I just told my husband that I want a divorce - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 11:28 AM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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I totally agree about him throwing out divorce when he doesn't really mean it. When I went to individual counseling last year, she told me the same thing in a way - that I shouldn't talk about divorce unless I really mean it. I still remember how painful it was the first time he told me we should get divorced. I guess the difference between him telling me and me telling him is that I really meant it and I had a plan.

I am looking forward to counseling, especially since he's always said in the past that he didn't want to go, not because he didn't want to work on the marriage but because he doesn't like doctors/therapists/counselors. But he got a name from a good friend of his. I figured that my best bet was to let him pick the counselor as that may make him much more likely to open up. The other positive decision we made is that even though right now we feel like we've resolved this particular issue this time, we are still going to go to counseling. Maybe we will get more out of it since we aren't starting from a place of hurt and anger.

Reading through this thread and thinking about how I felt yesterday (wanting a divorce) and how I feel today (not so much), I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm too old for these major emotional swings from high to low.
What change your thoughts on whether you want a divorce or not? I only ask as I am on the other side of this currently and really wanted to see your perspective.

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post #32 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 11:32 AM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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My thinking is not "I'm going to divorce him and find someone better". It's "I'm going to divorce him so that I can have some chance at happiness". And I keep hearing this about his need for sex. What about my desire to not have sex constantly? Is that not valid? Why do I have to have sex with him all the time to get some affection and attention? If this is just a "men versus women" thing about how we view sex and affection, then I'm over it. It's exhausting. And I'd probably just be better off being alone.

I'm getting really tired of feeling like I'm the only one in this marriage that has a problem. And I have been to IC.
Do you think there is still a chance you could be happy again with your husband if he made some changes and was more willing to meet in the middle? Sex is something which makes me feel incredibly close to my wife also and I may have been guilty in the past of making similar errors to your husband, the feeling of rejection often made me shut down and was hard to get past but I have been working on that and when things were better between me and my wife sometimes just the physical closeness satisfied the same needs an affectionate hug or kiss just to feel the love.
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post #33 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 11:35 AM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

Whatever you do, know that divorce sucks. It just sucks.

I disagree with all these stories about good divorces. There is no such thing as a good divorce. Some are more amicable than others, but divorce is still a tragedy however you slice it. It is the dissolution of a family. There is nothing good or positive about it, unless for those extreme cases where a spouse has been cheated on repeatedly or has been suffering extreme physical or emotional abuse.

Use every resource at your disposal to save your marriage. Work hard at your MC, and if things still do not improve, then you and your husband can walk away with the knowledge that you did all that you could to save it.
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post #34 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 11:43 AM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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Whatever you do, know that divorce sucks. It just sucks.

I disagree with all these stories about good divorces. There is no such thing as a good divorce. Some are more amicable than others, but divorce is still a tragedy however you slice it. It is the dissolution of a family. There is nothing good or positive about it, unless for those extreme cases where a spouse has been cheated on repeatedly or has been suffering extreme physical or emotional abuse.

Use every resource at your disposal to save your marriage. Work hard at your MC, and if things still do not improve, then you and your husband can walk away with the knowledge that you did all that you could to save it.
I like this. I still haven't had the chance to work on my marriage with MC and feel like we should have made more of an effort and not really tried after 12 years before spitting our family and looking like we are moving forward with a divorce.

Once I heard the 'I want a divorce everything became so much clearer, realized a lot of my weaknesses and errors and how much my wife and family meant to me, I finally saw the times I had hurt her and made her feel bad and honestly believe if i had ever been given the chance our relationship could have become better than ever.
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post #35 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 11:52 AM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

And just my opinion...considering throwing away your marriage and life stability just because your husband whines about not getting enough sex seems hasty to me. Yeah I get you have been having problems for four years now. But are these problems really that insurmountable? It just seems foolish to throw away all that you and he have built together because you have grown apart in your interests and have become sexually incompatible.

As far as him not being social? Most men, as they age, stop socializing. They just do. I can tell you it is generally a fact. At 49 I am nowhere near as affable or sociable as I was when I was 29. Far from it. I get just as much pleasure hanging out at home and puttering with my hobbies or reading a good book as I do going to social gatherings. It is a natural progression for men as they reach 50s and beyond.

Maybe I'm generalizing, but from my perspective women never seem to lose their sociability, and continue to go out and socialize and do activities. Nothing wrong at all with that. I guess I don't understand why you have this need for your husband to accompany you to all your social gatherings. Why do you need him there? This speaks to an insecurity of yours, not his. Why can you not pursue your interests, allow him to pursue his, and then have common interests that you do together once a week?

If your husband was physically abusing you, cheating on you, was an alcoholic or drug addict, or had a gambling addiction...then I could see you wanting out immediately. But have you ever considered that your husband just finds you incredibly beautiful and sexy? Does he tell you how much he desires you?

You know, there are women on this forum and out in the world who would give ten years off their life to have a husband who desires them sexually. Think about this before you go off half cocked.
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post #36 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 12:00 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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Originally Posted by Running Mom View Post
Thanks for the replies and support. This is why I really love this forum! I first wrote this post right after I told him we should split up. A few hours later we talked for hours and hours and have agreed to go to a marriage counselor. Even though we aren't getting divorced right now, I do feel like a huge weight has been lifted just by telling him that it's been on my mind. We've talked about divorce in the past and he's always been the one to bring it up. I thought I was just finally telling him that I agreed. But then he told me that he didn't really want to get divorced - he just sometimes says that because he's hurt and feels like he needs to say something shocking to get me to understand how serious he is.

He says his only problem with me is that we don't have enough sex. We've been fighting about sex for years now and I'm just so tired of it. If we don't have sex as often as he wants (which he says is way less than he REALLY wants but he's compromising with me), then he gets cranky and withdraws from me and I get very lonely and feel like there is nothing between us and that ALL he wants from me is sex and if he doesn't get that then nothing else I do has any meaning. When he's withdrawn, I don't feel like having sex and we get in this same loop of bad moods and no affection and no sex because there are bad moods and no affection.

Hopefully a marriage counselor can help us communicate a little better.
Sex, to 90% of men, is marriage.

That is how "they" show their love.

Get this...or lose every battle with most men.

The grass is not greener in another bull pasture. At Clark Kent's farm? Maybe. Find Clark Kent.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #37 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 12:10 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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Sex, to 90% of men, is marriage.

That is how "they" show their love.

Get this...or lose every battle with most men.

The grass is not greener in another bull pasture. At Clark Kent's farm? Maybe. Find Clark Kent.

As a guy, I'll speak to this. She's right. We are basically big babies. Love us (play with us, tease us, have sex with us) and feed us, and we're usually satisfied.
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post #38 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 12:12 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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Maybe I'm generalizing, but from my perspective women never seem to lose their sociability, and continue to go out and socialize and do activities. Nothing wrong at all with that. I guess I don't understand why you have this need for your husband to accompany you to all your social gatherings. Why do you need him there? This speaks to an insecurity of yours, not his. Why can you not pursue your interests, allow him to pursue his, and then have common interests that you do together once a week?
Why would you consider it insecurity that she would like to have her husband along for socializing? Shouldn't our spouse be our best friend, the one we like spending time with the most? I thinks when people marry, its important for each to have their own interests, but across the board, your spouse should be the one you want to be with. Why be with someone otherwise, isnt that a big part of being a couple? I went through two husbands who were completely anti-social, including with family, and its depressing and embarrassing to have a spouse who doesnt want to spend time with you, your family, or your friends.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #39 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 12:28 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Sex, to 90% of men, is marriage.

That is how "they" show their love.

Get this...or lose every battle with most men.

The grass is not greener in another bull pasture. At Clark Kent's farm? Maybe. Find Clark Kent.
This ^^^^^^^.

Women need to get this through their heads:

A woman shows she loves her man by giving him sex. That is how a man knows his woman loves him.

Women require much much more to know they are loved, and most conscientious husbands jump through hoops to try to do what they need us to do... the majority of the time. There are a lot of lazy and selfish husbands out there, but there are just as many who give an honest effort towards letting there wives know they love and care for them.
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post #40 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 12:31 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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Why would you consider it insecurity that she would like to have her husband along for socializing? Shouldn't our spouse be our best friend, the one we like spending time with the most? I thinks when people marry, its important for each to have their own interests, but across the board, your spouse should be the one you want to be with. Why be with someone otherwise, isnt that a big part of being a couple? I went through two husbands who were completely anti-social, including with family, and its depressing and embarrassing to have a spouse who doesnt want to spend time with you, your family, or your friends.
I'll answer a question with a question. Why did you pick two unsocial husbands to marry, and then get your feelings hurt because they didn't want to socialize? Many men are like this....a whole bunch of us. So why would you, a social person, pick two men in succession who were not? Why do some women set themselves up for that?

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post #41 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 12:48 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

I've told this story before, but I knew a couple who lived in my hometown when I was growing up. They were close friends of our family, and in some ways I considered them a sort of aunt and uncle. They were ranchers. For twenty five years they lived way out of town on their ranch, about three miles off the highway, and which was accessible only by a very bumpy, sometimes washed-out, dirt road. They raised five kids together and ran a successful cattle operation.

Then once all the kids were gone, the wife decided that she no longer wanted to live at the ranch. Her mother had died and left her a house in town, so her husband fixed the place up and she moved in while he stayed out at the ranch. They only got together on weekends. He ran the ranch while she worked in town as a bookkeeper for several local businesses. But every weekend you would see them at the grocery store together, buying food and laughing and smiling and holding hands as they wandered up and down the isles. You would see them at church together every Sunday and they just looked in love. But they only got together on the weekends. She was very active in White Cross and other women's organizations, and was active in the Rotary Club. She did these things all by herself. Her husband was one of those respected men who everyone knew and liked, but you hardly ever saw him, because, well...he was on the back of a horse somewhere out in the sticks five days a week. I can imagine they only had sexual relations on those weekends when he came into town to stay with her.

They stayed married for fifty some ought years, and only moved back in together when he got old and frail and had to pass the ranch off to his sons.

What I am getting at is that these two people saw the value in their marriage beyond sex and differences in interests. They did not end it simply because she no longer wanted to live out in the boondocks. She lived her life and he lived his and they made it work. They had enough trust in each other to allow each other the freedom to do what made them happy.

I don't know why I'm telling this story, except to say that these two people managed to make it work for more than half a century. How tragic it would have been for them to have ended it once their kids were grown.
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post #42 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 12:51 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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Why would you consider it insecurity that she would like to have her husband along for socializing? Shouldn't our spouse be our best friend, the one we like spending time with the most? I thinks when people marry, its important for each to have their own interests, but across the board, your spouse should be the one you want to be with. Why be with someone otherwise, isnt that a big part of being a couple? I went through two husbands who were completely anti-social, including with family, and its depressing and embarrassing to have a spouse who doesnt want to spend time with you, your family, or your friends.
Well, you are right.

I hope #3 does what you need. I believe [from your posts] that he does spend time with you, that your third husband is compatible with you. Now, of course {not before}. You are charmed. Your Avatar says this.

And you are blessed. Not only because you finally found a man that works for you, but because you had two previous relationships with two other men. You have perspective. A past to draw from.

And two other men. Some women have no meaningful [past] SO's. No fond and not-so-fond memories to tide you over when things in the marriage go haywire. To give you perspective.

You took your lumps. You took your lugs, two of them to your heart..to your bed. They may be gone...but only physically.

Enjoy the third. And may he enjoy you and your Charms...Dear!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #43 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 12:58 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

And I will say one more thing while I'm on a rant. Having common interests, being equally sociable, and having a great sex life doesn't a happy marriage make. A couple can be compatible in every way, on paper, and sometimes it still doesn't work. Usually it comes down to mutually orneriness or stubbornness, or one partner being selfish and not wanting to compromise, or sometimes the cares and worries of every day life (external forces) just weigh down on the marriage.

You could have a social butterfly husband who throws barbecues every weekend, loves to go to parties and events, and who has no penis and never wants to have sex, and I guarantee you you will still find other things to complain about. Sometimes you have to just look inside yourself and find ways to make yourself happy irregardless of what your spouse does.
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post #44 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 01:10 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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I'll answer a question with a question. Why did you pick two unsocial husbands to marry, and then get your feelings hurt because they didn't want to socialize? Many men are like this....a whole bunch of us. So why would you, a social person, pick two men in succession who were not? Why do some women set themselves up for that?
This is an excellent question. I have a very broken picker it seems. Neither of them were overly social people when our relationship(s) started, but over time, they slowly dropped out of pretty much everything. It had never bothered me at first, because I myself am not a social butterfly, but they did start out going to family functions, etc. I am having to work on myself so I do not get sucked into another relationship with this type of person.

@SunCMars..... I am not currently married. My last husband divorced me in less than a year to remarry his first wife. Hence my user name 3 times NO charm.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #45 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 01:12 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

I'll counterpoint Bandit here, not that he doesn't make some good points.

How many times has the masses here told someone to leave the marriage if they're not happy before they do something stupid and betray their spouse?

He wants sex desperately.
She has no desire to change the frequency of sex.

Neither of them will be happy in the current situation. Split up, and become the best co-parents you can be - the status quo won't be maintained. There's a better than 50/50 chance you'll both be happier apart with new partners who better meet your needs.
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