Not sure what to do - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 04:07 PM Thread Starter
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Not sure what to do

Hi, this is my first post. My husband and I have been married for 8 years. It's been a rough 8 years and I feel like I'm at my breaking point. He doesn't communicate with me at all, he won't talk to me, I've asked him for at least the last 4 years to go to counseling with me and he won't. I've went on my own twice but I've been told that we both need to come. We have huge intimacy issues, I've always wanted children and I feel he's cheated me out of that. I feel so unloved and unwanted. I feel like I live with a roommate not a husband. There rarely any affection. I love my husband but every day I fall out of love with him even more. He has hurt me really bad in the last couple of days. I'm starting to think I need to leave I am so emotionally exhausted. I'm tired of being hurt over and over. I just turned 40 I feel like I should move on and try to find happiness . I can't make him talk to me about our issues or go to counseling...what do I do?

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 06:53 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelaD View Post
Hi, this is my first post. My husband and I have been married for 8 years. It's been a rough 8 years and I feel like I'm at my breaking point. He doesn't communicate with me at all, he won't talk to me, I've asked him for at least the last 4 years to go to counseling with me and he won't. I've went on my own twice but I've been told that we both need to come. We have huge intimacy issues, I've always wanted children and I feel he's cheated me out of that. I feel so unloved and unwanted. I feel like I live with a roommate not a husband. There rarely any affection. I love my husband but every day I fall out of love with him even more. He has hurt me really bad in the last couple of days. I'm starting to think I need to leave I am so emotionally exhausted. I'm tired of being hurt over and over. I just turned 40 I feel like I should move on and try to find happiness . I can't make him talk to me about our issues or go to counseling...what do I do?
Anyone who says love should be unconditional is nuts! What is your husband doing for you to continue loving him? Anything at all? Are you sure you still love him? Or are you use to being with him? If you met this man today and knew what you know now do you think you would fall in love with him? Could you picture yourself marrying this man? Would you even date him?

I always forget who's quote this is but someone on this site says something to the effect of (I have to paraphrase here) "refuse to be with anyone who sucks the life out of you" I love that philosophy, some people just suck the joy right out of your day, avoid them at all cost.

What do you need to do? You need to decide what will make you happy….and do it. Your quote "it's been a rough eight years". Soon it will be a rough ten years, then fifteen years, then twenty….see where this is going?

Last edited by Cooper; 02-19-2017 at 06:58 PM.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:48 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do

It's been 8 years, has it always been like this or did something happen to change it?

If you are 40 and want children, unhappy, feeling unwanted then I would say it is time to move on before you miss out on having children because then your resentment will get worse.



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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 09:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do

You've given me something to think about...I wouldn't marry him if I met him now and he was like this.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 09:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do

It's been like this most of our marriage.....I do want children.....not sure how to move on.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 12:21 AM
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Re: Not sure what to do

Didn't you know this about him before you got married? I have seen so many woman marry the wrong man because they think he will change or they can change him. Adults rarely change their basic nature and even if they do, it may not be in a way you like. Both my wife and I have remained the same over the course of our 44+ years marriage. I knew who I was marrying and my wife is still the same.

If your husband's nature and behavior has changed drastically over the course of your marriage, it could indicate several things. He may be suffering from depression, cheating on you which causes him to push you away, no longer loves you, etc.. You need to ask him specific questions and let him know that if he does not communicate with you, you will be forced to leave him because you cannot live like you currently are.

Marriage counselling will not work if he does not want to save the marriage enough to go through it. Even if you go, I have yet to know a couple where marriage counselling saved their marriage. It seems to be more of a speed bump right before divorce. As I said, an adult cannot change much and love cannot be willed into or out of existence. It is either there or not. Much wiser people than me have said that if your spouse tells you that they no longer love you by word or deed, it is time to get out of the marriage. It is one thing if you have a specific problem to work out but it sounds like you have an overall problem with your husband and does not sound like he loves you at all.

Men will hang around as long as they have a place to live and food to eat. No reason to divorce if your needs are being met. I can go into the details of my marriage but it is so much different than yours. A marriage with mutual love and respect is something you yet to experience. It is a husband that wants to make you happy, who loves you unconditionally and shows that love to you in many ways. My wife and I have nothing in common. We do not even like the same TV shows and movies. Yet we made it work because of love. We have figured out ways around any problems we had because we loved each other and wanted to find a solution. I shower my wife with so much love and attention that she sometimes says that I smother her with love. Life can be so much better with the right husband and I do not think you have the right husband. You are young enough to divorce and find someone else, have kids and live happily ever after. Sounds like you are on a dead end street and grasping as straws to put off the inevitable.

You asked and this is my opinion, like it or not. Ultimately it is your decision, but I suspect that you know what it will be in the end. Good luck and I wish you a marriage like I have. I met my wife one day and three weeks later we were engaged. Truly love at first sight. I cannot imagine life without my wife and make sure she knows that I love her every day. I wish this for you.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 04:47 AM
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Re: Not sure what to do

Get IC for yourself to work through your feelings and emotions so that your path ahead can be clearer. You cannot change your H unless he is willing to change himself.
Tell him you are getting IC and would like it if he did the same. Tell him it is likely you will have a clearer view of yourself, what you want long term and the marriage, and is he is not prepared to put in the effort same as you, there will be no marriage. It is up to him, his response will tell you what you need to know.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 01:52 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do

Just leave. It's going to be hard but he is just going to drag you down. You need to cut him from your life.
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 03:44 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do

If there are significant problems in your marriage and he doesn't care enough to make any effort to work on them--like he refuses to go to counseling--you have no reason to stay. Nothing will ever change in this marriage, and you'll never be happy as long as you are married to a man who neglects your needs and your happiness.

I wasted too many years on a man like this, and I wish that I had left far earlier than I did. Don't stick around for another 5 years because you're afraid to leave, or because you hope that things will change... 5 years from now, you'll be wishing that you had left today.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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