Wife Shows No More Interest - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 10:02 PM Thread Starter
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Wife Shows No More Interest

My wife and I have been married for 14 years, mostly enormously happy. We have three amazing and beautiful kids, 4,7,and 9.

What I'm interested in is something that hasn't been a new problem in our relationship, but one I feel has come to a head.

My wife has never been affectionate. Not while we were dating, not while we are married. Her monthly cycle I have come to know as three weeks of her avoiding me and one week of being nice to me. She can be downright mean to me and everybody else during that time. My best chance at affection is getting drunk with her during the "good week" and she turns into a sexual animal. Otherwise, she stares at her phone, unaware of anything going on outside of that. After we put the kids to bed, she goes to our bedroom and watches her "shows". I suggest we should watch a movie together and get turned down. I suggest we get a sitter and have a date night and get turned down. I suggest she let me go out and get dessert just for us and get turned down. We have sex on average six times a year. I am 42 and she is 41.

Tonight I invited one of my 7 year old son's friends over to play, asking his mom during a birthday party for one of my son's friends. She came to pick him up and my wife invited her in for a glass of wine. She came in, sat down, and hung out with my wife and the two of them acted like I wasn't even there.

We had groceries and dinner ordered for delivery and when it came I figured they were chatting so I would unload the groceries and put them away. There was nothing I needed in the grocery order- it was like it was only the kids and her. I was going to suggest that I just did all the groceries, maybe she could get the dinner set for the kids. Instead I got cut off while I mentioned that I just put away all the groceries and got "What do you want, a gold star?" Jokingly, but okay. Not in front of guests. She then demanded I get her and her friend more wine. When her friend left, she stared at Facebook on her phone while I was steaming mad. I set dinner up for the kids and her. She kept asking what was wrong but I didn't want to fight in front of the kids and said nothing. After dinner she went to the couch and continued to look at her phone while I cleaned the kitchen.

We put on a movie for the kids and while she looked at her phone I cleaned up their goldfish wrappers and bowls that were left over from the play date. I was so mad I went outside and smoked a cigarette while I just waited for the right time to come back inside calmly. When I walked back inside I was confronted with her putting the boys to bed and telling me "I can't put up with this" and she retired to the bedroom to watch her shows. All because one of my sons asked for a new glass of water. It was 8:00 and on the weekends we normally let them stay up until at least 9.

I kissed the kids goodnight and walked to the bedroom to find her watching her shows, either "real housewives" or "vampire diaries" or some other garbage as usual and unloaded on her why I was upset. She said nothing so I went to the porch to chill out.

To be honest I think a lot of this stems from us both being successful but last year I took a huge pay cut to work for a start up that could pay off and mean retirement for both of us. My inability to pay for more than just bills in conjunction with her enormous success and her paying for elaborate trips for the family I render makes her think she can treat me like she does. I am the least lazy husband in the world, voluntarily working on the house and taking care of the kids while she goes shopping, gets her nails or hair done, etc. on the weekends. It just exacerbates the current situation. At times she comments about how lucky she is because her friends' husbands all show little interest in their wives and don't do anything around the house or help with the kids. Those wives have also pulled me over in private to tell me they wish they had someone like me. I am good looking, funny, smart, in good shape, don't cheat, and have started to wonder if I should cheat myself to get the affection I am due. I have been offered multiple times and am getting tired of it.

I plan to have a talk with my wife tomorrow and would like to hear everyone's thoughts.

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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 10:11 PM
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Re: Wife Shows No More Interest

@mem2020

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 10:22 PM
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Wife Shows No More Interest

Your wife doesn't respect you. At her age and your situation she is likely to cheat on you with someone she considers more alpha male.

Did the sex drop off suddenly?

Btw, stop cooking dinner and cleaning the dishes. Or only do if half the time.

This won't get better unless YOU fix it. She won't change unless forced.

Read other posts here what happens to SAHDs.

Last edited by blueinbr; 02-18-2017 at 10:27 PM.
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 10:26 PM
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Re: Wife Shows No More Interest

I'm having a difficult time detecting a "mostly enormously happy" marriage in the above description. And believe me, I know all about not "mostly enormously happy marriage"...

How old? Working outside the house? Family history of mental health issues? Ethnicity?
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 10:44 PM
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Re: Wife Shows No More Interest

Dude. Hang on. She has lost confidence in you and does not respect you.
You're in for a bad road and need to man up as much as you can. I don't mean to be harsh at all but as much as you are able get control of your needs and emotions. Very hard to do.

Feel free to private message me if you want. I have been right where you are the last six years. I really hate to say this but it's only going to get worse and there's only a chance of it getting better only if you become some super guy and make her feel dread of you leaving.

Been to counseling? Involved.in a supportive church? Men's group?

Take a look at:
Amused mastery
Red pill blue pill
The 180

And look up avoidant personality disorder. Look up the book on this by Jeb Kinnison.

Dude you sound like a good guy. Love your kids...want a close loving fun marriage. Hard working and you care. You deserve better.....and try absolutely all you can to make it work or to deal with it.

I'll be praying for you. Write some positive affirmations on a card and put it in your wallet to look at when you need to.
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 11:44 PM
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Re: Wife Shows No More Interest

Furyus,

You aren't ready to talk to your wife. A conversation at this point will only hurt you.

A couple quick observations:
- Getting angry only makes you look weak
- I don't care how restrained your behavior might be, when you ARE angry it's obvious to her

You have confused anger with determination or perhaps better stated: calm resolve

She can't MAKE you do anything - and yet - there you are - acting like her servant.

That said - as to the whole affection issue. She is either hard wired to dislike it - some people are that way. Or you never learned to touch her in a manner she likes. Either way, the odds of improvement in that area aren't high after all this time.

The most obvious issue you have has nothing to do with your wife. You lack self respect. Until you fix that, there is no point in a conversation with your wife. Why should she give you something you don't give yourself?

And then - you will discover that if you do learn self respect - you likely won't need to have a conversation with her as she will either step up, or step out of the marriage.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Furyus View Post
My wife and I have been married for 14 years, mostly enormously happy. We have three amazing and beautiful kids, 4,7,and 9.

What I'm interested in is something that hasn't been a new problem in our relationship, but one I feel has come to a head.

My wife has never been affectionate. Not while we were dating, not while we are married. Her monthly cycle I have come to know as three weeks of her avoiding me and one week of being nice to me. She can be downright mean to me and everybody else during that time. My best chance at affection is getting drunk with her during the "good week" and she turns into a sexual animal. Otherwise, she stares at her phone, unaware of anything going on outside of that. After we put the kids to bed, she goes to our bedroom and watches her "shows". I suggest we should watch a movie together and get turned down. I suggest we get a sitter and have a date night and get turned down. I suggest she let me go out and get dessert just for us and get turned down. We have sex on average six times a year. I am 42 and she is 41.

Tonight I invited one of my 7 year old son's friends over to play, asking his mom during a birthday party for one of my son's friends. She came to pick him up and my wife invited her in for a glass of wine. She came in, sat down, and hung out with my wife and the two of them acted like I wasn't even there.

We had groceries and dinner ordered for delivery and when it came I figured they were chatting so I would unload the groceries and put them away. There was nothing I needed in the grocery order- it was like it was only the kids and her. I was going to suggest that I just did all the groceries, maybe she could get the dinner set for the kids. Instead I got cut off while I mentioned that I just put away all the groceries and got "What do you want, a gold star?" Jokingly, but okay. Not in front of guests. She then demanded I get her and her friend more wine. When her friend left, she stared at Facebook on her phone while I was steaming mad. I set dinner up for the kids and her. She kept asking what was wrong but I didn't want to fight in front of the kids and said nothing. After dinner she went to the couch and continued to look at her phone while I cleaned the kitchen.

We put on a movie for the kids and while she looked at her phone I cleaned up their goldfish wrappers and bowls that were left over from the play date. I was so mad I went outside and smoked a cigarette while I just waited for the right time to come back inside calmly. When I walked back inside I was confronted with her putting the boys to bed and telling me "I can't put up with this" and she retired to the bedroom to watch her shows. All because one of my sons asked for a new glass of water. It was 8:00 and on the weekends we normally let them stay up until at least 9.

I kissed the kids goodnight and walked to the bedroom to find her watching her shows, either "real housewives" or "vampire diaries" or some other garbage as usual and unloaded on her why I was upset. She said nothing so I went to the porch to chill out.

To be honest I think a lot of this stems from us both being successful but last year I took a huge pay cut to work for a start up that could pay off and mean retirement for both of us. My inability to pay for more than just bills in conjunction with her enormous success and her paying for elaborate trips for the family I render makes her think she can treat me like she does. I am the least lazy husband in the world, voluntarily working on the house and taking care of the kids while she goes shopping, gets her nails or hair done, etc. on the weekends. It just exacerbates the current situation. At times she comments about how lucky she is because her friends' husbands all show little interest in their wives and don't do anything around the house or help with the kids. Those wives have also pulled me over in private to tell me they wish they had someone like me. I am good looking, funny, smart, in good shape, don't cheat, and have started to wonder if I should cheat myself to get the affection I am due. I have been offered multiple times and am getting tired of it.

I plan to have a talk with my wife tomorrow and would like to hear everyone's thoughts.
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 02:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife Shows No More Interest

Quote:
Originally Posted by Camper292000 View Post
Dude. Hang on. She has lost confidence in you and does not respect you.
You're in for a bad road and need to man up as much as you can. I don't mean to be harsh at all but as much as you are able get control of your needs and emotions. Very hard to do.

Feel free to private message me if you want. I have been right where you are the last six years. I really hate to say this but it's only going to get worse and there's only a chance of it getting better only if you become some super guy and make her feel dread of you leaving.

Been to counseling? Involved.in a supportive church? Men's group?

Take a look at:
Amused mastery
Red pill blue pill
The 180

And look up avoidant personality disorder. Look up the book on this by Jeb Kinnison.

Dude you sound like a good guy. Love your kids...want a close loving fun marriage. Hard working and you care. You deserve better.....and try absolutely all you can to make it work or to deal with it.

I'll be praying for you. Write some positive affirmations on a card and put it in your wallet to look at when you need to.


Best response so far. I will read up on it. We have fun together when she is in the right mood. I normally don't take crap from anybody and respect myself to the utmost, just got to the point that I am wondering if I would be happier seeking affection elsewhere.

I go to church tomorrow morning with her and the kids and need to sit down with her afterwards. The phone and her shows are so insignificant when it comes to the possibility of losing me.

I will let you know what happens.
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 02:16 AM
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Re: Wife Shows No More Interest

You'd better go online and check your phone bill. Just so you know exactly what you're dealing with.

Takes about 15 minutes. You can usually download and sort. Don't be surprised at what you find.

If there is something amiss keep it to yourself until you figure it out.
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 03:22 AM
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Re: Wife Shows No More Interest

She has zero respect for you.

No way would I say something so demeaning to my H with a third party present. I'd hope he put the smack down on me right then and there. Not to mention tell me to use my legs and get my own wine. Kindness doesn't cost a thing.

Her behavior tells me she is projecting and maybe it has to do with your pay cut. Maybe something else.

What value does she bring to your life? Truly? You sound like roommates that just about tolerate each other.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 06:29 AM
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Re: Wife Shows No More Interest

Yeah...OP needs to be very careful. On one hand there needs to be a talk to really communicate how you feel and you feel disrespected and you are not happy. And that things need to change.

On the other hand needs to stay quiet and start looking for evidence.

Divorce is horrible....but sometimes necessary. I'm 11 months into bad custody fight. But we are finally talking and have a schedule. And child support amount.

I'm more at peace. Huge stress and heartache but more at peace.

Your wife and mine sound very similar. We had a lot of fun together when things were good. She really wanted us to be close and talk and have a good time but somehow just not able to do it. We fought every single week about the same things.

Eventually after six years of fighting she finally let me know her childhood was not perfect as was the picture presented to me and everyone else. She told me some things that should have been said during dating.

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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:00 AM
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Re: Wife Shows No More Interest

[B I suggest we should watch a movie together and get turned down. I suggest we get a sitter and have a date night and get turned down. I suggest she let me go out and get dessert just for us and get turned down.][/B]

Stop asking for permission.


She then demanded I get her and her friend more wine.


This needs to stop, but it won't if you allow her to get away with it.



I plan to have a talk with my wife tomorrow and would like to hear everyone's thoughts.[/QUOTE]


Having a talk will come off as whining, in my opinion. She doesn't respect you. You need to change that.
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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:07 AM
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Re: Wife Shows No More Interest

[QUOTE=Furyus;17392962]




I normally don't take crap from anybody

Except from your wife.

I go to church tomorrow morning with her and the kids and need to sit down with her afterwards. The phone and her shows are so insignificant when it comes to the possibility of losing me.


She has so little respect for you she may not care if she loses you, I'd hold off for a bit.


You need to read Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay. Perfect resource for your situation.
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:19 AM
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Re: Wife Shows No More Interest

Quote:
Originally Posted by Furyus View Post
I am good looking, funny, smart, in good shape, don't cheat, and have started to wonder if I should cheat myself to get the affection I am due. I have been offered multiple times and am getting tired of it.
First off if you knew your wife was unaffectionate why did you think marriage and the burden of children and everyday married life would change that?

Secondly a heck of a lot of nice guy passive aggressive behaviour. Your wife openly disrespected you in front of a guest, you didn't confront then, not after but much later as if expecting her to apologize when you know it wouldn't happen.

Even the sentence above, why not just leave instead of cheating and all the nonsense that will bring up. You're a good catch right? Why are you settling for no sex and a wife that would rather look at her phone than be social/sexual with you?

You're not due anything. That's your problem. Not due anything for washing dishes, cooking, getting groceries, you do it because that's what people with responsibilities do. If she's not pulling her weight, why put up with it?
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:21 AM
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Re: Wife Shows No More Interest

She will care if she loses him, the degree of which is certainly open to debate.

OP, let's start with this:

Do you even know for certain at whom you are angry?

FTR, I was in a similar position as you at the end of 2013, and had been for the better part of a few years.

It is possible to recover. @MEM2020 was instrumental in that recovery. I would take another look at his post.

Why?

Because there are two ways to solve this problem.

1: Latch on to your anger, burn the marriage down around you, and find yourself in the very same situation in your next relationship.

2: Let go of your anger while focusing on building emotional intimacy, and the marriage will either succeed or fail. If it does fail, you will be a much better partner the next Mrs. Furyus.

Anger will not serve you in this problem. I speak from experience.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:32 AM
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Re: Wife Shows No More Interest

@Furyus,

I can't say if you can get what you want from this marriage. I can say if you confront her now you will certainly lose.

You are not prepared. You have a lot of work to do on yourself to take back your esteem, your respect, and your leadership. Anger won't get you there. Do you understand?
Do you want her to respect you? You won't get it unless you respect yourself and are happy with yourself first.
This is not a wife problem, this is a Furyus problem.

This... No More Mr. Nice Guy

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

Be a better man... / ADHD and Marriage

Last edited by anchorwatch; 02-19-2017 at 07:38 AM.
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