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Are you happy you left? happy you stayed?

15K views 96 replies 33 participants last post by  4mywife 
#1 ·
I read a lot of posts about women who fell out of love with their husbands; or their husbands fell out of love with their wives. It seems there is always inner conflict on "should I leave, or should I stay?"

I'd like to ask the question... for those of you who left; were you happy with that choice? Did you ever regret it?

For those that stayed... are you glad you stuck it out? Was the pain worth the regained love? Or do you wish you would have left a long time ago?

Just curious; I wish I had a more experienced married friend to seek advice and experience from in my life; but all my friends are young(like me; 27) and/or not married yet. I was one of the first to be married, and often wish I could get advice from an older married woman.

I wonder if my expectations for marriage are unreal? Is it even realistic to feel in love with your husband.. am I romanticizing marriage? Am I seeking greener grass, when really, this is as green as it gets. I expect hard times, and I know that not everything is flowers and butterflies; I'm not expecting perfection from relationships... but the dead-love feeling is real in my marriage.. and I can't help but be disappointed. (together 6 years; 2 kids)

I'm craving more from marriage; from love; from life.... but, maybe I"m just expecting too much and dreaming of fairy tales that don't exist.

I guess I want to know... is it NORMAL to feel out of love with your husband? To view him as a friend.. a parenting partner.. a convenience? He claims that he's so in love with me still; and I can see how he tries to show it. I've looked into a lot of things to help out; the 5 love languages was a big one. We speak love VERY differently, and the things he does for me, are not my love language. I miss connection. I miss conversation. I miss heart-to-hearts, and soul searching. I miss intimacy that lasts longer than the sex does. I miss WANTING him. I miss being wanted. I miss the love.

It's occurred to me that I'm just expecting too much. Any thoughts here?
 
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#3 · (Edited)
I had that inner conflict for years in my first marriage. It was largely sexless, and increasingly lacking in any affection or respect.

When I finally realized that there was no way to fix it (after many attempts), I understood through therapy that the majority of the problem was her, and not me. So, I left.

Anyway, leaving was one of the best decisions of my life. It was like a huge, crushing weight lifted off of me. Sure, things were difficult in the transition, but oh, so worth it! Eventually, I found my current wife, who is everything I was wanted and needed in a healthy relationship. Absolutely no regrets - other than a long-ago regret that I hadn't left that marriage a lot sooner.
 
#4 ·
I had that inner conflict for years in my first marriage. It was largely sexless, and increasingly lacking in any affection or respect.

When I finally realized that there was no way to fix it (after many attempts), I understood through therapy that the majority of the problem was her, and not me. So, I left.

Anyway, leaving was one of the best decisions of my life. It was like a huge, crushing weight lifted off of me. Sure, things were difficult in the transition, but oh, so worth it! Eventually, I found my current wife, which is everything I was wanted and needed in a healthy relationship. Absolutely no regrets - other than a long-ago regret that I hadn't left that marriage a lot sooner.
I could have written this myself, if the genders were switched around.

I am SO HAPPY that I left. My XH was emotionally abusive, and I thank god every day that I was able to escape from that... and I definitely owe a big thanks to TAM and my therapist for helping me to see that. I have repeated often, it was the most difficult thing I have every had to endure, but ultimately it was the best thing to ever happen to me.

I haven't re-married, but it is something which I hope lies somewhere in my future--as long as I can have a healthy relationship with an emotionally healthy partner. If I can't find that, then I am happy to stay single.
 
#5 ·
I think it all depends on the circumstances. It's easy to say your happy with leaving if your spouse was overtly flawed, like he abused you, cheated on you etc. it's also easy to say your glad you left if you found someone else who is much better and your more compatible with.

The problems of course are like you said... are you expecting too much? Is this a normal marriage or is there something fundamentally wrong. Am I unhappy or is HE making me unhappy, or is the marriage making me unhappy. There is the chance you leave and find someone else and you find yourself in the same situation 10 years later. It's a very difficult situation and decision especially when there isn't anything OBVIOUSLY wrong like abuse/cheating.

I've noticed that with my friends who got married fast and started families quickly that they come to this place that they are still young, but have a life of an older adult. It's almost like a mid life crisis because you hit so many milestones in such a short time while your so young you think... is this it?

Sorry that wasn't much help. You have a lot of soul searching to do. Maybe your just bored and need a little lifestyle change or something to get you motivated and excited about life again.
Divorce is hard especially with kids. Can you imagine splitting holidays and child sharing. That will be your life for a long time.
 
#6 ·
Like Running Mom, I also could've written your post, as I'm going through these exact feelings right now, and it's the reason I'm seeing a therapist. I was recommended to read the book, "Feeling Good Together" by David D. Burns, MD. I'm part way through it, and it's a decent read. Also, I don't think you're expecting too much at all.
 
#43 ·
I don't think that you're expecting too much. However, be sure that you spouse knows how unhappy you are.
This ^^^. It's very common for the wife to feel unhappy and out of love because she is being neglected. However, the husband doesn't "get it" until she leaves. Then he is totally blind sided.

I would read the book His Needs Her Needs and see if it speaks to you. If so, try to get your husband to read it too. I believe you can have a fulfilling marriage but it requires effort from both sides, and that commonly slips especially after children are born.

https://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her-Building-Affair-Proof/dp/0800744233
 
#9 ·
Here are a few quick things to think about:

1 - The grass is always greener where you water it.

2 - Marriage / love levels don't stay constant. They come and go in waves... up and down. It's those down waves that weaken the marriage and can result in cheating or breaking up.

3 - Have you discussed this with your husband. US GUYS are dense. Women feel neglected because US GUYS just tend do to that. Both of you take each other for granted. So with that in mind, when you put the kids to bed - tell your husband to come to bedroom to talk. If he's busy playing video games... tell him its serious and time to talk. "I'm not happy" = nothing to us guys. Yeah, that's life - I'm not happy either some of the time... kids, bills, work, car problems, etc. But saying "We need to talk now, before things get bad and we lose our marriage" should grab his attention.

Watch this video... and then show it to him:

 
#11 ·
Here are a few quick things to think about:

1 - The grass is always greener where you water it.

2 - Marriage / love levels don't stay constant. They come and go in waves... up and down. It's those down waves that weaken the marriage and can result in cheating or breaking up.

3 - Have you discussed this with your husband. US GUYS are dense. Women feel neglected because US GUYS just tend do to that. Both of you take each other for granted. So with that in mind, when you put the kids to bed - tell your husband to come to bedroom to talk. If he's busy playing video games... tell him its serious and time to talk. "I'm not happy" = nothing to us guys. Yeah, that's life - I'm not happy either some of the time... kids, bills, work, car problems, etc. But saying "We need to talk now, before things get bad and we lose our marriage" should grab his attention.

W

I feel like I say, "We have to talk now, before things get bad and we lose our marriage" every 6 months. We have a hard time staying consistent... patterns always, always return. Things get better after "the talk", than he gets lazy and stops being attentive, I try to get his attention back; it doesnt work so I get offended and pull it back, he doesn't notice the pull back, and gets even further into his own world, I start doing my own thing.. and he's okay with it.. I end up realizing, hey, we're back to being disconnected and bitter... and I end up saying, again, "We have to talk now."
Honestly.. that pattern, has been our entire marriage.
 
#12 ·
Sooo many people go through the exact pattern you described. Its hard when one person thinks things are "good enough" because in the long run, they are not willing to make the changes needed by the unhappy partner. They just dont see the need. It seems like some people believe that all you have to do is get married, and no further effort is needed once that is done.

I ended two marriages, and have never had a single moment's regret about either one.

When your H DID make attempts at improvement, did you make sure to acknowledge those attempts?
 
#29 ·
I did make an effort to acknowledge when he attempts improvement. My H has anxiety and depression, and I am very aware of the difficulties those present. It's hard for him to make a simple phone call about something simple; say, phoning the school to tell them my daughter won't be there today. I've discussed his mental issues in IC very thoroughly, I've read books and have gained some wonderful tips on how to best support him. I think he would agree that I'm more than patient in this area. When I can see he's pushing himself to help me; I am very aware to say thank you and tell him how much I appreciate it. Unfortunately, his mental anxieties can lead to long periods of not leaving the house, not bathing, not cleaning up after himself. Those are harder to handle for me, as I'm a naturally social person.

Do the both of you work full-time?

What's your debt-to-income ratio like?
I work full time. H stays home with out 2year old. He cooks and "cleans" lol. I do my very very best to over look the mess that I really think SHOULDN'T be there with one parent staying home.. but when/if I say anything, he takes things to heart and gets offended easily and is very sensitive. I've started saying things like, "What is a better way for me to phrase that?" when he gets offended if I ask him to clean up the kitchen today... things like that. But he'l just say, "Its not that bad!" ... but it definitely is that bad. Haha.
We are pretty broke right now. It's not looking good.. we may have to down size. He just started mentioning getting a part time job to help out. I'm not too excited though.. him saying is a lot different to him doing.

I'm not really sure how everyone can so quickly answer that the OP isn't "expecting too much" when none of us even know what her expectations are. Yes, she says what she wants but not how it is conveyed.

There is a great many people out there that do have a romanticised idea about what marriage is and when they find out it isn't a romance novel they think there marriage is broken and needs to be abandoned or fixed. When our head is buried in a romance novel its pretty easy to lose sight of the fact that it can't all be roses and love ballads. There are bills to pay and long work days to be worked, kids to be cared for and houses to cleaned, commitments to be met and a reality of everyday life getting in the way.

There are so many women out there that absolutely hate when their spouses look at porn because it sets up unrealistic expectations, I for one have the some view on romance novels because they do the same thing. 50 shades of grey was a titillating tale of sex and love, but that's only because the main character was rich, otherwise he was just a creepy reprobate freak.

I'm not saying that marriage should be horrible or that we should just settle for being unhappy, only that we need to understand what that happiness looks like and how it is achieved. There is a lot of women out there that aren't happy in their marriage despite the fact that they have found somebody who treats them well and with respect, is a great father, a good provider and a faithful giving lover. Still their not happy because it isn't what they thought it would be or they don't hear fireworks anymore. the reality is that eventually the fireworks go away and give way to normal everyday life and all the responsibilities that come with it.

TO the OP, only you can decide if your expectations are unrealistic because only you know what you are using as a measuring stick to see if your marriage measures up to your expectation.
I appreciate what you're saying here. I'd like to be clear that I am not expecting marriage to be romantic every day, or for the butterflies to sing me songs in the morning. I'm a very realistic person. I think what I was trying to ask was, how unhappy is enough to leave. The truth is, yes, I could stay with my husband and live a long life with him; but I will always live in a state of wonder... would I have been better off without him? Has he been pulling me down all this time? Is this really what my life has become? I dont want to look back in regret. My H and I are very different. Yes, I love him; he's a good man.. but I find myself enjoying his company less because we are growing in different directions.

What does "attentive" mean. Give us an example of when it was good and when it was bad.
In the earlier years of our marriage, we would spend a lot of time taking longs walks, or drives, and discussing life. We talks a lot about dreams and futures. He opened up to me about his anxieties and depression, and I opened up about my childhood and parents. We got deep and I felt connected to him. Now, when I try to bring things like that up, he blocks me with, "I'm fine." "I don't want to talk about it." or "I just want to game (video games) a little bit, and than we'll talk" and than he'll go to bed before we can chat. When I make a point of having a conversation, and make him sit down to talk... I get eye rolls and sighs and the conversation feels forced and unnatural and cheap. It's not connection. I've mentioned this struggle before, and he said, "What do you mean, we're connecting right now!!" He simply doesn't understand what I mean.

When women realise that men are not mind readers everyone will be happier.
If you want something done just ****in ask,don't expect us to guess.
No,we shouldn't WANT to wash dishes.
If we ask you do you want a pastry with your coffee a yes or no answer is the only one we will accept. Don't say no and then eat half of ours.
If you want more sex just ask,really,just ask.
YES it is your job to tell us what's bothering you because otherwise how the **** are we to know.
I also appreciate this, because this WAS me at one point. I wanted him to read my mind, and know me so well that I didn't have to explain too much. I know different now. My IC has helped me with this and I am very clear with my H, beacuse I know he cannot read my mind.
I've asked for more sex. He says, "yeah, we should get on that" .. and than nothing changes. I've asked for connection and date nights, he always makes it seem like a hassel; I've even said, "When you sigh and roll you're eyes, it makes me feel like a date night with me is a hassel." He'll respond, "Sorry. It's not" .. most of the time, I feel like I'm dragging him around because he doesnt actually WANT to do anything.. which sucks, because I love doing things.

When he and I met, he made himself seem way more social than he is. I only started to see the truth of his anxieties and depression once I was already pregnant. There is a part of me that feels "tricked"... he told me he had lots of friends, and partied (this was in college), loved to travel and do new things. All of this... is not at all true. He also told me he wasn't a virgin; something I straight up asked him. I found out 4 years after being together, that he was. That hurt me; but he said he was embarrassed and didn't want to admit it. I could understand that. We have sex about 1 or 2 a month.. he will not discuss our sex life with me. I've tried, trust me. He shuts right down. It's frustrating.

Honestly, I do try to communicate with my H. I haven't mentioned my thought recently because I'm trying to get a clear idea of what I want and expect before I bring it to him. Bringing it to him at this point will cause his stress and anxiety, and no good will come from it.
We were in a fragile state last year... I committed to IC, but he never attended his. We never went to MC; because I didn't feel the committment from him. He says, "Therapy doesn't work for me"

I can't come on for the rest of the night, but I'll check in in the morning for more.

Thanks again for your responses.
 
#15 ·
This is difficult because I think this is common in a lot of marriage and I think it's just the differences between men and women. Men don't need a lot to be happy. Honestly if their wife is happy they are usually happy. But women are more complicated, we require "more" to be happy. So it sets us up to look like we're always complaining, we're never happy, and nothing is ever good enough... or at least this is how it looks from our spouses.

Our spouse will never fulfill us, and will never be able to give us what we feel like we need. That's just the way it is. So appreciate what your husband is good at, and take that from him. What he sucks at... we can get that from elsewhere, like girlfriends and family and spirituality.
You are your own person, this is your life. Your husband and your marriage is just a part of who you are and what your life encompasses. So don't make him more than that, don't make him your life. You have your own goals, and you have your own specific purpose. Your spouse is there to go through life with you, not to be your life if I am making sense. Your giving him too much power.
Life is about balance. Not one thing will make you happy, but you will get a little bit of happiness through many things. Your job, your friends, family, spouse, God, goals etc.

Look into balance wheels, or life wheels or holistic health wheels or something like that lol. They help you put in perspective what our life's needs are and how to have a balanced life. And I believe when your balanced your more content and at peace with your life. Not always searching for happiness.
 
#20 ·
I agree with a lot of this. Like I posted in the other thread Marriage is not a panacea for happiness. It was never meant to be that, that is 20th century Disney happily ever after thinking. We only think this way because we in western society have been so prosperous and have so much free time and wealth we can think of it that way, but then maybe this all comes down to what is modern marriage all about. I personally wouldn't want to be married to anyone who though I was going to bring them all their happiness. That is too much for anyone to ask.

It is very unfair though to expect your spouse or even your marriage to provide all or even most of your happiness. It can't and it won't. The question is really how much does it have to provide for you to feel satisfied. But I would say if it is more then 70% you are in for a an unhappy life.
 
#16 ·
I'm not really sure how everyone can so quickly answer that the OP isn't "expecting too much" when none of us even know what her expectations are. Yes, she says what she wants but not how it is conveyed.

There is a great many people out there that do have a romanticised idea about what marriage is and when they find out it isn't a romance novel they think there marriage is broken and needs to be abandoned or fixed. When our head is buried in a romance novel its pretty easy to lose sight of the fact that it can't all be roses and love ballads. There are bills to pay and long work days to be worked, kids to be cared for and houses to cleaned, commitments to be met and a reality of everyday life getting in the way.

There are so many women out there that absolutely hate when their spouses look at porn because it sets up unrealistic expectations, I for one have the some view on romance novels because they do the same thing. 50 shades of grey was a titillating tale of sex and love, but that's only because the main character was rich, otherwise he was just a creepy reprobate freak.

I'm not saying that marriage should be horrible or that we should just settle for being unhappy, only that we need to understand what that happiness looks like and how it is achieved. There is a lot of women out there that aren't happy in their marriage despite the fact that they have found somebody who treats them well and with respect, is a great father, a good provider and a faithful giving lover. Still their not happy because it isn't what they thought it would be or they don't hear fireworks anymore. the reality is that eventually the fireworks go away and give way to normal everyday life and all the responsibilities that come with it.

TO the OP, only you can decide if your expectations are unrealistic because only you know what you are using as a measuring stick to see if your marriage measures up to your expectation.
 
#23 ·
I'm craving more from marriage; from love; from life.... but, maybe I"m just expecting too much and dreaming of fairy tales that don't exist.

I guess I want to know... is it NORMAL to feel out of love with your husband? To view him as a friend.. a parenting partner.. a convenience? He claims that he's so in love with me still; and I can see how he tries to show it. I've looked into a lot of things to help out; the 5 love languages was a big one.
In which ways do he try show his love?

We speak love VERY differently, and the things he does for me, are not my love language. I miss connection. I miss conversation. I miss heart-to-hearts, and soul searching. I miss intimacy that lasts longer than the sex does. I miss WANTING him. I miss being wanted. I miss the love.
Have you tried to explain this to him yet?

Maybe seeing a sex therapist could help improve things again.


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk
 
#33 ·
From someone who was summarily and deceptively pushed out of the door due to my RSXW's covert infidelity that I didn't have the first damned clue about, and not ever having to set eyes again on either her lawbreaking, convict, tatted, thuggish, dopehead kids ~ or her ~ well let's just say that it's almost comparable to having endless manna from heaven!
 
#35 ·
I was going to say... what others said "give examples" and sokillme already took care of my response :)

A bit snippet:
"We have sex about 1 or 2 a month.. he will not discuss our sex life with me. I've tried, trust me. He shuts right down. It's frustrating".
How old are you two?
I know people have this rather silly hangup about sex... but geez, you got some years under your belt, you have kids. Talking about sex shouldn't be a challenge.

BTW: I always recommend to people, anyone - that they should date/marry for 4~5 years before kids. It helps with bonding and you don't miss the freedom of being able to go out and "PARTY" or do anything else when you want to or need to. That's like... Want to do something, get toddler dressed. Want to go out? Need a babysitter... want to be out all night and come back the next afternoon - uh... parents/grandparents, if you have them. Want to go to Burningman for 10 days - uh...

I also agree with sokillme. Give him an ultimatum. He need to read, he needs to do... or the marriage is over. You want him to be a more active role in your marriage. Give him options.
1 - divorce, separate... he'll need to get a job.
2 - Get his act together, learn more about sex... learn how to talk. Maybe see if he is co-dependent. locate a local CODA group is there is any.
3 - Open the marriage up (which will likely result in you leaving your husband anyway). Thus, he becomes the live-in babysitter for you to go out - meet other guys and have your needs met.
Why I say bring this up? To see his reaction and to get him to do something... either he says "okay" or "uh... I don't like that idea". That may get him off is ass.

For many, open relationships work... I doubt it here. May let him know... that he needs someone else more like him or something. Too early to know, and you need to give him his final chance to do something. That you're not going to spend the rest of your life that way. Especially if you both are still in your 20s.
 
#38 ·
I was going to say... what others said "give examples" and sokillme already took care of my response :)

A bit snippet: How old are you two?
I know people have this rather silly hangup about sex... but geez, you got some years under your belt, you have kids. Talking about sex shouldn't be a challenge.

BTW: I always recommend to people, anyone - that they should date/marry for 4~5 years before kids. It helps with bonding and you don't miss the freedom of being able to go out and "PARTY" or do anything else when you want to or need to. That's like... Want to do something, get toddler dressed. Want to go out? Need a babysitter... want to be out all night and come back the next afternoon - uh... parents/grandparents, if you have them. Want to go to Burningman for 10 days - uh...

I also agree with sokillme. Give him an ultimatum. He need to read, he needs to do... or the marriage is over. You want him to be a more active role in your marriage. Give him options.
1 - divorce, separate... he'll need to get a job.
2 - Get his act together, learn more about sex... learn how to talk. Maybe see if he is co-dependent. locate a local CODA group is there is any.
3 - Open the marriage up (which will likely result in you leaving your husband anyway). Thus, he becomes the live-in babysitter for you to go out - meet other guys and have your needs met.
Why I say bring this up? To see his reaction and to get him to do something... either he says "okay" or "uh... I don't like that idea". That may get him off is ass.

For many, open relationships work... I doubt it here. May let him know... that he needs someone else more like him or something. Too early to know, and you need to give him his final chance to do something. That you're not going to spend the rest of your life that way. Especially if you both are still in your 20s.

I am 27; H is 38.

He has always had a hard time talking openly about sex. I've tried everything I know how; I've approached the subject ever so gently, I've tried DOING instead of talking... I've explained to him, "I'm your wife; we need to be able to discuss sex and intimacy on deep levels. You dont have to be embarrassed with me.. I love you and I WANT to please you." ... he usually just says, "I like things the way they are."

I've asked him about fantasies but he stays closed lipped ... if I push it enough, he says he likes Asian women; which, I'm not.. So I don't feel there's a ton I can do there. And he wont give me anything else.. I've kind of given up on that front.

To get SUPER personal... last time we almost split up; in an act of desperation, he started sexting me while I was at work. He got quite detailed and dirty, and I loved it. I ate it up and responded positively. I had made plans previously that week to have dinner with a girl friend, and we continued the flirting and dirty texting all the way through my dinner. Now BECAUSE he and I were on the verge of a break up, I didn't know how to take these, I ended up having too many glasses of wine with my friend.. But by the time I got home, I was a drunk, hot mess, and we had amazing sex! He went down on me, got dominant with me, it was incredible.

However, also because I was drunk.. I started crying after (I know, baaad lol) and explained that I was hurt because he just showed me that he CAN be that seductive, sexy man... He just WON'T... He got annoyed with me for crying; which, I get.. I kind of ruined the mood; however, I still had a point. I asked where this behaviour came from and he said, "I just wanted you to remember me in a positive light"

We were able to get things started back up between us (not just because of that sex) and than the sex went right back down again. I've tried sexting him since, and sending him pictures but he responds with, "haha" or "that sounds nice" or "nice" and I eventually stop because he just doesnt seem into it; he doesn't seem into ME. My advances aren't taken well; and honestly, at this point, I'm not that interested in being intimate with him anyway. So I dont bother.

He wants to have another baby, so he'll sleep with me once or twice a month; saying things like, "maybe your pregnant now!"... I feel like he's only sleeping with me so he can get me pregnant. It's not a super loving feeling.
 
#37 ·
You sound like you are in a similar place to my wife, she told me great dad, provider, good person etc but not in love with me anymore and doesn't miss me when I am gone and she feels like that's not how its supposed to be. We got married fast and young, long distance relationship for a year then kids as soon as we moved in together.

Have you been to MC? Maybe your husbands wants all the same things and you have a wall between you that can be pulled down and give you both what you need out of the relationship, I would have loved the chance to be closer to my wife again.
 
#40 ·
My first marriage was a mistake. We married at 18 because I was pregnant, divorced by 20. We barely even dated before marrying. I will say that we really tried, as much as teenagers in our circumstance could. Neither of us were happy, but he was much more unhappy than I was. He was a good guy, even then. If I told him to stay, he likely would have. I don't know if he would have stayed forever, but he would have stayed longer. He was willing to be unhappy to do what society made him believe was the right thing.

The aftermath of the divorce was really hard. Learning to co-parent, watching him date again (very quickly), losing time with my daughter, losing holidays with my daughter, watching him re-marry and create a new family. I stayed single for a long time.

I don't regret it at all, and I don't think I ever really have. The marriage wasn't right and we were not happy.

My second marriage... that's a whole other ballgame that is still in the works.
 
#41 ·
I have decided to leave my husband.

It's taken me a while, but I'm very strong in this decision. We haven't hugged/kissed/showed any kind of affection for over a month now. Last night, he asked if we could have sex, I tried to get out of it.. but the kids were at their grandmas house and I had no good excuse to not and so we did; I felt awful about it. Kissing him was like kissing a stranger; sex with him was empty. I took a hot, hot shower afterwards and cried.

I'm just not in love with him anymore.

My house is going up for sale in two weeks, and when we sell (which will happen fast because of where we live) I will tell him that I'm going to be getting my own place. I'm choosing to wait that long, because if I tell him before we move, he may not follow through with the sale. So for now, I'm going through the motions to get to where I need to be before breaking the news.

He's going to be distraught, but I don't think he'll be surprised. I'm going to offer to help him find an apartment or house, and split the money from the house sale with him 50/50. He can do with that as he chooses.

He hasn't worked in about a year, so I'm going to offer to pay him the monthly baby bonus plus $500/month for the first 6 months.. depending on what his rent will be in the new place. I don't know if he'll take it... but I'm going to offer it.

I am doing this so that he has a chance to continue to be in my children's lives. He's a great father, and I'm hoping for shared custody with him. I do not wish my children to grow up without their father present.
H suffers from depression and anxiety; so this is going to be THAT MUCH worse for him. If I leave him to figure it out; he will run back to his mommy, 2 hours north from me, swim in his depression, and my kids will only see him every other weekend.

He may end up doing all that anyway... I"m not sure.. it will depend how he takes it.

I'm really nervous about telling him. But I'm ready. After last night, there is no going back. Thinking about it the relationship now, I can see how it all happened; I can see where I crossed the line from caring and trying... to being done completely.

This is going to be the hardest thing I will ever have to do.
 
#42 ·
Well...congrats on coming to a decision, hurdle #1 down. If he starts trying to get you to look at houses, you may have to come out with it though. You dont want to get too far into the process. Get a plan in place while you are waiting for the house to sell otherwise. Best of luck to you and keep posting so we can offer support.
 
#44 ·
Thank you. I will keep posting.. the support here is helpful; even when I need to hear I'm being an ass or something. Ha.

No one in my life (except 1 girl friend of mine) knows about any of my plans at this point; I'm trying to keep it quiet until at least H knows.

When we sell the house, the plan was to rent for a while anyway (to build my credit back up) so I don't expect too much house hunting to happen. So far, he's been very minimally involved in the process, but I do know I may have to tell him sooner than later. I'm thinking that through right now, and preparing myself for it.

I dont want to be hurtful towards him. I think I'm going to cling to the "I don't see a future for us anymore" line and try not to bash him too much. He's going to ask "WHY" .. that will be hard to answer without getting into specifics. We'll see...

Thank you for the support, again.
 
#48 ·
Hon, you're 27 years old. You have an 11 years older husband who doesn't work, barely has sex with you and is miserable most of the time.

What's in this for you? The answer is nothing. You have your whole life ahead of you.

He will beg and promise changes but also remember that you're his meal ticket. Without you he HAS to get a job, but if he can throw you enough crumbs to stick around he can continue to have you support him. He gets everything he needs while you get very little.

You don't have to dance around your reasons.....tell him you're done with this marriage.

If he promises to do better tell him it's over, you don't love him and that's it. He knows you're unhappy, he just may not know it's bad enough for you to dump him. But what does that say? Only that your happiness doesn't much matter as long as you're not going anywhere.

All you're ever going to get from this guy are enough crumbs to get you to stick around. Kind of like the person who does just enough at work to avoid getting fired.

And besides, the longer you let this go on the more you'll owe him in alimony when you finally do divorce.
 
#49 ·
And besides, the longer you let this go on the more you'll owe him in alimony when you finally do divorce.
First of all; thank you!! You stated exactly how I'm seeing things. I am young, and I'm looking forward to my life, now that I've made this decision.

Secondly, I am horrified of alimony! I guess I should see a lawyer at some point, but I was hoping that paying him$500/month plus giving him the baby bonus (that's $1200ish/month) would kind of...go towards that? Will the court recognize that money? I dont know... is it stupid of me to offer that money first thing?

He doesnt seem like the type to do any serious court stuff... honestly, I think he's too lazy to go forward with any of that. For the D, I'll have to go all the leg work, for sure; which is fine.

I guess I should document ever penny I give him! And start keeping track of all that?
 
#52 ·
Oh, And I just read a bit of the other thread... use whatever profits from the house sale to pay off all that debt in your name (which is really marital debt, even if it's only in your name), and then split what's left, if anything is left over. Don't give him a single freaking penny before.
 
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