Are you happy you left? happy you stayed? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #76 of 97 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:56 PM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

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Yeah. thank you.. I know you're both right. UGH. this is SO hard... but, i've gotta rip off the band aid.

Thank you! I hope my words flow nicely with him, he's so sensitive.
Tonight, I'll tell him once kids are in bed. <3 pray for me!! ha!
Good luck. Be strong.


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post #77 of 97 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 09:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

I talked to him last night; he actually took things fairly well. He didn't seem surprised... he was upset, and cried a bit, asked me what he had done wrong. All in all, I'm happy with the way things went. I spoke mostly about my own feelings, and agreed to disagree with some things. He acknowledged that he is terrible with communicating, and actually apologized for not making me feel more loved in our relationship.

We finished the conversation with a lot of "I'm sorry's"and "I still care about you" but I was firm about my decision. I went for a drive afterwards, because I was uncomfortable seeing him cry. and he understood. I can tell he's very resentful and angry, but he's choosing not to express it. This morning, we were actually quite pleasant, and managed the kids okay. He slept on the couch, but I didn't mention it. Our daughter ran a high fever last night, so she's staying home from school today; we were able to handle that together easily.

He's made a couple sly comments this morning.. I can tell he's bitter; I think mostly because of the financial stuff. He's said things like, "well, you'll be living in your new house, and I'll have to rent some basement out" .. which, he's not wrong; but I don't know how to help that; we're splitting the money from the house, so he'll have a decent down payment for a house. He just needs to get some time with a job under his belt before he can get approved. He said he'd like to talk details once he's had some time to think through his own plan; i agreed that that was fair.

We have some time, as the house stuff still needs to go through. So... yeah! It's out there, at least! Which feels good.

I'm going to walk on eggshells for a couple months, but, it'll be worth it. Haha! I hope anyways!!!

Thanks for everyone's support!
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post #78 of 97 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 09:59 AM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Well I am glad you got it out there and were able to talk. Dont let yourself feel guilty over his little pity party, he is a grown man and will have to take care of his own crap. Hopefully you two can continue to be amicable.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #79 of 97 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 10:10 AM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

My only regret is I waited so long for divorce. I should have divorced him at year 5 but we worked on things. I regret giving him 10 more years of my life
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post #80 of 97 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 08:39 AM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

That's wonderful that you told him and it's all out!! Your too young to be stuck in a marriage like that.. And don't offer anything more than the lawyer suggest. Best wishes! : )
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post #81 of 97 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 09:36 AM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

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Well I am glad you got it out there and were able to talk. Dont let yourself feel guilty over his little pity party, he is a grown man and will have to take care of his own crap. Hopefully you two can continue to be amicable.
I agree with 3X. I'm glad you finally had the talk with him.

He's going to keep up this crap, trying to make you feel bad. I'm not surprised, given what you've told us of his prior behavior in the marriage. He's passive aggressive. Don't let him make you feel bad, and if he goes on a bent like this, leave the room. You don't have to listen to his guilt trips. He's going to try to make you listen, and he'll think that you SHOULD, because from his perspective, this is your fault, you're the one making the choice to end the marriage... but what he doesn't understand, and will likely never understand, that it was his behavior and inaction that pushed you to this point. Make no mistake, he blames you, and he will try to make you pay, emotionally. But he can only extract that payment from you if you willingly give it to him. Don't allow him to do that to you. You don't owe him any emotional currency.

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post #82 of 97 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 11:08 PM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

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I did make an effort to acknowledge when he attempts improvement. My H has anxiety and depression, and I am very aware of the difficulties those present. It's hard for him to make a simple phone call about something simple; say, phoning the school to tell them my daughter won't be there today. I've discussed his mental issues in IC very thoroughly, I've read books and have gained some wonderful tips on how to best support him. I think he would agree that I'm more than patient in this area. When I can see he's pushing himself to help me; I am very aware to say thank you and tell him how much I appreciate it. Unfortunately, his mental anxieties can lead to long periods of not leaving the house, not bathing, not cleaning up after himself. Those are harder to handle for me, as I'm a naturally social person.
...
In the earlier years of our marriage, we would spend a lot of time taking longs walks, or drives, and discussing life. We talks a lot about dreams and futures. He opened up to me about his anxieties and depression, and I opened up about my childhood and parents. We got deep and I felt connected to him. Now, when I try to bring things like that up, he blocks me with, "I'm fine." "I don't want to talk about it." or "I just want to game (video games) a little bit, and than we'll talk" and than he'll go to bed before we can chat. When I make a point of having a conversation, and make him sit down to talk... I get eye rolls and sighs and the conversation feels forced and unnatural and cheap. It's not connection. I've mentioned this struggle before, and he said, "What do you mean, we're connecting right now!!" He simply doesn't understand what I mean.
...
I also appreciate this, because this WAS me at one point. I wanted him to read my mind, and know me so well that I didn't have to explain too much. I know different now. My IC has helped me with this and I am very clear with my H, beacuse I know he cannot read my mind.
I've asked for more sex. He says, "yeah, we should get on that" .. and than nothing changes. I've asked for connection and date nights, he always makes it seem like a hassel; I've even said, "When you sigh and roll you're eyes, it makes me feel like a date night with me is a hassel." He'll respond, "Sorry. It's not" .. most of the time, I feel like I'm dragging him around because he doesnt actually WANT to do anything.. which sucks, because I love doing things.

When he and I met, he made himself seem way more social than he is. I only started to see the truth of his anxieties and depression once I was already pregnant. There is a part of me that feels "tricked"... he told me he had lots of friends, and partied (this was in college), loved to travel and do new things. All of this... is not at all true. He also told me he wasn't a virgin; something I straight up asked him. I found out 4 years after being together, that he was. That hurt me; but he said he was embarrassed and didn't want to admit it. I could understand that. We have sex about 1 or 2 a month.. he will not discuss our sex life with me. I've tried, trust me. He shuts right down. It's frustrating.
On the "being tricked" thing. I sound a lot like your H, I suffer from anxiety and depression and it's a constant battle. However, I am responsible for my own mental health, and while my wife understands what I go through, I have to make sure my mental issues have a minimal impact on the household. Again, it's something I struggle with every day.

I had lots of friends in college and partied and was social. I think it was easier in those days. As you get older and the anxiety becomes more pronounced, it is VERY easy to start walling yourself off from experiences that you believe could be triggers for your anxiety in particular - if you had a panic attack while at a concert, you might be less inclined to go to a concert. If you know your area of comfort is home, you might just want to chill out more and stay home instead of going out. It's easier. Sometimes making an effort to be social seems near impossible. I relate to having issues with phone conversations. It's pure agony for me sometimes.

I think the "tricked" thing isn't so much he tricked you, it's that he fell for you, and at some point you either have to make this HERCULEAN effort to get out there and push yourself and do things, or you're going to spend the rest of your life alone. When you're in the throes of love, you think you can sustain that effort - that perhaps you've just been waiting for a love like this to pull you out of whatever depths you normally live in. But then when the day-to-day of a relationship appears, it becomes impossible to keep that up, even if you have every intention of doing it.

This is not to excuse his behavior - you have to make an effort to have basic hygiene, and sometimes taking a shower and getting a haircut and shaving will lift your mood as well and make you feel more "competent" and less depressed. But I can tell you that if you have fallen out of love with him and regard him as a "friend" and maybe even a good parent, the effort you would expect from him in order for you to fall back in love is possibly not something he would ever be able to provide or sustain.

My wife cheated on me with her best friend (a woman) a few years ago, which led me here. Subsequent to that I discovered that I'm also asexual (which I never knew was a thing until a couple years ago, but it explained so much). So we have a complicated relationship where we're raising a young special needs child. She has learned a lot about me over the last two years from learning about him. She said it has given her a new appreciation into my struggles.

Bottom line - I can't tell you what to do, but I do think if you can handle co-parenting and sharing visitation, that you should move on. It would only be fair to him and to you. I think you've been more than understanding, and it sounds like he's not willing to push himself any more than he already has. He's going to wake up one day and realize he needs to make some changes, or his life will be miserable and he will wall himself off from life more and more. That's the only thing that will change him - when he's miserable enough to seek help. He's comfortable with you. He needs to be uncomfortable. For you to be with him when he finds that discomfort will not be a good thing necessarily, and you will probably turn into a person who he feels is nagging him.

Good luck.
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post #83 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 12:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Hi there,
I just thought I would give a bit of an update. Our house has sold and we're moving the first week of June; so it's coming up very fast. We're still living in the same house right now, and getting along okay. We are 100% broken up, and he only offers little guilt jabs here and there.. he's been sleeping on the couch, which I didn't force him to do; but I also don't mind. He was having a hard time accepting things.. especially when I put an offer on a new house. He wanted to come with me, and help me pick it out; he kept sendning me links online to houses and started talking about when we could go look at them. I had to be a bit harsh and remind him that this is my house this time.. not his.. and I will be picking it out, and buying it on my own. That wasn't easy to do.. he cried and was very emotional. But he heard me, and backed right off. The next day, I put an offer on my own place; my realtor was fantastic in reminding me that I'm not an awful person for following my heart. My offer was accepted that night, and all is set up. I move June 9th. I have never been so excited to move! It's beautiful home and I can just picture me and my kids there for years and years!

My STBX still doesnt have much of a plan together... every time I ask, he says, "I'll figure it out".. So I'm still unsure about that. He's been talking about packing and renting a truck... I have a feeling that he is just planning to come with me? Im still not sure how to navigate that. The house has a couple extra bedrooms in the basement, and technically he COULD stay there... for a bit... maybe until he gets a job?? But than.. sigh.. what if he doesnt get a job?! I'm still trying to figure out how to manage that. H'es definitely playing victim; he's not trying to fix the relationship or beg for me to stay (which is good), but he's not being productive about his future. He has a "i can't believe this is happening to me" attitude. I guess I get it... but I feel like, if the tables were turned, I'd be making a lot of plans right now to get on my feet!! I guess that's just how we defer though. He is refusing to talk about anything and I can tell he's holding back a lot of anger and pain; but.. I dont consider myself in a position to pressure him to communicate... so I don't press him. I tried pressing for years and I've learned it doesnt work.. that's why I'm leaving. So.. he's dwelling in a lot of tough feelings; not talking to anyone about it.. Sometimes I feel awful; sometimes I feel excited to get away from those negative vibes!!

We haven't told the kids yet. I know it needs to happen soon... I'm not sure how to do it; they are so young (6, 4 & 3) ... how much will they really understand? My daughter has noticed daddy sleeping on the couch.. but hasn't asked why or anything. She just said it more like an observation, "Daddy sleeps on the couch now" and that was that. The other two, haven't said a thing.

The other piece is our families... my parents and close friends know exactly what's going on. They are being supportive, even though they all really like STBX. They've always had a good relationship... they are more in the mindset of, "what a sad story" .. they like him, but understand why I'm leaving. My STBX is really embarrassed about the whole thing.. so he keeps asking me not to tell anyone yet. So, I've told my parents to pretend they dont know yet. I dont know why I'm going a long with this little game.. its weird, but I guess I just feel badly, so I'm trying to do what I can to make the transition easier for him. His mom doesn't know... he doesnt want to tell her; tbh, I don't want to either! She will flood both our emails with, "how could this be? what are you thinking?" .. she will come down really hard on him, and beg me to keep trying. She's a weird lady. So.. she doesn't know either...

We communicate about the kids nicely, and hang out as a family.. but there's no intimacy, no touching, nothing at all like that. very friend-ish... roommates... At this point, there's NO WAY I could go back to being romantic with him. no way! But, I can see us co-parenting nicely down the road.. which is comforting.

Anyway.. that's where we are now. I'm grabbing boxes this week and starting to pack things up; I'm sure that will bring a whole new mess of emotions.
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post #84 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 12:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

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He's comfortable with you. He needs to be uncomfortable.

Good luck.
Thank you for this post!! The whole post was touching... but this line hit home to me. You're so right. I hope one day, he can see the deep love behind my actions... I'll always care about him, but I need to walk away from the relationship before me and my kids go down with him.
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post #85 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 01:03 PM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Whatever you do, do not let him stay with you.

You will never get rid of him.

He's a grown man and will have to figure it out when you stop enabling him.

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post #86 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 01:07 PM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

There's nothing wrong with saying firmly that he's not coming with you and it's his responsibility to figure out his own solution.

Then leave him alone to go figure himself out or not.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #87 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 01:16 PM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

For the love of GOD, DO NOT let him come with you! He will NEVER EVER LEAVE! Ask him if he has his plans ironed out, while reminding him that he IS NOT coming with you! He is a grown adult, and needs to take responsibility for himself! Asking him is a reminder that it needs to be done only, not that you are there to help out in any way... you cannot do that, he needs to do this himself.

And by the way, big CONGRATS on your house!!

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #88 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 03:40 PM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

He's asked you not to tell anyone and he's not making any clear plans because he's still hoping that you'll change your mind. He will leave it until the last minute and then ask if he can stay with you, playing that he's been trying but hasn't found anything yet.

I would tell him that the Marriott Residence has excellent weekly rates and their suites are very nice.

Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, let him stay with you. You will never get rid of him.

I know you're trying to be nice to him, but don't let his behavior control you or others. He's manipulating you. Tell him that you've told your family and your close friends, that they all know, and you're not going to pretend any longer. This will send a very clear message to him that you are not going to change your mind and that he needs to get his **** in order.

And you guys need to plan to tell the kids. It's not far away. Are you planning on telling them once you get to the new house? That might be best...

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post #89 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 12:03 AM
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Tough questions. I have also been reflecting on similar questions.

1) It's easier to change your attitude than your behavior. If someone gets divorced they are probably not going to regret it. The mind likes to keep the attitude and behavior together. Once the deed is done then likely they will feel good about it.

2) It's not a spouses job to fullfil you or make you happy. That is your job not some idealistic romance.

3) I do wonder if your expectations are realistic. Seems like men who are exciting and romantic tend to have commitment problems or can be narssistic.

4) Do you feel you could explain your reasons to your child someday when they are an adult and think it will make sense to them?

That being said my own marriage is crumbling because my H can't seem to be happy with anything so he wondered off to OW. This is the second time now so what do I know?
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post #90 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 10:50 AM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

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T
That being said my own marriage is crumbling because my H can't seem to be happy with anything so he wondered off to OW. This is the second time now so what do I know?
You divorce his cheating ass. Thats what you do.

Also just because in this case the OP's husband didnt cheat, doesnt mean she doesnt have valid reasons for ending the marriage. She has perfectly valid, realistic expectations.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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