I just told my husband that I want a divorce - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:50 AM Thread Starter
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I just told my husband that I want a divorce

I'm not sure how I feel. Guilty, I guess. I know I really hurt his feelings but I have been unhappy for a long time. I know he is, too, I just don't think he wants to admit it (at least, that is what I'm telling myself right now to make myself feel less guilty). We just aren't meeting each others needs anymore. We don't have much in common anymore. We don't have much between us anymore except our kids. (There hasn't been any cheating and not to trivialize anything any of you betrayed spouses have been through, but I almost think it would have been easier if he had cheated. It would have been a clear-cut reason to split up.) I know he is hurt and angry and I'm trying not to let what he's saying right now really get to me. He thinks I've been lying to him over the past couple of years as we've worked through our issues. I don't think I was lying - I felt like I was trying and I really wanted to believe that we could work things out. Now I've just gotten to the point where I don't want to try anymore because I just don't see us having a happy future. I don't regret anything that happened in our marriage. I am very scared about the future, about how the kids will react (although, honestly, I don't think they will be all that surprised), how I am going to cope, how I will be happy. I really feel like this is the best decision for me, though.

It gets better, right?

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post #2 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 02:50 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

This takes a lot of guts and I admire that!

I've been wanting to have this conversation with my husband, but I keep postponing it due to fear. I can't say it will get better; but I'm definitely hoping, for you, that it gets much, much better!!!
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post #3 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 02:59 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

Yes, it does get better, but you will have to deal with some crappy things to get there. Congrats to you on coming to a decision, I know how hard it is.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #4 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 03:05 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

Yep, hardest thing ever. Time heals all pain. And times flies! Good luck, only you can make yourself happy.
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post #5 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:04 PM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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Originally Posted by Running Mom View Post
....we just aren't meeting each others needs anymore. We don't have much in common anymore. We don't have much between us anymore except our kids.

....He thinks I've been lying to him over the past couple of years as we've worked through our issues. I don't think I was lying - I felt like I was trying and I really wanted to believe that we could work things out. Now I've just gotten to the point where I don't want to try anymore because I just don't see us having a happy future. I don't regret anything that happened in our marriage. I am very scared about the future, about how the kids will react (although, honestly, I don't think they will be all that surprised), how I am going to cope, how I will be happy. I really feel like this is the best decision for me, though.

It gets better, right?
It sounds like you and your H have been trying for quite a while to work through some issues and you don't see much hope for progress.

If you are asking for permission to divorce that is something I can't give. If you have been trying to work things out, what were the issues, did you have a therapist or councilor, and did you make any progress?

Marriage is hard work and both have to put in the time and effort. I was close to divorce once, but a sex therapist helped us rebuild our marriage. What I decided to do and why I agreed to therapy with my wife, was because I wanted to learn from my mistakes so that if I divorced my wife, I would not make similar relationship mistakes in the future. Let me put that a different way, if you don't figure out what the problems were that led to divorce, you are going to be damaged goods in your next relationship.

So you can either work on fixing yourself and your current husband, or you can work on fixing youself.

Good luck.
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post #6 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 09:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

Thanks for the replies and support. This is why I really love this forum! I first wrote this post right after I told him we should split up. A few hours later we talked for hours and hours and have agreed to go to a marriage counselor. Even though we aren't getting divorced right now, I do feel like a huge weight has been lifted just by telling him that it's been on my mind. We've talked about divorce in the past and he's always been the one to bring it up. I thought I was just finally telling him that I agreed. But then he told me that he didn't really want to get divorced - he just sometimes says that because he's hurt and feels like he needs to say something shocking to get me to understand how serious he is.

He says his only problem with me is that we don't have enough sex. We've been fighting about sex for years now and I'm just so tired of it. If we don't have sex as often as he wants (which he says is way less than he REALLY wants but he's compromising with me), then he gets cranky and withdraws from me and I get very lonely and feel like there is nothing between us and that ALL he wants from me is sex and if he doesn't get that then nothing else I do has any meaning. When he's withdrawn, I don't feel like having sex and we get in this same loop of bad moods and no affection and no sex because there are bad moods and no affection.

Hopefully a marriage counselor can help us communicate a little better.
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post #7 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 09:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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This takes a lot of guts and I admire that!

I've been wanting to have this conversation with my husband, but I keep postponing it due to fear. I can't say it will get better; but I'm definitely hoping, for you, that it gets much, much better!!!
I was afraid for a very long time before telling him. I would try to forget about divorce and keep trying to make him happy. I would push my own feelings aside. But I found that I spent so much time in my own head trying to solve our marital issues that I was actually making it worse. I need to remember why I love my husband and why we have been married so long and I need to trust that I can talk to him. He was very angry at first and I just had to deal with that. But then we had a reasonable (albeit tear-filled) talk and I am feeling much better today. I just hope this lasts for us.

I think one thing that actually made it easier is knowing that I could survive on my own if we actually did get divorced. Ironically, I think that might make me a better wife. Perhaps I won't be so willing to ignore my own needs in some misguided effort to only keep him happy and not myself, too (which will just lead to resentment).

Good luck to you!
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post #8 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 09:56 AM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

Glad you have decided to give it one more try.

I hope your counselor is a good one. there are many things you can do to try and reconnect.
hopefully your counselor gets you both going in that direction.

as far as hubby goes; how often does he want sex? how much is he willing to compromise. how much is ok with you?
hopefully you can work this out and meet in the middle. is he a good man otherwise?

keep us posted.
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post #9 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 09:57 AM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

Wow, this could have been me and my stbxw writing this (before she cheated...).

It's a really brave step you've taken but a positive one, no matter what the outcome is here. As others have said, you will both learn and grow from MC, even if it results in a separation, it can be positive for your future.

Just be thankful that neither of you have taken the unhappiness and parked it in a new relationship.

Good luck to you both. I hope to see happy updates from you in the future!

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post #10 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 09:57 AM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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He says his only problem with me is that we don't have enough sex. We've been fighting about sex for years now and I'm just so tired of it. If we don't have sex as often as he wants (which he says is way less than he REALLY wants but he's compromising with me), then he gets cranky and withdraws from me and I get very lonely and feel like there is nothing between us and that ALL he wants from me is sex and if he doesn't get that then nothing else I do has any meaning. When he's withdrawn, I don't feel like having sex and we get in this same loop of bad moods and no affection and no sex because there are bad moods and no affection.

Hopefully a marriage counselor can help us communicate a little better.

It's a vicious cycle, isn't it? He wants more sex, but it's hard to want to have sex with someone that's so cranky. Yet, he's cranky because he's not getting it enough. . . . .

Round and round!

BTW, him threatening divorce like that is manipulative. And it really makes the communication level decrease dramatically because you become afraid to talk to him. And why? Because he's throws out the divorce word so easily!

Good for you two on deciding to go with marriage counseling. I hope it helps.


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post #11 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 10:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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Glad you have decided to give it one more try.

I hope your counselor is a good one. there are many things you can do to try and reconnect.
hopefully your counselor gets you both going in that direction.

as far as hubby goes; how often does he want sex? how much is he willing to compromise. how much is ok with you?
hopefully you can work this out and meet in the middle. is he a good man otherwise?

keep us posted.
He wants sex every day and I am not exaggerating. It's exhausting to me to even think about sex every day. We've compromised on once a week (on average). But if we go an extra 2-3 days beyond that, he is not a happy camper. He doesn't get angry but he's obviously annoyed with me and that makes me feel pressure to have sex more often and then I get stressed and don't want to have sex. He says he's totally normal for wanting so much sex. I feel like things should be winding down at this point (he's 47) but what do I know - I've only ever talked about sex with him.

As for what's OK for me, I really could go much longer - probably a month but I know that wouldn't work for him. I have a very low sex drive but I do have a need to feel close to him which comes from more sex so I try my best for once a week.

He's pretty awesome. He's not perfect and there are things about him I would like to change (I wish he were more sociable so we could do things outside of the house more often). But he's very smart and strong and self-aware and trying very hard to be a better person. He's also a great father and he loves me more than anyone else in the world. But all his passion and high level of emotion (which manifest as sexual desire, annoyance-bordering-on-anger when he's out in public, super protective of me and the kids, and just generally confrontational) can be overwhelming sometimes and that is what really stresses me out.
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post #12 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 10:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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It's a vicious cycle, isn't it? He wants more sex, but it's hard to want to have sex with someone that's so cranky. Yet, he's cranky because he's not getting it enough. . . . .

Round and round!

BTW, him threatening divorce like that is manipulative. And it really makes the communication level decrease dramatically because you become afraid to talk to him. And why? Because he's throws out the divorce word so easily!

Good for you two on deciding to go with marriage counseling. I hope it helps.
I totally agree about him throwing out divorce when he doesn't really mean it. When I went to individual counseling last year, she told me the same thing in a way - that I shouldn't talk about divorce unless I really mean it. I still remember how painful it was the first time he told me we should get divorced. I guess the difference between him telling me and me telling him is that I really meant it and I had a plan.

I am looking forward to counseling, especially since he's always said in the past that he didn't want to go, not because he didn't want to work on the marriage but because he doesn't like doctors/therapists/counselors. But he got a name from a good friend of his. I figured that my best bet was to let him pick the counselor as that may make him much more likely to open up. The other positive decision we made is that even though right now we feel like we've resolved this particular issue this time, we are still going to go to counseling. Maybe we will get more out of it since we aren't starting from a place of hurt and anger.

Reading through this thread and thinking about how I felt yesterday (wanting a divorce) and how I feel today (not so much), I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm too old for these major emotional swings from high to low.
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post #13 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 10:21 AM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

I kept going to marriage counseling because I didn't want to lose my house, cars, camper, and not tuck my kids into bed each night. I'd beg her I'd change and things would get better. Dragged it on for 4+ years, 3 counselors, and then finally ran out of money to make me happy. So I finally admitted I wasn't in love with her and left her. Amazing how hard it can be to let go of a bad relationship and start over.

Good luck.
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post #14 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

well I am going to offer some different advice.

the worn out, much over used, "i'm not happy" excuse.....well frankly I think you are kidding yourself. when you divorce, you are going to find out the grass isn't greener (another over used clich, but still applicable) will be a hard and bitter lesson.

What are you expecting......to find a decent man later on....to only then figure out he wants sex a couple of times a week too? I find it interesting that you seem prepared to walk from the marriage since your needs aren't being met.....but see no valid reason HIS needs should be met, and even admit to not meeting them.

while it is good to be optimistic....you run the very real chance of destroying something that once upon a time you felt strong enough about to take vows on. The very real possibility that some of your desires in the relationship that aren't being met are all going to be fixed by finding someone new is very slim.

I agree there are times to give up, but I don't believe for a second you have done anything and everything in your power to address the issues you have with him, real or imagined. This would include IC for you alone.

good luck to you...my advice was not meant to be harsh or a criticism, just to make you pause and think about what you are really getting yourself into.
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post #15 of 74 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 11:01 AM
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Re: I just told my husband that I want a divorce

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He wants sex every day and I am not exaggerating. It's exhausting to me to even think about sex every day.
Do you get nothing out of the sex you have with him? Like maybe if you got something out of it, like pleasure it wouldn't be exhausting. How about by yourself do you do that, do you get anything out of that?

Here is the deal generally.

Women = Emotion leads to Physical
Men = Physical leads to Emotional.

You have to find that happy medium.

Good Marriage = Emotional leads to Physical leads to Emotional leads to ...

Or

Good Marriage = Physical leads to Emotional leads to Physical leads to ...

It's like spinning a basketball on your finger, first one of you hast to start the spinning then you both have to take turns spinning if one of you stops the basketball falls over.

Easier said then done for a lot of people though.
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