Those are good words to heed. I was just out driving for a bit, running errands and was trying to figure out why your first response sort of stuck in my craw. Throughout all of the adventures, I don't think "respect" ever became part of the discussion or part of my conscious thinking. So, that's something I need to think a lot more about. I'd venture to say I have NOT respected her that much, despite that she's a great person and has been very supportive. Part of me wonders if I'm simply just an a-hole.
I can't say if I am strong enough to be that open and honest with her about everything (yet). I mentioned earlier about the initial bonding. I've ALWAYS felt there was a wall or a disconnect between us. It's hard to put my finger on it or describe it well, but I've never felt as "one" with her. I've been in previous relationships where there was, at least, a period of time where that woman was my everything and other women didn't even really exist to me. I've never felt for her at that level. I've always had reservations. And I feel guilt over that, as again, she's not a bad person. She's not someone who'd be unfaithful, steal my money or whatever. I truly believe she deserves a lot. I just don't feel like I can ever give her that.
You're right about the naïveté aspect. And instead of trying to help (and I have, to a degree, I've become very resentful of it, for right or wrong).
It is a sad situation. It's how I pretty much always feel. Just...sad.
And I agree with the others. Time for another round of therapy for myself.
My intent was not to offend... sometimes we find those who simply spin things to produce reactions and if you came back I could find some clarity where you struggle in your relationship.
I bolded the above because these things we align ourselves with are choice.
This begins with self-respect, self-worth, and self-love... if you cannot have them for yourself there is no way you can show them for others because connections start with such understanding.
You describe yourself as "not a very nice person" at times in your actions and reactions... what we are is not what we have to remain. Previous relationships are just that, previous, and they didn't work out making them the past lessons that identify which baggage is worthy of carrying forward (the good stuff) and which baggage is not (obviously the "not good").
Sometimes we need to understand there is a weight limit for what we can carry... for ourselves.
People share about the many things that draw one together. Some have that incredible connection that attaches itself up front and drives giddy love for the first few years and then... *poof*, the honeymoon is over and you begin to see another as you truly are, flawed, imperfect, annoying... human.
Your expectations have not rewarded you and never will over loving acceptance that your kind wife deserves.
Forgiveness, compassion, empathy, kindness, giving, caring are also human, and a wonderful balance.
Without the balance, we are the bolded.
Resentment is a silent thief whose left hand is taking the obvious lit penny while the right is robbing you of thousands in the dark.
She has done you no wrong and your wife deserves your loving thoughts... these chisel away negativity you feel at the moment. You may think this is awkward and meaningless if you do not feel it, but you have so much to be thankful for in her and you will begin seeing the difference between what you thought you saw, and clearly what you really see. There is a difference, make the effort to see it.
Stop setting yourself up for resentment... your motives defeat you every time and again, be thankful for the life you have, so many have less and never carry the resentment you hold.
Find your happiness within you... your family will LOVE you for that and years from now is what you will see has carried you the farthest.
Just a thought... when the warm feelings come, invite her to take a shower or bath with you and just have fun... soap another up, laugh, relax, cuddle, just hold another and think of this warm and caring person in your arms... that is one of the seeds you seek, see how it grows.
Peace be with you...