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I just told my husband that I want a divorce

19K views 73 replies 35 participants last post by  ABHale 
#1 ·
I'm not sure how I feel. Guilty, I guess. I know I really hurt his feelings but I have been unhappy for a long time. I know he is, too, I just don't think he wants to admit it (at least, that is what I'm telling myself right now to make myself feel less guilty). We just aren't meeting each others needs anymore. We don't have much in common anymore. We don't have much between us anymore except our kids. (There hasn't been any cheating and not to trivialize anything any of you betrayed spouses have been through, but I almost think it would have been easier if he had cheated. It would have been a clear-cut reason to split up.) I know he is hurt and angry and I'm trying not to let what he's saying right now really get to me. He thinks I've been lying to him over the past couple of years as we've worked through our issues. I don't think I was lying - I felt like I was trying and I really wanted to believe that we could work things out. Now I've just gotten to the point where I don't want to try anymore because I just don't see us having a happy future. I don't regret anything that happened in our marriage. I am very scared about the future, about how the kids will react (although, honestly, I don't think they will be all that surprised), how I am going to cope, how I will be happy. I really feel like this is the best decision for me, though.

It gets better, right?
 
#7 ·
I was afraid for a very long time before telling him. I would try to forget about divorce and keep trying to make him happy. I would push my own feelings aside. But I found that I spent so much time in my own head trying to solve our marital issues that I was actually making it worse. I need to remember why I love my husband and why we have been married so long and I need to trust that I can talk to him. He was very angry at first and I just had to deal with that. But then we had a reasonable (albeit tear-filled) talk and I am feeling much better today. I just hope this lasts for us.

I think one thing that actually made it easier is knowing that I could survive on my own if we actually did get divorced. Ironically, I think that might make me a better wife. Perhaps I won't be so willing to ignore my own needs in some misguided effort to only keep him happy and not myself, too (which will just lead to resentment).

Good luck to you!
 
#5 ·
....we just aren't meeting each others needs anymore. We don't have much in common anymore. We don't have much between us anymore except our kids.

....He thinks I've been lying to him over the past couple of years as we've worked through our issues. I don't think I was lying - I felt like I was trying and I really wanted to believe that we could work things out. Now I've just gotten to the point where I don't want to try anymore because I just don't see us having a happy future. I don't regret anything that happened in our marriage. I am very scared about the future, about how the kids will react (although, honestly, I don't think they will be all that surprised), how I am going to cope, how I will be happy. I really feel like this is the best decision for me, though.

It gets better, right?
It sounds like you and your H have been trying for quite a while to work through some issues and you don't see much hope for progress.

If you are asking for permission to divorce that is something I can't give. If you have been trying to work things out, what were the issues, did you have a therapist or councilor, and did you make any progress?

Marriage is hard work and both have to put in the time and effort. I was close to divorce once, but a sex therapist helped us rebuild our marriage. What I decided to do and why I agreed to therapy with my wife, was because I wanted to learn from my mistakes so that if I divorced my wife, I would not make similar relationship mistakes in the future. Let me put that a different way, if you don't figure out what the problems were that led to divorce, you are going to be damaged goods in your next relationship.

So you can either work on fixing yourself and your current husband, or you can work on fixing youself.

Good luck.
 
#6 ·
Thanks for the replies and support. This is why I really love this forum! I first wrote this post right after I told him we should split up. A few hours later we talked for hours and hours and have agreed to go to a marriage counselor. Even though we aren't getting divorced right now, I do feel like a huge weight has been lifted just by telling him that it's been on my mind. We've talked about divorce in the past and he's always been the one to bring it up. I thought I was just finally telling him that I agreed. But then he told me that he didn't really want to get divorced - he just sometimes says that because he's hurt and feels like he needs to say something shocking to get me to understand how serious he is.

He says his only problem with me is that we don't have enough sex. We've been fighting about sex for years now and I'm just so tired of it. If we don't have sex as often as he wants (which he says is way less than he REALLY wants but he's compromising with me), then he gets cranky and withdraws from me and I get very lonely and feel like there is nothing between us and that ALL he wants from me is sex and if he doesn't get that then nothing else I do has any meaning. When he's withdrawn, I don't feel like having sex and we get in this same loop of bad moods and no affection and no sex because there are bad moods and no affection.

Hopefully a marriage counselor can help us communicate a little better.
 
#10 ·
He says his only problem with me is that we don't have enough sex. We've been fighting about sex for years now and I'm just so tired of it. If we don't have sex as often as he wants (which he says is way less than he REALLY wants but he's compromising with me), then he gets cranky and withdraws from me and I get very lonely and feel like there is nothing between us and that ALL he wants from me is sex and if he doesn't get that then nothing else I do has any meaning. When he's withdrawn, I don't feel like having sex and we get in this same loop of bad moods and no affection and no sex because there are bad moods and no affection.

Hopefully a marriage counselor can help us communicate a little better.

It's a vicious cycle, isn't it? He wants more sex, but it's hard to want to have sex with someone that's so cranky. Yet, he's cranky because he's not getting it enough. . . . .

Round and round!

BTW, him threatening divorce like that is manipulative. And it really makes the communication level decrease dramatically because you become afraid to talk to him. And why? Because he's throws out the divorce word so easily!

Good for you two on deciding to go with marriage counseling. I hope it helps.
 
#8 ·
Glad you have decided to give it one more try.

I hope your counselor is a good one. there are many things you can do to try and reconnect.
hopefully your counselor gets you both going in that direction.

as far as hubby goes; how often does he want sex? how much is he willing to compromise. how much is ok with you?
hopefully you can work this out and meet in the middle. is he a good man otherwise?

keep us posted.
 
#11 ·
He wants sex every day and I am not exaggerating. It's exhausting to me to even think about sex every day. We've compromised on once a week (on average). But if we go an extra 2-3 days beyond that, he is not a happy camper. He doesn't get angry but he's obviously annoyed with me and that makes me feel pressure to have sex more often and then I get stressed and don't want to have sex. He says he's totally normal for wanting so much sex. I feel like things should be winding down at this point (he's 47) but what do I know - I've only ever talked about sex with him. :smile2:

As for what's OK for me, I really could go much longer - probably a month but I know that wouldn't work for him. I have a very low sex drive but I do have a need to feel close to him which comes from more sex so I try my best for once a week.

He's pretty awesome. He's not perfect and there are things about him I would like to change (I wish he were more sociable so we could do things outside of the house more often). But he's very smart and strong and self-aware and trying very hard to be a better person. He's also a great father and he loves me more than anyone else in the world. But all his passion and high level of emotion (which manifest as sexual desire, annoyance-bordering-on-anger when he's out in public, super protective of me and the kids, and just generally confrontational) can be overwhelming sometimes and that is what really stresses me out.
 
#9 ·
Wow, this could have been me and my stbxw writing this (before she cheated...).

It's a really brave step you've taken but a positive one, no matter what the outcome is here. As others have said, you will both learn and grow from MC, even if it results in a separation, it can be positive for your future.

Just be thankful that neither of you have taken the unhappiness and parked it in a new relationship.

Good luck to you both. I hope to see happy updates from you in the future!
 
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#13 ·
I kept going to marriage counseling because I didn't want to lose my house, cars, camper, and not tuck my kids into bed each night. I'd beg her I'd change and things would get better. Dragged it on for 4+ years, 3 counselors, and then finally ran out of money to make me happy. So I finally admitted I wasn't in love with her and left her. Amazing how hard it can be to let go of a bad relationship and start over.

Good luck.
 
#14 ·
well I am going to offer some different advice.

the worn out, much over used, "i'm not happy" excuse.....well frankly I think you are kidding yourself. when you divorce, you are going to find out the grass isn't greener (another over used cliché, but still applicable) will be a hard and bitter lesson.

What are you expecting......to find a decent man later on....to only then figure out he wants sex a couple of times a week too? I find it interesting that you seem prepared to walk from the marriage since your needs aren't being met.....but see no valid reason HIS needs should be met, and even admit to not meeting them.

while it is good to be optimistic....you run the very real chance of destroying something that once upon a time you felt strong enough about to take vows on. The very real possibility that some of your desires in the relationship that aren't being met are all going to be fixed by finding someone new is very slim.

I agree there are times to give up, but I don't believe for a second you have done anything and everything in your power to address the issues you have with him, real or imagined. This would include IC for you alone.

good luck to you...my advice was not meant to be harsh or a criticism, just to make you pause and think about what you are really getting yourself into.
 
#17 ·
My thinking is not "I'm going to divorce him and find someone better". It's "I'm going to divorce him so that I can have some chance at happiness". And I keep hearing this about his need for sex. What about my desire to not have sex constantly? Is that not valid? Why do I have to have sex with him all the time to get some affection and attention? If this is just a "men versus women" thing about how we view sex and affection, then I'm over it. It's exhausting. And I'd probably just be better off being alone.

I'm getting really tired of feeling like I'm the only one in this marriage that has a problem. And I have been to IC.
 
#16 ·
Yes, it gets better. The process of divorce isn't fun even when it is amicable. My divorce was about as easy as one might imagine, though I would not consider us friends. She did engage in many forms of infidelity or disloyalty during the marriage. But I had given it many years of really trying hard to fix the marriage.

Anyhow, if you do get to the point of divorcing, try to keep things in perspective. It isn't worth fighting over who keeps the toaster. But do assert yourself for the things that are important to you. Don't give away the farm out of some sense of fairness or keeping the peace. Do expect to be surprised a few times by how strongly you react emotionally to something. Those are the times you have to decide if it is worth letting it go or standing your ground, and it may make sense to call for a pause for an hour or a day so you can think on it.

Give MC an honest try, but hold his feet to the fire. If things aren't better in just a few months, they aren't going to get better. Be realistic not blindly hopeful.

I suggest the book "5 Love Languages" for both of you. Also, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" for him, but he will likely react poorly to you giving it to him. Perhaps you could suggest in a private session with the MC that he/she suggest it to your H. Or maybe you could enlist a friend of his or a male relative to give it to him, but be sure he doesn't know it came from you!

You both might benefit from some IC, too. Your MC is treating the marriage, not either of you. After a few sessions you might ask the MC's opinion if IC would be helpful (with a different person than the MC).
 
#18 ·
I think pushing got daily sex when you know your spouse doesn't want it is incredibly selfish. If my hb did that I'd never enjoy any of it since I'd never get to recharge.

The constant push for his needs with no thought for your needs is very selfish. Both of your needs have to be considered. How is it fair that he should get all if his but you get none?

Does he also get irritated if you don't fake enjoyment or is he happy just to get his?

That comment about greener grass is ridiculous; sometimes the match is just a poor one. I divorced my ex and the grass was indeed much greener without him.

Good luck with counseling, I hope whatever happens you both find happiness.
 
#21 ·
Hi RM,

Other posters may not know or realize that you've been on TAM, asking for ways to improve your marriage, for several years now. I think maybe 4 or more? So your request or agreement to divorce was by no means an impulsive move.

It's not in your OP here so the others also don't know that you've been the only one working since 2003 (although maybe that has changed since you were last here) and other items that make your case particularly challenging.

I hope that your husband now understands that you, too, are near of what you can handle in the marriage. I am glad to hear that you have a plan in place and know that you will be OK if your marriage is not able to survive. Sometimes having one spouse actually truly be ready to divorce is a wake up call and things finally improve; I hope that this is the case for you.

I hope that marriage counseling is helpful. I know that you have wanted to improve things between you and your husband for a very long time. Best of luck!
 
#23 ·
It's not only the sex he wants, Runningmom.

It's the feeling of intimacy and closeness to his wife that he's craving. And the farther you pull away, the more he yearns for that feeling of closeness. I guarantee you it's not ALL about the physical act of sex with him. We men need to feel loved. Sex is how we feel loved the best. You are right that every night is making you feel pressured and turns you off. But if your sex drive is that far off of his, marriage will be hard.
Mine started slowing a little when I hit 35. It's still high, but 3-5 times a week is plenty for me and I'm in my early 40's. I kinda feel like women in their late 30's and 40's are like 18 year old boys on the sex drive thing. I don't know how old you are, but maybe age will solve some of the problem?

Go get some help on fixing the intimacy thing between you two. He is not right for wanting you every night of the week and demanding. You're not right for not understanding his needs. Give him a freaking hand job and snuggle with him on nights you're not really into it. Let him know you care about him that much. If you give that man what he needs, he may freaking worship you and give you the emotional type stuff that you need. First thing you know, you may be wanting him as often as he's wanting you.

Just some thoughts. Wishing you luck. I get tired of hearing of good people divorcing over things that might have a chance of being solved.
Have my fingers crossed for you.
 
#26 ·
You're not right for not understanding his needs. Give him a freaking hand job and snuggle with him on nights you're not really into it. Let him know you care about him that much. .
I do understand his need for love but does it always have to come from sex? And give him a hand job and snuggle? Really? After I worked all day, paid all the bills, made dinner, helped with homework? Maybe I could just have some time to myself to read a book or watch TV without someone wanting something from me. Edited to add: I would be happy sitting and watching TV with him but if he's pissed off because we haven't had sex, I end up just sitting by myself which makes me feel lonely.

Sorry - I just needed to vent a little. I get what you are saying, but thinking that more sex is no big deal really pisses me off. I have more than one need and so if I don't get one thing from him, then I can get something else, you know what I mean? All he ever wants is sex and if I'm not in the mood, there is nothing else I can do to make him happy. Everything I do is viewed through the lens of sex. If I made dinner, then it's all well and good if we've had sex recently. If we haven't, then he couldn't care less if we eat. That is pressure and I'm tired of it.
 
#33 ·
Whatever you do, know that divorce sucks. It just sucks.

I disagree with all these stories about good divorces. There is no such thing as a good divorce. Some are more amicable than others, but divorce is still a tragedy however you slice it. It is the dissolution of a family. There is nothing good or positive about it, unless for those extreme cases where a spouse has been cheated on repeatedly or has been suffering extreme physical or emotional abuse.

Use every resource at your disposal to save your marriage. Work hard at your MC, and if things still do not improve, then you and your husband can walk away with the knowledge that you did all that you could to save it.
 
#34 ·
I like this. I still haven't had the chance to work on my marriage with MC and feel like we should have made more of an effort and not really tried after 12 years before spitting our family and looking like we are moving forward with a divorce.

Once I heard the 'I want a divorce everything became so much clearer, realized a lot of my weaknesses and errors and how much my wife and family meant to me, I finally saw the times I had hurt her and made her feel bad and honestly believe if i had ever been given the chance our relationship could have become better than ever.
 
#35 ·
And just my opinion...considering throwing away your marriage and life stability just because your husband whines about not getting enough sex seems hasty to me. Yeah I get you have been having problems for four years now. But are these problems really that insurmountable? It just seems foolish to throw away all that you and he have built together because you have grown apart in your interests and have become sexually incompatible.

As far as him not being social? Most men, as they age, stop socializing. They just do. I can tell you it is generally a fact. At 49 I am nowhere near as affable or sociable as I was when I was 29. Far from it. I get just as much pleasure hanging out at home and puttering with my hobbies or reading a good book as I do going to social gatherings. It is a natural progression for men as they reach 50s and beyond.

Maybe I'm generalizing, but from my perspective women never seem to lose their sociability, and continue to go out and socialize and do activities. Nothing wrong at all with that. I guess I don't understand why you have this need for your husband to accompany you to all your social gatherings. Why do you need him there? This speaks to an insecurity of yours, not his. Why can you not pursue your interests, allow him to pursue his, and then have common interests that you do together once a week?

If your husband was physically abusing you, cheating on you, was an alcoholic or drug addict, or had a gambling addiction...then I could see you wanting out immediately. But have you ever considered that your husband just finds you incredibly beautiful and sexy? Does he tell you how much he desires you?

You know, there are women on this forum and out in the world who would give ten years off their life to have a husband who desires them sexually. Think about this before you go off half cocked.
 
#38 ·
Maybe I'm generalizing, but from my perspective women never seem to lose their sociability, and continue to go out and socialize and do activities. Nothing wrong at all with that. I guess I don't understand why you have this need for your husband to accompany you to all your social gatherings. Why do you need him there? This speaks to an insecurity of yours, not his. Why can you not pursue your interests, allow him to pursue his, and then have common interests that you do together once a week?
Why would you consider it insecurity that she would like to have her husband along for socializing? Shouldn't our spouse be our best friend, the one we like spending time with the most? I thinks when people marry, its important for each to have their own interests, but across the board, your spouse should be the one you want to be with. Why be with someone otherwise, isnt that a big part of being a couple? I went through two husbands who were completely anti-social, including with family, and its depressing and embarrassing to have a spouse who doesnt want to spend time with you, your family, or your friends. :frown2:
 
#41 ·
I've told this story before, but I knew a couple who lived in my hometown when I was growing up. They were close friends of our family, and in some ways I considered them a sort of aunt and uncle. They were ranchers. For twenty five years they lived way out of town on their ranch, about three miles off the highway, and which was accessible only by a very bumpy, sometimes washed-out, dirt road. They raised five kids together and ran a successful cattle operation.

Then once all the kids were gone, the wife decided that she no longer wanted to live at the ranch. Her mother had died and left her a house in town, so her husband fixed the place up and she moved in while he stayed out at the ranch. They only got together on weekends. He ran the ranch while she worked in town as a bookkeeper for several local businesses. But every weekend you would see them at the grocery store together, buying food and laughing and smiling and holding hands as they wandered up and down the isles. You would see them at church together every Sunday and they just looked in love. But they only got together on the weekends. She was very active in White Cross and other women's organizations, and was active in the Rotary Club. She did these things all by herself. Her husband was one of those respected men who everyone knew and liked, but you hardly ever saw him, because, well...he was on the back of a horse somewhere out in the sticks five days a week. I can imagine they only had sexual relations on those weekends when he came into town to stay with her.

They stayed married for fifty some ought years, and only moved back in together when he got old and frail and had to pass the ranch off to his sons.

What I am getting at is that these two people saw the value in their marriage beyond sex and differences in interests. They did not end it simply because she no longer wanted to live out in the boondocks. She lived her life and he lived his and they made it work. They had enough trust in each other to allow each other the freedom to do what made them happy.

I don't know why I'm telling this story, except to say that these two people managed to make it work for more than half a century. How tragic it would have been for them to have ended it once their kids were grown.
 
#43 ·
And I will say one more thing while I'm on a rant. Having common interests, being equally sociable, and having a great sex life doesn't a happy marriage make. A couple can be compatible in every way, on paper, and sometimes it still doesn't work. Usually it comes down to mutually orneriness or stubbornness, or one partner being selfish and not wanting to compromise, or sometimes the cares and worries of every day life (external forces) just weigh down on the marriage.

You could have a social butterfly husband who throws barbecues every weekend, loves to go to parties and events, and who has no penis and never wants to have sex, and I guarantee you you will still find other things to complain about. Sometimes you have to just look inside yourself and find ways to make yourself happy irregardless of what your spouse does.
 
#45 ·
I'll counterpoint Bandit here, not that he doesn't make some good points.

How many times has the masses here told someone to leave the marriage if they're not happy before they do something stupid and betray their spouse?

He wants sex desperately.
She has no desire to change the frequency of sex.

Neither of them will be happy in the current situation. Split up, and become the best co-parents you can be - the status quo won't be maintained. There's a better than 50/50 chance you'll both be happier apart with new partners who better meet your needs.
 
#48 ·
I'll counterpoint Bandit here, not that he doesn't make some good points.

How many times has the masses here told someone to leave the marriage if they're not happy before they do something stupid and betray their spouse?

He wants sex desperately.
She has no desire to change the frequency of sex.

Neither of them will be happy in the current situation. Split up, and become the best co-parents you can be - the status quo won't be maintained. There's a better than 50/50 chance you'll both be happier apart with new partners who better meet your needs.
Maybe.... Maybe. It is not a guarantee. But you are right...if she does not find a way to compromise with him, he will find another outlet for his needs. That is where a really good MC can come in and mediate and help them come to a compromise they can both live with.

And I say this I guess because I am one of those who really likes sex, and I have a hard time identifying with "low drive" people. I just don't understand how a healthy person, with a healthy spouse, would not want to have as much sex as both of them can handle. Sex is a blast.

Look, all I'm saying is that if she is going to divorce him, then be honest about why she is divorcing him. It sounds to me like she just doesn't love him, and I say that because I have not heard her mention the "L" word much at all. It just doesn't seem to exist. What I'm suspecting is that she simply doesn't love him anymore, and that has translated into her no longer wanting to have sex with him.
 
#51 ·
RM I can not believe the disdain you show for sex with your husband. its dripping from your posts.

help me understand something. Is sex not pleasurable to you? your words make it sound like a dreaded chore, akin to fixing a clogged toilet. I mean does he want to tie you up in bed for hours like something out of the movies? Does he have oversized toys he wants to use on you?

Because I don't understand. a freely given act that most find immensely enjoyable and an emotional bonding experience to you is almost portrayed like a horror movie. Were you brought up by nuns who scorned you and gave you the belief sex is dirty and only for getting pregnant?

many here have commented about him not working, yet you didn't start this conversation with that, rather you are tired of him pestering you for sex. and while I can see that would be unattractive... you complained about the sex and not his working. I would like to know more details about it. Did he agree to stay home and raise kids as you had a more lucrative career? are there other factors?

not trying to be combative. I am offering different views or opinions to help you with your tough life altering decision.
 
#52 ·
#56 ·
Your husband should be working & contributing to the marriage.

I have posted 2 links below for you to review.

http://forgivenwife.com/new-to-this-blog-start-here/
http://forgivenwife.com/inundated-by-his-hurt/#more-8062

It's not JUST sex. NOTHING else in this world makes me feel more loving, protective & willing to move heaven & earth to make my wife happy, than when we have sex together. NOTHING.

Not saying your husband should not own his own crap & deal with it. He would be more attractive to you if he did.

Both of you have areas to work on.
 
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