I just told my husband that I want a divorce - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

User Tag List

 107Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 11:53 AM
Member
 
Thor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 8,780
Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

Yes, it gets better. The process of divorce isn't fun even when it is amicable. My divorce was about as easy as one might imagine, though I would not consider us friends. She did engage in many forms of infidelity or disloyalty during the marriage. But I had given it many years of really trying hard to fix the marriage.

Anyhow, if you do get to the point of divorcing, try to keep things in perspective. It isn't worth fighting over who keeps the toaster. But do assert yourself for the things that are important to you. Don't give away the farm out of some sense of fairness or keeping the peace. Do expect to be surprised a few times by how strongly you react emotionally to something. Those are the times you have to decide if it is worth letting it go or standing your ground, and it may make sense to call for a pause for an hour or a day so you can think on it.

Give MC an honest try, but hold his feet to the fire. If things aren't better in just a few months, they aren't going to get better. Be realistic not blindly hopeful.

I suggest the book "5 Love Languages" for both of you. Also, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" for him, but he will likely react poorly to you giving it to him. Perhaps you could suggest in a private session with the MC that he/she suggest it to your H. Or maybe you could enlist a friend of his or a male relative to give it to him, but be sure he doesn't know it came from you!

You both might benefit from some IC, too. Your MC is treating the marriage, not either of you. After a few sessions you might ask the MC's opinion if IC would be helpful (with a different person than the MC).

Thor is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 08:26 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 63
Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by x598 View Post
well I am going to offer some different advice.

the worn out, much over used, "i'm not happy" excuse.....well frankly I think you are kidding yourself. when you divorce, you are going to find out the grass isn't greener (another over used cliché, but still applicable) will be a hard and bitter lesson.

What are you expecting......to find a decent man later on....to only then figure out he wants sex a couple of times a week too? I find it interesting that you seem prepared to walk from the marriage since your needs aren't being met.....but see no valid reason HIS needs should be met, and even admit to not meeting them.

while it is good to be optimistic....you run the very real chance of destroying something that once upon a time you felt strong enough about to take vows on. The very real possibility that some of your desires in the relationship that aren't being met are all going to be fixed by finding someone new is very slim.

I agree there are times to give up, but I don't believe for a second you have done anything and everything in your power to address the issues you have with him, real or imagined. This would include IC for you alone.

good luck to you...my advice was not meant to be harsh or a criticism, just to make you pause and think about what you are really getting yourself into.
My thinking is not "I'm going to divorce him and find someone better". It's "I'm going to divorce him so that I can have some chance at happiness". And I keep hearing this about his need for sex. What about my desire to not have sex constantly? Is that not valid? Why do I have to have sex with him all the time to get some affection and attention? If this is just a "men versus women" thing about how we view sex and affection, then I'm over it. It's exhausting. And I'd probably just be better off being alone.

I'm getting really tired of feeling like I'm the only one in this marriage that has a problem. And I have been to IC.
Running Mom is offline  
post #18 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 08:35 AM
Moderator
 
lifeistooshort's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,426
Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

I think pushing got daily sex when you know your spouse doesn't want it is incredibly selfish. If my hb did that I'd never enjoy any of it since I'd never get to recharge.

The constant push for his needs with no thought for your needs is very selfish. Both of your needs have to be considered. How is it fair that he should get all if his but you get none?

Does he also get irritated if you don't fake enjoyment or is he happy just to get his?

That comment about greener grass is ridiculous; sometimes the match is just a poor one. I divorced my ex and the grass was indeed much greener without him.

Good luck with counseling, I hope whatever happens you both find happiness.
lifeistooshort is offline  
 
post #19 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 08:45 AM
Moderator
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: United States
Posts: 10,435
Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

I was really sympathetic until I got to this post.

I will tell you what I told my wife of 25+ years (we have been together almost 28) early in our marriage.

My knee jerk reaction is to put you and your desires first. That's just a hard wired response. If you can't do the same for me in this one area of our marriage - we probably shouldn't be together. And no - that doesn't mean sex on demand.

What it does mean is this. If you are calculating the bare minimum you can do for me, and have the marriage survive, that isn't about me, that's about you. It isn't love, it's self preservation. And if that's where we are, we shouldn't be together.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Running Mom View Post
He wants sex every day and I am not exaggerating. It's exhausting to me to even think about sex every day. We've compromised on once a week (on average). But if we go an extra 2-3 days beyond that, he is not a happy camper. He doesn't get angry but he's obviously annoyed with me and that makes me feel pressure to have sex more often and then I get stressed and don't want to have sex. He says he's totally normal for wanting so much sex. I feel like things should be winding down at this point (he's 47) but what do I know - I've only ever talked about sex with him.

As for what's OK for me, I really could go much longer - probably a month but I know that wouldn't work for him. I have a very low sex drive but I do have a need to feel close to him which comes from more sex so I try my best for once a week.

He's pretty awesome. He's not perfect and there are things about him I would like to change (I wish he were more sociable so we could do things outside of the house more often). But he's very smart and strong and self-aware and trying very hard to be a better person. He's also a great father and he loves me more than anyone else in the world. But all his passion and high level of emotion (which manifest as sexual desire, annoyance-bordering-on-anger when he's out in public, super protective of me and the kids, and just generally confrontational) can be overwhelming sometimes and that is what really stresses me out.
MEM2020 is offline  
post #20 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 09:00 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 63
Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
I was really sympathetic until I got to this post.

I will tell you what I told my wife of 25+ years (we have been together almost 28) early in our marriage.

My knee jerk reaction is to put you and your desires first. That's just a hard wired response. If you can't do the same for me in this one area of our marriage - we probably shouldn't be together. And no - that doesn't mean sex on demand.

What it does mean is this. If you are calculating the bare minimum you can do for me, and have the marriage survive, that isn't about me, that's about you. It isn't love, it's self preservation. And if that's where we are, we shouldn't be together.
But here is where I get very confused: if he is putting my desires first, why does he not care about my desire to not have sex all the time? What about my desire to not feel constant pressure for sex? Who is going to give in? I feel like I give in on so many other things in this marriage so why this also? These are honest questions, by the way. I'm not just trying to be argumentative. I would really like to know how we both put the other's desires first and still both be happy when those desires are contradictory. I think the bottom line is that it doesn't work.

I think the other problem is that he is so focused on this one thing (sex), that he disregards everything else I bring to this marriage. So I feel like I am being blamed for giving up because of the sex issue, but isn't he also?
Running Mom is offline  
post #21 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 09:10 AM
Member
 
RoseAglow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 702
Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

Hi RM,

Other posters may not know or realize that you've been on TAM, asking for ways to improve your marriage, for several years now. I think maybe 4 or more? So your request or agreement to divorce was by no means an impulsive move.

It's not in your OP here so the others also don't know that you've been the only one working since 2003 (although maybe that has changed since you were last here) and other items that make your case particularly challenging.

I hope that your husband now understands that you, too, are near of what you can handle in the marriage. I am glad to hear that you have a plan in place and know that you will be OK if your marriage is not able to survive. Sometimes having one spouse actually truly be ready to divorce is a wake up call and things finally improve; I hope that this is the case for you.

I hope that marriage counseling is helpful. I know that you have wanted to improve things between you and your husband for a very long time. Best of luck!

"Happiness is only the cart; love is the horse."- George Vallliant, long-term director of the 75-year (and continuing) Harvard Grant Study, on the primary contributor to a happy life.
RoseAglow is offline  
post #22 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 09:13 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 63
Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by RoseAglow View Post
Hi RM,

Other posters may not know or realize that you've been on TAM, asking for ways to improve your marriage, for several years now. I think maybe 4 or more? So your request or agreement to divorce was by no means an impulsive move.

It's not in your OP here so the others also don't know that you've been the only one working since 2003 (although maybe that has changed since you were last here) and other items that make your case particularly challenging.

I hope that your husband now understands that you, too, are near of what you can handle in the marriage. I am glad to hear that you have a plan in place and know that you will be OK if your marriage is not able to survive. Sometimes having one spouse actually truly be ready to divorce is a wake up call and things finally improve; I hope that this is the case for you.

I hope that marriage counseling is helpful. I know that you have wanted to improve things between you and your husband for a very long time. Best of luck!
Thank you very much for this post.
Running Mom is offline  
post #23 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 09:22 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,728
Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

It's not only the sex he wants, Runningmom.

It's the feeling of intimacy and closeness to his wife that he's craving. And the farther you pull away, the more he yearns for that feeling of closeness. I guarantee you it's not ALL about the physical act of sex with him. We men need to feel loved. Sex is how we feel loved the best. You are right that every night is making you feel pressured and turns you off. But if your sex drive is that far off of his, marriage will be hard.
Mine started slowing a little when I hit 35. It's still high, but 3-5 times a week is plenty for me and I'm in my early 40's. I kinda feel like women in their late 30's and 40's are like 18 year old boys on the sex drive thing. I don't know how old you are, but maybe age will solve some of the problem?

Go get some help on fixing the intimacy thing between you two. He is not right for wanting you every night of the week and demanding. You're not right for not understanding his needs. Give him a freaking hand job and snuggle with him on nights you're not really into it. Let him know you care about him that much. If you give that man what he needs, he may freaking worship you and give you the emotional type stuff that you need. First thing you know, you may be wanting him as often as he's wanting you.

Just some thoughts. Wishing you luck. I get tired of hearing of good people divorcing over things that might have a chance of being solved.
Have my fingers crossed for you.
Evinrude58 is offline  
post #24 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 09:30 AM
Moderator
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: United States
Posts: 10,435
Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

RM,
Just reviewed your prior posts. Your H never really grew up. He is difficult in some core ways.

He has chosen not to work since 2003.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Running Mom View Post
But here is where I get very confused: if he is putting my desires first, why does he not care about my desire to not have sex all the time? What about my desire to not feel constant pressure for sex? Who is going to give in? I feel like I give in on so many other things in this marriage so why this also? These are honest questions, by the way. I'm not just trying to be argumentative. I would really like to know how we both put the other's desires first and still both be happy when those desires are contradictory. I think the bottom line is that it doesn't work.

I think the other problem is that he is so focused on this one thing (sex), that he disregards everything else I bring to this marriage. So I feel like I am being blamed for giving up because of the sex issue, but isn't he also?
MEM2020 is offline  
post #25 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 09:37 AM
Forum Supporter
 
3Xnocharm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 5,949
Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by Running Mom View Post
My thinking is not "I'm going to divorce him and find someone better". It's "I'm going to divorce him so that I can have some chance at happiness". And I keep hearing this about his need for sex. What about my desire to not have sex constantly? Is that not valid? Why do I have to have sex with him all the time to get some affection and attention? If this is just a "men versus women" thing about how we view sex and affection, then I'm over it. It's exhausting. And I'd probably just be better off being alone.

I'm getting really tired of feeling like I'm the only one in this marriage that has a problem. And I have been to IC.
Your point is very valid. There should be give and take for both sides. You shouldnt have to put out for sex constantly if he is not going to show any affection away from the bedroom. What he needs to understand is that if he DID show non-sexual affection to you, that maybe your drive and desire for him would INCREASE and lead to more frequent and fulfulling sex all around. Most of us women NEED that affection in order to have desire for our partner.


Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I think pushing got daily sex when you know your spouse doesn't want it is incredibly selfish. If my hb did that I'd never enjoy any of it since I'd never get to recharge.

The constant push for his needs with no thought for your needs is very selfish. Both of your needs have to be considered. How is it fair that he should get all if his but you get none?

Does he also get irritated if you don't fake enjoyment or is he happy just to get his?

That comment about greener grass is ridiculous; sometimes the match is just a poor one. I divorced my ex and the grass was indeed much greener without him.

Good luck with counseling, I hope whatever happens you both find happiness.
I agree, about the whole grass is greener comment. Greener grass really isnt about finding another partner, its about being able to find contentment/happiness for yourself. Being with someone you are no longer happy or in love with sucks the life out of you.


Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
3Xnocharm is offline  
post #26 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 09:37 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 63
Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
You're not right for not understanding his needs. Give him a freaking hand job and snuggle with him on nights you're not really into it. Let him know you care about him that much. .
I do understand his need for love but does it always have to come from sex? And give him a hand job and snuggle? Really? After I worked all day, paid all the bills, made dinner, helped with homework? Maybe I could just have some time to myself to read a book or watch TV without someone wanting something from me. Edited to add: I would be happy sitting and watching TV with him but if he's pissed off because we haven't had sex, I end up just sitting by myself which makes me feel lonely.

Sorry - I just needed to vent a little. I get what you are saying, but thinking that more sex is no big deal really pisses me off. I have more than one need and so if I don't get one thing from him, then I can get something else, you know what I mean? All he ever wants is sex and if I'm not in the mood, there is nothing else I can do to make him happy. Everything I do is viewed through the lens of sex. If I made dinner, then it's all well and good if we've had sex recently. If we haven't, then he couldn't care less if we eat. That is pressure and I'm tired of it.
Running Mom is offline  
post #27 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 09:40 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 985
Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by Running Mom View Post
He wants sex every day and I am not exaggerating. It's exhausting to me to even think about sex every day. We've compromised on once a week (on average). But if we go an extra 2-3 days beyond that, he is not a happy camper. He doesn't get angry but he's obviously annoyed with me and that makes me feel pressure to have sex more often and then I get stressed and don't want to have sex. He says he's totally normal for wanting so much sex. I feel like things should be winding down at this point (he's 47) but what do I know - I've only ever talked about sex with him.

As for what's OK for me, I really could go much longer - probably a month but I know that wouldn't work for him. I have a very low sex drive but I do have a need to feel close to him which comes from more sex so I try my best for once a week.
He is totally normal and once a week is a large compromise on his part. If he needs to step up in some other area I'd be all for that but you also say he's pretty wonderful otherwise so that's a disconnect. Maybe there is a way to be 'sexual' a bit more often without quite as much PIV, just a suggestion. Not sure how old you are but if it is around his age @ 47 you are likely headed towards more conflict not less on this issue as you age if you don't manage such a transition.
anonmd is offline  
post #28 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 09:46 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,728
Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

Husband hasn't worked since 2003?

Yeah, time for divorce. That's bs. Hell yes, you should be too tired for sex or a hand job.
You've fulfilled your end. He needs to step up or step out.
Evinrude58 is offline  
post #29 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 09:58 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Emerging Buddhist's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: World-wide
Posts: 1,350
Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
My knee jerk reaction is to put you and your desires first. That's just a hard wired response. If you can't do the same for me in this one area of our marriage - we probably shouldn't be together. And no - that doesn't mean sex on demand.

What it does mean is this. If you are calculating the bare minimum you can do for me, and have the marriage survive, that isn't about me, that's about you. It isn't love, it's self preservation. And if that's where we are, we shouldn't be together.
The bolded troubled me as I sat here digesting this sentence of this paragraph over my morning tea...

There is a part me, I'm sure, that shouldn't be with anybody because there is no perfect package in me that will satisfy any one person.

With practice, I assess the entire package and ensure that self-preservation is done for loving myself so I may be better at loving others.

Your words ring true (to me) about the "bare minimum" in anything, much less sex, and calculations have no part in a relationship yet they are allowed to introduce themselves on-demand where we start to confuse self-preservation with selfishness.

A fine line... is it not?

Yet incredibly clear at the same time as one's heart knows the difference even if the mind tries to convince it otherwise.

It takes more than understanding our partners languages... it takes acceptance, and therein lies our biggest struggle.

Be the balance you seek...
Emerging Buddhist is offline  
post #30 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 10:37 AM
Moderator
 
lifeistooshort's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,426
Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

Yes, if he hasn't bothered to work in 13 years no wonder that's all he thinks about.

Probably spends lots of time looking at porn while you're working.

Forget about sex, you have a man child.

I can see the increase in my hb's sex drive when he's off work.....but in my defense I like it more when I'm not working too.
lifeistooshort is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Husband asked for divorce Kettlebelle Going Through Divorce or Separation 93 11-07-2016 09:15 AM
My husband told me that I'm not feminine and it really hurts Junipermom General Relationship Discussion 29 10-31-2016 01:16 PM
Deceit, drama, annnnd divorce??? kettle General Relationship Discussion 11 10-29-2016 01:20 PM
Wife left, pushed the divorce and ever since I agreed, she's dragging her feet? whatisluv Going Through Divorce or Separation 52 10-25-2016 10:44 AM
(M+M) Frustrated Married Guy, At Wits End, Considering Divorce checkedoutdude Coping with Infidelity 26 01-23-2016 12:05 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome