but i am picking up after my boys.
We have date nights every Tuesday. Even if its just renting a movie and making popcorn at home, we always try to do something tuesday nights. Other than that we dont do anything. In 7 years i havent gone to the coast, im 2 hrs from coast, havent gone fishing when i love to fish, havent gone camping, to the rivers or lakes, havent gone on a roadtrip, sight seeing. Nothing.
I have few friends left, but theyre doing so great and here i am with a rainy cloud over me, i dont want to burden them with my marriage issues.
Another thing, i cant just sit down and have a conversation with him on how unhappy we are cuz he takes it personal, a stick goes right up his ass and he gets all defensive and butt hurt. Sometimes if i press how hes feeling he answers in an outrage which makes me even more sad cuz i know he wont ever come to me with an issue of how hes feeling and talk to me about it.
Im going to do some more research on passive aggressive behavior, and go from there. I just need to know all i can about it and how i can approach him to present this behavior to him without him feeling like im pointing the finger. Have him do his own research and we work on ourselves first.

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post #10 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 03:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

Another thing...with him changing the baby, bag, pics...its like hes always trying to one up me. Prove hes better than i am. Hes a very competitive person and ive told him numerous times were not competing.
Now, its come to the point where its easier to just let him dress our son and get him ready to go. There's no potential argument, I dont get my feelings hurt, and I'm able to get my stuff together along with anything else we may need.
I always saw it as me comprimising with him. There are times he asks me for my opinion; and i always pick the outfits for photoshoots. Knowing now that he has PAB (passive aggressive behavior) traits, I may have been giving in & enabling his PAB.

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post #11 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 04:25 AM
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

I'm not sure what it is about this guy you are in love with. He sounds like a lousy spouse.

You keep talking about how you give him a daily bj, but he does nothing for you sexually. He is a selfish man. He gets his daily bj. Why would he bother to do anything for you? He does not need to. I'm not talking about playing games with sex here. I'm talking about respecting yourself. I have a high sex drive and love sex. But there is no way I'd give a bj to a guy who treated me the way your husband treats you. You need to enforce that there is only one way that you will engage in anything sexual and that is if he gives you as much sexually as you give him.

Does your husband use porn much? Do you know if he does?

One thing you need to know is that even though his name is the only name on the lease, he cannot kick you out of the place where you live. Do you get mail there? That is YOUR legal residence as much as it is his legal residence. Plus your son lives there. The only way he can legally kick you out is to go to court and get an eviction notice issued by the court. And no court is going to evict you and your child.

Does he ever tell you that he is going to take your child away when he talks about divorce? Just wondering.

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I have talked to him and told him how he could help me not to reach that point in an argument, and he refuses to try; even told me, "I'm not doing that."
So what is it that you asked him to do?

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post #12 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 04:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

No he doesnt watch porn; he doesnt even masturbate!
I thought i mentioned daily bjs have slowed down, but i havent.
I didnt know about him not being able to kick me out. Yes I do receive mail here.
YES!! He does threaten to take our son and hell reveal everything to the judge about me. Since hes the breadwinner he'll get him cuz i cant even support him on my own.
He once told me "he'll laugh when i end up homeless."

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post #13 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 04:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

Im trying to explain what i asked for as in him helping me. Yet its so hard without explaining EVERYTHING.
So. In an argument he throws whatever he can to hurt you. Hes a manipulator that turns ur words completely around, when you try to correct him. You're so focused on what he said you forget what ur original point was. When he makes you cry, and he will make you cry, he laughs at you & makes fun of you. Hell push ur buttons until u snap because he thinks its funny. Hes an *******.
I tell him i dont care if ur an *******, just dont be an ******* to me. That pushing my buttons isnt funny hes being a bully.
I asked him when he sees he made me cry. Stop. See that you crossed the line by making ur wife cry. Hold me, tell me ur sorry; and thats what he cant do.
He never says sorry first for the argument. Doesn't matter if he started it or not.. I always sucked it up and apologized.

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post #14 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 05:29 AM
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

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Originally Posted by simplylost13 View Post
No he doesnt watch porn; he doesnt even masturbate!
Here is something for you to read that talks about marriages where the husband choses to withhold sex... which is what your husband is doing. It’s a very common thing for passive aggressive men to do.. to punish their wife and the maintain control of the power in the marriage.

We always hear about women withholding sex. Well guess what? Men choose to make their marriage sexless about as often as women do. Yet we are always told that all men want sex all the time. Turns out that it’s not true for some men. At least some don’t want it with their wife.

Sex Starved Wife

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Originally Posted by simplylost13 View Post
I thought i mentioned daily bjs have slowed down, but i havent.
I would stop them. I know, it’s the only sexual contact you get most of the time. But if all you do it give when does refuses to give sexually to you, you are enabling his selfish sexual behavior.
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Originally Posted by simplylost13 View Post
I didnt know about him not being able to kick me out. Yes I do receive mail here.
Yep, he cannot kick you out.
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Originally Posted by simplylost13 View Post
YES!! He does threaten to take our son and hell reveal everything to the judge about me. Since hes the breadwinner he'll get him cuz i cant even support him on my own.
This is a typical threat made by bullies who think that their wife is stupid.

You need to learn your rights not so that you can fleece him in divorce, but so that you know what they are and you understand and he cannot push you around. You also need to know what you can expect since you are married to a man who very well might try to play some nasty legal games on you.

If either of you file for divorce, since he is the bread winner, he will have to pay you interim spousal support and child support until the divorce if final. This will be about 40% or more of his income. It can take 1-2 years minimum to get a divorce finalized. During the divorce, you can cask for spousal support for up to half the length of your marriage. So if you have been married for 4 years, you will get 2 years of spousal support. You will also get child support.

Since you are the primary care giver of your child, you will most likely get primary custody of your child. He might claim that he is since he changes diapers and dresses your child. But if you are a SAHM and he works, there is no way he is the primary care giver.

Here is a link to the CA courts self-help for divorce. They have a child support and spousal support calculator that will help you figure out the numbers. I’ve helped with some divorces in CA and the site info is accurate.

Divorce or Separation - divorce_or_separation_selfhelp

Also, if you two were to end up getting a divorce, since he is the breadwinner, he will have pay our legal fees.

Now you will need to go out and find a job, but the spousal support will give you time to do that.

Do some reading and learn you rights. Search the internet for CA divorce. There is tons of info on the internet for divorce in every state. Plus, stores like Amazon sell books on divorce in every state.

Like I said, this is not about you fleecing him. This is about you learning your rights since he keeps threatening you. He has a lot to lose if he continues down this path he’s on.
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He once told me "he'll laugh when i end up homeless."
What a guy!!!! Geez.

Have you ever held a job before? Do you have any education beyond high school?

Do you have family for friends who could help you in a crunch?

Comments like that are a form of emotional abuse.

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post #15 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 05:59 AM
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Re: I just dont know anymore...

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Originally Posted by simplylost13 View Post
Im trying to explain what i asked for as in him helping me. Yet its so hard without explaining EVERYTHING.

So. In an argument he throws whatever he can to hurt you. Hes a manipulator that turns ur words completely around, when you try to correct him. You're so focused on what he said you forget what ur original point was. When he makes you cry, and he will make you cry, he laughs at you & makes fun of you. Hell push ur buttons until u snap because he thinks its funny. Hes an *******.

I tell him i dont care if ur an *******, just dont be an ******* to me. That pushing my buttons isnt funny hes being a bully.

I asked him when he sees he made me cry. Stop. See that you crossed the line by making ur wife cry. Hold me, tell me ur sorry; and thats what he cant do.
He never says sorry first for the argument. Doesn't matter if he started it or not.. I always sucked it up and apologized.
Yes he’s a bully.

One of the things I’ve noticed in your posts is that you seem to give a lot of power over to him.

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Originally Posted by simplylost13 View Post
So. In an argument he throws whatever he can to hurt you. Hes a manipulator that turns ur words completely around, when you try to correct him. You're so focused on what he said you forget what ur original point was. When he makes you cry, and he will make you cry, he laughs at you & makes fun of you. Hell push ur buttons until u snap because he thinks its funny. Hes an *******.
Was married to a guy who was a lot like your husband a long time ago. When he first stated being mean and abusive I acted like you describe here. But after some counseling and some moments of revelation I changed. Let me explain.

My husband used to start fights and I would try to defend myself and get hurt, etc. Just like you. But then I realized some things.

You cannot explain yourself to an unreasonable person. When your husband spews this garbage at you, do not try to defend yourself. He’s not listening.

He does not care if he hurts you. As a matter of fact, his entire intent is to hurt you and make you cry. When you hurt and you cry, you are giving him what he wants.

Your husband is abusive. The entire purpose of abuse is to maintain control over you. To maintain control he has to keep you off balance. By saying these horrible, abusive things he keeps you off balance and maintains the control that he needs to make himself feel better. And that is all he cares about, feeding off your hurt to make himself feel stronger.
Why Does He Do That?:

Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men


Quote:
Originally Posted by simplylost13 View Post
I tell him i dont care if ur an *******, just dont be an ******* to me. That pushing my buttons isnt funny hes being a bully.

I asked him when he sees he made me cry. Stop. See that you crossed the line by making ur wife cry. Hold me, tell me ur sorry; and thats what he cant do.

He never says sorry first for the argument. Doesn't matter if he started it or not.. I always sucked it up and apologized.
No he did not make you cry. He also did not make you angry. You choose to cry and choose to get angry. And you choose to engage in angry arguments that get very ugly.

When he says ugly things to you, you have complete control over your reaction. You can choose to get hurt and cry. Or you can choose to realize that he’s a bully trying to upset you. And so you can choose to just walk away.

Of course he never says sorry for an argument, even when he starts it. He WANTS the argument. He NEEDs the argument. The arguments feed his need to be in control.

He needs hurt you to feel in control. He needs to withhold sex because then he is punishing you feels that he is in control of you.

I learned to end the arguments. Here is how I did it. I refused to engage in them. It takes 2 to argue.

I knew when a discussion was about to explode into an argument. There is that moment before it does. I learned to not let it get to the point of exploding. I call it the “STOP” method. I read about it in a book “The Dance of Anger”. Before discussion turned into an ugly argument, I would put my hand up in the stop signal and say very firmly “STOP”. (sometimes I had to repeat it 2-3 times.) Then I would just tell something like “I’m done talking until we both cool down.” And I would leave and go to another room, go for a walk, or something. I always took my young son with me. I would not leave him with his angry father at times like this.

I practiced this in front of a mirror. Stood in front of a mirror and would imagine some ugly argument we had. At the moment that I knew it was going to get ugly I would put my hand up in the stop sign and say out loud “STOP” and then say that I as leaving until we both could talk civilly. It felt pretty silly to stand in front of the mirror and keep repeating it. But I did that until the action was automatic.

Then, when things were calm, I told him that we were saying ugly things to each other in anger and it was not good for us or our son. So I would no longer engage in angry arguments. I told him that I would hold up my hand in the stop sign and say “STOP” and then we both had to go off on our own and calm down. We could talk again later when we could be civil.

And then I did it every time our discussions started to turn into ugly argument. Within 2 months or so there were no more angry outbursts. He got to the point that when I did it he’s garb his helmet and go for an hour bike ride to calm down.

You have a lot of power in your relationship that you are just throwing away. You have 100% control over whether or not you engage in angry arguments with your husband. What is going on is horrible for your child to witness. So STOP it. Take back your power and use it.

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