Are you happy you left? happy you stayed? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

User Tag List

 145Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 97 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:12 PM
Member
 
bankshot1993's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: alberta
Posts: 252
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

I'm not really sure how everyone can so quickly answer that the OP isn't "expecting too much" when none of us even know what her expectations are. Yes, she says what she wants but not how it is conveyed.

There is a great many people out there that do have a romanticised idea about what marriage is and when they find out it isn't a romance novel they think there marriage is broken and needs to be abandoned or fixed. When our head is buried in a romance novel its pretty easy to lose sight of the fact that it can't all be roses and love ballads. There are bills to pay and long work days to be worked, kids to be cared for and houses to cleaned, commitments to be met and a reality of everyday life getting in the way.

There are so many women out there that absolutely hate when their spouses look at porn because it sets up unrealistic expectations, I for one have the some view on romance novels because they do the same thing. 50 shades of grey was a titillating tale of sex and love, but that's only because the main character was rich, otherwise he was just a creepy reprobate freak.

I'm not saying that marriage should be horrible or that we should just settle for being unhappy, only that we need to understand what that happiness looks like and how it is achieved. There is a lot of women out there that aren't happy in their marriage despite the fact that they have found somebody who treats them well and with respect, is a great father, a good provider and a faithful giving lover. Still their not happy because it isn't what they thought it would be or they don't hear fireworks anymore. the reality is that eventually the fireworks go away and give way to normal everyday life and all the responsibilities that come with it.

TO the OP, only you can decide if your expectations are unrealistic because only you know what you are using as a measuring stick to see if your marriage measures up to your expectation.


Our lives are a novel and we, the authors. if you don't like the story line, only you have the power to change it.
bankshot1993 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 97 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:24 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,322
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by flyhigher View Post
I appreciate the honesty here. We did marry quickly. We were pregnant after a year of dating, and married soon after our daughter was born. We bought our home asap, and had our son 17 months after our first baby. It all happened so quickly; I hardly knew what hit me!
I love how you mentioned soul searching; because the truth is.. that's what i have been doing! These starts have been going on for at least 2 years. Things get better when I tell him I'm unhappy... but it always falls back into old pattern. Last year, I decided that it must be ME that's unhappy; because I have everything most people desire in life... so I started a journey of self love, meditation, spiritual freedom and body acceptance. It has been amazing and I've had to swallow a few difficult pills; but I'm growing and loving myself more and more. I am no longer angry at my husband; I understand that this is just who he is and that that's okay. The more I dig... the more I wonder if we're just not meant to be lovers..
It pains me to think of hurting him. He's not a bad man.. he's never intentionally hurt me, and he's always sincere in wanting to make our marriage work. I don't want him to change who he is in order to keep me fulfilled... that's not fair to him. He deserves someone who will love him as he is.



Thank you.. I don't feel I'm expecting too much either; but I've had a few people (including my H) say, "this is what most peoples' marriages look like! this is normal life!" And I can't help but thinking...... maybe I'm different than "normal" people.. ?? I mean, I don't think I am, but.. i think just our personalities and outlooks are different. Where he says, "yeah, this is good enough", I say, "there must be something more"...
So, I'm not too sure. My H is a bit .. hm.. I dont know the word lol. He doesn't ever SEE me unhappy.. I have to tell him. And he becomes mroe attentive for a bit.. but than it falls back again, and I find it becomes a pattern of my having to keep saying, "I'm unhappy again... I'm unhappy again... I'm unhappy again" which totally sucks and makes me feel needy and ****ty.
I'm trying to be happy ANYWAY; without him having to attend to my needs; and for the most part, I AM. but, that means I could miss out on a greater love; and I'd rather have the possibility, than admit defeat.

I say all this so easily here; but to his face, I shrivel up and am wrecked with guilt. It's so hard to hurt someone who loves you the best they can.
You are not helping him by not telling him. Give him a chance to fight for the marriage.
sokillme is online now  
post #18 of 97 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:26 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,322
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by flyhigher View Post
I feel like I say, "We have to talk now, before things get bad and we lose our marriage" every 6 months. We have a hard time staying consistent... patterns always, always return. Things get better after "the talk", than he gets lazy and stops being attentive, I try to get his attention back; it doesnt work so I get offended and pull it back, he doesn't notice the pull back, and gets even further into his own world, I start doing my own thing.. and he's okay with it.. I end up realizing, hey, we're back to being disconnected and bitter... and I end up saying, again, "We have to talk now."
Honestly.. that pattern, has been our entire marriage.
What does "attentive" mean. Give us an example of when it was good and when it was bad.
sokillme is online now  
 
post #19 of 97 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:35 PM
Member
 
katiecrna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,659
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

I can't agree more with @bankshot1993
katiecrna is offline  
post #20 of 97 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:35 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,322
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
This is difficult because I think this is common in a lot of marriage and I think it's just the differences between men and women. Men don't need a lot to be happy. Honestly if their wife is happy they are usually happy. But women are more complicated, we require "more" to be happy. So it sets us up to look like we're always complaining, we're never happy, and nothing is ever good enough... or at least this is how it looks from our spouses.

Our spouse will never fulfill us, and will never be able to give us what we feel like we need. That's just the way it is. So appreciate what your husband is good at, and take that from him. What he sucks at... we can get that from elsewhere, like girlfriends and family and spirituality.
You are your own person, this is your life. Your husband and your marriage is just a part of who you are and what your life encompasses. So don't make him more than that, don't make him your life. You have your own goals, and you have your own specific purpose. Your spouse is there to go through life with you, not to be your life if I am making sense. Your giving him too much power.
Life is about balance. Not one thing will make you happy, but you will get a little bit of happiness through many things. Your job, your friends, family, spouse, God, goals etc.

Look into balance wheels, or life wheels or holistic health wheels or something like that lol. They help you put in perspective what our life's needs are and how to have a balanced life. And I believe when your balanced your more content and at peace with your life. Not always searching for happiness.
I agree with a lot of this. Like I posted in the other thread Marriage is not a panacea for happiness. It was never meant to be that, that is 20th century Disney happily ever after thinking. We only think this way because we in western society have been so prosperous and have so much free time and wealth we can think of it that way, but then maybe this all comes down to what is modern marriage all about. I personally wouldn't want to be married to anyone who though I was going to bring them all their happiness. That is too much for anyone to ask.

It is very unfair though to expect your spouse or even your marriage to provide all or even most of your happiness. It can't and it won't. The question is really how much does it have to provide for you to feel satisfied. But I would say if it is more then 70% you are in for a an unhappy life.
sokillme is online now  
post #21 of 97 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:37 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,322
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bankshot1993 View Post
I'm not really sure how everyone can so quickly answer that the OP isn't "expecting too much" when none of us even know what her expectations are. Yes, she says what she wants but not how it is conveyed.

There is a great many people out there that do have a romanticised idea about what marriage is and when they find out it isn't a romance novel they think there marriage is broken and needs to be abandoned or fixed. When our head is buried in a romance novel its pretty easy to lose sight of the fact that it can't all be roses and love ballads. There are bills to pay and long work days to be worked, kids to be cared for and houses to cleaned, commitments to be met and a reality of everyday life getting in the way.

There are so many women out there that absolutely hate when their spouses look at porn because it sets up unrealistic expectations, I for one have the some view on romance novels because they do the same thing. 50 shades of grey was a titillating tale of sex and love, but that's only because the main character was rich, otherwise he was just a creepy reprobate freak.

I'm not saying that marriage should be horrible or that we should just settle for being unhappy, only that we need to understand what that happiness looks like and how it is achieved. There is a lot of women out there that aren't happy in their marriage despite the fact that they have found somebody who treats them well and with respect, is a great father, a good provider and a faithful giving lover. Still their not happy because it isn't what they thought it would be or they don't hear fireworks anymore. the reality is that eventually the fireworks go away and give way to normal everyday life and all the responsibilities that come with it.

TO the OP, only you can decide if your expectations are unrealistic because only you know what you are using as a measuring stick to see if your marriage measures up to your expectation.
This should be on the sidebar.

I think the point is OP, you are never going to be happily ever after unless you make yourself. Doesn't mean you should stay in a bad marriage though.
sokillme is online now  
post #22 of 97 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:39 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,072
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
What does "attentive" mean. Give us an example of when it was good and when it was bad.
When women realise that men are not mind readers everyone will be happier.
If you want something done just ****in ask,don't expect us to guess.
No,we shouldn't WANT to wash dishes.
If we ask you do you want a pastry with your coffee a yes or no answer is the only one we will accept. Don't say no and then eat half of ours.
If you want more sex just ask,really,just ask.
YES it is your job to tell us what's bothering you because otherwise how the **** are we to know.
Andy1001 is offline  
post #23 of 97 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:43 PM
Member
 
MrsAldi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,533
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by flyhigher View Post

I'm craving more from marriage; from love; from life.... but, maybe I"m just expecting too much and dreaming of fairy tales that don't exist.

I guess I want to know... is it NORMAL to feel out of love with your husband? To view him as a friend.. a parenting partner.. a convenience? He claims that he's so in love with me still; and I can see how he tries to show it. I've looked into a lot of things to help out; the 5 love languages was a big one.
In which ways do he try show his love?

Quote:
We speak love VERY differently, and the things he does for me, are not my love language. I miss connection. I miss conversation. I miss heart-to-hearts, and soul searching. I miss intimacy that lasts longer than the sex does. I miss WANTING him. I miss being wanted. I miss the love.
Have you tried to explain this to him yet?

Maybe seeing a sex therapist could help improve things again.


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk
MrsAldi is online now  
post #24 of 97 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:45 PM
Member
 
katiecrna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,659
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

If he is attentive you are happy, and If he is inattentive you aren't?
I want you to reflect on that.
You are talking about breaking up a family here...
katiecrna is offline  
post #25 of 97 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 05:04 PM
Member
 
katiecrna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,659
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
When women realise that men are not mind readers everyone will be happier.

If you want something done just ****in ask,don't expect us to guess.

No,we shouldn't WANT to wash dishes.

If we ask you do you want a pastry with your coffee a yes or no answer is the only one we will accept. Don't say no and then eat half of ours.

If you want more sex just ask,really,just ask.

YES it is your job to tell us what's bothering you because otherwise how the **** are we to know.

I am fighting the urge to respond to this because it won't be nice and it will cause problems. Ahh so hard...

katiecrna is offline  
post #26 of 97 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 05:05 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,072
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I am fighting the urge to respond to this because it won't be nice and it will cause problems. Ahh so hard...
Go ahead.I can take it,this day can't really get any worse.
Andy1001 is offline  
post #27 of 97 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 05:20 PM
Member
 
katiecrna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,659
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
When women realise that men are not mind readers everyone will be happier.

If you want something done just ****in ask,don't expect us to guess.

No,we shouldn't WANT to wash dishes.

If we ask you do you want a pastry with your coffee a yes or no answer is the only one we will accept. Don't say no and then eat half of ours.

If you want more sex just ask,really,just ask.

YES it is your job to tell us what's bothering you because otherwise how the **** are we to know.


I unfortunelty agree with this. I think us women think men are better than they actually are. They are just men. And I had to come to the realization... what my husband should do vs what he will do.

Yea they should be attentive. They should notice the small things. They should take initiative and help out. They should be able to comfort us and show us emotion. Blah blah blah. The reality is many times... they don't. It's not natural to them or in their DNA or something.

Men are sometimes like children. You need to tell them what to do. They wait for their mommy (aka wife) to pick up after them and tell them what to do. And this notion is reflected when men take their socks off and leave them on the floor. Or take their dish and put it on the counter. They wait for their mommy wife to take care of it for them. Or when they ask you where the (fill in the blank ) is.
katiecrna is offline  
post #28 of 97 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 05:44 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,322
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

I don't agree with everything on this site but I do agree with these

https://youtu.be/YYNkGTb2Zr4?t=53''

Another one

https://www.prageru.com/courses/life...s/why-be-happy
sokillme is online now  
post #29 of 97 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 06:00 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 84
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
Sooo many people go through the exact pattern you described. Its hard when one person thinks things are "good enough" because in the long run, they are not willing to make the changes needed by the unhappy partner. They just dont see the need. It seems like some people believe that all you have to do is get married, and no further effort is needed once that is done.

I ended two marriages, and have never had a single moment's regret about either one.

When your H DID make attempts at improvement, did you make sure to acknowledge those attempts?
I did make an effort to acknowledge when he attempts improvement. My H has anxiety and depression, and I am very aware of the difficulties those present. It's hard for him to make a simple phone call about something simple; say, phoning the school to tell them my daughter won't be there today. I've discussed his mental issues in IC very thoroughly, I've read books and have gained some wonderful tips on how to best support him. I think he would agree that I'm more than patient in this area. When I can see he's pushing himself to help me; I am very aware to say thank you and tell him how much I appreciate it. Unfortunately, his mental anxieties can lead to long periods of not leaving the house, not bathing, not cleaning up after himself. Those are harder to handle for me, as I'm a naturally social person.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
Do the both of you work full-time?

What's your debt-to-income ratio like?
I work full time. H stays home with out 2year old. He cooks and "cleans" lol. I do my very very best to over look the mess that I really think SHOULDN'T be there with one parent staying home.. but when/if I say anything, he takes things to heart and gets offended easily and is very sensitive. I've started saying things like, "What is a better way for me to phrase that?" when he gets offended if I ask him to clean up the kitchen today... things like that. But he'l just say, "Its not that bad!" ... but it definitely is that bad. Haha.
We are pretty broke right now. It's not looking good.. we may have to down size. He just started mentioning getting a part time job to help out. I'm not too excited though.. him saying is a lot different to him doing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bankshot1993 View Post
I'm not really sure how everyone can so quickly answer that the OP isn't "expecting too much" when none of us even know what her expectations are. Yes, she says what she wants but not how it is conveyed.

There is a great many people out there that do have a romanticised idea about what marriage is and when they find out it isn't a romance novel they think there marriage is broken and needs to be abandoned or fixed. When our head is buried in a romance novel its pretty easy to lose sight of the fact that it can't all be roses and love ballads. There are bills to pay and long work days to be worked, kids to be cared for and houses to cleaned, commitments to be met and a reality of everyday life getting in the way.

There are so many women out there that absolutely hate when their spouses look at porn because it sets up unrealistic expectations, I for one have the some view on romance novels because they do the same thing. 50 shades of grey was a titillating tale of sex and love, but that's only because the main character was rich, otherwise he was just a creepy reprobate freak.

I'm not saying that marriage should be horrible or that we should just settle for being unhappy, only that we need to understand what that happiness looks like and how it is achieved. There is a lot of women out there that aren't happy in their marriage despite the fact that they have found somebody who treats them well and with respect, is a great father, a good provider and a faithful giving lover. Still their not happy because it isn't what they thought it would be or they don't hear fireworks anymore. the reality is that eventually the fireworks go away and give way to normal everyday life and all the responsibilities that come with it.

TO the OP, only you can decide if your expectations are unrealistic because only you know what you are using as a measuring stick to see if your marriage measures up to your expectation.
I appreciate what you're saying here. I'd like to be clear that I am not expecting marriage to be romantic every day, or for the butterflies to sing me songs in the morning. I'm a very realistic person. I think what I was trying to ask was, how unhappy is enough to leave. The truth is, yes, I could stay with my husband and live a long life with him; but I will always live in a state of wonder... would I have been better off without him? Has he been pulling me down all this time? Is this really what my life has become? I dont want to look back in regret. My H and I are very different. Yes, I love him; he's a good man.. but I find myself enjoying his company less because we are growing in different directions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
What does "attentive" mean. Give us an example of when it was good and when it was bad.
In the earlier years of our marriage, we would spend a lot of time taking longs walks, or drives, and discussing life. We talks a lot about dreams and futures. He opened up to me about his anxieties and depression, and I opened up about my childhood and parents. We got deep and I felt connected to him. Now, when I try to bring things like that up, he blocks me with, "I'm fine." "I don't want to talk about it." or "I just want to game (video games) a little bit, and than we'll talk" and than he'll go to bed before we can chat. When I make a point of having a conversation, and make him sit down to talk... I get eye rolls and sighs and the conversation feels forced and unnatural and cheap. It's not connection. I've mentioned this struggle before, and he said, "What do you mean, we're connecting right now!!" He simply doesn't understand what I mean.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
When women realise that men are not mind readers everyone will be happier.
If you want something done just ****in ask,don't expect us to guess.
No,we shouldn't WANT to wash dishes.
If we ask you do you want a pastry with your coffee a yes or no answer is the only one we will accept. Don't say no and then eat half of ours.
If you want more sex just ask,really,just ask.
YES it is your job to tell us what's bothering you because otherwise how the **** are we to know.
I also appreciate this, because this WAS me at one point. I wanted him to read my mind, and know me so well that I didn't have to explain too much. I know different now. My IC has helped me with this and I am very clear with my H, beacuse I know he cannot read my mind.
I've asked for more sex. He says, "yeah, we should get on that" .. and than nothing changes. I've asked for connection and date nights, he always makes it seem like a hassel; I've even said, "When you sigh and roll you're eyes, it makes me feel like a date night with me is a hassel." He'll respond, "Sorry. It's not" .. most of the time, I feel like I'm dragging him around because he doesnt actually WANT to do anything.. which sucks, because I love doing things.

When he and I met, he made himself seem way more social than he is. I only started to see the truth of his anxieties and depression once I was already pregnant. There is a part of me that feels "tricked"... he told me he had lots of friends, and partied (this was in college), loved to travel and do new things. All of this... is not at all true. He also told me he wasn't a virgin; something I straight up asked him. I found out 4 years after being together, that he was. That hurt me; but he said he was embarrassed and didn't want to admit it. I could understand that. We have sex about 1 or 2 a month.. he will not discuss our sex life with me. I've tried, trust me. He shuts right down. It's frustrating.

Honestly, I do try to communicate with my H. I haven't mentioned my thought recently because I'm trying to get a clear idea of what I want and expect before I bring it to him. Bringing it to him at this point will cause his stress and anxiety, and no good will come from it.
We were in a fragile state last year... I committed to IC, but he never attended his. We never went to MC; because I didn't feel the committment from him. He says, "Therapy doesn't work for me"

I can't come on for the rest of the night, but I'll check in in the morning for more.

Thanks again for your responses.
flyhigher is offline  
post #30 of 97 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 06:03 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,322
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I unfortunelty agree with this. I think us women think men are better than they actually are. They are just men. And I had to come to the realization... what my husband should do vs what he will do.

Yea they should be attentive. They should notice the small things. They should take initiative and help out. They should be able to comfort us and show us emotion. Blah blah blah. The reality is many times... they don't. It's not natural to them or in their DNA or something.

Men are sometimes like children. You need to tell them what to do. They wait for their mommy (aka wife) to pick up after them and tell them what to do. And this notion is reflected when men take their socks off and leave them on the floor. Or take their dish and put it on the counter. They wait for their mommy wife to take care of it for them. Or when they ask you where the (fill in the blank ) is.
I agree with everything here but I say it doesn't matter the gender. For myself I would say I am have almost always been much more emotionally mature then any of the women I have been with. I was always much more interested in it. I usually notice when things are wrong much faster then most. I have noticed when co-workers and friends are having issues and mentioned it only to see them astonished that I knew something was up. One time a guy friend at work said, basically I am amazed that you were able to pick up that something is going on when even most of my family doesn't know, but I can't talk to you about it. I think his wife cheated on him. I am generally the one in my marriage to lead discussions on emotion and talking about feelings. I post on a marriage board in long discussions about relationships about emotions. My wife would much rather watch house hunters.

I don't like and am even kind of offended by the stereotype that men can't talk about their feelings, that we are frat boys. Lots and lots of western romance, writings, poems, movies, novels were written by men. So we can do it just fine. Just read some of these posts on here and other sites and there are a lot of marriages where it is obvious that the men are much more emotionally intelligent then the women. Especially when there is cheating involved.

So you shouldn't generalize. The point is no one is a mind reader. It is generally a good idea to tell your SO what you need in a relationship. The problem is when you need to tell them over and over.
sokillme is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Husband has left me. So confused about whether I can turn this around keljoy76 Going Through Divorce or Separation 9 02-21-2017 02:25 AM
Happy Holiday Tips for Blended Families VS Glen Home Page Feature News 0 12-05-2016 10:45 AM
Happy New Year, everyone! MattMatt The Social Spot 29 01-01-2016 02:43 PM
I left...then he left. Corpuswife Going Through Divorce or Separation 15 12-15-2015 12:19 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome