Sooo many people go through the exact pattern you described. Its hard when one person thinks things are "good enough" because in the long run, they are not willing to make the changes needed by the unhappy partner. They just dont see the need. It seems like some people believe that all you have to do is get married, and no further effort is needed once that is done.
I ended two marriages, and have never had a single moment's regret about either one.
When your H DID make attempts at improvement, did you make sure to acknowledge those attempts?
I did make an effort to acknowledge when he attempts improvement. My H has anxiety and depression, and I am very aware of the difficulties those present. It's hard for him to make a simple phone call about something simple; say, phoning the school to tell them my daughter won't be there today. I've discussed his mental issues in IC very thoroughly, I've read books and have gained some wonderful tips on how to best support him. I think he would agree that I'm more than patient in this area. When I can see he's pushing himself to help me; I am very aware to say thank you and tell him how much I appreciate it. Unfortunately, his mental anxieties can lead to long periods of not leaving the house, not bathing, not cleaning up after himself. Those are harder to handle for me, as I'm a naturally social person.
Do the both of you work full-time?
What's your debt-to-income ratio like?
I work full time. H stays home with out 2year old. He cooks and "cleans" lol. I do my very very best to over look the mess that I really think SHOULDN'T be there with one parent staying home.. but when/if I say anything, he takes things to heart and gets offended easily and is very sensitive. I've started saying things like, "What is a better way for me to phrase that?" when he gets offended if I ask him to clean up the kitchen today... things like that. But he'l just say, "Its not that bad!" ... but it definitely is that bad. Haha.
We are pretty broke right now. It's not looking good.. we may have to down size. He just started mentioning getting a part time job to help out. I'm not too excited though.. him saying is a lot different to him doing.
I'm not really sure how everyone can so quickly answer that the OP isn't "expecting too much" when none of us even know what her expectations are. Yes, she says what she wants but not how it is conveyed.
There is a great many people out there that do have a romanticised idea about what marriage is and when they find out it isn't a romance novel they think there marriage is broken and needs to be abandoned or fixed. When our head is buried in a romance novel its pretty easy to lose sight of the fact that it can't all be roses and love ballads. There are bills to pay and long work days to be worked, kids to be cared for and houses to cleaned, commitments to be met and a reality of everyday life getting in the way.
There are so many women out there that absolutely hate when their spouses look at porn because it sets up unrealistic expectations, I for one have the some view on romance novels because they do the same thing. 50 shades of grey was a titillating tale of sex and love, but that's only because the main character was rich, otherwise he was just a creepy reprobate freak.
I'm not saying that marriage should be horrible or that we should just settle for being unhappy, only that we need to understand what that happiness looks like and how it is achieved. There is a lot of women out there that aren't happy in their marriage despite the fact that they have found somebody who treats them well and with respect, is a great father, a good provider and a faithful giving lover. Still their not happy because it isn't what they thought it would be or they don't hear fireworks anymore. the reality is that eventually the fireworks go away and give way to normal everyday life and all the responsibilities that come with it.
TO the OP, only you can decide if your expectations are unrealistic because only you know what you are using as a measuring stick to see if your marriage measures up to your expectation.
I appreciate what you're saying here. I'd like to be clear that I am not expecting marriage to be romantic every day, or for the butterflies to sing me songs in the morning. I'm a very realistic person. I think what I was trying to ask was, how unhappy is enough to leave. The truth is, yes, I could stay with my husband and live a long life with him; but I will always live in a state of wonder... would I have been better off without him? Has he been pulling me down all this time? Is this really what my life has become? I dont want to look back in regret. My H and I are very different. Yes, I love him; he's a good man.. but I find myself enjoying his company less because we are growing in different directions.
What does "attentive" mean. Give us an example of when it was good and when it was bad.
In the earlier years of our marriage, we would spend a lot of time taking longs walks, or drives, and discussing life. We talks a lot about dreams and futures. He opened up to me about his anxieties and depression, and I opened up about my childhood and parents. We got deep and I felt connected to him. Now, when I try to bring things like that up, he blocks me with, "I'm fine." "I don't want to talk about it." or "I just want to game (video games) a little bit, and than we'll talk" and than he'll go to bed before we can chat. When I make a point of having a conversation, and make him sit down to talk... I get eye rolls and sighs and the conversation feels forced and unnatural and cheap. It's not connection. I've mentioned this struggle before, and he said, "What do you mean, we're connecting right now!!" He simply doesn't understand what I mean.
When women realise that men are not mind readers everyone will be happier.
If you want something done just ****in ask,don't expect us to guess.
No,we shouldn't WANT to wash dishes.
If we ask you do you want a pastry with your coffee a yes or no answer is the only one we will accept. Don't say no and then eat half of ours.
If you want more sex just ask,really,just ask.
YES it is your job to tell us what's bothering you because otherwise how the **** are we to know.
I also appreciate this, because this WAS me at one point. I wanted him to read my mind, and know me so well that I didn't have to explain too much. I know different now. My IC has helped me with this and I am very clear with my H, beacuse I know he cannot read my mind.
I've asked for more sex. He says, "yeah, we should get on that" .. and than nothing changes. I've asked for connection and date nights, he always makes it seem like a hassel; I've even said, "When you sigh and roll you're eyes, it makes me feel like a date night with me is a hassel." He'll respond, "Sorry. It's not" .. most of the time, I feel like I'm dragging him around because he doesnt actually WANT to do anything.. which sucks, because I love doing things.
When he and I met, he made himself seem way more social than he is. I only started to see the truth of his anxieties and depression once I was already pregnant. There is a part of me that feels "tricked"... he told me he had lots of friends, and partied (this was in college), loved to travel and do new things. All of this... is not at all true. He also told me he wasn't a virgin; something I straight up asked him. I found out 4 years after being together, that he was. That hurt me; but he said he was embarrassed and didn't want to admit it. I could understand that. We have sex about 1 or 2 a month.. he will not discuss our sex life with me. I've tried, trust me. He shuts right down. It's frustrating.
Honestly, I do try to communicate with my H. I haven't mentioned my thought recently because I'm trying to get a clear idea of what I want and expect before I bring it to him. Bringing it to him at this point will cause his stress and anxiety, and no good will come from it.
We were in a fragile state last year... I committed to IC, but he never attended his. We never went to MC; because I didn't feel the committment from him. He says, "Therapy doesn't work for me"
I can't come on for the rest of the night, but I'll check in in the morning for more.
Thanks again for your responses.