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post #46 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 01:13 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
This is an excellent question. I have a very broken picker it seems. Neither of them were overly social people when our relationship(s) started, but over time, they slowly dropped out of pretty much everything. It had never bothered me at first, because I myself am not a social butterfly, but they did start out going to family functions, etc. I am having to work on myself so I do not get sucked into another relationship with this type of person.

@SunCMars..... I am not currently married. My last husband divorced me in less than a year to remarry his first wife. Hence my user name 3 times NO charm.
Going back to the insecure question...I guess I just don't understand why OP is upset that her hubby doesn't like hanging out with her friends. I can get it if he were avoiding her family...that is a completely different issue altogether. That would not be cool. Family is family and you have an obligation to be there. But I guess I just don't understand why it impedes her ability to socialize and have fun without her husband. I see women at social events all the time, all the time, without hubbies in tow. It doesn't seem to bother them. I would imagine they like the break from their husbands.

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post #47 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 01:18 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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Going back to the insecure question...I guess I just don't understand why OP is upset that her hubby doesn't like hanging out with her friends. I can get it if he were avoiding her family...that is a completely different issue altogether. That would not be cool. Family is family and you have an obligation to be there. But I guess I just don't understand why it impedes her ability to socialize and have fun without her husband. I see women at social events all the time, all the time, without hubbies in tow. It doesn't seem to bother them. I would imagine they like the break from their husbands.

Hmm, did you take into account that he has not worked since 2003, she does most of the childcare, housework, and works full time. If he is not interacting with her then who is he having sex with without really knowing her. Is she just a face, a vagina for him? Is he having sex with someone that he really does not know? Sex is important,but without a connection who the heck is he making love to if he is clueless into whom he is having sex with? How about hsi threats of divorce that he used to control her? And if research is more important, than with neurology, sex for males is more of a reward system than a bonding one compared to females. Females actually bond more and feel more love by a wide margin when it comes to sex and this research is easily found out if you want to look it up. Still, sex is important because it is rewarding and has so many benefits to both males and females. Just like people mistake attraction for bonds.

My gf is both my best friend, someone that I can talk to and want to spend time with and am highly attracted to at the same time. I love to put my arms around her while we enjoy a movie, I love the joy on her face when I surprise her, I love how she is my cheerleader, or how we are there for one another, I can count on her, the OP cannot say the same for her husband.

Btw, the grass is greener compared to my previous ex. Just like any relationship is different and people bring different things into a relationship, we get different reactions. If someone is married to an abuser, cheater, someone neglectful, and then is in a relationship with someone without those issues, the grass is already greener. Depends on multiple factors. AS bad as Losinghim's husband is currently, he was not as nearly as terrible as her ex-husband. The grass is greener for LH already is just that there is still a lot of issues.

I agree with you if they can work on their issues, the grass can grow greener but nonetheless, how green it is is still highly dependent on the people involved. I have a friend that left her ex even though she was in a happy marriage and is now in a better marriage where the greass is greener. Her ex convinced her to join the hot wife lifestyle and that is how she met her current husband. It was love at first sight and they shared more interests in her and her ex. That is what I mean the greeness of the grass and its potential is dependent on the people involved. Why the grass is greener for me than my previous because of a lot of factors. People sometimes make mistakes in who they marry and if they tried for what they beleive is enough, how would investing more time solve the issues? My ex is making someone's life miserable and we are still friends and I know that I would be miserable with her still. I had to cut the cord at some point. How much should I sacrifice for her sake, live my life for another? That is everyone's choice. This is my only life and I sure as hell would not waste it on someone that does not care enough about what I need if I am the only one giving. I find it fascinating that people talk about vows and forget about cherishing one another.

I am such a tree hugger because it gives me wood!
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post #48 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 01:20 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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I'll counterpoint Bandit here, not that he doesn't make some good points.

How many times has the masses here told someone to leave the marriage if they're not happy before they do something stupid and betray their spouse?

He wants sex desperately.
She has no desire to change the frequency of sex.

Neither of them will be happy in the current situation. Split up, and become the best co-parents you can be - the status quo won't be maintained. There's a better than 50/50 chance you'll both be happier apart with new partners who better meet your needs.
Maybe.... Maybe. It is not a guarantee. But you are right...if she does not find a way to compromise with him, he will find another outlet for his needs. That is where a really good MC can come in and mediate and help them come to a compromise they can both live with.

And I say this I guess because I am one of those who really likes sex, and I have a hard time identifying with "low drive" people. I just don't understand how a healthy person, with a healthy spouse, would not want to have as much sex as both of them can handle. Sex is a blast.

Look, all I'm saying is that if she is going to divorce him, then be honest about why she is divorcing him. It sounds to me like she just doesn't love him, and I say that because I have not heard her mention the "L" word much at all. It just doesn't seem to exist. What I'm suspecting is that she simply doesn't love him anymore, and that has translated into her no longer wanting to have sex with him.
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post #49 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 01:21 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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Going back to the insecure question...I guess I just don't understand why OP is upset that her hubby doesn't like hanging out with her friends. I can get it if he were avoiding her family...that is a completely different issue altogether. That would not be cool. Family is family and you have an obligation to be there. But I guess I just don't understand why it impedes her ability to socialize and have fun without her husband. I see women at social events all the time, all the time, without hubbies in tow. It doesn't seem to bother them. I would imagine they like the break from their husbands.
The older I've gotten, the worse my social anxiety has become. I DESPISE social gatherings, for the most part. It's 100x worse if I don't know anyone there. I will go out on a limb, however, to say that if I truly enjoyed spending time with my wife, I might be more game to go. So, there's no one answer to this.
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post #50 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 01:22 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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Hmm, did you take into account that he has not worked since 2003, she does most of the childcare, housework, and works full time. If he is not interacting with her then who is he having sex with without really knowing her. Is she just a face, a vagina for him? Is he having sex with someone that he really does not know? Sex is important,but without a connection who the heck is he making love to if he is clueless into whom he is having sex with? How about hsi threats of divorce that he used to control her? And if research is more important, than with neurology, sex for males is more of a reward system than a bonding one compared to females. Females actually bond more and feel more love by a wide margin when it comes to sex and this research is easily found out if you want to look it up. Still, sex is important because it is rewarding and has so many benefits to both males and females. Just like people mistake attraction for bonds.

My gf is both my best friend, someone that I can talk to and want to spend time with and am highly attracted to at the same time. I love to put my arms around her while we enjoy a movie, I love the joy on her face when I surprise her, I love how she is my cheerleader, or how we are there for one another, I can count on her, the OP cannot say the same for her husband.

Btw, the grass is greener compared to my previous ex. Just like any relationship is different and people bring different things into a relationship, we get different reactions. If someone is married to an abuser, cheater, someone neglectful, and then is in a relationship with someone without those issues, the grass is already greener. Depends on multiple factors. AS bad as Losinghim's husband is currently, he was not as nearly as terrible as her ex-husband. The grass is greener for LH already is just that there is still a lot of issues.

I agree with you if they can work on their issues, the grass can grow greener but nonetheless, how green it is is still highly dependent on the people involved. I have a friend that left her ex even though she was in a happy marriage and is now in a better marriage where the greass is greener. Her ex convinced her to join the hot wife lifestyle and that is how she met her current husband. It was love at first sight and they shared more interests in her and her ex. That is what I mean the greeness of the grass and its potential is dependent on the people involved. Why the grass is greener for me than my previous because of a lot of factors. People sometimes make mistakes in who they marry and if they tried for what they beleive is enough, how would investing more time solve the issues? My ex is making someone's life miserable and we are still friends and I know that I would be miserable with her still. I had to cut the cord at some point. How much should I sacrifice for her sake, live my life for another? That is everyone's choice. This is my only life and I sure as hell would not waste it on someone that does not care enough about what I need if I am the only one giving. I find it fascinating that people talk about vows and forget about cherishing one another.
I had not read her other threads, so I did not know he had not been working. If so that definitely puts a new spin on the situation.
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post #51 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 02:37 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

RM I can not believe the disdain you show for sex with your husband. its dripping from your posts.

help me understand something. Is sex not pleasurable to you? your words make it sound like a dreaded chore, akin to fixing a clogged toilet. I mean does he want to tie you up in bed for hours like something out of the movies? Does he have oversized toys he wants to use on you?

Because I don't understand. a freely given act that most find immensely enjoyable and an emotional bonding experience to you is almost portrayed like a horror movie. Were you brought up by nuns who scorned you and gave you the belief sex is dirty and only for getting pregnant?

many here have commented about him not working, yet you didn't start this conversation with that, rather you are tired of him pestering you for sex. and while I can see that would be unattractive... you complained about the sex and not his working. I would like to know more details about it. Did he agree to stay home and raise kids as you had a more lucrative career? are there other factors?

not trying to be combative. I am offering different views or opinions to help you with your tough life altering decision.
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post #52 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 04:06 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

I just re-read your original thread from 2013, I remembered it as I read. Unless there have been some serious changes, I think its pretty relevant to this current thread, if other posters care to check it out.

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post #53 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 07:26 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
This is an excellent question. I have a very broken picker it seems. Neither of them were overly social people when our relationship(s) started, but over time, they slowly dropped out of pretty much everything. It had never bothered me at first, because I myself am not a social butterfly, but they did start out going to family functions, etc. I am having to work on myself so I do not get sucked into another relationship with this type of person.

@SunCMars..... I am not currently married. My last husband divorced me in less than a year to remarry his first wife. Hence my user name 3 times NO charm.
Damn! My eyes are not what they used to be. I miss little......words.

Damn! That means you are available.

Gents, the Lady is single, the Lady is intelligent, the Lady is experienced.

Her picker has run out of bad men. As luck [and the odds] would have it, you are poised for a better future.

Date long.....LTR.

Wait long enough for................ no shoe to drop.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #54 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 07:36 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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I was really sympathetic until I got to this post.

I will tell you what I told my wife of 25+ years (we have been together almost 28) early in our marriage.

My knee jerk reaction is to put you and your desires first. That's just a hard wired response. If you can't do the same for me in this one area of our marriage - we probably shouldn't be together. And no - that doesn't mean sex on demand.

What it does mean is this. If you are calculating the bare minimum you can do for me, and have the marriage survive, that isn't about me, that's about you. It isn't love, it's self preservation. And if that's where we are, we shouldn't be together.
Perfect. Thank you!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #55 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 07:54 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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Hmm, did you take into account that he has not worked since 2003, she does most of the childcare, housework, and works full time. If he is not interacting with her then who is he having sex with without really knowing her. Is she just a face, a vagina for him? Is he having sex with someone that he really does not know? Sex is important,but without a connection who the heck is he making love to if he is clueless into whom he is having sex with? How about hsi threats of divorce that he used to control her? And if research is more important, than with neurology, sex for males is more of a reward system than a bonding one compared to females. Females actually bond more and feel more love by a wide margin when it comes to sex and this research is easily found out if you want to look it up. Still, sex is important because it is rewarding and has so many benefits to both males and females. Just like people mistake attraction for bonds.

My gf is both my best friend, someone that I can talk to and want to spend time with and am highly attracted to at the same time. I love to put my arms around her while we enjoy a movie, I love the joy on her face when I surprise her, I love how she is my cheerleader, or how we are there for one another, I can count on her, the OP cannot say the same for her husband.

Btw, the grass is greener compared to my previous ex. Just like any relationship is different and people bring different things into a relationship, we get different reactions. If someone is married to an abuser, cheater, someone neglectful, and then is in a relationship with someone without those issues, the grass is already greener. Depends on multiple factors. AS bad as Losinghim's husband is currently, he was not as nearly as terrible as her ex-husband. The grass is greener for LH already is just that there is still a lot of issues.

I agree with you if they can work on their issues, the grass can grow greener but nonetheless, how green it is is still highly dependent on the people involved. I have a friend that left her ex even though she was in a happy marriage and is now in a better marriage where the greass is greener. Her ex convinced her to join the hot wife lifestyle and that is how she met her current husband. It was love at first sight and they shared more interests in her and her ex. That is what I mean the greeness of the grass and its potential is dependent on the people involved. Why the grass is greener for me than my previous because of a lot of factors. People sometimes make mistakes in who they marry and if they tried for what they beleive is enough, how would investing more time solve the issues? My ex is making someone's life miserable and we are still friends and I know that I would be miserable with her still. I had to cut the cord at some point. How much should I sacrifice for her sake, live my life for another? That is everyone's choice. This is my only life and I sure as hell would not waste it on someone that does not care enough about what I need if I am the only one giving. I find it fascinating that people talk about vows and forget about cherishing one another.
Mr.Fisty to the rescue.

@running Mom, you should have rehashed some of your old posts. This puts a new spin on an old top.

Go to the closet.
Get your running shoes. Put the New Balances on. The Pumas... leave behind.
Pull out the old laces and put in new.
Put new inserts inside...the gel ones.

Step out the door and run around the bend. Keep the warm wind at your back.
Avoid the hills.
Head downhill to the lowlands and fertile soil.
Avoid the scarecrows in the field that beckon thee.

Find the working Land Tiller. The Country Gentleman that waters his crop and fertilizes his fields. The one who shields his loved ones from the baking sun.

You will know him at first glance. His hand will contain a flask of water for a run down and thirsty lady, such as thee.


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #56 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 07:58 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

Your husband should be working & contributing to the marriage.

I have posted 2 links below for you to review.

http://forgivenwife.com/new-to-this-blog-start-here/
http://forgivenwife.com/inundated-by...urt/#more-8062

It's not JUST sex. NOTHING else in this world makes me feel more loving, protective & willing to move heaven & earth to make my wife happy, than when we have sex together. NOTHING.

Not saying your husband should not own his own crap & deal with it. He would be more attractive to you if he did.

Both of you have areas to work on.
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post #57 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 08:21 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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I do understand his need for love but does it always have to come from sex? And give him a hand job and snuggle? Really? After I worked all day, paid all the bills, made dinner, helped with homework? Maybe I could just have some time to myself to read a book or watch TV without someone wanting something from me. Edited to add: I would be happy sitting and watching TV with him but if he's pissed off because we haven't had sex, I end up just sitting by myself which makes me feel lonely.

Sorry - I just needed to vent a little. I get what you are saying, but thinking that more sex is no big deal really pisses me off. I have more than one need and so if I don't get one thing from him, then I can get something else, you know what I mean? All he ever wants is sex and if I'm not in the mood, there is nothing else I can do to make him happy. Everything I do is viewed through the lens of sex. If I made dinner, then it's all well and good if we've had sex recently. If we haven't, then he couldn't care less if we eat. That is pressure and I'm tired of it.
If your H is not working, why are you coming home making dinner, helping with homework, surely he should be doing all of this? What exactly does he do around the home? There is obviously an imbalance in the household responsibilities, no wonder you are resentful, if he cannot see that, then he is either obtuse or selfish.
Why don't you approach your issue from this angle, if he gave you time to unwind after work, maybe even give you a bit of pampering and tell you to relax while he takes care of things. Does this happen in your household?
For all the male Tam'ers who are saying that sex is important, sure it is but you have to look at the circumstances.
When a guy goes to work all day, when he gets home he wants some appreciation and some loving, why should it be any different for the OP. She seems to carry the whole burden of the marriage and though I am not one to condone divorce easily, I can see how it might free her from this arrangement.
The question you have to ask yourself is what does he bring to your life (not to the kids or family life), YOUR life?
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post #58 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 08:33 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

What does he do during the day?
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post #59 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 09:44 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

IMO I couldn't get past the not working for 13 years. Unless he's disabled.

If he's not my question is why are you in this still?
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post #60 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 04:34 AM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

Before you were married and in the early stages of your marriage how often were you having sex?
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