Are you happy you left? happy you stayed? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #46 of 97 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 01:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

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Originally Posted by WorkingWife View Post
This ^^^. It's very common for the wife to feel unhappy and out of love because she is being neglected. However, the husband doesn't "get it" until she leaves. Then he is totally blind sided.
I appreciate what you're saying here. I've told him over and over in last 2-3 years how unhappy I am. It often comes with false promises and a "this is just what marriage is like" attitude. I'm done asking for change.. I'm going to take charge now.

We almost separated last year, and I agreed to give it another shot. He told me he'd go into counselling, become more socially active, be a "better sport" (he's very negative and miserable in general) All of which hasn't happened. I started IC around that time, and he never went to his.. he just wants me to stop being unhappy and just accept that this is life.

I refuse to accept that this will be my life.

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post #47 of 97 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 01:21 PM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

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I appreciate what you're saying here. I've told him over and over in last 2-3 years how unhappy I am. It often comes with false promises and a "this is just what marriage is like" attitude. I'm done asking for change.. I'm going to take charge now.

We almost separated last year, and I agreed to give it another shot. He told me he'd go into counselling, become more socially active, be a "better sport" (he's very negative and miserable in general) All of which hasn't happened. I started IC around that time, and he never went to his.. he just wants me to stop being unhappy and just accept that this is life.

I refuse to accept that this will be my life.
It sounds like you are very certain which in one sense is a good thing it means you both know where you stand loud and clear.

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post #48 of 97 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 01:53 PM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Hon, you're 27 years old. You have an 11 years older husband who doesn't work, barely has sex with you and is miserable most of the time.

What's in this for you? The answer is nothing. You have your whole life ahead of you.

He will beg and promise changes but also remember that you're his meal ticket. Without you he HAS to get a job, but if he can throw you enough crumbs to stick around he can continue to have you support him. He gets everything he needs while you get very little.

You don't have to dance around your reasons.....tell him you're done with this marriage.

If he promises to do better tell him it's over, you don't love him and that's it. He knows you're unhappy, he just may not know it's bad enough for you to dump him. But what does that say? Only that your happiness doesn't much matter as long as you're not going anywhere.

All you're ever going to get from this guy are enough crumbs to get you to stick around. Kind of like the person who does just enough at work to avoid getting fired.

And besides, the longer you let this go on the more you'll owe him in alimony when you finally do divorce.
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post #49 of 97 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

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And besides, the longer you let this go on the more you'll owe him in alimony when you finally do divorce.
First of all; thank you!! You stated exactly how I'm seeing things. I am young, and I'm looking forward to my life, now that I've made this decision.

Secondly, I am horrified of alimony! I guess I should see a lawyer at some point, but I was hoping that paying him$500/month plus giving him the baby bonus (that's $1200ish/month) would kind of...go towards that? Will the court recognize that money? I dont know... is it stupid of me to offer that money first thing?

He doesnt seem like the type to do any serious court stuff... honestly, I think he's too lazy to go forward with any of that. For the D, I'll have to go all the leg work, for sure; which is fine.

I guess I should document ever penny I give him! And start keeping track of all that?
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post #50 of 97 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:07 PM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

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First of all; thank you!! You stated exactly how I'm seeing things. I am young, and I'm looking forward to my life, now that I've made this decision.

Secondly, I am horrified of alimony! I guess I should see a lawyer at some point, but I was hoping that paying him$500/month plus giving him the baby bonus (that's $1200ish/month) would kind of...go towards that? Will the court recognize that money? I dont know... is it stupid of me to offer that money first thing?

He doesnt seem like the type to do any serious court stuff... honestly, I think he's too lazy to go forward with any of that. For the D, I'll have to go all the leg work, for sure; which is fine.

I guess I should document ever penny I give him! And start keeping track of all that?
Why don't you ask a lawyer what you'd have to give him before you offer him anything?

It's only been a year since he's worked.....you might not owe that much.

What kind of money do you make? Do you think he'll have full custody?
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post #51 of 97 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:31 PM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

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Originally Posted by flyhigher View Post
First of all; thank you!! You stated exactly how I'm seeing things. I am young, and I'm looking forward to my life, now that I've made this decision.

Secondly, I am horrified of alimony! I guess I should see a lawyer at some point, but I was hoping that paying him$500/month plus giving him the baby bonus (that's $1200ish/month) would kind of...go towards that? Will the court recognize that money? I dont know... is it stupid of me to offer that money first thing?

He doesnt seem like the type to do any serious court stuff... honestly, I think he's too lazy to go forward with any of that. For the D, I'll have to go all the leg work, for sure; which is fine.

I guess I should document ever penny I give him! And start keeping track of all that?
I wouldn't voluntarily give anything. If you're going to have to do all the leg work, and he's not willing to put in the effort, take advantage of that to your benefit. You may be able to get him to waive alimony.

YES, it is stupid of you to offer money first thing. TALK TO A LAWYER. Figure out how to best protect yourself and your assets.

And why would you give him a baby bonus if you're likely going to bear the brunt of custody? (WTH is a baby bonus, anyway?)

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #52 of 97 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:34 PM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Oh, And I just read a bit of the other thread... use whatever profits from the house sale to pay off all that debt in your name (which is really marital debt, even if it's only in your name), and then split what's left, if anything is left over. Don't give him a single freaking penny before.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #53 of 97 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

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Why don't you ask a lawyer what you'd have to give him before you offer him anything?

It's only been a year since he's worked.....you might not owe that much.

What kind of money do you make? Do you think he'll have full custody?
I make about 70-80k/year.

He will never get full custody. I'm happy to do shared; but if he fights me, I will fight back, and I will win. If anyone gets full custody; it'll be me.

It sounds like I work a lot; but I'm usually home when my older kids are home from school. He only stays home with 1 of my kids (2 years old). I run my dad's family business; which will become mine within the next 2 years; I have a wonderful career set up, and he knows that. During our busy season, I work a bit more, but am still home by dinner time. I can always change my hours if I need too; I can also work from home, need be.
I have an awesome job that allows me that control; especially if the custody of my kids was in question.
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post #54 of 97 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:39 PM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Dont offer ANYTHING until you talk to an attorney! Many states dont even DO alimony any more. And what is a baby bonus, and why are you willing to give it up?

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #55 of 97 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Haha! Sorry; I'm in Canada. Baby bonus is money the government gives us for the kids.. a monthly payment.

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post #56 of 97 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:51 PM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Get rid of this leech before you get your family business.

He might be able to sue for some of it.

Talk to a lawyer now.
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post #57 of 97 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

I was considering giving him money to help him land on his feet... to give him the chance to find a job and secure himself in a place that's suitable for the kdis to visit. I don't want to totally screw him over; I'm not angry or seeking revenge. I just want the cleanest split I can get.
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post #58 of 97 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 03:06 PM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

I can appreciate you wanting to help him out, but you have to realize that when he realizes it's over things could get very nasty.

He will see your generosity and desire for a clean break as weakness to exploit. Happens all the time.

Find out what you'd likely have to give him, if anything, then offer a slightly better deal if he cooperates. If he decides to be an ass tell him you'll see him in court and everything is fair game.

That's what I did.....gave my ex a better deal then a court would give him and his lawyer told him to take it before I changed my mind.
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post #59 of 97 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 03:18 PM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I can appreciate you wanting to help him out, but you have to realize that when he realizes it's over things could get very nasty.

He will see your generosity and desire for a clean break as weakness to exploit. Happens all the time.

Find out what you'd likely have to give him, if anything, then offer a slightly better deal if he cooperates. If he decides to be an ass tell him you'll see him in court and everything is fair game.

That's what I did.....gave my ex a better deal then a court would give him and his lawyer told him to take it before I changed my mind.
All. Of. This.

People see generosity and kindness and they take advantage of it. People can get really mean--turn into someone you'd never recognize--when they realize that you're leaving. He could hire a ruthless pit bull attorney and try to take you for everything... or he could be completely apathetic and let you take care of everything. Prepare yourself for the first option, and hope for the latter.

The house--was it yours before you married? Paid off? If it's pre-marital property, that's yours in the divorce. I wouldn't recommend selling it to pay off debts that are marital debts and which he is also responsible for.

TALK TO A LAWYER. Before you sell the house. Before you file. Before you tell your H. Before you do ANYTHING. You have a lot at risk here, a lot that he could try to take away from you in a divorce.




TALK TO A LAWYER.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #60 of 97 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 03:19 PM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

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I dont want to be hurtful towards him. I think I'm going to cling to the "I don't see a future for us anymore" line and try not to bash him too much. He's going to ask "WHY" .. that will be hard to answer without getting into specifics. We'll see...

Thank you for the support, again.
If you are 100% decided, this is a smart approach. If you stick to statements about yourself like "I feel" and "I don't feel" and what you said above, he will be very hurt but he can't really argue it. If you start giving him concrete reasons, he will be able to debate you and promise to change. Plus if those are negative things about him that he really can't change, it's only hurtful.
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