Are you happy you left? happy you stayed? - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

User Tag List

 105Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #61 of 82 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 03:19 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,021
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by flyhigher View Post
I was considering giving him money to help him land on his feet... to give him the chance to find a job and secure himself in a place that's suitable for the kdis to visit. I don't want to totally screw him over; I'm not angry or seeking revenge. I just want the cleanest split I can get.
He's a grown-ass man. He can figure it out for himself.


~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #62 of 82 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 03:24 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 1,315
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by flyhigher View Post
I appreciate what you're saying here. I've told him over and over in last 2-3 years how unhappy I am. It often comes with false promises and a "this is just what marriage is like" attitude. I'm done asking for change.. I'm going to take charge now.

We almost separated last year, and I agreed to give it another shot. He told me he'd go into counselling, become more socially active, be a "better sport" (he's very negative and miserable in general) All of which hasn't happened. I started IC around that time, and he never went to his.. he just wants me to stop being unhappy and just accept that this is life.

I refuse to accept that this will be my life.
Good for you. It will be hard but people survive this and go on to thrive. Based on this info, I think if you don't leave you will deeply regret it. From your first post I thought everything was fine other than you just didn't feel butterflies in your stomach when he entered the room.

BTW, regarding your original question, I have stayed in a similar marriage. One difference being that now that I have learned things about marriage through websites like this, I'm much stronger and better at asking for what I want and my husband is being a much better partner and I am feeling love come back into our relationship. But while I am happy with our relationship at this moment, I deeply regret staying. I believe I could have found someone much better suited for me had I understood relationships and what my needs really were and put the effort into it. I love my husband, but I could have loved someone else too. Now I'm in my early 50's with no children and no savings because I stuck it out.

Last edited by WorkingWife; 03-16-2017 at 03:31 PM.
WorkingWife is online now  
post #63 of 82 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 01:45 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 81
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post

The house--was it yours before you married? Paid off? If it's pre-marital property, that's yours in the divorce. I wouldn't recommend selling it to pay off debts that are marital debts and which he is also responsible for.

[/SIZE]
No, we bought the house together; its under both of our names. All of our debt is from when we were married; except for our school loans.. selling the house will pay off all of our debt, expect for those loans; which is awesome.
Plus, we should have enough left over to each take a healthy chunk of cash away.
flyhigher is offline  
 
post #64 of 82 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 08:57 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 81
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

I'm still in a limbo place; the house will be going up for sale in a couple of weeks; I've been keeping the peace at home, which, hasn't been too difficult, seeing as my STBX is super passive aggressive, so it's not like he ever confronts me about anything. He's been sleeping on the couch, though, so I know he's ticked off. When I ask him about it, he says, "I fell asleep watching tv" ... which, is obviously a lie. We haven't been affectionate or loving in a long time.. conversations are short and to the point. However, we're still polite; we say thank you and please, and acknowledge when things get done. Other than the sleeping on the couch part, he is acting as if things are fine. It's almost like he hasn't even noticed how distance things have become. It just seems... weird.

I'm just here to vent about how weird and hard and uncomfortable this is. I so badly just want to tell him that it's over, but I have to wait for the right time. If I tell him before the house sells, he could stall the sale, and make it very difficult to move (we both equally own the home).

I finally told my mother about my plans last night, the first person I've officially told. She was sad for me, but supportive. She's going to help me out in anyway I need; so I feel some relief there. She asked me if there was anyway to save the marriage, and I told her, "If I had to stay with him, I think I would cry for days. I would be so depressed knowing there was no way out." She understood. We talked about my kids; that's going to be the worst part of it... but they're young, only 3 & 4.. so, I'm hoping they'll be able to stay connected with both of us (mom and dad) and have a somewhat normal life.

This is such a weird period of all this.. I just want this part to be over. I knew it'd be brutal to get through.. and I'm not straying at all from my decision, but, it's hard. It's really hard. I hope things gets better.. soon..

Thanks for listening and your support everyone
flyhigher is offline  
post #65 of 82 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 09:13 AM
Moderator
 
lifeistooshort's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,423
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

I think you're doing the right thing by not telling him until the house sells.

Be thankful he's on the couch and not bothering you. That should actually tell you how much he values the relationship with you.

He probably values the marriage because you're his meal ticket, so be prepared for begging and pleading when he realizes he's going to lose it.

He's comfortable throwing a tantrum on the couch because he doesn't think you're going anywhere.

You'll be much happier without him.
lifeistooshort is offline  
post #66 of 82 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 12:20 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,021
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I think you're doing the right thing by not telling him until the house sells.

Be thankful he's on the couch and not bothering you. That should actually tell you how much he values the relationship with you.

He probably values the marriage because you're his meal ticket, so be prepared for begging and pleading when he realizes he's going to lose it.

He's comfortable throwing a tantrum on the couch because he doesn't think you're going anywhere.

You'll be much happier without him.
This ^^^.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is offline  
post #67 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 11:30 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 77
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
This ^^^.
Agreed Again!

I have also stayed in a marriage that I shouldn't have. I'm still here now because of financial reasons. My husband is six years older than me, and while I know he loves me and adores me (it's like he put me on the pedestal and forgot about me), there is such a lack of communication, quality communication, respect, (lets not forget NO sex). I regret not getting out years ago when I wanted to, and I hate myself for being able to be sucked back with empty promises...for wishing and hoping things will change. They don't. They just seem to get worse.

It is awkward and weird for you right now because you have made your decision and you know what you are going to do....and he doesn't. If you think he may get really mad when you tell him, maybe you could have a friend there when you do tell him, preferably male...perhaps your Dad or an uncle or cousin? That will maybe lessen his chances of trying to change your mind about it, and flying off the handle in anger.
Lukedog is offline  
post #68 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:31 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 81
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Last night was pretty uncomfortable.

The house goes up for sale in a week; nd my realtor is sure it will be sold by the time the weekend is over; so things are moving forward.

Last night, though, STBX started asking why I've been so distant; he said, "it's like you've been mad at me since we had that bank meeting; I don't know what I did wrong. What did I do wrong?" I didn't say too much, I just nodded and acknowledged what he was saying. I didn't deny that there's been tension or a lack of communication, I jsut nodded. I was a bit surprised, and didn't want to say the wrong thing. We were just about to sit down for dinner, the kids were in th same room; I didn't want to get into it at that particular moment, so I jsut said, "Maybe let's not talk about this RIGHT now" and he replied, "I just miss you, that's all" .. I looked down and kind of slowly walked out of the room when his attention was to our daughter. I didn't talk about it again all night, but he was teary all through dinner.

I know I need to tell him soon; a part of me thinks, 'man, he's GOT to see it coming!!' But this morning, he was calling me sweetheart and stuff; even though he slept on the couch last night.

I wanted to wait until the house sells, but maybe I'll have to tell him before than. When he comes at me with things like, "What did I do wrong?" How do I respond? When I actually say something I don't like, he retaliates with false promises to change, and excuses, or will turn it around to be my fault. OR he cries, and starts talking about how stupid he is.

I'm getting scared, but I haven't changed my mind.

When he asked me what he had done wrong, I was able to dodge the question.. but I won't be able to when i actually tell him I'm moving on. What can I say that keeps my point strong, but doesn't personally attack him, either... any suggestions?
flyhigher is offline  
post #69 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:40 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 984
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

flyhigher... time to tell him. Be gentle and firm. He knows it's coming but is scared. Explain the split of assets, parenting time, etc. Talk him into using one attorney and having a 100% amicable divorce. If it isn't amicable, it's going to cost you both $$$.

You need to let everyone around you know. Once friends, family, and co-workers know, you'll feel free. 50% of them have been in your shoes and will know exactly what you're feeling. My co-workers that have been through divorce were the best.

When I separated, I just packed up my bags and left after a huge fight. I was lucky and had a furnished/rent free house provided by work to stay in for as long as I needed (still in it 16 months later). In following weeks, I'd meet her at Starbucks to talk about the kids, divorce stuff, and let the attorneys handle the rest.

Time is on your side. Time will fly. In 6 months from the split, you'll be so much happier. I'm 16 months out from separation and 11 months from divorce... finally buying a home with the woman of my dreams. I had young kids too (3/5) and they have adapted great. One will be 5 next month and the other 7 in September. I won't lie, I'm counting down the days until they are 16 and can drive whenever they want to either house. It's very hard keeping up with the parenting schedule and taking time off work when they are sick or school is off (I have a demanding job). But so far it's working and life is great once again.

Last edited by GuyInColorado; 04-12-2017 at 09:44 AM.
GuyInColorado is online now  
post #70 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:51 AM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,021
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

I would recommend telling him the truth. That you've been communicating to him for years now the problems in your relationship, and instead of being a partner and working towards viable solutions, he retaliates with false promises to change (but never actually changes), excuses (instead of taking ownership of his contribution to the problem), and/or blameshifting (which is a form of emotional manipulation and abuse), and that you have reached your limit and that you are done.

He does see this coming; it's why he's acting like this. He's grasping at straws at this point.

You need to tell him soon. This isn't fair to either of you.


~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is offline  
post #71 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 01:32 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 81
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Yeah. thank you.. I know you're both right. UGH. this is SO hard... but, i've gotta rip off the band aid.

Thank you! I hope my words flow nicely with him, he's so sensitive.
Tonight, I'll tell him once kids are in bed. <3 pray for me!! ha!
flyhigher is offline  
post #72 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 01:52 PM
Member
 
ResignedWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 63
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
You need to let everyone around you know. Once friends, family, and co-workers know, you'll feel free. 50% of them have been in your shoes and will know exactly what you're feeling. My co-workers that have been through divorce were the best.
I agree with this. Back in January when my husband and I finally decided to separate, I had two friends at work who were invaluable. One was a divorced woman, and the other was a child of divorce. Talking when them allowed me to have two perspectives on what might happen going forward, and they are great about letting me bounce my thoughts off them as well. There is DEFINITELY freedom in having someone you can talk to about what you are going through.

Married 20 years, currently working with husband to separate in 2018
Mom to two young teens
ResignedWife is offline  
post #73 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:22 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southeast
Posts: 4,287
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

While it's definitely a very hard conversation to have, it feels much better emotionally when it's out there.

He knows something's wrong so it's time to completely get on the same page. He's probably going to take it badly and cry a lot and beg you to reconsider and promise he'll change (my husband did) but don't let it get to you (I did let it get to me the first time but not the second time because nothing did change in the decades between the first time and the second time).
Openminded is offline  
post #74 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:29 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 194
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

happiness comes from with in.

I hope you find it.
chillymorn69 is online now  
post #75 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:59 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 81
Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by chillymorn69 View Post
happiness comes from with in.

I hope you find it.
I have found it. He hasn't.. I hope he does. <3
flyhigher is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Husband has left me. So confused about whether I can turn this around keljoy76 Going Through Divorce or Separation 9 02-21-2017 02:25 AM
Happy Holiday Tips for Blended Families VS Glen Home Page Feature News 0 12-05-2016 10:45 AM
Happy New Year, everyone! MattMatt The Social Spot 29 01-01-2016 02:43 PM
I left...then he left. Corpuswife Going Through Divorce or Separation 15 12-15-2015 12:19 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome