Are you happy you left? happy you stayed? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #76 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:56 PM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

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Yeah. thank you.. I know you're both right. UGH. this is SO hard... but, i've gotta rip off the band aid.

Thank you! I hope my words flow nicely with him, he's so sensitive.
Tonight, I'll tell him once kids are in bed. <3 pray for me!! ha!
Good luck. Be strong.


~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #77 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 09:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

I talked to him last night; he actually took things fairly well. He didn't seem surprised... he was upset, and cried a bit, asked me what he had done wrong. All in all, I'm happy with the way things went. I spoke mostly about my own feelings, and agreed to disagree with some things. He acknowledged that he is terrible with communicating, and actually apologized for not making me feel more loved in our relationship.

We finished the conversation with a lot of "I'm sorry's"and "I still care about you" but I was firm about my decision. I went for a drive afterwards, because I was uncomfortable seeing him cry. and he understood. I can tell he's very resentful and angry, but he's choosing not to express it. This morning, we were actually quite pleasant, and managed the kids okay. He slept on the couch, but I didn't mention it. Our daughter ran a high fever last night, so she's staying home from school today; we were able to handle that together easily.

He's made a couple sly comments this morning.. I can tell he's bitter; I think mostly because of the financial stuff. He's said things like, "well, you'll be living in your new house, and I'll have to rent some basement out" .. which, he's not wrong; but I don't know how to help that; we're splitting the money from the house, so he'll have a decent down payment for a house. He just needs to get some time with a job under his belt before he can get approved. He said he'd like to talk details once he's had some time to think through his own plan; i agreed that that was fair.

We have some time, as the house stuff still needs to go through. So... yeah! It's out there, at least! Which feels good.

I'm going to walk on eggshells for a couple months, but, it'll be worth it. Haha! I hope anyways!!!

Thanks for everyone's support!
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post #78 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 09:59 AM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

Well I am glad you got it out there and were able to talk. Dont let yourself feel guilty over his little pity party, he is a grown man and will have to take care of his own crap. Hopefully you two can continue to be amicable.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #79 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 10:10 AM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

My only regret is I waited so long for divorce. I should have divorced him at year 5 but we worked on things. I regret giving him 10 more years of my life
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post #80 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 08:39 AM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

That's wonderful that you told him and it's all out!! Your too young to be stuck in a marriage like that.. And don't offer anything more than the lawyer suggest. Best wishes! : )
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post #81 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 09:36 AM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

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Well I am glad you got it out there and were able to talk. Dont let yourself feel guilty over his little pity party, he is a grown man and will have to take care of his own crap. Hopefully you two can continue to be amicable.
I agree with 3X. I'm glad you finally had the talk with him.

He's going to keep up this crap, trying to make you feel bad. I'm not surprised, given what you've told us of his prior behavior in the marriage. He's passive aggressive. Don't let him make you feel bad, and if he goes on a bent like this, leave the room. You don't have to listen to his guilt trips. He's going to try to make you listen, and he'll think that you SHOULD, because from his perspective, this is your fault, you're the one making the choice to end the marriage... but what he doesn't understand, and will likely never understand, that it was his behavior and inaction that pushed you to this point. Make no mistake, he blames you, and he will try to make you pay, emotionally. But he can only extract that payment from you if you willingly give it to him. Don't allow him to do that to you. You don't owe him any emotional currency.

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post #82 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 11:08 PM
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Re: Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

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I did make an effort to acknowledge when he attempts improvement. My H has anxiety and depression, and I am very aware of the difficulties those present. It's hard for him to make a simple phone call about something simple; say, phoning the school to tell them my daughter won't be there today. I've discussed his mental issues in IC very thoroughly, I've read books and have gained some wonderful tips on how to best support him. I think he would agree that I'm more than patient in this area. When I can see he's pushing himself to help me; I am very aware to say thank you and tell him how much I appreciate it. Unfortunately, his mental anxieties can lead to long periods of not leaving the house, not bathing, not cleaning up after himself. Those are harder to handle for me, as I'm a naturally social person.
...
In the earlier years of our marriage, we would spend a lot of time taking longs walks, or drives, and discussing life. We talks a lot about dreams and futures. He opened up to me about his anxieties and depression, and I opened up about my childhood and parents. We got deep and I felt connected to him. Now, when I try to bring things like that up, he blocks me with, "I'm fine." "I don't want to talk about it." or "I just want to game (video games) a little bit, and than we'll talk" and than he'll go to bed before we can chat. When I make a point of having a conversation, and make him sit down to talk... I get eye rolls and sighs and the conversation feels forced and unnatural and cheap. It's not connection. I've mentioned this struggle before, and he said, "What do you mean, we're connecting right now!!" He simply doesn't understand what I mean.
...
I also appreciate this, because this WAS me at one point. I wanted him to read my mind, and know me so well that I didn't have to explain too much. I know different now. My IC has helped me with this and I am very clear with my H, beacuse I know he cannot read my mind.
I've asked for more sex. He says, "yeah, we should get on that" .. and than nothing changes. I've asked for connection and date nights, he always makes it seem like a hassel; I've even said, "When you sigh and roll you're eyes, it makes me feel like a date night with me is a hassel." He'll respond, "Sorry. It's not" .. most of the time, I feel like I'm dragging him around because he doesnt actually WANT to do anything.. which sucks, because I love doing things.

When he and I met, he made himself seem way more social than he is. I only started to see the truth of his anxieties and depression once I was already pregnant. There is a part of me that feels "tricked"... he told me he had lots of friends, and partied (this was in college), loved to travel and do new things. All of this... is not at all true. He also told me he wasn't a virgin; something I straight up asked him. I found out 4 years after being together, that he was. That hurt me; but he said he was embarrassed and didn't want to admit it. I could understand that. We have sex about 1 or 2 a month.. he will not discuss our sex life with me. I've tried, trust me. He shuts right down. It's frustrating.
On the "being tricked" thing. I sound a lot like your H, I suffer from anxiety and depression and it's a constant battle. However, I am responsible for my own mental health, and while my wife understands what I go through, I have to make sure my mental issues have a minimal impact on the household. Again, it's something I struggle with every day.

I had lots of friends in college and partied and was social. I think it was easier in those days. As you get older and the anxiety becomes more pronounced, it is VERY easy to start walling yourself off from experiences that you believe could be triggers for your anxiety in particular - if you had a panic attack while at a concert, you might be less inclined to go to a concert. If you know your area of comfort is home, you might just want to chill out more and stay home instead of going out. It's easier. Sometimes making an effort to be social seems near impossible. I relate to having issues with phone conversations. It's pure agony for me sometimes.

I think the "tricked" thing isn't so much he tricked you, it's that he fell for you, and at some point you either have to make this HERCULEAN effort to get out there and push yourself and do things, or you're going to spend the rest of your life alone. When you're in the throes of love, you think you can sustain that effort - that perhaps you've just been waiting for a love like this to pull you out of whatever depths you normally live in. But then when the day-to-day of a relationship appears, it becomes impossible to keep that up, even if you have every intention of doing it.

This is not to excuse his behavior - you have to make an effort to have basic hygiene, and sometimes taking a shower and getting a haircut and shaving will lift your mood as well and make you feel more "competent" and less depressed. But I can tell you that if you have fallen out of love with him and regard him as a "friend" and maybe even a good parent, the effort you would expect from him in order for you to fall back in love is possibly not something he would ever be able to provide or sustain.

My wife cheated on me with her best friend (a woman) a few years ago, which led me here. Subsequent to that I discovered that I'm also asexual (which I never knew was a thing until a couple years ago, but it explained so much). So we have a complicated relationship where we're raising a young special needs child. She has learned a lot about me over the last two years from learning about him. She said it has given her a new appreciation into my struggles.

Bottom line - I can't tell you what to do, but I do think if you can handle co-parenting and sharing visitation, that you should move on. It would only be fair to him and to you. I think you've been more than understanding, and it sounds like he's not willing to push himself any more than he already has. He's going to wake up one day and realize he needs to make some changes, or his life will be miserable and he will wall himself off from life more and more. That's the only thing that will change him - when he's miserable enough to seek help. He's comfortable with you. He needs to be uncomfortable. For you to be with him when he finds that discomfort will not be a good thing necessarily, and you will probably turn into a person who he feels is nagging him.

Good luck.
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